AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

[SAUSAGE]

Hi all

Have been struggling a bit lately - after nearly 9 months AF I blew i t by having a few drinks whilst away on holiday. I'm determined to get back to where I was - didn't like where I was going although I never had more than a couple of drinks a night. I know I can't moderate, although after long periods AF -( and this was the longest) I always convince myself I can, every time. I'm scared and need all your support

Don't like the way I'm starting to fee, physcially and mentally
Don't like the way AL is creeping up on me and my levels of drinking are slowly rising
Don't like the internal battle in my head - AL is starting to occupy my mind and I hate all those internal arguments over whether I can justify a drink or not - it's just not worth it.
I'm even writing this at 4am here after going on the computer after 2hrs awake because i'm starting to wake in the early hours again once more.....I have to stop.

Am back to Day 1, but am determined

Will drop by later

Sausage xx

Day 1

[Wally22]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Hey Sausage
I am in the same boat. I am just over 30 days, but I get 2 or 3 months and then I try to "mod". Stoopid idea. I can't moderate. In no time at all, I'm back at square one.
Nine months is pretty awesome, you give yourself a big pat on the back for that. You'll be back there again.

[hulagirl]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Welcome back Sausage. Good to see you here too Wally. I hate quitting so much that I try to remember that so I won't start drinking again. It really takes me months to stop thinking about it and end those discussions in my brain EVERYTIME I go grocery shopping. Why am I even noticing the price of wine on sale?
Anyway, enjoy your Sunday everyone. I'll especially enjoy it because Monday is a holiday! Even though I need to go into work for a few hours this week-end to get organized for my unit on rocks and minerals I do enjoy "puttering" around my lab. Having one more day off gives me time to do everything else I want to do.
Aloha

[Marshy]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Hello all,

I'm fortunate in that I know I can't mod. I either don't drink at all or I drink everything in sight until I pass out. There's no middle ground for me. So, I've never understood the attraction of a couple of glasses of wine with a meal or whatever. A couple of bottles of wine or more, yes. Glasses, no.

So, given that I don't get it, tell me what is the attraction?
1. Why is it so important to have two drinks with a meal?
2. Why is it so important when you know what it will lead to?

I know there's a wide spectrum of different "types" of drinkers here. I understand the desire to start drinking at breakfast and carry on until you fall over, and then do it all over again the next day. I just don't "get" the glass of wine with a meal at all. I just really don't understand the attraction of "trying to mod". Enlighten me, please!

Sausage - stick around this time!

Mstall - congrats on your 30 days AF!

[Zeppie2]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Sausage - well done on your 9 months AF -

I feel like Marshy, in that I know I can't moderate, I did months AF then tried to Mod and also went back to square one with my drinking again.

Although I haven't hit 30 days again yet, I have a new mindset this time and have been lucky enough to say no to even one drink. I work in a bar and was asked to try a sip of cider last night and I said no thanks.

I still get cravings for a beer when people around me are having a drink after a hot day or a hard days work, but I can not just have one or two like those other people, hell I'd get into a tizzy when I only had 10 large cans of beer left in the fridge.

There are a lot here who can successfully moderate after a stint of sobriety. I guess you have to figure out what is right for you.
Good luck

[greeneyes]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

mORNING ABBERS!!

Oops caps lock. I could have sworn I'd be the only one up.

Sausage, wally, hula & zeppie....... that nails what I've been thinking about modding. I've not been thinking about DOING it, just thinking about it in general. I've been trying to understand the concept of it since forever ago. I can't. I can't understand because I'm not on that planet. I was a drinker like marshy describes.

Sausage that's great the way you laid it out like that. Time to get down to business!! :b&d:

I didn't get to the chainsaw yesterday. I got nays from people regarding a ladder and chainsaw. If it had a silencer on it I might could have snuck up there. :H

I'm going to catch the sunrise and then I'm thinking the zoo this AM since I'm wandering around so early.

HAve a lovely day everyone.

I still need to know what a barge vacation is.

