Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

[Cntrygrl]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

DG,

Thank you so much for the feedback. I think part of the draw back is just had you said, admitting I am an alcholic. Even writing that was very difficult. Not sure why t seems so bad to say out loud, like it makes me weak or different.

I am still working with keeping this a "secret". Thinking I'll stop, I'll get better and nobody will no the difference. I have a husband and 2 kids (old enough to notice) and nobody seems to see a difference. Don't get me wrong that is my intention, but of course that leads my mind right into "can't be that bad, if it's the same whether I drink or not". This of course is not true. Today I will not drink and my goal is to never again.
Take Care

[cymru]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Hi all.
Good meeting last night. We are reading the to wives section at the moment, and its incredible how much you can get out of the book when reading it with others. Made me realize alot of my own resentments with regard to my partner and our relationship. Spoke to my sponser for a while after the meeting, and left feeling I had gained quite a bit.
On a less happy note, a lady I give a lift to the meeting was obviously under the influence last night. Not alcohol, but I think she had def taken speed(amphetamine). I took it alot when i was younger, and its a horrible drug. Only really noticed it during and after the meeting, but once it had finished, she was buzzing around, talking and cleaning. Others noticed too. Talking about things, but not being able to keep concentration for more than a min or 2. She mentioned on the way home that she hadnt slept for a few days. The comedown of speed is bloody awfull, especially after a couple of days, so I hope she is ok.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

CntryGirl: I tried keeping my drinking secret. That was the most soul-destroying part of the whole thing. I had an ugly drinking episode that got my drinking out to family & some close friends. That episode turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. I subsequently joined AA. My husb still doesn't know the entire extent of my secret drinking, but he will. Currently, I'm doing the 12 steps of AA, & one of them involves admitting what I've done. I don't want to scare you, because everyone has his/her own way of working the AA program. But, for me, I MUST come totally out in the open about what I've done. I need it for my recovery.

Last night's meeting was incredibly emotional. It was on the 1st step...admitting powerlessness. There were 2 people there who had relapsed the week before...one of whom got a DUI & landed in a detox. The other (w/tears in his eyes) talked about wanting to do ANYTHING in order to get well...he was that desperate. It was heart-wrenching hearing them speak, but I think that it's a necessary part of recovery. No one judged, & I saw a couple of people go up to them afterward w/big hugs. As for me, I'm progressing along in small increments, calling my spons every day & working on my steps as well.

Take care everyone. We're having a neighborhood tag sale this weekend, & my daughter & I are participating. I'll try to get here to MWO, but I'll be fine sobriety-wise. I put that first every day.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Cntrygrl,
I know the feeling. I went to an open meeting Wed. night with no intention of speaking. The lady running meeting was named Mary (coincidence??) and was very good. She got everyone to share including me. I mentioned that I had never had a DUI, no jail time, no job loss, so how could I have a problem? But I do and I know it.

After the meeting one of the guys came up to me and shared a little of his story...hmmm....just like mine, no DUI, no jail, etc...but yeah we both had a problem.
It felt good.
Thanks for listening,
Love and Peace,
Phil

[paula]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

I would love to join you on this thread. I was sober for 6 years, until my brother became ill, after he died I got worse. I have been attending AA for some time and find it helpful, but I have not been able to stay sober for more than a few days.Last friday I got very drunk and my neighbours called for an ambulance, fortunately my husband arrived home and said he would look after me ( thank god, or they would have taken me to the hospital where I work). I have been sober since, but the craving is still there, the only way I can stay sober is by staying at home. My life is a complete mess, I desperately want to change, but I don't know how.
Paula.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Paula: Of course you can join us. I too had something similar happen in March but did go to the hosp. It was pretty awful. That's when i joined AA. Think about it.

Hi Phil: I love seeing you here.

Mary

[paula]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Thanks Mary, I am keeping myself busy today, the craving is not quite so bad.
Paula.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Paula: The first week is the absolute worst. It'll start to wane soon. Mary

[Cntrygrl]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

This will be my 3rd Friday not drinking and the last few days have been the hardest. I keep telling myself "see you can stop. it's under control" Not! It's driving me crazy.

