Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Hi All: I just got back from a speaker meeting. A lot of great food for thought. The speaker spoke about willingness. Willingness to be open-minded & work the program even w/some reservations about it. I know I have some challenges ahead of me as I start to open up to my loved ones more & more about my drinking & about what I think & feel. I spent so many years being dishonest w/the people around me & numbing & covering my feelings. It's scary to come out into the open. I must do it...otherwise I really run the risk of relapse.

The speaker had a lot of sobriety, but he also spoke about relapses. He said that just prior to the relapses he "buttoned up." He didn't attend meetings regularly, he didn't contact his support system (AA buddies), he didn't ask for help or reach out...in short, he isolated. Alcoholism thrives on isolation. We drink & the world gets shut out. As a result, we feel lonely & drink...a vicious cycle gets set up.

It's getting late, & I have a big day tomorrow.

Please, if you're lurking, don't be shy about chiming in. This thread isn't just for people who attend meetings. Anyone can share about the ideas here. I do love hearing about other people's experiences w/meetings as well.

Mary

[Winefree]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

[QUOTE=retteacher;597948]

Alcoholism thrives on isolation. We drink & the world gets shut out. As a result, we feel lonely & drink...a vicious cycle gets set up.


Mary, that pretty much sums up my drinking. I drank at home after work while cooking dinner to block out the day and the rest of the world which I couldn't handle and then felt so alone..... and yes it isolated me from the world and my loved ones. How sad is that?

I too started going to AA this past wk and so far am surprised how I feel about it. Even stayed tonight for a second mtg after the beginners mtg. It is good to not feel so alone anymore.
WF

[cymru]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Morning everyone.
Isolation was a huge part of my drinking. When I would go on a binge, I would not speak to anyone for days. Lock the doors, turn off the phone and not answer to anyone. It was a terrible part of my drinking. I would only go out to buy booze, and those who loved me didnt know if I was dead or alive. Only when I had come to the point where I couldnt drink anymore that I would let people in. Isolation is a horrible part of alcoholism that in my experience comes to us all eventually. It was when I hit my rock bottom.
Well, my sponser is back today after spending two weeks in Ireland with his family. How inconsiderate!!!! It will be good to see him, and I love listening to him share in meetings. He is also very good at getting my head back on track if I get any silly thoughts in this alcoholic brain of mine. My sponser is someone who is a friend, but also someone I respect hugely. When he talks I listen.

[hiddengoal]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Thank you all for this thread - its a really great read. I have not attended AA meetings, but what is hooking me here is all the deep thought. I find when I go AF that my brain no longer just hops on some train and rides wherever it wishes (making me dizzy in the mean time), but that it seeks and ponders. 'My brain' can have its way with me usually, so when there is fertile thinking soil to turn, I appreciate being able to work the thoughts.

The words (& what they represent) that you all are bringing to this thread are just huge - resentment, willingness, honesty, and ISOLATION, that one tapped me. I seemed to prefer to drink in isolation - just let me go and sit and sip....my whole life has been an isolated one in so many ways. When we are isolated, I think that is when 'the brain' gets at the helm and then we just follow. I see what you all are getting from meetings is the opposite of isolation - a sense of community and a place to train the brains on constructive thought. Well, so it seems anyway.

Great Day to all...HG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Winefree: Congratulations on going to your first AA meeting. Any thoughts about meetings (regardless of how insignificant they might seem) are greatly appreciated. AA stuff isn't rocket science. They say in the program that "it's simple but not easy." That is so true. I do find that the camaraderie here at MWO about AA is very important to me.

cymru: I really like your sharings. I call my sponsor just about every day. It's so grounding. He's got 16 years of sobriety & still attends meetings several time @ week. What is that? 1.5 hours out of our day? I can spare that considering all the hours I wasted drinking.

I'll be back.

Mary

[Chief]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

I posted this in Subs yesterday but I'm not sure who here is in subs but wanted you to know.....


Well, I'm humiliated, mad, sad, disappointed, and in a "I can't fucking believe this is happening" mindset.....

I caved in and drank.

It's been eating at me for quite some time and I've been able to fight it off, although it's been a daily struggle and I don't know why. Last Thursday was a stressful day and at the end of the day I went to see my mom at the assisted living facility. She's doing okay....but I just can't stand to see her like this. She doesn't complain...she knows this is where she must be......but it seems like she has lost her spark.....doesn't really seem herself.

Well, after seeing her I stopped at the local convenience store for gas. I went in and it was like something inside me just said "fuck it" and took over. I bought a 12 pack of my favorite beer (which I haven't tasted in 20 fucking months!) and a pack of Swisher Sweet cigars. I went home and drank 8 beers and smoked 4 cigars (inhaling) Thurs evening. I was buzzed and feeling good but strange. I went to bed thinking "oh well, I fucked up 20 months AF but at least I've got it out of my system and will be AF tomorrow.

