My Early AA Thoughts

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Oky: What a lovely post & congratulations on receiving your 2 month chip. I couldn't make a meeting today & actually missed it. I will be going to one tomorrow. I'm finding that the daily contact w/my sponsor, the working of the steps, & the reading of the literature is important as well. Again, thank you so much for sharing. Anyone else who has experiences w/meetings, feel free to share. You'll help all of us. Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Congratulations Okydokey on your two month coin!! I find the coin ceremonies to be very moving even though they are short, and regardless of the amount of sobriety being celebrated. There is a lot of work that goes behind those coins that transcends *just not drinking.* I hope you will tell us all the details about your special moment. What a great story too about your friend who you called and who took you to a meeting. It is amazing what lengths we will go to in 1) trying to keep the fantasy alive that we can somehow control our drinking, even long after we know we can't and 2) to try to get a fast solution. (although I understand Lenair has worked for some and that is a wonderful thing - WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU!!) But I am very sure it must be devastating when it "doesn't work" for you.

Hello to all who are posting or lurking here on the AA thread!

I still can't believe I'm going to AA every day. Me...the "AA is not for me" girl. Sort of reminds me of being a kid and swearing I "won't eat brussel sprouts because I hate them" when I had never tried them. Equal levels of maturity LOL! :H

Anyway...I was not able to go to one of the two morning meetings yesterday, so I ended up going to a 4PM meeting which I had not been to before. Another terrific group and a VERY powerful meeting for me, based on the topic. The main theme was resentments, and the importance of forgiveness and truly letting resentments go deep in our hearts - not just superficially. While I haven't gotten this far yet, someone at the meeting said that Bill W said (either in BB or somewhere else) that resentment is the #1 cause of relapse.

That made me think of something I've mentioned here at MWO before and others mentioned they have experienced it too. And this is just a teeny weeny resentment issue in the grand scheme of resentment! One day after dog training (after it was no longer being held here at my house) Mr. D wasn't home yet, and it was WAY after dark. He hadn't called to let me know he was stopping off for food/a beer or whatever but of course I knew that's what he was doing. He also didn't take his cell phone into the bar / restaurant with him so I couldn't even get ahold of him. Instead of just going on my merry way since I knew exactly where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing and it was all truly no biggy, I GOT FURIOUS!! With every passing minute I just got madder and madder. (control issues anyone??? I couldn't control him in that situation!) I eventually started the "I'll show him - I'll go to a bar too and get DRUNK!" thinking. YIKES. I'm glad I scared myself enough not to do it. But....I can see how allowing that resentment to build led my alcoholic mind to a very bad place. And you can see what a silly and small resentment that was. Imagine what my mind is capable of thinking over something that is actually big.

So...a very important message from a learning standpoint. Then to make the meeting really powerful, the man leading the meeting told his story. (I'm glad he had told me about before or I would have been a bucket of tears). He was abused by his parish priest starting at the age of 7. His father had died when he was 5, and the church community was everything to his mother. He told his mother the things the priest was doing, and she called him a liar and beat him for it. The abuse went on for years with his mother's full knowledge. I can't even imagine the level of hatred and rage (resentment doesn't seem a strong enough word) this man carried with him for years and years. He ended up not only becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs, but became a gang leader and took out all that rage on other human beings. He has been in the AA program for several years now, and has come a very long way (that is obvious from the way he speaks of the priest) in letting it go, although he admits that he still struggles with some of the resentment. But allowing that resentment to grow just takes him closer to drinking/using. The only way he says he can have any peace and serenity in his life is to carry forgiveness and compassion - not hate and rage towards the people who wronged him so terribly.

Of course there were many other stories but that one really touched my heart. If he can overcome such a horrific experience, and somehow find peace (and sobriety) in his life, then there is certainly hope for me!

I also went to the 7AM meeting today and I'm glad I did as we started a Big Book study from page 1 today. Bill W's story is quite interesting.

Another person I spoke with after yesterday's meeting shared something interesting on the spiritual front, which is an area of struggle for me. He was raised Catholic but had his own issues with the Catholic Church so many years ago, he went back to his Native American spiritual roots. He is living in IL now taking care of a relative, but he is from S. California where he worked to help Native American people and he also became active in regular Native American spiritual practices. I guess there is not a whole lot of action on that front here in the Chicago Area. But he told me there is going to be a pow wow at a big National Park not to far from here in May. It just sounded like something that would be very interesting and I talked to Mr. Doggy and we might take the camper and go. For me it was just interesting to meet another person who is many years sober and AA, but does not follow the more popular / common form of spiritual practice.

