WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

[Preciouspinot]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

A flyby from me today as I am in the middle of packing. I move into a house we built next weeekend. Still AF and going to a meeting everyday!

[Sheepish]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

This is the most amazing thread- thank you all for your insights. Kayla- your post that began the thread really resonated with me. I have attended some AA meetings in the past and was always hung up on the dogma, rhetoric, secret handshake stuff. Now- maybe that is my convenient way of being able to immediately say 'ooof- not for me' as I have never been a joiner of clubs. (even when I was 6 I quit the Brownies- too cliquish, hated the outfit, boring...) Hmmm- fear of rejection anywhere in there Sheep? So I never could get past the initial 'annoyance' of being there. (although certainly there were moments of identifying with some speakers and some genuinely nice folks- I am not COMPLETELY cynical.. )

Although as I sit and read- and listen to such intelligent honest dialogue from all of you, I feel like THIS would be the AA meeting I would like to attend... As this thread is the embodiment of that adage- 'take would you like and leave the rest.'

Thank you all
-Sheep

[ready2change]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Hmm...lots of topics on this thread. Personally, I don't care what "label" I am, I just want to be free from the "bondage" of alcohol. Clearly I wouldn't even be here at this website for the past two years, almost daily if I didn't have a major problem with alcohol, no matter"what" I choose to call it.

Kayla, you commented on your quest to find out the "whys" of your obsessive drinking behaviour. I think it was Determinator who used to ponder that question as well, and if I'm not mistaken (correct me here Det if your out there), he said he finally just gave up obsessing over the "why's" and accepted that is just is and found some peace. I too read everything I can get my hands on to try to understand this affliction and I'm not sure why I read all this stuff, other than I seem to be fascinated with the research? Or perhaps thats just another obsession for me?? :-)

DG...I too used to "think" I was learning something from my lapses. Apparently not, or I wouldn't still be having them. I think, for me, I just have not yet found whatever it is going to take for me to learn how to say "NO" to my triggers. But I will NEVER give up, I will die trying.

I agree with Cindi, we all have different experiences getting sober, and it takes some of us longer than others. Not that it is easier for some, it is extremely difficult for each and every one of us, or else we wouldn't be here discussing this, but everyone appears to have different recovery times.

DG, I hope your Dad is doing as well as can be expected. Take good care of yourself at this stressful time. I think you have a procedure this month as well? My prayers and well wishes are heading your way.

Everyone, have a great day.

R2C

[Kayla]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Guess I must be one of the slow learners. Perhaps you're right DG and others - maybe the only real lesson in relapsing is that it dawns louder and louder that the problem is bigger and more serious than you thought. What I do notice is that each time I've lapsed I get back on track QUICKER - with more insight that I really need to accept that I am a person undeniably affected by addiction. Clearly, this isn't the same for everyone.

Apologies if I've taken the focus off pluses and oft-necessity of AA, or upset anyone with my views. I'm about to get back to the lunchtime meeting and acknowledge that I drank the day before yesterday. I do get it. This is serious stuff we're dealing with.
I'll stand back and listen for a while I think.

[Doggygirl]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Hello everyone. I'm sure I'm not the only one who really appreciates these honest discussions that are not all sunshine and roses. Life is not all sunshine and roses nor is getting sober nor is AA or MWO, etc. on and on. Kayla, please stop apologizing for bringing up what is on your mind. That's what this thread is for! By the same token, it's only fair that others will also potentially raise challenging responses. IMO that's all part of the dialog when it comes to topics at the heart of the subject of alcoholism.

I am running out the door but wanted to check in quick before the day gets into full gear! Have a good one everybody!

DG

[retteacher]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Everyone: I've been reading here but not always sharing. Life is offering many challenges (parents, children, g-children), but I'm sober, going to meetings, & reading here.