Friday came and by noon I was having serious cravings. A friend of mine came over and we worked outside doing spring yardwork. He had stopped by the night before and had a couple beers with me, so of course he shows up Friday with a case of beer. Well, Friday I drank 10 beers and smoked 5 cigars......Sat it was 12 beers and 6 cigars....Sun 12 beers and 6 cigars......yesterday 14 fucking beers and 8 cigars....

And I can't believe it. I can't believe I drank the first one. I can't believe how fast The Beast grabbed me by the throat. I just can't fucking believe this is happening.

I started taking the supps again today, but the cravings are right back as if I never stopped drinking.....


I have to get my head wrapped around this. I feel like I'm getting sucked in. I feel like I'm outnumbered.....

I'm sorry to everyone.....

Don

[Chief]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

This I just posted on the 30 day thread in subs. I wanted to let everyone here know because this thread has caught my interest and I'm going to find an AA mtg to attend....



Hi All,

Well I made it through day 1.....and it sucked.

I have decided to launch a full scale attack on The Beast. I realized this slip, which turned into a 5 day binge, was no slip at all. The Beast had been working me for weeks.....I thought I had it under control....but it was all part of his devious plan. Looking back, I can remember the thoughts of "you're going to cave....this is just too much to handle......noone would blame you....blah,blah,blah." And then, at a very weak moment, the son of a bitch hit me between the running lights and I was drinking a beer before I knew it.......and it went downhill from there.....quickly.

I called my doctor this morning and he said to come right over. I explained MWO and my 20 month AF and how it all derailed. He is a great doctor. He's also my mom's doctor so is very familiar with everything that has gone on the past year with her. He said I did a great job staying sober for 20 months, but now he wants to help. He said it is critical that I get a hold of this right now......said after 20 months AF and then drinking 56 drinks and smoking like a chimney for 5 days, I was walking on a tight rope and there was no room for error.

He wants me to stay with MWO because it worked for me and I have developed friends and trust with all (well, maybe not ALL) of you....lol.
But he also prescribed Ativan (.5mg in the morning & .5mg in the afternoon) plus Campral (1 pill 3 times a day). He said these will help with the cravings of both alcohol and nicotine. He said I'll take the Ativan only for 30 days, or less if things go well. He said I can stay on the Campral for a long time if needed. He also suggested going to an AA mtg just to see what it's like. He knows I'm a retired Navy Chief and said it's time to use every weapon we have. He said this isn't a conflict...this is a war. There is one winner and one loser.

So I'm in the attack mode. I just took the first Ativan and Campral. He said the Campral will take a couple days to really kick in but the Ativan should start to make me feel less edgy pretty quick. I hope so because this is day 2 and I'm very nervous. I'm going to look into an AA mtg today......others here seem to be having success with AA, so I'm going to give it a shot.

I have to do this.

I want everyone who is struggling and craving right now to listen to me.......DON"T GIVE IN! I can't believe I did and you have no idea how bad I feel about it. I let myself down, my wife down, and everyone here down. If you're thinking about taking that first drink, think of me.....

On to day 2....

Thanks all,

Don

[tlrgs]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

hey don we have all been there and done that good to see you come here and be honest with yourself and others.. we love you buddy always big hugs

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

slay the beast one more time!

Don, I don't know what to say, so I will give you this instead:l:l:l

I can only imagine how you feel, I haven't made it anywhere near 20months and yet the disappointment I feel when I let myself down is HUGE.

I'm so glad your taking the steps you are to ensure your sobriety! I hope AA gives you what it has given to many, including DG and Mary. If you open your mind and your heart, I'm sure you will find hope and inspiration there.

Please keep us informed on your progress...this only proves the beast is ever vigilant, we can NEVER let our guard down. Only last week he had me believing/thinking the only way to be free of "it" would be to not be here (physically). God that scared me to even entertain thoughts like that.

So, you can and will do this, my friend. We'll all pitch in to give you some of that good ole tough love that you taught us:h:H

R2C

[Pamina]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Hi Don,

I just wanted to say you're not outnumbered. We've got your back and so would people in AA. Good for you for being on the war path - go kick some butt!!

My dad went through a difficult illness in 2005-08 during which time he had to progressively give up on life as he had known it and I had to let go of dad as I'd known him. It genuinely is very hard to handle. Finding help that helps is crucial. As we know, AL does no such thing. Do keep looking for support that works for you. Well done on day 2! :l

[PeggySue]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Hi Chief,
I have bounced in and out of MWO for a year now. I always loved your posts and comments. You are human, and you have made it before, and you will do it again. You are always an inspiration. I have always avoided AA...just couldn't see how it could help. Tried it a few times and just felt miserable...like I was the biggest loser in the world. I felt like everybody just substituted meetings for a drink....but then guess that's not such a bad idea now that I think about it. Could somebody send me the link for the meditations? I would like that.
thanks, Peggysue

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Daily readings link: Daily Recovery Readings

Hi everyone!

