Dear ABland
I'm feeling very emotional today (hah, what else is new!) because exactly a year ago I jumped onto a 14-day AF thread which ended up changing my life MASSIVELY. I was on my way to visit my Dad and didn't want to fall into the rut of anxiety-driven daily drinking that had become a habit during our encounters after he'd been diagnosed with MND. I initially thought I just wanted to get through the two weeks sober.
Well, one thing led to another. I liked the gang on Boozebusters and had a run of 4.5 months AF. During that time I was mentally preparing to move to my Dad's city temporarily in order to look after him as his health deteriorated. It was a daunting thought, and I felt so much stronger AF. When I finally went in August, I only had 3 weeks with him before he passed on. It was a huge shock that reality failed to conform to my plans, but luckily by then the AF lifestyle was so engrained that I marched through all the arrangements without a thought of drinking.
It was only when I returned to London for a few weeks in October that I decided to experiment with my old lifestyle. Which meant go with the flow, have a few drinks with people who drank. The problem wasn't so much that I'd get drunk all the time - I did have 2 drunk episodes during that trip, the only ones all year - but it felt completely wrong. I got antsy and nervous. I'd been diagnosing my drinking patterns and knew I went overboard when I was stressed out. I knew I drank on strong emotions. There I was, newly bereaved - duh!
The next phase of my year was built on the realisation that I couldn't go back to my old habits. Emotional instability + AL = train wreck, for me. If I was to have a drink, it could only be in a safe setting, on a safe day. That meant abstaining 98% of the time. I'd occasionally have a glass of wine at dinner parties, and that worked in terms of controlling my drinking. I didn't crave more and I didn't get nervous. My tolerance had gone way down anyway. From everything I've read here, I realise that is only possible because my drinking career is fairly recent.
The jury's out on whether that could be a long-term lifestyle or whether I'd eventually talk myself into upping the doses. I returned to work in the new year, and the weirdest thing happened - as I continued to work on the bereavement in counselling, I realised I missed the power of abstinence. Moderation was ok but it was recovery-neutral, whereas 100% abs is empowering. I can't put my finger on it, but it's got to do with having control over your feelings, choices, reality at all times. Taking responsibility for yourself, at all times. Today the upshot is that I WANT to abstain and I love it! Not an outcome I would have predicted when I first started those 14 days.
I've been thinking a lot recently about what this past year could have looked like if I hadn't stumbled upon the MWO website, and it doesn't bear thinking about. I still can't believe people I've never met have had such a huge impact on my life!! Your stories have given me so much motivation to carry on - and though I left for a while thinking I had this drinking thing licked with my 'moderation formula', I'm grateful that so many of you are still here to share the recovery that carries on in so many forms on these pages. Thank you all for helping me off the slippery slope and for sharing this journey - it's been amazing! :l:h:l
Aunty Mame was one of the founders of that 14-day thread - special thank you, Mame, wherever you are!!!! :thanks:
I'm feeling very emotional today (hah, what else is new!) because exactly a year ago I jumped onto a 14-day AF thread which ended up changing my life MASSIVELY. I was on my way to visit my Dad and didn't want to fall into the rut of anxiety-driven daily drinking that had become a habit during our encounters after he'd been diagnosed with MND. I initially thought I just wanted to get through the two weeks sober.
Well, one thing led to another. I liked the gang on Boozebusters and had a run of 4.5 months AF. During that time I was mentally preparing to move to my Dad's city temporarily in order to look after him as his health deteriorated. It was a daunting thought, and I felt so much stronger AF. When I finally went in August, I only had 3 weeks with him before he passed on. It was a huge shock that reality failed to conform to my plans, but luckily by then the AF lifestyle was so engrained that I marched through all the arrangements without a thought of drinking.
It was only when I returned to London for a few weeks in October that I decided to experiment with my old lifestyle. Which meant go with the flow, have a few drinks with people who drank. The problem wasn't so much that I'd get drunk all the time - I did have 2 drunk episodes during that trip, the only ones all year - but it felt completely wrong. I got antsy and nervous. I'd been diagnosing my drinking patterns and knew I went overboard when I was stressed out. I knew I drank on strong emotions. There I was, newly bereaved - duh!
The next phase of my year was built on the realisation that I couldn't go back to my old habits. Emotional instability + AL = train wreck, for me. If I was to have a drink, it could only be in a safe setting, on a safe day. That meant abstaining 98% of the time. I'd occasionally have a glass of wine at dinner parties, and that worked in terms of controlling my drinking. I didn't crave more and I didn't get nervous. My tolerance had gone way down anyway. From everything I've read here, I realise that is only possible because my drinking career is fairly recent.
The jury's out on whether that could be a long-term lifestyle or whether I'd eventually talk myself into upping the doses. I returned to work in the new year, and the weirdest thing happened - as I continued to work on the bereavement in counselling, I realised I missed the power of abstinence. Moderation was ok but it was recovery-neutral, whereas 100% abs is empowering. I can't put my finger on it, but it's got to do with having control over your feelings, choices, reality at all times. Taking responsibility for yourself, at all times. Today the upshot is that I WANT to abstain and I love it! Not an outcome I would have predicted when I first started those 14 days.
I've been thinking a lot recently about what this past year could have looked like if I hadn't stumbled upon the MWO website, and it doesn't bear thinking about. I still can't believe people I've never met have had such a huge impact on my life!! Your stories have given me so much motivation to carry on - and though I left for a while thinking I had this drinking thing licked with my 'moderation formula', I'm grateful that so many of you are still here to share the recovery that carries on in so many forms on these pages. Thank you all for helping me off the slippery slope and for sharing this journey - it's been amazing! :l:h:l
Aunty Mame was one of the founders of that 14-day thread - special thank you, Mame, wherever you are!!!! :thanks:
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