Why?

[Arial]

Hi All,

I chose not to post this in the daily thread as I didn't want to spoil the wonderful Easter vibes that are there and the fabulous AF energy that abounds! However, writing it down a) makes me accountable and b) is an attempt to help clarify what went wrong, so I hope you don't mind my sharing...

I can't believe, after the way I've been feeling since stopping drinking about 6 weeks ago, that I willingly and knowingly dived headlong into a drinking session last night. Am feeling suitably disgusted with myself and really can't believe it happened. Just the day before I had been posting about how wonderful it was to be AF, the loss of time etc. when drinking, and then I ruin the end of a fabulous day hiking in the Alps! I have been trying to think it through all day because here's another day I can notch up to having lost to AL, and the only thing I can link it to is an association thing again - it was after a great hike, the sun was shining, good friends, and we were going to have fondu in the evening, which of course 'requires' wine. So I allowed myself a glass - and - the flood gates literally opened! it was as if I was trying to catch up with the 6 weeks no alcohol, and one glass inevitable turned in to many. With the added affect of altitude, I am feeling suitably awful today - both physically and emotionally - all the disappointment, embarassment, regret, 'what did I say/do' questions, - all the negatives associated with drinking that I had thought to have put beind me.

I just can't believe it - talk about a wake-up call! - but all I can do now is learn what I can from it and be even more prepared to not take that first sip - I even talked with my friends about it during the evening, and when they said just stop, I actually told them that it was too late - that it was too late after the first sip - I even recognised it but still carried on.

Anyway, so what can I learn?:
Obviously moderation is not, and never will be, an option
That I appreciate being AF all the more and will look beyond today at, what will hopefully be, a life without alcohol
That I am proud of my achievements over the last 6 weeks and have NO intention of going back, despite this disaster
That I have to get beyond the association of alcohol with certain things/events
That I need to recognise my own weakness and be better prepared to face situations where my not drinking will be a greater challenge.
That I need to go back to the tools which helped get me sober and revisit/reuse them

I am so envious of all the wonderful, sober, Easters you will have, with clear heads, clear minds, energy, etc. but will enjoy hearing about them as it will show me what I lost. I am going to use this increase in self-awareness to prevent it happening again. An AF life is the only one for me. Thank you all so much for sharing your successes as they really do inspire - and also just for being here :h

I'm looking forward to the end of today (yes, wishing time away) and waking to a fresh start tomorrow.

[Cinders]

Why?

arial,

i have done exactly what you describe so many times it isn't even remotely sane.

i have decided to quit asking why, though, and just accept that one drink will always lead to disaster.

i hope you recover quickly and recognize that beating yourself up is more destructive than anything else.

i am with you, arial. let's just keep on keepin' on. the option is unthinkable.

love,
cindi

[retteacher]

Why?

Arial: I'm the fits-&-starts queen. Why? There is no real answer. In AA, they say that alcohol is "cunning, baffling, & powerful." I've done what you've done. I'll be completely grateful for sobriety one day & the next (out of nowhere), I'm drinking.

As far as drinking to excess instead of just the one glass of wine: I've also heard in AA that when we relapse, we go right back to alcoholic drinking. It's as if there has been no sobriety time in between. Whenever I've relapsed, I've gone right back into it full force. In fact, in my case, I've gone on multi-day binges after relapse...so watch out!

Go right back into recovery. We all approach recovery differently. Yes, there have been a few folks that have joined MWO & stopped totally w/no relapses. But, that is not always the case. You can do this. I liked the lessons you learned. I'll reread them often, as they apply to me as well.

Love, Mary

[retteacher]

Why?

Hi Cindi: Happy Easter. Mary

[tlrgs]

Why?

yep we have all been there done that, dont beat yourself up too much .. hell glad you came here and posted ,be honest with yourself and learn .. and move forward .. stay strong and keep thinking positive

[Doggygirl]

Why?

Arial;591127 wrote: Anyway, so what can I learn?:
Obviously moderation is not, and never will be, an option
That I appreciate being AF all the more and will look beyond today at, what will hopefully be, a life without alcohol
That I am proud of my achievements over the last 6 weeks and have NO intention of going back, despite this disaster
That I have to get beyond the association of alcohol with certain things/events
That I need to recognise my own weakness and be better prepared to face situations where my not drinking will be a greater challenge.
That I need to go back to the tools which helped get me sober and revisit/reuse them

.........


I'm looking forward to the end of today (yes, wishing time away) and waking to a fresh start tomorrow.

Hi Arial. IMO, the most important part of your post is that part. I too lost 60 days of continuous sobriety in a similar way - beautiful (glorious!) weather, a wonderful setting, feeling on top of the world. Thought "one drink" would make a great thing absolutely perfect. (and believed my brain that it would be "just one") WRONG for me too. So yes - been there done that like so many of us. What you learn from it, and how quickly is the important part. And you are WAY ahead of me in that department! (took me 8+ months to firmly get back on the wagon.

So here's to a fresh start and a wiser woman.

DG

[Marshy]

Why?

