Forever Feels So BIG! (ODAT, I know...)

[scrubbly]

I know that we can only do this AF thing one day at a time, heck we only have one moment at a time really, each moment that we make that choice not to drink.

But there is more to it than just the current moment/ODAT, isn't there?

There is planning ahead, to make sure that we are not caught flat-footed, without an alternative beverage, without an escape route from a situation that makes us want to drink, or an emotional outlet when situations feel unmanageable and a trigger is giving us the itch to give in to AL and have "just ONE"....

And then there are other ways that I think our lives have to change in a proactive, "ahead of just today" ways if this is going to stick. Don't we have to make some commitments to the people we socialize with that we do not drink? Don't we owe it to our loved ones to let them know about our struggle, to share our success, our commitment to sobriety? Doesn't it make it easier for ourselves if people just quit asking us if we want a drink (of the AL variety)?

I am thinking of myself more and more of just a non-drinker, getting the idea implanted in my head. So when I think of these things, and laying the kind of groundwork as I've described it above, I start to feel overwhelmed. Not about the many many days ahead that I think will be so hard to say NO to AL necessarily, but just the enormity of the change I am making, I guess, and the FINALITY or something of the commitment that I'm making, and that if I put it out there to all these points, it is going to be real, and there will sort of be no going back? Even though I will not miss so many things about AL and his empty promises, the loss of dignity, the damage to my health, the legal problems, the sucking away of time, money, quality of life....

I know, it sounds weird, but maybe I'm already grieving or something? Even at this early stage??

I feel like I need to have a funeral for AL. How bizarre is this????

Referrals to qualified therapists WELCOME.

[DeeBee]

Forever Feels So BIG! (ODAT, I know...)

Not bizaare at all!
Many people have posted about how they have said goodbye to their ole friend AL -- I think it's a healthy way to cut ties and begin new habits.
I agree, we only have today and that to a certain extent we need to plan for tomorrow but there is a fine line in getting that right.
You might be interested in reading a book by Eckhart Toille "The Power of Now" to help you learn how to enjoy the moment again.

[Marshy]

Forever Feels So BIG! (ODAT, I know...)

Hi scrubbly,

That "grieving" process does happen to some people apparently (so my therapist said!). It didn't happen to me, I suppose because I was so desperate to get rid of alcohol from my life - there was nothing to "miss" any more, just an addiction to fight. You/I/we have had an intense relationship with alcohol for many years and it takes significant adjustment when the relationship ends - just as it does with human relationships, even if they were bad for us. You're still going to think about that relationship for some time, still think "oh that person/bottle isn't here" when you get home at night because you're so used to them being there.

As for the planning thing: I found that changes over time as it becomes more "normal" to ask for an AF drink at social events. The same goes for other people's reactions - the more they see you not drinking, the more normal it becomes. I sometimes got a bit anxious before social events and would have to say "you're drinking lemonade, you're drinking lemonade" over and over to myself as some sort of mantra. Now sometimes I don't even think of it, or it's more of a fleeting "you're not drinking" as an affirmation if I know that it's going to be a boozy event. And I still have an emergency supply of Antabuse for Grade A boozy madness events!

I've told the people close to me that I've stopped drinking. But I haven't said "forever". People have asked whether it's forever, and I've honestly said I don't know. I'd LIKE it to be forever, but 1. That's too far ahead for me to contemplate, 2. I can't predict the future. I have no idea if I'll fall flat on my face at some point.

Sooo, I suppose I'd say things change. I think it gets easier, less significant as your AF time grows. It gets BETTER.

[Doggygirl]

Forever Feels So BIG! (ODAT, I know...)

Hi scrubbly. You raise what I think are very good points! I thing there is a spectrum where at one end is one day (or moment) at a time and nothing more, and at the other end is "I must quit forever!" I think most of us fall somewhere in between. For myself I think I started out a little further towards the "forever" thinking than average. My own mind is a tricky place and strictly "ODAT" DID mean I would drink tomorrow. Or what the heck - if I'm going to drink tomorrow anyway, why not drink today? I personally had to focus on a bigger picture to even get started. But that's just me and this journey is certainly an individual one, balanced with the benefit of good ideas from others ahead of us on the path.

