AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

[Loppy lugs]

Morning all,

What a thread yesterday! So many things to really make you think.

Firstly thank you everyone for your concern I promise that I will not hurt myself whatever happens. I will find some other way.

I found the isolation theme very interesting. It is something I do all the time. That and an inability to really ask for help. I found it interesting to realise that I only went on chat after I had exploded I couldn't go on and say "I feel ..... please help" but that I can be very honest after the event. I think that is why I find the whole concept of AA frightening, you have to reach out to a real person and be vulnerable. I am not ready to go even though the longer I come to this site the more I realise it really helps many people.

I wonder how many people here are the "strong" ones in their relationships with others. I am very lucky with most of my friends and many of them would do absolutely anything for me if I asked but I would never dream of burdening them. Although I am certain that at least one of them would be really hurt to know what I am going through and that I hadn't told her. Actually now I think of it more than one.

When to let friends go? Interesting, just as I find it hard to reach out to people, I also find it hard to block out people who are not helpful to me. I have frequently ended up with people pushing their friendships on me and I never know how to get out of it. Sometimes I have even turned my phone off until they stop calling. Very immature but I'm not very good at saying no and often there just isn't enough me to go around.

Anyway need to cuddle a rabbit before I go to work. Rusty or Stew as I've taken to calling him, as in "do that again and you're stew" continues to be a big character. I'm so glad he and Lady M became friends and I was able to keep him.

Take care everyone

[rustop61]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Hi everyone

Another beautiful morning here. Yesterday was a scorcher. Spent it at a pony show with my daughter. It's a long, long day but she enjoys it. Have to catch up on the threads but first need to take the doggies for a walk before it gets too hot. When looking after the pony and daughter, they get neglected. It's a juggling act.

Glad things are improving Loppy. Hope everyone else had a good week-end.

Rustop

[dill]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Friendships, Alc, and What, When and How to let go. This has been cycling around in my brain ever since DG's post yesterday. I have a similar relationship as the one DG described. The friend is a college friend. We drank in college, but that wasn't a big thing for me back then. She went on to a high stress carreer and became a full blown alcoholic in her 20-30's. She started having frightening black outs and realized she was out of control and joined AA. She has been sober for about 20 years. I, on the other hand was just beginning my drinking carreer when she joined AA. I went on to become what I am today: an alcoholic. Drinking was not our common bond. But, the friendship has almost always been a "problem" to me. I was ready to let it go the day I graduated college. She, on the other hand, kept it going. I basically liked her, but always felt a bit intimidated by her because of her intelligence and drive. In my mind, I never felt I measured up. Ironically, I think what drew her to me was my more down-to-earth, laid back personality! She relied on me to listen and talk her through many bad relationships and lonely times. When she moved away, I was a bit relieved. Still, she has kept in touch, visiting on occasion, birthday cards, some phone calls. I respond minimally with one card or letter a year on average. I have felt kind of badly about this for many years. My heart is not in the relationship, but it's not that I don't like her. Most friendships like that, kind of off-balance in nature, I just let go of. This one I just can't. I respct her and like her, and feel honored that I have been important enought to her that she has felt the need to stay in touch. Does that make any sense? ...So, I guess, I don't have any answer for DG! Just sharing my experience. But, I will say, if she were a drinking trigger for me, I wouldn't hesitate to let the relationship go completely.

Sorry for being so long here! Have a great day everyone!!!

[paula]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

I am really struggling, I don't seem to be able to stay sober and I hate myself for it. I go to AA meetings. I can admit that I am powerless over alchol, that my life is unmanageable, so why can't I stay sober.

[greeneyes]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Morning all!

Paula, I'm sorry you are struggling so. Can you just focus on today? Break it down if you can. Be sober until lunchtime. Get rid of any alcohol in the house if there is any. What things help? Being busy? Being with someone? Water, food, supplements. Meds? Have you visited the tool box thread lately? It may not be easy, but try to honor yourself for trying. Hating ourselves makes it easier to succumb. You're a good person who recognizes a problem and is trying. That is admirable. Always keep trying.

[paula]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Thanks Green eyes, I don't have any drink in the house. I am tormenting myself with guilt and find it difficult to focus on anything.

[greeneyes]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Paula can you do something that doesn't require brain power but is distracting? For example, yard work (if yo have a yard) would get you outside, keep you busy and would accomplish something. Clean out a closet or two? The past is over. Feeling guilty won't help anything. (I for one need to print that out I struggle so with guilt of all kinds). Pay attention to today and being sober. Reclaiming yourself.

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Good morning everyone. Paula, is there someone you can call on the phone? A friend who understands what you are going through - maybe someone from AA that you like / respect? I also like Greenie's suggestion of reading the Toolbox thread. One thing is for sure - alcohol will NOT fix what you are feeling right now. Are you at a point where maybe rehab should be a consideration? Your posts sound like you absolutely want to break free of this horrid addiction - please consider all options available to you. I also love Greenie's suggestion to focus on today or even the next hour if that's what it takes.

I will be thinking of you today and trying to send along some strength vibes.