Hi Arial,

Bummer! I too only have to have one mouthful in order to be on a collision course with the gutter. You're right that learning from the experience is the most important thing, and you sound determined about putting it behind you and moving forward. That's great!
Can I add one thing to the points you mention? When you're approaching an event that you do associate with alcohol, and know that other people will be drinking, have a solid plan in place ahead of time about what you will drink instead. Have some AF beer/wine on hand maybe? It helped me for a while to take Antabuse before going into boozy situations so I knew it was impossible for me to drink, although I know a lot of people don't want to consider Antabuse. Have something inspirational that resonates with you written down in your pocket that you can take out and read when feeling tempted?

As to why? Erm, it's an addictive substance and we're addicted to it? For me it's as straightforward as that. Evielou once wrote something that struck me - she said she stopped asking herself why she drank, she just accepted the fact that she did drink, and had to stop.

I hope you're feeling better soon. I know how disappointing it is - been there, done that!

[Determinator]

Why?

so glad you got right back here so soon Arial!

ditto what Marshy said about antabuse. It really helped me in tough drinking situations I couldn't avoid at work gatherings. Now with a few months behind me things are much better but the early days can be slippery.

you'll be feeling better soon. rest up. xxxxxxx

[Winefree]

Why?

Arial, celebrate your 6 wks and the lesson learned and start anew. I only wish I could say 6 wks, I haven't made 6 days in a long time. I started anew this past Wed and am now on day 4. I am dreaming about the 6 wks and hope I can make it.

[peacenik]

Why?

arial , i totally feel your post! last weekend i drank (not to excess, but 3 drinks) after 90+ days of sobriety. iwas at a wedding and got caught up in hte atmosphere and said f*ck it! i feel like i was testing myself (even though i know what has happened in the past...relapse for months or years even...). i do however feel like it strengthened my resolve to live a sober life, and i guess that makes it somehow a "good" lesson.

anyway, it's a new day and one out of 60 aint too shabby!

hiking in the alps!? wow...

[LVT25]

Why?

Arial, I just want to thank you for coming here and sharing your experience with us. If I ever find myself in your position, I will think of you to help reinforce why it's important to stay af.

It seems we all have to test the waters so to speak. :h

[Arial]

Why?

Thank you all for your kind support - you all make so much sense and it's so good to have people who understand. Feeling physically OK this morning, but it's going to take a bit longer to overcome the sense of depression and loss of self-respect. At least it is, hopefully, the FINAL indication that alcohol to me is a poison, an insidious thing that needs to be terminated. I wish there was a way to turn the tables - destroy it the way it will potentially destroy me and my life.

I've been thinking a lot about the question 'Why?' because I know 100% that had I been home I would NOT have drunk anything - it was the situation, the occasion that prompted the first glass - the addiction then kicked in big time. I therefore come back again to the images that I still associate with alcohol and drinking - the fresh sparkling wine on a summer's day, a romantic glass of wine with dinner, the steaming gluwein at Christmas, the hot whisky and lemon for a cold, the long, cool beer after a workout, the drink with friends. All the images I have are positive, 'feel good', even healthy!, they represent celebration, good times - where do these images come from? Is it just a very good marketing system or are they images that have developed in my mind over time, or is it culture? Looking back over my life and the impact drink has had on it, I don't remember many times where alcohol has been any of these things - more usually it has led to upset, arguments, sickness, depression, family problems, so why do I still have these images? It would seem that I personally need to work to replace them - to break the sense of positive association with alcohol. Given my personal experiences I really don't understand why they still prevail anyway - I need to replace the images of 'the good life' with the ugly, evil, destructive reality.

So that will be my new recovery focus - I'm not so worried now about drinking today, tomorrow, or any vaguely 'normal' day, but I need to identify the potential times where I would normally associate the activity or the situation with drinking and make sure I have a plan in place - not allow myself to be lured by the occasion and the association.

Apologies for the rambling - it's really helped me clarify my thoughts and made me feel that I can again take control, so onwards and upwards to a future where alcohol has no place. Thank you again. :l

[Marshy]

Why?

Arial,

This is something Wip wrote in the toolbox thread (a sticky at the top of this monthy abs section, in case you've missed it):

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

[Arial]

Why?

Thanks Marshy for this post - I actually went and read through the whole thread again - a lot of very useful stuff there, so thanks for the prompt! I appreciate you taking the time to find it.

[caysea]

Why?

Hi All
Arial sorry to hear about the relapse a lesson learned.In reading of your's and other's who have a good amount of sober time and run into problems it reinforces in me the need to be ever vigilant.It certainly is the marketing of the poison that creates the images .Reality is so far from the picture they paint.
Marshy it was great to read a WIP post I certainly miss her.Well this is the beauty of this site we learn from each other.We give support and gain knowledge from each other. No judging just a feeling of oh shit someone got burned and they are hurting.Putting it behind you as fast as you can and not embracing the al lifestyle is the best you can do. I do know that one day can turn into a week into a month into -----. It has for me in the past.Great to read that you are back armed with more knowledge .

Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF 5-16-08