The Giant Sucking Hole

[Cinders]

Darn,

I hate to type this but I have to.

How much is "enough?"

When would we be satisfied? Ever?

I simply cannot think of a time in the recent past, long ago past, whatever, where I was satiated. Ever.

I have an unending need. I would drink until dead. Period.

Sorry, just had to post this. I have been thinking about it and reviewing my history.

There truly is no such thing as "enough."

There is only sober or gone.

Love,
Cindi

ps This only counts for those of us who are in this space, but once a pickle, never a cucumber again.

[com1]

The Giant Sucking Hole

So well put with so few words. We can tell ourselves what we want to hear to enable us to try and be like others. Maybe we tell ourselves that we deserve it or some such B.S..

But if we are going to be honest with ourselves as well as others, we must face the reality for what it is. WE ARE NOT THE SAME AS OTHERS!! (At least those without the affliction). No sugar coating. It is what it is. We cannot delude ourselves into believing that a miracle somehow has taken place and now that we have been AF for a period that our condition has changed. Hogwash is what that thought process is.

AL wants us to not be AF and wants us back in its grasp. I cannot have one as I will be right back where I was before I knew I had to stop. Nothing is going to miraculously change that fact.

Thanks for letting me vent, all

com1:thanks:

[last call]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Hey com 1. Well put. I agree with you entirely. It sucks doesn't it? I keep thinking to myself how I wound up like this. It doesn't run in my immediate family at all, but I've heard rumors that were always kept hush hush that I had an uncle that was very bad. Use to pass out on the street supposedily. Who knows. It was years ago and nobody is still alive to ask. Gotta blame it on somebody right? LOL Take care, Maggie

[Lavande]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Hi Cindi, com1 & last call and everyone,

I'm a health care professional (retired) I've always known that virtually everyone alive has 'something' they're dealing with, often chronic health conditions, physical or emotional. Just because you don't see it or hear them talk about it doesn't mean that it's not there & real. In other words, there is no perfect, unaffected human being...........we all have our burdens.

I decided at the beginning of my journey to get control of my addiction burden, then put it in its place. I know that I can never relax & forget my burden but I'm not allowing it to affect & control every waking thought & moment. I am not my addiction! I am a good, kind person, have had a successful career, long marriage, raised 2 wonderful kids and I 've done all this despite my burden.
Think about the Diabetic who must spend his lifetime checking blood sugar levels, follow dietary restrictions, inject insulin to stay healthy & alive. Think about the Epileptic who never knows where or when the next seizure will occur. We all have some burden in our lives.

I choose to be happy that I am alive, well and AF. There's a lot of life to live yet. I will drag my burden along with me, because I have to, but it will be in the 'backseat'. I won't allow it to cloud my happy, bright outlook

We all need to take the Charge Position in our lives. It is your right to be in charge of your own life...........

All the best to everyone.

[Popeye]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Lavande;623140 wrote: We all need to take the Charge Position in our lives. It is your right to be in charge of your own life...........

You nailed it!

I realised a while ago that I wasn't in charge. I was drifting; being dragged along by events and curcumstance. It just takes a small shift in perception to make a huge difference to the outlook.

[Evie.Lou]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Your words are so true that they "HURT"..........but "HURT" it sorta a good, strange, familiar way ?? it's comforting to know that others here identify with the way ( I am programed ?? ).....what ever the way you want to put it, I think you all know what I am getting at...
I love what Lavende said "I am not my addiction !!! How true !!!! We aren't the disease !!!!!!!!
I read the posts here and feel such warmth and love coming from wonderful caring compassionate AMAZING people ........who happen to have the disease of Alcoholism. It is a honor to know you guys. YOU GUYS ROCK !!!

[gyco]

The Giant Sucking Hole

hi cinder,i have to disagree with you,even bill and bob said there are some that will find a way,there plan came into effect when they realised they couldn't drink,as you say,no matter what,wanting to make a difference in the Way you drink, i beleive is the key, over the last ,21 months,its been the most ive ever stopped,doing it this way,id drink,but then id stop,where as b4 ,id continue,for months or years,now ,i mt drink but i catch it,only cause the brain is being trained to realise the longer i drink,the worse and harder it gets to stop,not saying how much it beats up the body,im not saying my way is correct,but i dont dwell on the fact,if i can have one or not,take naltrexone,its going in leaps and bounds,there is also another medication ,its a needle ,good for a year,vivitrol,there are many ways to combat this illness of sort,i could be wrong,our brains are damaged,depending on how much we've drank times the number of years,how many car accidents you been in,it cant compare to the number of times we've hurt our brain with Al,just a thought,have a wonderful day gyco

[Cinders]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Gyco,

I am not speaking in terms of lapses, I am speaking in terms of when I have drank.

I wrote the post to remind myself how much I am addicted to alcohol. I truly do not have control once I pour the first drink in my mouth.

I have finally come to accept that is the case, I will never be a "normal" drinker.

And, Lavande, I agree. It is quite similar to other issues, unfortunately, a diabetic does not hurt those around them. An alcohol wreaks havoc in the lives of their loved ones and is a risk to society in general if driving, etc.

I am not really feeling sorry for myself, just coming to terms with my addiction.

Love,
Cindi

[momof3]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Cindi,

From the time I took my first drink at 13, it was a love/hate relationship. I drank to oblivion period. There was never moderation...never enough. If it wasn't alcohol, it was something else...everything had to be more, more, more

For several months after I quit drinking, I felt deprived because I had nothing to fill that bottomless pit within me. It was all I knew. Now, finally, I am beginning to feel gratitude (and I sometimes still fall back into deprivation mode).

M3

[Doggygirl]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Hi Cindi. Very thought provoking and good topic. And Lavande, I really like the perspective you have brought to the topic. You are right - everyone has some burden to bear. I am a typical alkie that gets wrapped up in my own selfish thinking and fails to consider that everyone else has problems too. I'm not "special" in that regard. In fact I'm lucky to have as few problems as I do!

Cindi, sticking with the diabetic example, from my perspective that disease (and I'm sure all diseases) DO cause hurt to people around the diabetic. There is the scenario of a diabetic who makes their own condition worse, and the physical and emotional burden on those around them worse by NOT following the diet and other guidelines that are given. This can be as heartbreaking to loved ones as the alcoholic who keeps on drinking. And then there is the diabetic like my Dad who HAS followed the recommendations since his diagnosis, but is sliding down the hill in an ugly way anyhow. His loved ones watch in agony as there is nothing more we can see to be done to change it. Like the alcoholic who stops drinking, but slowly dies an alcohol related death anyway (i.e. liver disease).

I offer this perspective as I catch myself constantly thinking that somehow, my problem is bigger, more unique, or something "more" than other people's problems. I'm "special." (not) This type of thinking always leads me in the wrong direction in my pea brain.

Lavande thanks again for your post because it would not have occured to me to take a look at this subject a new way.

Cindi when I was drinking, there was never enough booze. No off switch. I am powerless over alcohol if I take even one sip.

DG

[momof3]

The Giant Sucking Hole

Yes DG. It is indeed a trap for us to think that our alcoholism is a unique burden. This is why it is so important for me to work hard on gratitude and stay away from feeling deprived or resentful. Working hard on making my own life and others lives better is a strategy that keeps me in "gratitude mode."

This year I have one friend who has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, another with cancer and a brother who has debilitating pain and depression. I am grateful that I can "cure" my disease by just not drinking.