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Good morning all! Sausage it's good to have you back and thank you for kicking us off today. Very ,very good topic this "thoughts of modding" thing that we all seem to fantasize about at one time or another. At least it's fantasy land for me.

Marshy, I drank exactly as you describe for years.

1. Start as early in the day as possible and jones until I could - booze instead of breakfast worked for me.
2. Drink until I can't function any more and pass out.
3. Repeat. (sometimes in the same day)

Funny thing is that if Mr. Doggy is typical of a normie, he spends ZERO time actually thinking about drinking at all other than making a choice to have A beer or not when offered one in the type of scenario that Zeppie described. Sometimes he will have one, and more often he will take a pass. And he doesn't think about it beyond that.

The very fact that we think and ponder and obsess about one drink or 100 drinks or moderating our drinking or wondering where we went wrong and if we can turn back the clock and just have some wine with dinner etc. etc. ad nauseum says it all.

I've never had just one drink, EVER than I can think of. Even in the beginning. Never. What on earth would lead me to believe I can have "one drink" now?

It took me a long time to truly accept that I am an alcoholic and cannot drink at all without having huge, huge problems. But once I finally DID accept that fact, life got a little easier.

Good to see you Wally. Hula, I'm with you that I don't want to go through the initial quitting part ever again. Greenie, I'm glad you decided against the chain saw / ladder combo! :H Double :H:H over a silencer for your chain saw! The zoo sounds fun.

I'm making one last batch of dill pickles today and then canning is officially over for me. I still have some preserving to do but it won't involve any stinkin' jars! I've had enough of those for this season. I need to figure out what to do with my 2 beautiful pumpkins. They are fine hanging on the fence for now but the vines are dying so will need to figure out how to turn them from big round hard objects into the stuff that you put into pumpkin bread. A new adventure. Greenie's chain saw would probably come in handy.

Have a good day everyone. Sober living really does rock rather than obsessing over booze or drinking too much booze. It's worth the effort to figure it out.

DG

[greeneyes]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Doggygirl;709456 wrote: how to turn them from big round hard objects into the stuff that you put into pumpkin bread. A new adventure. Greenie's chain saw would probably come in handy.

Ohhhhhhh....yes.....:ey:

[1967]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Reading all your posts really is enlightening.
When one lives alone it is easy to think "I'm the only one who feels this way...."
It is so untrue. I don't need to learn every lesson first hand. I keep thinking myself that I will eventually be able to have a glass of wine or two, no harm done!
I am not missing out on anything by deciding to say no thank you.
Actually I am gaining a lot more!
Thank you all!

[Mstall]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Morning Abbers,

These daily threads never disappoint. I am always shaking my head in agreement. Especially when it comes to moderation. There is no such thing as moderation for me, i'm thinking it's part of the addiction brain/personality, whatever.

I wish you strength sausage in getting back on the wagon, it is certainly a slippery slope.


Hope everyone has a great sober Sunday and meets their sobriety goal for today.

[Lavande]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Good morning Sausage,

Glad you're here! This is the place to be, no doubt!!

I'm in agreement with Wally, hulagirl, Marshy, Zeppie, Grenie, DG, 1967 & Mstall - sober living is the bomb. I'm not wasting another minute of my life obsessing over booze or drinking!

I still have a lot of things I want to do and I need to be clear headed to do them. The question of modding is off the table for me

Wishing everyone a great AF Sunday!
Lav

[Raven.joy]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

my goal today and most days is being nice to my family, they really missed me the last two years.

[Marshy]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Doggygirl;709456 wrote:
The very fact that we think and ponder and obsess about one drink or 100 drinks or moderating our drinking or wondering where we went wrong and if we can turn back the clock and just have some wine with dinner etc. etc. ad nauseum says it all.

You're dead right, DG. I've been thinking about this, and my previous post about trying to understand modding says a lot more about me than it does about moderate drinkers. Why do I want to understand it? I know it's not for me and it's not something I want to try. I think I felt frustrated about not being able to understand it because I haven't "let go" of alcohol yet, despite all my sober time.

