It's a new week in a new month. Hope everyone had a good 4th of July!
I had a calming weekend which returned me to a good headspace and ready to tackle some not so fun items on the to-do list.
I popped into the daily recovery readings this morning where the first one just hit me:
When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This "evil and corroding thread" is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of other's opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of A.A. in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking.
The reason it spoke to me is that I felt a very strong fear of drinking last week. It started with a work do on Wednesday night where the bottles were aplenty. I didn't want to drink but the sight of AL filled me with a fear I can't explain. As though the AL might evaporate and I'd be forced to inhale it. I was afraid I'd be seduced into wanting it later. I was reminded of DG's description of the 'irrational' fear of relapse that led her to join AA. This felt completely irrational as well. I've since been puzzling over what it signifies. I think the answer is fear of changes I'm already making and ones yet to come, ones I would have earlier used the AL crutch to cope with. It was a wobble and it's now passed, thankfully.
Sending strength to Sausage, Loppy, DG and all others dealing with physical or mental challenges this week.
Take care.
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