DG: Is your Dad OK? I didn't get the genesis of what happened.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[Preciouspinot]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Morning everyone! I went to a really great meeting this morning. The woman who spoke has 18 years sober. She is a really high achiever and I really identified with the whole "Wonderwoman Syndrome" where we think we can do it all. I too drank to escape emotions I have never felt comfortable asking for help or showing emotions. I always saw that behavior as being weak. I am now working on step 4 which will probably take me a while as I am packing and moving right now.

PS. Today is 60 days AF for me! I am patting myself on the back as I have not done that since I was pregnant.

[AAthlete]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

PP, congrats on your 60 days - that is a big achievement. Just another rainy Thursday around here today. I took my son to his swim lessons last night, and as I sat in the sun beside the pool, very relaxed, I had a flashback to a Disney vacation that we took.

My mom, sister & her family, any my wife and son were down at Disney and one night we were swimming in a pool. I was lit up like a Christmas Tree (no one new), and while trying to show off and do an underwater flip for Josh I hit the crown of my head on the bottom of the pool. For a second I couldn't move, and remember thinking: "I'm either going to drown or be paralyzed for the rest of my life, and everyone will know I am an alcoholic when they take me to the hospital.."

Luckily it was only a stinger and went away quickly - but even something like that wasn't enough to get me to stop (and I certainly didn't tell anyone about it). The Big Book tells us not to dwell on morbid reflection and I wasn't, but I was damn grateful for those couple of seconds last night when I could look back and see where I had come from.

Hope everybody has a great day.

[Cinders]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

PP - A huge congratulations and serious hugs to you. Thank you for sharing and sticking with us here. It is so awesome when someone is doing well and shares with us. You made my day.

AA - I met a man (sober now for 5 years) who said it took him many, many tries before he sobered up. He even woke up in the morgue once, with a toe tag on, because he was so drunk and weak from a binge they did not get vitals on him. Can you imagine? And no, it was not his bottom. He said he had to sink even lower than that. But today he is sober and life is good.

All, I have not been able to get to an AA meeting for a while. Many factors. I will go tonight. It helps me so much.

Hope all have a wonderful, sober day and get to go to bed grateful for it.

Love,
Cindi

ps Mary and DG, thinking of you and your family issues. You are both troopers and hanging in there.

pps Kayla, your posts are so important. Don't lurk, I loved the way this thread started and the wonderful thoughts from all here. It is nice to have others thoughts on some of the issues I deal with in AA. I love AA but like all, I do have my concerns with some of AA's tenets. That is okay and it is good.

[retteacher]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Everyone: I spent the entire AM & early PM on the phone w/nurses, hospice, nursing home, mom, etc. It was draining. I'm going to take a hot shower in a few minutes.

Cindi: Yikes, on the toe tag story! It's amazing what people come back from.

I heard at a meeting:
-I was willing to go to any lengths to recover.
-My fear & anxiety was driving my decisions.
Those 2 things really resonated w/me.

All: Never, ever give up trying. I will never let down my guard. I won't go back there, ever.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Hello again all!


:yougo::yougo:CONGRATULATIONS PRECIOUSPINOT on 60 DAYS SOBER!!:yougo::yougo:


That is an awesome achievement! I too am at Step 4 and this week with the "hurry up and wait" of helping Dad, I've done nothing. I need to get in the groove that Mary has suggested of doing 15 minutes a day no more or less, no matter what. Today would be a good day to start as the events of this week have certainly brought to light a number of things that need to be part of my step 4. Sounds like that was an awesome speaker this morning!

Mary thanks for asking about Dad. I don't have much news. They had hoped to put a stent in his leg on Wednesday, but something about the tests on Tuesday led them to not do that. The surgeon requested more tests and some therapy stuff for this week. Saving his leg is the ultimate goal. Assuming the tests and things go in a good way, I think there will be some sort of surgery in early July. This has been a stress point for me as my own surgery is July 9 so I'll have a 10 day window when I'm not available to drive - I'm the DD for this situation. For those of you familiar at all with Chicago, the mental image of my mother driving the Dan Ryan is just not pretty! Anyway...that part will all get worked out. I hope my Dad doesn't lose his leg. At least not yet. Diabetes sucks. I'm still not sure when I will get the call to go get them (U of Chicago is awesome - Mom is staying with Dad in his room). But I can't imagine they will keep him over the weekend. So probably late today or tomorrow.

