Sober sex

[Kimberley]

Hope that got your attention. I'm looking for advice from you ab-ers.

Ok there are a LOT of things I have never done sober as I spent a lot of the last ten years mostly drunk.

How do you do learn to do things sober that you have never done sober before?

Hence the sex headline - though I have had sex sober plenty of times before, I have never done it sober with a new partner. I have always had at least a few drinks the first time I have been intimate with someone new. (Stop sniggering at the back!)

I am looking at aiming for lifetime abstinence, have broken up with my bf and am ready to start looking for someone new. (Please no AA stuff about 'no relationships' - sober time is not new to me)

But I can't imagine having sex for the first time sober- I know I'll be alright after 'the ice is broken', but it's doing it the first time.

I'll stop going on about sex now -this applies to other experiences too. There are other things I have never done stone-cold sober, but wish to do again. Like dancing - I don't have to be trollied to do it, but I've always needed at least one beer to relax enough to get up on the dancefloor.

How do you put your self-consciousness aside without using al? Any experiences and lessons gratefully received!

[AAthlete]

Sober sex

Kimberly, what I've learned is to take everything one day at time. I don't know what I don't know, so to speak, so spending a lot of time worrying about what might be is pointless to me. That used to be a hard concept for me to grasp, and I was always scared to try something new for fear of failing or doing it poorly (a big reason why I drank - unrealistic expectations of myself).

I guess my advice is be willing to talk about what you are feeling and just jump in. Going into sex (or anything else) with preconceived notions only sets you up for trouble. But what if you were to talk about it with your partner ahead of time - tell them you were a little scared? I've learned that it's okay to be frightened, but you can't let that rule your life or you'll spend all you time wondering 'what if..."

[Guitarista]

Sober sex

Hi Kimberley,
I think you've just got to trust yourself. Know the difference between not being comfortable for a reason, and not being comfortable for absolutely no reason. I suspect a worthy partner will help you feel comfortable, and not try to rush you, and talking about it, being honest in how you feel, any hesitations you might have. It'll be happening naturally, and for all the right reasons, (well, most of em!) before you know it. I find also, that the more af time i get under my belt, the more relaxed, and natural i am. Even on the dancefloor! Ah, what a groover i am..........;-)
Enjoy your af life, relax, and best wishes!

[Determinator]

Sober sex

hi Kimberly, and kudos on looking to an AF lifestyle. everything is better, especially sex!

now, when you find yourself with a partner that you have love for, and you become intimate for the first time.....nature is going to take over and the most wonderful natural 'feel good' drugs ever made (endorphins) are going to pick you up in a cloud of happiness and sweep you away to Nirvana.


scene fades to black. (to maintain PG rating)

[IAD]

Sober sex

Det......Wow is that how it is !?! Ha! I've been sober for awhile. I have yet to find Nirvana ! ha! Nirvana on of the Muslim scene !?! ha! ( Muslim swim ware.....Ha! ) IAD

[Guest]

Sober sex

Kudos to you for confronting and addressing and trying to work through a set of issues that scared/scares the bejeezzeebus out of many of us.

I don't have the answers.

I do know alcohol has often been referred to as courage. There is a reason for that.

But I also know that, alcohol aided or not, I had it within me to do all those whacky fun things like dance and talk to others. So, it's in there.

So it's a bit of gumption. And I'll encourage you to try some alcohol-free courage. Or a hall pass to whatever you'd like to do but think you need alcohol to cross the bridge to doing it.

It ain't easy. But, it's better.

[golfpro]

Sober sex

Kimberley

I can totally relate to your post. That is one of the biggest things that scares me about not ever drinking again. Every girlfriend and my soon to be ex-wife I met was where alcohol was involved. I don't think I ever had sex for the first time without drinking either. Now I am single again I don't even now how to meet women without going to a bar. I don't see myself as the type that picks up women at the grocery store. I have always needed a few drinks to take away those inhibitions. I could never see myself dancing without alcohol, not that anyone wants to see that because it's not pretty. Not that this was help, but I think there are probably a lot of us feeling the same as you.

[peacenik]

Sober sex

seems alot of men responded in this thread!

my 2 cents is to look at it as an adventure...it's like you are a teenager again and you can learn as you go. i think it is endearing when people are vulnerable and i think if you feel emotionally safe with the person/people you choose to have sex with, they will adore that quality in you as well. soon you will be a pro! (not literally of course!)

:H

[Doggygirl]

Sober sex

Kimberly, this is a good topic you raise and one we should probably all be more open about discussing.

Sex is one of the many things I was overly impulsive about when I was drinking. (and single!) I might have been more "comfortable" engaging, but there is always a flip side, and mine was making some bad decisions in the Al Glow that I often regretted. The trade off today is that I don't experience as many impetuous "thrills" but I rarely have a regret based on the things I choose to do / not do. So for me, the trade off has been more than worth it.

Since God made sex before beer (I think so anyway) I'm guessing things will work out naturally and fine without booze when the time and situation is right. Best wishes. Us old married people will want to hear all the gory details.

DG

[Gold]

Sober sex

They don't call them beer goggles for nothing :H

[hulagirl]

Sober sex

Hey Kimberly, My experiences were similar to yours. Lots of drunken sex. Lots of regrets. Especially looking back on those years. So I can't speak from experience about being single, available and flirtatous and sober. But in a romantic love sense I wonder if a sober lifestyle would have allowed true love and intimacy to grow and blossom. I got wasted on the first date with my husband, continued through 20 years of marriage. Then I sobered up and wondered how I was going to love him and make love with him. All is good.

[Kimberley]

Sober sex

Hey hey, who said about being a pro after a few sober sessions- I already am a pro in the sober sessions!...after the initial encounter.

It's just I can't envisage the initial encounter al-free. I have never ever done it.

And why are you all focussing on the sex? I think only one person mentioned the dancing thing! And I am ok on the dancefloor, but I don't know if I could get up the courage without my 1 beer. How silly- one small bottle beer between me dancing and not! It doesn't even make that much difference- guess it's psychological.

[peacenik]

Sober sex

well, the heading of your thread is "sober sex"!!!

:H

[Guitarista]

Sober sex

And we expect the goss on your wild weekend too, Kimberley!

[Kimberley]

Sober sex

Hahaha - yeah I guess I let myself in for that.