Chief, I'm sorry to hear of your relapse. I do believe it's true that the decision to drink usually happens long before the actual drink. We have already done some justifications in our minds I think. I am glad to see you right back here and now allowing the relapse mode to continue for around 8 months like I did. Chin up. Onward and forward. Of course I have no idea if you will find AA helpful or not, but I have found it very helpful. I have certainly found that each different meeting tends to have a core group of folks that create a sort of "personality" for the group. I found it beneficial to "try out" a variety of meetings to find what felt like the best fit for me as a "home group" so to speak. Mean time, I wish you strength in dealing with your mother's situation. Aging parent issues are NOT easy to face.

hiddengoal, you touched upon one of THE number one positive things that AA does for me. It fills my very busy mind with something productive to think about. There tends to be something in the readings each day that sparks interest in my head. Funny - so many meetings I attend are more about how we think that is unproductive than about drinking or drugging specifically.

I too like the "words" that are often emphasized. WILLINGNESS was heavily featured at the meetings I attended both yesterday and today. WILLINGNESS to work at the steps - not perfection at the steps. Not even whole hearted enthusiasm about the steps or about AA in general. Just willingness.

As far as "willingness to give AA a try" goes, there was an interesting visitor at today's meeting. He is visiting family in the area for a few months but hails from Texas. He described a very large AA gathering of some sort (like maybe a regional thing or something) where they asked everyone to stand who had a year or more of sobriety. Of those people, they asked some form of "did you think AA was for you when you first attended a meeting." Almost nobody thought AA was for them initially. That was a "wow" moment for me as I am certainly one who never thought AA was for me LOL.

Peggysue I think you are right in that substituting an AA meeting for a drink is not a bad idea for an alkie. I would certainly rather go to an AA meeting than pick up a drink because I KNOW where it leads. Same place it led the Chief and just as quickly.

Winefree and Cy - Isolation was a huge one for me too. I reached a point where I only wanted to leave my house long enough to get booze as early in the morning as there was a place open. I didn't want to participate in running our business, or hobbies, or family / friend get togethers, or anything but drinking. Me and AL. I wanted to just be left alone so I could drink to get drunk day after day then get up and do it again tomorrow. What a non-life that was. Almost complete isolation. I am so lucky that I didn't lose my marriage and my home, etc. etc.

Cy - good to hear that you have a good sponsor. I like the woman who is my temporary sponsor but I'm not 100% sure it's a good fit long term for what I need in a sponsor and what she has to give as a sponsor. We shall see, but I'm not in a big stress over it. If I had it to do all over again I probably would have waited longer to approach someone about being my sponsor, and would have talked to more people about what I might need most in a sponsor and what people have those qualities. Live and learn, and that's why it's a GREAT idea to agree on a "temporary sponsorship" situation until you both see how it works out.

This is getting long but there is one more cool story I feel like sharing. The group I met with yesterday is becoming my "home" group - just a great core group of folks. A young guy (25 years old) came to the meeting yesterday. I've seen him at other meetings at this club but not the 7AM one. He had a Big Issue on his mind having to do with an ex girlfriend and possible paternity of a little girl. He was very emotional about it. The support and advice he recieved from both men and women in the group was truly amazing. Wonderful words of wisdom, and wonderfully presented, in that way AA teaches us to do - speaking from our own experience rather than "telling people what to do" which is certainly MY nature (and it doesn't work very well!). I felt so good just to be in this meeting. It felt great to know that there is such wisdom that will be available to me if I need it someday. This was an example of the principles at work. And the subject of alcohol didn't even come up! (although getting help with the problem so that alcohol would NOT be seen as a "solution" is part of the principles!)

Anyway, I'm grateful to be 11 months sober today, and to be able to share that with you, my friends here at MWO and also with my new friends at AA.

Have a terrific sober day everyone! The only drink we have to worry about is the first one.

DG

[SAUSAGE]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Chief
So sorry to learn of your relapse - your story has really frightened and scared me - I've been having a lot of internal arguments in my head as I approach my 6 month sobriety mark, trying to justify a glass of wine and it scares me, I must never let my guard down.

At least you've been honest - come straight back here and are getting everything in place to fight that beast once and for all - it would have been so easy to "hide" and just keep drinking. You are stronger than the beast, you've done it before and you'll do it again - keep going and keep posting on your progress.

I continue to "dip into" this thread, as i've said before , as I want to learn more about AA - I am seriously thinking about trying to attend a meeting, as I feel it would help me - am feeling "at risk" at the moment with lots of "justifying a drink /moderation " thoughts going round in my head.

Will be back later

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

DG...Happy Friggin Anniversay...Well done on 11 months! You will have a year in no time. Great Job!

R2C

[Chief]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of April 20 - 26

Thanks everyone....

And, DG.....a HUGE congratulations on 11 months! I'm proud of you....

Don