I feel like I am running around in circles in my head. I simply can't focus at all. Now that I have changed my direction by being sober, I somehow need to move forward.

Happy Friday to you all.

[voguefit]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Paula
I too was sober for 6yrs and for the last 4 ive been on & off, ive been 11 days AF now and am finding this site so inspirational and non-judgemental. My hubbie always plays down my drinking i think he likes a drinking buddy, but he's not living in this body and i know what truly happens to me, i soooo don't want the anxiety/panic attacks on Monday like i used to!!! good Luck :-)

[okydoky]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

I don't know what was more terrifying, walking into an AA meeting or saying "I'm an alcoholic".
Well, that was over 3 months ago and I am amazed that I now look forward to the meetings.
Here is a little excerpt from "AA for the woman":
If you are "functioning" as a housewife, student, working woman, etc, and covering up the effects of your drinking, ask yourself: How much effort, how much sheer willpower is involved in the cover-up? Is the effect worth the effort? Is there any real fun left?
Alcoholism is a progressive illness. Late starting or early, the drinking gets more and more out of control. Indeed, the very attempt to control it can become an all-consuming preoccupation. Drinking only wine or beer, promising oneself to drink only on weekends, spacing drinks. These are only a few of the methods devised to control intake and as classic a symptom as the shattering hangover or frightening blackout. At any point in the downward progression, you can get off and stay off, simply by reaching out for help and become willing to face your problem. It doesn't matter if you are 15 or 50, rich or poor, college graduate or high school dropout, freedom can be yours.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

Welcome Voguefit and Paula, and hello again Cntrygrl!

Vogue congrats on 11 days - that is awesome. I think that does indeed happen sometimes - spouses / significant others wanting to retain a drinking buddy or have other reasons of their own (even just general change aversion) to "look the other way." To me, honesty with myself was the only thing that mattered. Worrying / caring too much what others think of me can be problematic in it's own right, at least for me. If I know in my heart that I am a problem drinker / alcoholic / whatever label, and that my life becomes unmanageable when drinking, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks really.

Cntrygrl, the "self talk" you describe sounds all too familiar. For me, the thoughts along the lines of "I'm really not so bad...." "I've had some sober time so now I can have just one...." "I'll drink today and stop tomorrow...." "As long as I'm not driving I'm really OK...." were total BS once I really thought about it honestly. The "now I can have just one" is the most hillarious of all since I NEVER have had just one that I can ever recall. If I didn't / couldn't have only one drink when I was 18, what on earth would make me believe that would happen after 30+ years of marathon drinking??

Paula, if you feel as though you are running out of viable options to try, have you considered an in-patient rehab program? I know that sounds extreme but I think for some people that is actually a good option. Way better than the long term drinking / struggling / deteriorating health / risky behavior option. When you say you tried / attend AA, do you mean you go daily, have a sponsor, etc.? (it's none of my business unless you care to discuss it here - I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to grill you!! Just trying to better understand your circumstances but "none of your business" is a fair answer!)

Cy, I too get so much more out of the materials from the Big Book to the 12 &12, 24 Hours, Daily Reflections, etc. when we read it then discuss as a group than I do trying to just read it on my own. Every word means something! A guy in a meeting today pointed out something interesting about Step 5 which says "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and t another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." I'm not to Step 5 yet, not even close. But I always sort of assumed it meant a list of what we've done wrong to who. What this guy pointed out was the word NATURE. The exact NATURE of our wrongs. In his view, that is different than a laundry list of our wrong doings. To him, it means we reach deeper than the surface list. The example he gave was cheating on his wife. For him, it wasn't admitting he cheated on his wife X many times and with who that was important. It was admitting the NATURE of that wrong which had to do with his insecurities and ego, and the self centered nature of the acts without regard to his wife or husbands of the cheetees (is that a word??? ), etc.

At any rate, long way of saying Cy that I too find that aspect of meetings interesting. I also have the good fortune to have some AA historical scholars of sorts in many meetings who are often able to supply some interesting background on how certain words / phrases were arrived at, etc. I hope to do more reading about the history once I get some of my early stuff completed as I find it all quite interesting.