There are loads of things in the world I don't understand, but I don't spend any time thinking about them. The fact that I do spend time thinking about other people's drinking behaviour says I haven't moved on completely from this yet. I need to learn how to properly let go. But I feel like I'm making progress by even realising that.

Sausage, I hope my previous post didn't come across as harsh. It wasn't meant that way at all, and in fact wasn't directed at you, but now I've read it back it seems a bit grumpy.

[Determinator]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Happy Happy Sunday ABeroooooooos!

Sausage and Wally, welcome back to the fray friends. Thank you for the reminder about what happens when we take that turn into the wrong part of town...so to speak.

Moderating? no problem for me! so long as your definition includes waking up at noon. with your clothes on. in the yard. ahahahahahahaa !!!! ok, on second thought that's not all that funny.

67, wise words my friend.

ok, I'm off to the Reno rib cook-off at about 1pm. getting psyched up here. ribs! ribs! ribs!

I remember going to various functions like this in the past and thinking: ok, this will be a great excuse to drink early today. The first thing I'd look for at an outdoor event was the beer/wine stand. then after the first drink or two I'd find myself in that state of mind somewhere between hung over and buzzed. ugh! I haaaaaate those memories. that fog you just can't shake out of the back of your head.

well, no more of that crap. we deserve better. You hear me?!!! every one of us deserves the 'real' good life. so get out there and have some good AF fun

be well

[Prest4time]

AF Daily Sun Sept 6th 09

Hi all,
I've enjoyed reading all of your posts and thoughts. It is always inspiring to read here even if I rarely post on the AF thread. It's because I do not feel qualified as I have not been one who has been successful at racking up long periods of time AF. But I wanted to attempt to address Marshy's trying to understand about the modding thing. I have been a member here for years and went about tackling my drinking with the end goal of learning how to be a successful moderator. I can honestly say that in the grand scheme of things, I have made major steps of overall improvement. I believe that there are many valuable tools that when utilized consistently can be quite effective for some.

I do feel like there are different types and levels of drinkers and I think that is what makes the difference between some being able to moderate while others cannot consider it.

I have never been a binge drinker so I have never understood the drinking in the morning or early in the day, nor not ever being able to stop once I start. I decided that I truly had a drinking problem when I realized that it was an "issue" if I could not have my wine every single night. I certainly have had more than my fair share of getting drunk and passing out, but it was never my normal way of drinking. When I first came here the thought of totally giving up my "wine with dinner" was terrifying, so I was determined to learn to control it so I did not have to totally quit. I truly appreciate fine wines paired with foods as I tend to be a "foodie" and love to cook, so this was all part of the package to me. So for the MOST part, I have moderated pretty well. An average evening for me would consist of buying only one bottle of wine and that is all I would have in the house. I would pace myself and have a glass of wine while cooking dinner, another with dinner, then another after dinner. Sometimes I would finish the bottle, sometimes I wouldnt. I felt pretty proud of myself as long as I stretched it out over three or four hours. I've never been a guzzler; I love to "sip" my wine. Where my downfall has come in, is that because I have not learned to stop drinking totally, I still battle with the obsessive thoughts about it. I have had several recent attempts to go AF and have failed each time. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I am one of those people who truly can have a few glasses of wine around dinner and cooking and then leave it at that. Often times I want more, but there comes a sense of satisfaction putting a cork in the bottle before finishing it and most evenings that is what I do. But to cut it out completely?? That is a different story. I have always had a hard time understanding the type of drinker that cannot stop or have any control at all once they have the first drink. However, I realize that this is the case with many alcoholics. For me I realize that there ARE times that I drink way too much although that is not the norm for me. What I need help with is removing it from my life altogether and not even having my few glasses at night. The times that I have attempted before, I get some time under my belt but the feeling of complete deprivation finds me caving and giving in, and then THOSE are the times where I over-indulge and get drunk.

However, I MUST keep trying and I will dust off and start the AF journey once again. I really love reading all of your successes as it really does help those of us who are trying to get our footing while trying to start afresh.