Cinders - thanks for those hugs they are much appreciated!

AA - your story made me think of a work related cruise where I was so drunk the first night of the cruise that I tripped in the bathroom of my cabin and hit my head on the sink on the way down to the floor. I guess I'm lucky I didn't knock myself out or split my head open. But I had one hell of a shiner the duration of the trip. Of course I made up a BS story and I'm sure everyone there knew it was BS as plenty of people saw how drunk I was. PP going back to your post about high achiever's, this was the recognition for President's Club which was the highest sales award at the company. Go figure. AA - like you that should have been a wake up call but I had to sink a whole lot deeper than that to "get it."

I really love the 7AM meeting that I go to as my "favorite." Each meeting is different and for anyone lurking on this thread, if you haven't found a group of people that generally clicks somehow with you, keep trying different ones. I generally get something out of every meeting, but the core group of people at this particular meeting really speak to me.

A new person showed up today for her first ever AA meeting. I could really relate as she has fought her addiction for many years, and would get so far on her own and then relapse. Like me and so many of us here it seems, she had all kinds of negative notions about AA but finally decided that what she was doing wasn't working, and she walked through the doors of both AA and a rehab program voluntarily. The looks on people's faces are sure different when they are there for that reason v. court ordered. But the group gives a lot of supportive energy either way. It was cool to be a part of that. I hope she gets sober for good which is her goal, one way or the other. So many folks come and go but this one really touched me. I even started the phone number list today so I guess that means the brainwashing is nearly complete.

Two women that I have grown particularly fond of stayed after and we had more coffee and some awesome girl talk. I was able to vent some of my feelings about my Dad / brothers and talk about some resentments that have cropped up this week despite my best efforts. One of the women said this, which I wrote in my journal I think it's so true! (and funny at the same time):

"Resentments are like me drinking poison then waiting for someone else to die." Maybe you had to be there. But that one really hit home to me. Resentments ONLY hurt me. They hurt nobody else. So even if a resentment *could* be justified in some way, carrying it around is like *me* drinking the poison just the same as a resentment that I make up totally in my imagination. (predicting future events is my common mode for that one)

Another pearl of wisdom that helped me in a very practical way this week came out of Tuesday's 7AM meeting. One of the guys I always relate to based on how he described his brain / thought patterns said of resentments out of the imagination: "When I can tell my thinking is all fucked up, I need to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT." That sounds really simple and logical, but it's a mistake I've made too many times to count. I let my imagination spin out of control predicting future events and such, then I actually ACT on that stuff! That usually means I accuse somebody of something stupid, blame people for things they haven't done, get all righteous about imagined wrongs that never happened or never will, etc. My mind can be a freight train gone wild and I have envisioned this guy giving me those words of advice many times already! It's nice to be able to put a face with it if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I am off to figure out what to do with some turnips I just pulled out of the garden. Hope everyone is having a great day!

DG

[retteacher]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

DG: Many thanks for a great post. I loved your quote about resentments. I'm going to write it in my little book. Regarding resentments: My sponsor told me something he heard in a meeting. Write the name of a person you are resentful against at the top of a piece of paper. Underneath his/her name list all that person's character defects & shortcomings. When you've finished, go back to the top of the page & erase that person's name & put your own in its place. Make sense? It did to me. It reminds me of AA sharings about resentments. One guy said that he went to his sponsor about a resentment he had toward another person. He told his sponsor that he didn't think he had a part in the resentment. His sponsor said: "Think again. You always have a part!" Perhaps it is this kind of tough love that turns certain people off to AA. For me, I HAD to go to AA. I wasn't getting anywhere on my own.