Yesterday was a very easy day to get and stay grateful. It's not hard at all for me to stay grateful when nearly everything goes my way all day. The sun was out, the traffic lights were green, great sale at the mall to ease my shopping guilt, just one of those kinds of days. While nothing over the top tragic happened today, it just wasn't one of those easy peasy days. Can't find an acorn squash plant to save my life. I have some early markers of heart disease showing up in some medical tests. Had a tiff with Mr. Doggy about a machine the doc recommends for my health and Mr. D is concerned about how it will look on our kitchen counter. The weather forecast I looked at last night did not come true and I was not dressed quite warm enough today. You know, that kind of mainly minor crap with maybe a hint of something important thrown in for good measure.

I'm glad I went to an AA meeting at 4PM. I felt I needed it and I'm so glad I went. I didn't realize until the 24 Hour reading that a huge difference between yesterday and today is that yesterday I stayed grateful all day, and today I did not. I think becuase it was slightly more difficult for me to think about gratitude today, so I didn't.

The sentences "As long as I stay grateful, I'll stay sober. Am I in a grateful frame of mind?" LOL I said to myself "no" without even skipping a beat as I was reading along while someone else read that out loud. I don't highlight much in my 24 hour book but I highlighted that.

As always, a number of people had things to say that brought my attitude / gratitude problem of today into clear focus. Probably the one who spoke the loudest to me was a man I see frequently at afternoon meetings when I go in the afternoon (not that often - but that seems to be when he goes most often). He has been sober 11 years. For the last 6 years he has "lived on the streets." (he is homeless the way most people would term it - that's just not the way he terms it) Just him, his bike with little.....hitched up thingy containing all his worldly belongs, and his little dog. (really) He always talks about being grateful. He is greatful for the inner peace he has found in sobriety. He is out there trying to help other street people get sober. His God loves him and all of us equally and unconditionally. I wouldn't make it 5 minutes in his world. And during that 5 minutes I'm sure "gratitude" would not be part of it. So there I found myself having a pity party today - no wonder I had some drinking thoughts and was more miserable by a long shot than I should have or could have been today.

So...it was the attitude adjustment I needed. Of all the things that grumped me out today, the only thing worthy of the smallest of grumping was the medical test news. But I have a wonderful doctor which I AM grateful for...and need to work on being more grateful for. She thinks about the welfare of her patients first rather than her wallet, her patients first before her professional safety (she thinks outside the box which is often unpopular in the mainstream med community), and she is willing to answer my questions honestly and with respect. She has me moving in a general health direction that has me in MUCH healthier shape than a year ago. I have every reason to follow her advice now, and be hopeful that we can reverse some of this stuff - it's early. Etc.

Funny - the AA club is near the big local hospital / medical complex. So I realized that within a stones throw literally of that meeting, there were probably many, many people who today either died, or found out they have a terminal illness, or lost a loved one, etc. etc. - WAY WAY WAY WAY worse than anything my day had to offer.

I'm grateful to at least be able to recognize these "pity parties" much sooner. I used to just live in one gargantuous continuous never ending pity party. I'm glad I'm not back there any more!

Anyway...enough babble for one day. I'm grateful to any of you who have endured reading this post! And to having you all as friends and co-warriors against AL.

DG

[Cntrygrl]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

DG,
Thank you for the message. Today I am grateful and will make it my goal to stay that way all day.

Day 16 and going strong............

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

OkeyDoky: Thanks for your message about women alcoholics. I do think we are somewhat different in that there is more of a need to keep it hidden & under control. I was a late bloomer to alcoholism...it would be easy for me to get into denial. At Thursday's meeting, there was a lot of talk about bottoms...the alcoholic type. High or low bottoms. Maybe I'm a high bottom or maybe not. I had reached a bottom w/the hiding, trying to control, lying, etc.

DG: Yes, to making an effort to feel grateful each & every day. Thanks so much for the reminder.

Mary

[CS04]

Weekly AA Thread - May 4 through May 10

What is the difference between a high bottom and a low bottom? I just heard that at a meeting, too, and didn't know what it meant.