Anyway, I feel so good about what I'm doing. I'm so glad I went. I'm quite sure it's not for everyone, just like MWO isn't and SMART isn't and Lenair isn't and Antabuse isn't etc. etc. etc. And I can especially see where the majority of folks who end up in court mandated AA may not care for it. (but as someone said this morning, it beats the shit out of the alternative which is usually jail) But anyone who is lurking and curious, I encourage you to check it out rather than do what I did, and form a staunch opinion without ever tasting the brussel sprouts. (I did figure out later in life that I like those too)

I am looking forward to celebrating 10 months sober tomorrow.

DG

[cpn1004]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG, thanks for the report.
Good on you for 10 months.
You are an inspiration to us all.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[okydoky]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi, I'm an alcoholic and not ashamed to say it. At least not to you guys and a few close friends...BUT...isn't it freeing to be able to say it to a group of people face to face who totally understand you. I went to a speaker meeting last night and loved hearing life stories of people I've seen in meetings and now I feel like I know them more than people I see on a daily basis. The thing about AA is you get to be real and honest and not feel like you have to wear a mask and it's the most wonderful feeling.
Thanks DG and Mary for the congrats. I took my coin and passed it around at my home group yeasterday (yes, 2 meetings in one day....who would have thought?) and I felt like I was celebrating with family and I've only know them for 2months.
There was a new guy at our meeting who has been sober for 7 years and felt he needed a boost so his goal is to go to every meeting in the area crosssing it off as he goes. So instead of bar hopping, he's meeting hopping

[davenc]

My Early AA Thoughts

I have tried AA a few times over the years but have never really felt comfortable there. I absolutely hate how the groups feel that it is the only way. Its kinda like one religion thinking their way is the only way. I dont buy it. And I feel that it has actually hurt me more then helped me. Im not trying to aa bash.
This time I am trying Campral and therapy. I want to not drink for now and find out whats really going on in my head.
Thanks all for sharing...I like this thread

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Oky congratulations again on your two sober months and finding a way that is working for you. That is interesting about the guy who is meeting hopping instead of bar hopping. What an interesting idea. I can see how that could be fun - each different groups has it's own "personality" from what I've seen and that sounds interesting.

Davenc, I think figuring out what's in our heads is a very important part of getting sober. I hope the Campral and therapy work for you, and I also hope you find value in the MWO forum. There are lots of different sobriety things going on and I hope you find threads that fit for you in terms of helping along the way.

It's very timely for me that you raise the concern you did about AA folks taking that "AA is the only way" or "AA is the best way" type approach. That was discussed at the meeting I attended this morning.

The Sunday morning group I go to is currently discussion the 12 Traditions of AA, which basically govern the operation of AA. Today's discussion was about Tradition #10 which states "AA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy." The "old timers" in the group described this as meaning that AA wants to remain 100% focused on helping alcoholics get/stay sober. AA does NOT want to get involved in taking positions on controversial issues such as those of a political, religious, or even "alcohol reform" nature. AA as an organization has "no opinion" on matters other than AA. The purpose for this tradition is to avoid internal conflict which can destroy an organization in an extreme situation, and certainly distract an organization from it's main purpose.

Why, I don't know, but this led to some "speak as the spirit moves you" remarks that basically said "AA is the only way to get sober" or "AA is the best way to get sober." The discussion was lively. About 2/3 of the way through the meeting I asked to speak and offered my take on it as a person who only recently started attending AA meetings after almost 9 months of abstinence. What I basically said was that I find ANY bashing of ANY sobriety program no matter how subtle to be disturbing, and distracting from MY goal of getting sober. AA is NOT the only way and I don't think the AA mission of helping people get sober is helped by saying that. By the same token I don't think the MWO program is helped by members bashing AA or other programs, and I don't think the SMART program is helped by bashing AA OR MWO or other programs, etc. IMO, to the struggling alcoholic none of that negative talk about ANY program is helpful - AT ALL. I mentioned that I have found valuable elements in each sobriety program that I have taken the time to study. I also mentioned that it did not serve me well at all to listen to negative talk about AA, and hence "write it off" without investigating AA for myself.

At any rate, I suspect a couple folks might have been offended by what I said but I am sure my point was well taken by at least a few people who subsequently appreciated what they heard about being respectful of other programs. LOL, I'm sure I will know more about how my remarks were recieved in the course of the next few days.

So I think it's a good subject and I closed my own remarks by acknowledging that I believe it's human nature to want to glorify our own choices, often by putting down the alternatives. I've done it too. A reflection on how I have felt when "program bashing" has occurred - the end result being negative - prompted me to commit greater effort to NOT being negative about recovery programs. I just don't think it's helpful.

Okey, I too enjoyed celebrating my anni in the "3D" company of people who understand where I've been, and probably know more at this point about my future possibilities than I do. I am 10 months sober today and very grateful for that. I am grateful for all the tools I have at my disposal now that I have learned from MWO, from SMART, from AA, and from other reading and internet sources.

