AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

[Tom 4.0]

Hi folks,

I wrote this last night, but bumped it to the top of today hoping for some feedback. Tom

It's four months AF today but I'm feeling kinda' grumpy. I am coming to terms with the fact that just "not drinking" is not enough. When I drank, I was the "Hollow Man" with grand plans but never living up to my own expectations. All I had to do was (A) stop drinking and then (B) everything would work out fine. Well...not yet. Even with all my positive, smiling, good will, sometimes life still kicks me in the ass! (Insert relapse here.) No, not gonna' do that! I'll keep working on the attitude.

In addition to numbing the pain, alcohol provides a good excuse for one's failures. Without alcohol, the responsibility is all mine. :upset:

[Miss Behaving]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

I wrote a response to this earlier, but it seems to have got lost somewhere in the ether! Long of the short of it was - are you being too hard on yourself Tom? There is a big bell curve when it comes to human achievement of various kinds. Are your expectations and great plans realistic? If they are, then yes, you are responsible for achieving them. But if they are affected by external circumstances over which you have no control, then, as you say, it is your attitude that is most important.

But actually I have the impression that you are usually a very positive and optimistic person - hope you have woken up feeling a bit better.

Hope all is good for everyone in ab-land and that the sun is out and shining wherever you are!

[startingover]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Hi Tom, I think most of us go through that feeling that just being AF did not make everything better. I know I did. Sometimes I think that a few months down the line is where the work begins. For me this is where I really had to start changing my attitude, my expectations and making plans for my future. I am still working on it, but I am happy with the way I am. Not everyday, but overall I know I am moving forward and in the best direction for me.

[Arial]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Hi Tom,

I can so relate to your comments - so much so that I went to my journal that I started keeping when I first stopped drinking as I was sure I'd written something similar - and true - the sense of responsibility really hit me too. So too did things like having to learn to accept my faults that were still in place after I'd stopped drinking, facing responsibility for own actions, facing myself and life each evening. it's amazing how much I blamed drink for as a convenient 'excuse' and I fully believed that if I stopped it would all get better!

Unfortunately, it didn't. And that was when the real work started. I had to get beyond the just not drinking and I had to virtually reconstruct a life without alcohol and that included being honest with myself - recognising my faults but accepting them (change the things you can and want but accept the ones you can't...); accepting that life was hard/crap at times anyway, and not just brought on by my drinking; trying not to live with regret but using it as a means to reminding me why I wanted to not drink; accepting responsibility now that if I went back to drinking it would be a choice - I had shown myself that I could stop and that it wasn't an 'addiction' that would make me drink, but personal choice.

Having said that, though - it is the elements of control, choice, responsibility that is something that being sober gives you back - easier though it seems at times to relinquish all that over to the driving force of alcohol, it is so much better to claim them back for yourself and face life as it is. Taking back control doesn't necessarily make life easier or the problems go away, but it gives us the facilities to deal with things better. I have had to deal with a lot of difficulties in my life recently over which I had no control - except the way I dealt with them. I am proud to say that most of the time I felt I dealt with them like a responsibile adult and helped make the situation better for others around me (and myself) However, I also have to admit that drink crept back in to my life insiduously and at my invitation (goes along with the 'choice' thing), and soon got its claws well and truly back into my daily life.

So, long-windedly, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that no, life's problems are not solved by stopping drinking, but being sober gives us the opportunity to deal with it how we choose - it gives us responsibility yes, but as well as being difficult to face, is also one of our keys to freedom. We can no longer blame drink for our shortcomings or life's troubles and tribulations, but in the same breath we are no longer handing our lives over to something else to control.

Hang in there Tom - you've done remarkably well to get through 4 months and the future is yours to create as you will when opportunities or options arise.

Best wishes to all here and have a wonderful Wednesday. I'm on a week's holiday so life is good, before the proverbial s**t hits the fan again next week. Pleeeaaase let spring come soon - I am so tired of the cold! I've decided I really should hypernate during the winter months - that or live 6 months here and 6 months in Australia!

[Arial]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Hi Tom, (again)

Sorry, you got me thinking now. One of the wisest pieces of advise I remember reading and which has stuck with me is that you have to look beyond the not drinking. If the focus remains on the not drinking (ie I can't drink because..., I mustn't drink, This would be my drinking hour...) then the focus is a) constantly on the drink and b) on a negative. If you look beyond the drink the focus hopefully becomes positive, becomes the future, and opens up possibilities. When the not drinking works best for me, it is when my focus is on the 'what I can do now I'm not drinking' and keeping a focus on what I want life to be like sober. Changing the routine, so I'm not just cutting out alcohol from a life that is static - it is a time of change. So on my list includes: excercise, further study, overcome computerphobia, learn how to use an IPod, talk to boss about future professional development opportunities and maybe make changes in that direction, enjoy time with the family, learn to like myself, paint, socialise (I definitely need to relearn how to do that - drink used to be a good excuse not to do things, leave early, or cope!), etc. etc.

I don't know if these ramblings help at all, but the image of 'beyond the alcohol' really helped me look forward...