The less I wanted to tell others about my addiction and my desire and need to quit, the more I realized I was just kidding myself. Booze was ruining my life and I had to be brutally honest with myself, and as appropriate my closest loved ones (Mr. Doggy in particular) in order to get on the sober train.

Even after a year sober I still need to plan ahead for social events. I don't go to that many, so still lack tons of practice where it's second nature to be there and be sober. Even for the firmest of ODATers, I am guessing that most folks at minimum probably plan ahead for what to do at social events.

In the mean time, as Dee Bee suggested I am learning to enjoy the "now" in life and worry far less about the past in general and the future in general. For me, thinking ahead in too much detail and setting up expectations for everyone around me, and how everything was supposed to end up (and then of course being disappointed when I couldn't control everything around me) was a big contributor to my drinking. So living in the now keeps me out of that loop!

Best of strength to you. Just do it. AL really is insidious when you consider how much of our mental and physical energy he saps. Not to mention $$.

DG

[free bird]

Forever Feels So BIG! (ODAT, I know...)

Scrubbly, et al

great post and on the forefront of my mind lately. You put this feeling in words so well. There does seem to be a lot of confusion as to when it is truly final and who is privilaged to that information and admission. I would love to feel like a non drinker and not someone trying to quit!!

AL never was my friend and never will be and I would only like to throw it in the lake with a rock tied to it's ....(whatever) ..... doesn't have any balls. Just a sneaky little Pr....That would be my perfect good bye.

When I first started this journey (1-1/2 year ago), I knew I needed to cut down, but deep down my desire to quit (forever) was huge, but forever seemed impossible. Now it doesn't seem so daunting, but realistic and doable. I just need to see it as attainable for me, not just everyone else. I can do this if I truly want to. I also realize that I drink to get a buzz, not just for the taste. And chasing that buzz is a race I cannot win. I've reached a point where where I don't even care or like the buzz that much any more; it's just not any fun. Boo Hoo. So I am acting like a child and will take my toys and go play at home or somewhere in my mind that is booze free. Seriously, what is the point for me to have just one???? Who would I be kidding??

I am also feeling like I do have more control over this and being tested and coming out the other end has really helped in that. That feeling of empowerment is a good GOOD thing. I really want this confusion to end though and would love to feel like a non-drinker. I mean really have no mind battles to contend with, just simply: "I do not drink and don't care for the way it makes me feel anymore". That is my new mantra.

I love the "NOW" life.

GO

[scrubbly]

Forever Feels So BIG! (ODAT, I know...)

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

Deebs, as usual you have given good guidance on outside reading. I swear woman, you need to work at a library!!! I went online to my local library site to get a copy, they are all checked out, but found a companion workbook that looked interesting, the synopsis says that there are specific meditations and other "workable" exercises in this title by the same author..."Practicing the power of now : essential teachings, meditations, and exercises from the power of now" So I put in a request for that one and will see what it is about. Thanks for the recommendation.

Free bird, I like the way you think. You are so right, I have only ever chased the buzz, so "modding" is not really what I'm after anyway. Social drinkers in my opinion enjoy the taste of their drinks. I never really did. I "acquired" a taste for red wine, but everything else under the sun was just a means to an end and I never really liked the taste of any of it, I just endured it to get to the high. I'm going to risk copyright infringement right now and steal your mantra. HA HA!!

DG - although I'm not interested in shouting from the rooftops that I'm an alcoholic, I do not mind shouting from the rooftops that I just don't drink. I was at a conference about a week ago, and was in a session on illegal drug use and what to look for (a session for social workers) and the cop who was facilitating the session asked for a show of hands of people who drink in the room, and I didn't raise my hand. The woman next to me and me (who by the way were about the only people over 30 in the room too) were about the only people I could see who were NOT raising their hands, and I didn't mind a bit, and we just gave each other these little knowing grins, like, "hey, they will find out someday that there is another way out there, besides just partying because everyone else does." It felt good too...at first I wondered if I was some kind of poser or cheater, since I had only been AF for about 3 weeks, but then I thought, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO BE AF BEFORE I 'GET' TO CALL MYSELF A NON-DRINKER? AND WHO GETS TO DECIDE?

I've decided. I am, the decision-maker is me, and this is who I am. Approaching it this way is the only way that makes sense to me today.

ODAT is about what I can control, not about who I am or how I plan.