Loppy, thanks for getting us started today. Isolation in some form or other seems to be a common trait among all of the alcoholics I have gotten to know both here and now face to face. We can be "alone" in a crowded room. Before I got to the stage where nearly all of my drinking was done alone at home, I realize I drank alone in public. "Drinking Alone" was a "danger" sign to me (you might be an alkie if ________________) so I convinced myself I was NOT an alkie by making sure I was always with at least one other person. That might be a complete stranger in an uncrowded bar. Or it might be a whole bunch of strangers in a crowded bar. It might be a family gathering where nobody else but me was drinking, so I WAS "drinking alone" but convinced myself otherwise since there were lots of other people around me. In a hundred different ways, it was about the drinking and rarely about the company I kept - isolation without being alone.

Anyway, this self discovery process is exhilerating at times and very frightening at times to me. But I keep seeing recovered alkies in that "I want want you have" sort of way that keeps me willing to keep putting one foot in front of the other through this program and sort of operate on faith where I feel unsure.

I'm realizing that so many of my real life relationships exist more from a feeling of obligation than from a true sense of caring about many of these people. It's like there is a hole in my heart or something. Of course I used to blame other people for this but I am now sure that there is a problem within me that I must work on to feel "whole" and able to really care about other people. I'm not sure where the journey will lead and I'm sure it will involve some pain. But I want to feel like a whole person who is way more capable of caring about others than I do today. So the work begins. Not sure where that will leave me in viewing these friendships I currently feel ambivalent about. Time will tell I guess.

Well - enough babble for this morning. Had a good workout with Personal Torturer this morning and now Mr. D and I are off to a funeral - his uncle. This was not a real close relationship for Mr. D and we have only seen this uncle twice in 11 years. So it doesn't feel devastating - just something we need to do in support of the family.

Later all - Paula I hope you will hang in there and pull out every resource you have available to help you stay sober just for today.

DG

[LVT25]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Stay with us here, Paula. We will support you and lift you up!! :l

[Cinders]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Paula,

I am so sorry you are going through these horrible feelings. You need to shake them off, and I know you know that.

What's done is done. You and I have both done some incredibly stupid things because of drinking. We simply cannot let those things take over our lives. We must move on.

Do today ODAT, you know you can, and I will do it with you. Holding your hand here, across the pond.

btw, I start my Baclofen regimen today. I am pretty excited about it. I sure hope and pray this is not a drug I am allergic to!!

All, have a wonderful AF day. Let's count each and every AF day as a blessing.

Much love,
Cindi

[paula]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Thanks Cindi, and good luck with Bac. x

[Lavande]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Paula,

Hope you have been able to turn this day around into something positive for yourself.
We talked about some herbal supplements a while back, have you given them any more thought. I am not experiencing mood swings, I think the herbals really help a lot.

Hang in there, we're with you.
Lavande

[Marshy]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

Doggygirl;626083 wrote:
Anyway, this self discovery process is exhilerating at times and very frightening at times to me. I'm realizing that so many of my real life relationships exist more from a feeling of obligation than from a true sense of caring about many of these people. It's like there is a hole in my heart or something. Of course I used to blame other people for this but I am now sure that there is a problem within me that I must work on to feel "whole" and able to really care about other people.

DG, I think you've got a heart as big as a house. This addiction we have has screwed us all up in various different ways. Have you considered counselling of some sort? It might help you work through the scary stuff. I found it very useful to have someone make me step back and look at things differently. Amongst other things, I found it reassuring to find out I'm not as "bad" as I thought I was. I think it takes a while for us to heal from years of harming ourselves, and it's good to get help with that.

[paula]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

It's now the end of my day, I managed to keep sober, went to an aa meeting tonight. Feel better than I did earlier. Lavande I did get l glut, and kuzdu, I'm also taking campral.
Thanks everyone.

[Determinator]

AF Daily Tuesday 2 June

happy late night ABerooooos!

Loppy, I can completely relate to this frustration you spoke of: I couldn't go on and say "I feel ..... please help" but that I can be very honest after the event.

I battle the very same thing. It's like I am completely unbearably upset and ready to explode but somehow keep the news from my conscious brain. what the heck is that? it's been very hard but I've put a lot of effort into trying to pry into my thoughts/emotions/patterns in a painfully honest way. it's paying off I'm happy to say.... generally I'm able to steer my life now instead of being so reactive after letting myself get stressed out.

Paula, I've heard some folks have trouble getting it in the UK but pehaps it's worth looking into antabuse? Many of us (myself included) have used it to get over some rough humps in the road.

back home, yeah! it was only an overnighter but I was so busy it felt like a bloody week. when I got back to town I went straight to the gym before coming home! (pat on back).

last night I ate alone at a restaurant near the hotel that I haven't been to in at least 2 years. Just as I walked in I had a flood of powerful memories. the last time I was there I got totally wasted and those thoughts started to haunt me during dinner. I managed to convert that energy into joy of being AF and it worked. A table adjacent to me was filled with hard drinking guys that had obviously been there for a while. Their drunken conversation helped to confirm my healthy direction. I almost felt like thanking them (can you imagine how that might play out) ahahahaaa. oh well.

gnight all, catch you in the morning.