[retteacher]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Tom: I've experienced just what you describe...except in my case, I did lapse...I'm sorry to say. I'm back on track now, but I realize that the "pink cloud" of sobriety ends at some point. Yes, then we're faced w/the ups & downs of life. I'm learning to live life differently through AA, but there are other means out there (& also a wealth of literature about sober living). I think you've done wonderfully well w/your recovery. Pat yourself on the back & do something nice for yourself.

I'm finding that having a friend (sponsor) in recovery is a huge help to me. We discuss these issues every day. He's actually a mentor for me & is giving me guidance (instead of the other way around, which was always the case w/me). It feels good to follow instructions & do what I'm told to do.

Take care of yourself & your sobriety...it's very precious. Mary

[aprilmoon]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Tom,

Being AF for me is enough right now. Don't let being AF and your plans for a wonderful life not working as planned ever make you drink. Yeah, we think that being AF will cure all our problems. It doesn't cure them all, but it cures one...drinking.

I wish you the very best. Things will get better and better for you!:l

[greeneyes]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

I like these kinds of threads. I think I'll just lurk today and ponder these ideas along with what I did yesterday in the divorce arena.

[wellseasoned]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Tom
You are absolutely right - drinking is the way we chose to cope with our stress and issues in the past - but the fact that we now don'drink does not make them go away. I do think, though, that the longer we find ways to deal with our daily "stuff" without alcohol the smaller some of that "stuff" becomes. Maybe dealing with our daily challenges without the guilt and physical pain that comes from drinking gets easier with practice!
Ariel
I agree with you in your "wisdom" about not focusing 100% on the fact that we are not drinking - because at some point that pink cloud does wear off and we are open to relapse. Focusing on all the positive things that are possible when we don't drink is GREAT advice! Focus on being able to pick up and drive anywhere at night - anytime - remembering all of your evening phone conversations - clear mind to read and relax at night - the simple pleasure that comes from crawling under the covers early and dozing off (not passing out) - not chewing gum all the time to cover up your booze breath - not waking up feeling bad about the night before and praying for change in your life - not being dehydrated and puffy - not spending money every day on something that does nothing positive in oyur life - feeling in control of yourself and your life - not having a sour stomach every morning and taking antacids - so MANY reasons to feel good about your choice not to drink!!!
I used to lie to myself and tell myself that I was like most other folks I knew - that I could enjoy just one or two drinks and stop. While I can do this sometimes - I cannot be sure that I can do it all the time and MOST times I can't. I have come to accept that I need to focus my energy on the things in my life I know I can pursue in a positive way that bring positive feelings. I want to feel good about myself and drinking - while it makes me feel good for the first hour or so - DOES NOT make me feel good about myself.
I feel so blessed to have found this forum - it feels like such a miracle that we can all come here - sound off and share our daily struggles and victories - anonymously. Sharing our voice and experience not only helps us but it helps everyone here.
You are not alone in your struggle, Tom!!! Keep on keepin' on - ok?

[A Work in Progress]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Tom, Wellseasoned, I responded to your yesterday posts on yesterday's thread, because they resonated so much with my own experience...

Arial, those are fantastic posts. Absolutely spot on. I am in the midst right now of staring this whole thing in the face, recognizing my life is NOT what I want it to be and figuring out where I can make positive changes, and where I just have to be patient and deal with some situations that are outside my control... I have made some good changes and really need to keep at it. This business of "not drinking" as a full-time job is NOT the way to have a meaningful, satisfying life! It's necessary, early on, for that to be a huge focus... but if we don't keep growing and expanding our horizons, we become more and more vulnerable to relapse. At least, that's how I see it...

[LVT25]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Tom, I wish I had some good words of wisdom for ya, but that doesn't seem to be my purpose in life. I will say that I have my share of grumpy days too. With me it's still learning who I am sober. And I think who I am is still grumpy some days--but not nearly as often as when I was dealing with daily hangovers.

Cindi and everyone that commented--I'm glad you liked the link. Sometimes things come my way and I think--"I've got to share this with my MWO friends!" Its always a good reminder to count our blessings.

Busy day today. Thank goodness I'm getting some energy back!

Have a good one! :h

[Mohun]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Good morning. Just a quick check in before starting work. Very busy week.

Mo.

[Determinator]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Top of the morning ABenators!!!!!

woke up to a winter wonderland here in the high desert. This is the view that I have as I sit at this computer.

[img][/IMG]


the first several times I got in some decent AF time they started with the "holiday pink cloud" feeling however the final and last time that I decided to go AF (and hopefully the last time period) I had a grimly focused goal. no fluffy clouds, no sugar coating....I knew this was survival of the fittest and I knew what I must do.

I'm off to go breath garlic breath on some unsuspecting soul....

be well friends

[retteacher]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Hi Everyone: I'm back. I just wanted to say that this has been a lot of food for thought for me. Mary

[narilly]

AF Daily - Wednesday Mar. 4

Tom, don't beat yourself up so much. This train of thought may be one of the reasons you were drinking before? I don't know, but like everyone says: focus on the future and the things you can do now because you are not drinking.
I love what you said Well Seasoned, it is great to remember what you did last night. Yesterday my son asked me if I remembered him doing something the other night and I didn't remember. It was great, I didn't remember because I had gone out NOT because I was drunk. It was a good feeling not to feel guilty about saying "no, I don't remember".

Be good to yourself Tom and everyone, One day at a time!

Narilly