Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone: I hope all is well. I just called my sponsor, & he instructed me to keep a journal for the 10th step. At the end of each day, he wants me to write a paragraph stating the main events of the day. I can see from that if there are any amends I might need to make. Of course, I'll do as he instructs...so far, he has led me in the right direction. I couldn't be more grateful for all the help he's given me.

Ever since my amends to my husband, I've been vigilant about honesty & fear. I daily ask HP to keep me rigorously honest & free of fear. It seems to be working out. I can see now that fear was the bedrock on which I drank. Dishonesty was the outcome of my drinking. There was no way that I wanted anyone to know the extent of my drinking. That alone fueled even more drinking. It was so liberating to admit all that to the people I love. I guess I'm still on a high from doing the 9th step.

I know about the "pink cloud" that AA's talk about which occurs during early sobriety. I know I'm on it, but I'm aware that something could throw me off. For one thing, my husb has a surgical procedure coming up that I'm somewhat nervous about. After that, I'm going to visit my parents & have a lot of responsibilities there to handle. I know I can do it sober. In fact, I can do it better sober.

Take care one & all. I'm going to an Alanon meeting tonight. It's a step meeting, & while it's Alanon, the steps are the same.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Phil: I just read the end of last week's thread. I loved the quote from the book you ordered from Hazelton. I'm going to write it in my little notebook of gems that I keep.

Cindi: It was so good to see you on last week's thread. I'm leading the Thurs. night step meeting, & it's on step 3. I was thinking the same sort of idea that you alluded to. My will got me into on & off drinking for years & years. Just when I thought I had the problem "licked", I start up again w/a vengeance.

I'm starting to understand that there is a readiness factor for stopping drinking. I had to be ready to accept the fact that:
a. my will wasn't getting me anywhere
b. I had to trust my HP & sponsor & do what I was told...period, end of story.

Am I out of the woods? No! I know that at any time, I can take my will back & think I can have control over my drinking. I have to admit powerlessness on a daily basis in order to combat the very idea that I can manage my drinking.

Thank you all for coming here & contributing to this thread. It means a lot to me. When I don't come to it for a day or 2, I really miss it.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Bump

[AAthlete]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Mary, funny that you mention taking your will back, as that is exactly what my sponsor did last week. Granted I don't talk to him everyday, but he slowly stopped going to meetings, calling people, working with others, and finally decided he could handle it. Three drunken days and a trip to the ER proved he couldn't and now he is back in AA with his proverbial tail between his legs. Amazing that after 2.5 years it could happen that quickly...

All of us really are wired differently though - and I think I've finally come to understand that. I have to fully admit that I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks due to business travel and having family in town. I'll go again this week (and continue to do so), but it is not something that I feel I need to do everyday nor have I ever felt in danger from doing so.

I don't know - maybe it is just a natural ebb and flow. I've gone through some minor family issues lately and have dealt with them with openness, honesty and communication (like the BB teaches us). I still pray (although not as much as I probably should) and try to thank my HP for the good things that I notice. I just haven't been going to meetings or reaching out to other alcoholics...

Maybe it is just like everything else in life - balance is the key. I feel like there is balance right now, yet if you listen to the AA message I am not doing it correctly. There is part of me that feels that I beat a chewing tobacco addiction, I beat cigars, and never started either one again. I know I've got an addictive personality but I am also stubborn! I know enough not to get complacent, but at the same time feel like I need to justify something to myself... Sorry for the rambling - guess I am just trying to sort out a few feelings right now.

[Cinders]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

AA,

Something we discuss in our AA meetings is when a sponsor or a close friend in AA slips. How to deal with that. It can shake us to our core.

Like you, I simply cannot make all the AA meetings I would like to go to. Work, family, travel. Yet I know how important getting to the meetings is. Every single time I go, I get some good out of it. Especially since I am still very early in my sobriety.

It is good that you are thinking about this, AA, and thank you for sharing. It is making me think about how to make my balance work.

I know that my sobriety must come first and I, too, must figure out the balance that enables me to keep that first while maintaining a good family and work life, too.

It is not easy. If something has to give, it simply cannot be my sobriety.

Cindi

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

AAth: I heard the story of your sponsor over & over again at meetings...that downhill slide. I'm sure he learned something from it.