Regarding our parents: You can only do what you can do. I'm finding that my mother has been able to resolve some issues herself w/the help of nurses & soc. workers. Yes, I'm involved...sometimes I'm overly-involved. However, all you can do is what you are now doing. You have your health issue to contend with. Dad's problem will work itself out somehow. I hope you don't think I'm sounding callous. I'm where you're at, but we can only do our best, then we have to let go & let God.

Good luck.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Mary, thank you so much for your wise words. And no, you do not sound callous. You sound realistic which is where I NEED to stay, but where I often don't. I am not super woman and need to stop trying to be and having a too big ego to even think I CAN be.

I love that suggestion about making the list, then changing the name at the top. I will remember that one.

DG

[Kayla]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Aaaaaw, alright then ... I must be having a 'saying sorry' week... I even apologized at the AA meeting y'day for all the knocks I level at the program - all the while blithely ignoring all the good aspects. Why the heck do we do that? I know I'm not alone on that; many of you have expressed similar things.

Yesterday was a bit of a turning point for me. I do feel beaten by this thing, and it helps to be able to check in here and connect, as well as have a chair at AA. Took my self back to the lunchtime meeting y'day where I've got to know a few people. I have never before drunk, then turned back up at a meeting within 2 days. That was a first. I haven't usually dared show my face till a few months have passed. There was no judgment, only more affirmations of support and help. I've said it before - but amidst all my issues with AA, I am continually blown out by the helping hands.

Also, that you can show up anywhere in the world, any town and have some common ground with the people in the room. There was a guy visiting from Sydney, 20 years sober, so that was an inspiration on so many levels.

I really do concede at this point to needing outside help. Uncanny but I keep picking up books that fall open at 'surrender' - has happened to me three times in the past fortnight. I also firmly believe there was some kind of flipping divine intervention happening when I went and bought that wine the other day. I went to the counter with my bottle - and as I tried to pay, the guy says to me 'we can't take any cards today, the whole complex is out of power, due to a fire in the launderette'. I had yet another chance to stop, think, call someone ... a delay. But what did I do? Drive away, go and take cash out from a machine in town, drive back and retrieve my bottle. Sheer desperation stations. Social drinkers probably would have just gone home. I got told y'day at the meeting that the phone is the master tool in AA. I've never used it but I am gradually collecting a cache of numbers. And the books and the 'can't-take-your-card' has reinforced the HP for me this week. The guy from Sydney described it as the healing power in 'the rooms' (aka God/HP/Universe/etc).

Seems like many of us are going through the aging, ill parent's hosp/care home thing. Sending prayers your way Mary and DG. My mum has been in the disability home 2 weeks now (w/advanced MS), and is having a hard time adjusting. She has lived in a tiny flat for 37 years, alone. Now she's in a big old Victorian building (in London) with daunting corridors and no chihuahua by her side. She's had a tragic life, full of loss. Very hard to be the other side of the world knowing she is so alone. But my life and my family and my husband's job are here in Australia. That's just the way it is and I have to accept that.

Another first, re: being open about all this. My step-daughter turned up at 4.30pm y'day, with my two little grandsons - 1 yr, and 4yrs (Plus I have two kids of my own - 7 and 10). So it was a full and happy household and it really lifted my mood. I finally opened up to my step-daughter that I was going to AA now, and using MWO - showed her some of the literature - and affirmed to her that I was officially in recovery, and needed to acknowledge that I intend to stay there. She's known there's a been a problem for years but I've always kept it under wraps. This feels so freeing. And she told me that my son-in law's new boss has been in recovery for 15 years (and a regular AAer). Well there you go. Not alone. Not by a long shot.

All this honesty is part of getting all those back-door escape routes fully shut.
Enjoying reading, sharing and listening.
Good luck with those steps.
Be well, and sober everyone.
And brilliant job PP. Way to go x

[Winefree]

WEEKLY AA THREAD - Week of June 15 - June 21st

Congratulations PP. Good for you. Thanks DG, Mary, Kayla et all.
Like the resentment statement too. Interesting tool.

Winefree