DG

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Congratulations DG and Oky!!! Well Done.
I went to my usual Sunday morning meeting. The speaker had an incredible story!!! He was gifted as a child and skipped many grades in school, ending up in High School at a very young age, did not fit in; turned to alcohol and drugs....to make a long story shorter, ended up being the younges inmate in our State prison system. He now has long term sobriety and is a sucessful businessman. Amazing story!! It was funny, a man at the meeting approached me. He knew that I was new there and wanted to give me his tickets for the raffle. He said that he had won the last two weeks in a row. Guess what? I won! I got to choose a book, so I chose the only one that I haven't read. It is a biography of Dr. Bob and early AA in the Midwest. I am glad that you are all enjoying your meetings.

[gelgit]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG, I am so pride of you ... almost a year. I will try not to be negative about all of that time that I have wasted but move on and follow your example. With gratitude, g.

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG: Congrats on your milestone. No one deserves it more than you. I don't believe in any kind of bashing either. If it works, do it. BTW, last night I thought I was going to an AA meeting in a church basement. It turned out that it was NA not AA. The AA meeting was upstairs. It was fine...a tradition meeting. Mary

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

I must admit though that I prefer AA. All of the NA members were very young. I felt like their grandma. I'll check back later. Mary

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi Everyone:

I went to a Big Book meeting last night. I really like those meetings. The story applied to me (as usual). It was about a guy who was very functional but drank a lot, & the drinking greatly interfered w/his life. The sharings were great too. I'm feeling more & more comfortable about identifying to the group that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't shared yet, but I know eventually I will. I'm trying to have patience w/myself & let my inner self (my HP?) be my guide. I have been raising my hand as a newcomer. I think I'm going to get a newcomer chip at my two mid-week meetings. That would be a big step for me in making me more visible. So far I've been trying very hard to keep a low profile...slinking in & out. Tonight's meeting is a very large one, but I like it because it's a speaker meeting. I really love hearing peoples' stories.

I'll be back.

Mary

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Tonight was a speaker meeting. I'm always amazed at the number of people who didn't realize they were alcoholics even though they drank copious amounts of booze & got into some mighty big scrapes. I know how rock solid my denial has been. "Me? An alcoholic?" It took being carted off to the hospital to realize that normal people don't have that happen. Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Mary I agree it IS amazing how our minds will work over time finding ways to continue the madness - one of the last vestiges of that is the "I'm not an alcoholic" discussion internally. I know in my own head, admitting to alcoholism meant "the party is over" as a practical matter. To this alcoholic, that mental debate, and convincing myself time and time again that I was NOT an alcoholic extended that damage I did to myself and my life FAR more than any public stigma over alcoholism ever could.

It is such a relief to commune with so many different people from every walk of life there is who share our problem, who can completely relate to the way our minds work. I feel so much less like "damaged goods" or something just realizing how "not alone" I really am.

DG

[Guitarista]

My Early AA Thoughts

Greetings all!
Geez, i'm getting more and more inspired to just try a meeting, and see how i feel. I think i'd just want to be a fly on the wall, to start with. Congratulations on all achievements, which no doubt contributes to all the positivity leaping out here folk's, and congrat's on 10 months DG. Good job!....................G.

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi Guitarista. I completely understand how you feel - I held off going for a long long time. Guess I thought I would get sucked in like a vaccuum cleaner or something.

Anyway, if it makes you feel more comfortable here is how people are welcomed at the meetings I have attended.

The facilitator will ask if there is anyone who is at an AA meeting for the first time, or at that particular meeting for the first time. If you raise your hand, the facilitator will say something like - "would you like to introduce yourself." You don't have to unless you want to. I am rather outgoing so just introduced myself, but I've seen others shake their head no, and no pressure was given - they just move on with the meeting if you don't want to even introduce yourself. I know Mary is a quiet one so maybe she can describe how it works at the meetings she has been to.

Also, once the group discussion starts, either they go around the table in order giving each person a chance to speak on the days topic (or whatever they want to say) or "speak as the spirit moves you" which is people just speaking up in random order. If it's "as the spirit moves you" you can just sit and listen completely unless you want to speak up. If they go around the table in order and you don't want to say anything, you just say "pass." Once again, I have never seen anyone pressured to talk if they don't want to.

I think it's interesting just to go to different meetings with different groups and just listen. You may decide it's not for you at all, or you may find a group of people that you feel you relate to on some level, even if everything AA is not for you. (that's how I feel about it at this time - still struggling with the higher power thing but that's OK)

Best wishes to you - hope this thread is helping shed some light on what AA meeting are like - and NOT like.

DG