Cindi: I go to a lot of meetings but have never have done 90/90. It's just not possible for me. I do the best I can. In between, I try to read the lit & call my spons.

Take care one & all.


Mary

[Winefree]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

I too keep hearing about those that go out and then come back. The common theme is they all think they can handle just one or two, but it doesn't last long at that rate and soon they all go back to the previous level of drinking or worse. That is what I need to hear, since when I first started I couldn't understand why I couldn't eventually have one or two......now I hear more and more reasons why one or two will NEVER be enough and I can say for myself I don't think it's worth going there ever. For what reason? To start this road all over again?

I'm getting more and more convinced that it just isn't worth it and life is so much better right now, why wreck a good thing?

Winefree

[Popeye]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Hello again.
I was wondering what the role of a sponsor is. I was under the impression that they were to help and advise and to be your first point of contact should you get into trouble, drinkwise. Christine posted on another thread that she had been drinking and didn't tell her sponsor, but she was found out after being seen buying wine. I've heard a few other stories here where someone has been drinking and not told their sponsor and they have reacted by withdrawing their sponsorship. This to me seems a very judgmental and harsh reaction, considering the nature of the demon we are fighting. Surely a better response would be to encourage the drinker even more to get back on the wagon. We all know the lengths that we go to to get our drink and then sometimes to hide the fact. I feel that by taking this stance, the sponsor may cause even more embarrassment and shame and cause the person to stop attending, thereby cutting themselves off from a valuable source of help.
Just my thoughts.

On my own situation:
I'm doing very well. I'm finding more and more that there is most definately life after drink. I have a work's night out at the end of the month and a birthday party a couple of weeks later. I don't really like changes to my routine and have become what some of my acquaintances have called "a boring bastard." I find this both amusing and pleasing. I find sober living anything but boring, and I intend to keep it up. I was never one for company and I do tend to keep myself to myself but I thought it would be nice to get out of the house and enjoy some company. Staying off the drink won't be a problem. I know that if I was ever to drink. it would be alone and in secret. I'm just not interested in it right now, but I do know the dangers of complacency. I'm much more interested in providing a good example to my son and daughter. I should have been that example years ago, but I failed them in that respect and I wish to make amends.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Hello all! Mary, thank you for starting a new thread for the week even though I'm frightfully late getting here!

I find the sponsor discussion interesting. I don't feel qualified to assess whether the sponsor in the example given is being overly judgemental as I haven't heard that person's side of it, and it's not my place to judge someone else's sponsor/sponsee relationship anyway. I can only comment on my own personal experience and opinions I've developed from what I've listened to directly around the tables, along with info from the Big Book.

My sponsor is not responsible for my sobriety - I am. My understanding of the sponsor's role is to teach me the program of alcoholics anonymous which is the 12 steps and 12 traditions. The entire AA program is based on a foundation of rigorous honestly. It says right in the preamble that the only people who cannot success with the program are those that cannot or will not be honest. So....if I were to make a habit of lying to my sponsor, especially about something as core to the program as drinking, what can that sponsor possibly do to help me stop drinking?? Maybe some people can be coddled into sobriety, but I don't think that's what the AA program is about.

I would not expect my step coach (closest thing I have to a sponsor right now) to continue spending so much time with me if I was drinking and lying about it. Lots of people relapse many times over - I suspect that's not the issue. I suspect the lying is the issue.

My drinking career was characterized by lie after lie of all types. Outright lies. Lies of ommission. Big lies. White lies. Pretending to be something I wasn't. I expected everyone to tolerate my lies. Actually, I thought I was so clever nobody would even know I was lying.

Bottom line is that I cannot expect to "get" the AA program if I continue in that mode. So if I were to continue lying, why SHOULD someone spend a significant amount of their time trying to help me when (at least in the AA club where I go) there are always more people looking for good sponsors than there are good sponsors available for people?

The Big Book also speaks clearly on the subject of helping others, and making sure to help those who want to be helped rather than trying to help those who aren't ready yet.

My own first sponsor explained in detail how she first came into the AA program and kept drinking and lying about it. Needless to say, this approach didn't work. Her first sponsor "fired" her for it. My first sponsor said she resented being "fired" back when, but that she completely understands now why that was the right decision. She wasn't ready to get sober yet and no amount of time from her sponsor was going to change that fact or help until she was willing to be honest.

At any rate, that all might sound harsh but it's my opinion developed from listening to those with way more sobriety than I've managed to put together. Everyone is not obligated to put up with a bunch of crap from me just because I am an addict. I need to get over myself in order to get on with a useful and productive life.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

My take on sponsorship:

When I first got into program, I got a sponsor & asked to be taken through the steps. I knew this person from Alanon. I did drink in the beginning & admitted it. He didn't fire me, but I suspect would have if I had kept it up. I would not have been able to work the steps while drinking intermittently. There would have been no point in having me as a sponsee if I continued to drink & not work the program. It might even have jeopardized my sponsor's sobriety.

My take on relapsing:

It happens to even long-term AA members. I'm sober for today. I won't be going to a meeting today, but I know I will tomorrow. I'll do whatever it takes to stay sober, but there are no guarantees. I think I have a good chance of staying sober if I work the steps & go to meetings. As far as the delusion of having 1 or 2: I'll always fight against that idea. It's what caused all that relapsing I did prior to AA. I can't drink. I'm powerless over AL once I take that first one.

My take on honesty:

I too lied, lied, lied about my drinking. It became a way of life. My husband is still kind of stunned about the deception. Now that it's out in the open, I can see just how destructive it was to me. I'm vigilant now against even the slightest lie, fib, or over-exaggeration. Rigorous honesty isn't so easy even sober.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Great thread again y'all. Mary wrote "Rigorous honesty isn't so easy even sober". Man, that is a tough one for me. But speaking of honesty...in my Monday 630am meeting the topic was the physical effects of alcohol. We had a new 30 day AA relapse and was sent to the hospital with "wet brain"..YIKES. Thus the choice of topic. An AA with 24 years of sobriety made the statement that "no one sitting around this table can say they will not die due to alcohol." That was a little harsh I first thought, but later though it really honest. His point as I took it was, all we can control/guarantee is TODAY. If I am going to be rigorously honest...I must agree.

Love and Peace,
Phil

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Gosh, when I think about what the drinking did to this 64 year old body, I just cringe. I did go through a thorough physical when I was at the height of my drinking & had liver function tests. Thank God it was OK. I doubt my liver would continue to be OK if I hadn't stopped.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Everyone: I ended up at a meeting after all last night. I didn't feel I "needed" one but did want to go. The meeting was on step 10...continuing to make amends. I got that AA is about keeping our side of the street clean...not having anything (guilt, resentment, shame, etc.) taking up space in our heads. That certainly makes sense in terms of staying sober. I'll check back later.

Mary

[gyco]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

hi teach,you always inspire me,its always been there for you,just had to make the rt decisions, ask the sponsor gykes

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Aug. 17 - 23

Hi all! Good discussion as usual. Phil, I receieved the "Undrunk" book and am looking forward to reading it! Also, your post on the theme of "rigorous honesty" got me thinking about the various forms of rigorous honesty. The first form I always think of is me being honest with others, and then me being honest with myself. But your post made me realize there is another important form - accepting rigorous honesty coming from others. Probably the most difficult form is when a fair and honest criticism is given to me. My life can only improve if I learn to accept rigorous honesty from others, especially where it is true and appropriately given.

A good example was my step coach giving me feedback about a resentment. I was talking to him recently about the difficulty I was having letting go of my resentment towards my brother who only visits once a year and how that is "unfair" as he's not here to help with matters surrounding my Dad. My sponsor looked me straight in the eye and told me a truth I hadn't really faced up to yet. He said "often our resentments are like looking in the mirror. You have to ask what you have done that is like what you think he has done. You were not there for your family when you were drinking." Very matter of fact. Very true. For once in my life I just kept quiet and let the truth sink in rather than try to defend my behavior or somehow re-direct the focus of the conversation.

Funny - having accepted the truth of the situation, and continuing to do what the BB says to deal with resentments, it's finally going away.

Rigorous honesty is indeed a tough but important part of the AA program. I need to remember that the "softer, gentler way" of excusing any and all behavior that I chose to indulge in - from drinking to selfishness to treating others badly - could have killed me. Not so soft and gentle after all.

DG