AF and being married

[Raven.joy]

I am happily married to a goddess. I have gone AF nearly a week now and feel like I am making a new start. She has not but has not had my drinking issues. Most of the week she did not drink but last night she did for the first time. I know some in recovery need to get all alc out of the house and not go places people will be drinking. I do not want to restrict my wife's behaviour by requesting she abstain and we clear out the wine rack, she has said she would do this if I need it. I believe the barrier is in my own head, not other people and what is around.
Early in the evening was fun I got the nice bits without the nasty, I got to relax and buzz by interaction and had a sexy time. Later though the taste of wine on her kisses made me twitchy. She finished the final glass and muttered a little about how nice it was then fell asleep. At that point I really wanted a drink, I picked up the empty bottle and sniffed it. Then I sighed and chucked it in recycle box, got into bed and fell asleep.
Today I feel god for resisting temptation but see that very form of temptation as an inevitable weekly situation. How does anyone else cope, does anyone need the house dry and partner sober with them? Does anyone have any trouble shooting strategy for managing a partner/spouse having a drink at home?

[Muddle]

AF and being married

I was on the other side for many years. My husband had a severe drinking problem--the hard stuff. I was a moderate drinker for the most part, at that point. When he was AF, I joined him for moral support, especially in the beginning, because I wanted to; he never asked.

Now that he is gone, and I am now dealing with my own immoderate drinking (wine), I know I never truly understood what he was going through. I think (I hope) that if he had come to me and told me kindly how he felt without accusing or blaming, I would have gotten rid of the alcohol. I know many of the issues, even beyond alcohol, in our marriage arose because we were both afraid to communicate openly. Or we would wait until the issue escalated to the point that it could not be discussed kindly and rationally.

I'm not sure if any of this helps, but I'm thinking of you and wishing you success.

[Doggygirl]

AF and being married

Hi Raven.joy. I can really appreciate your post as ridding oneself of alcohol absolutely brings about change that impacts those around us.

Mr. Doggy is a TRULY "normal" drinker meaning he can take it or leave it REALLY. He does not obsess over having drinks like I did as an active alcoholic. He doesn't really care about that "one drink." It just doesn't mean anything to him like it did to me. Therefore, it is NO BIG DEAL for him to abstain around me. He does it easily and readily to support me. He has the occassional beer after dog training with his friends. He has had a beer in my presence maybe once or twice since my sobriety date. He is SO THRILLED that I have stopped my very problematic drinking that if I asked him to never ever have a beer again ever himself he would happily do that, and frankly that would be easy for him. I don't ask him to do that because I don't need to - his minimal beer consumption is not affecting our relationship at all. If it was however, I would not hesitate to talk with him and try to agree on something workable for both of us.

If your wife is truly a person who can take or leave alcohol, and she has offered to leave it, why not take her up on that? While it's difficult for a truly normal drinker to understand the obsession that alcohol creates for me as an alkie, sometimes it's easy for me to forget that a true "normie" could care less about AL.

On the other hand, if partners also are at some stage of "problem drinking" the situation is more difficult as giving up AL or limiting all in some agreed upon way is more of a challenge. Since you said she doesn't have a problem currently with AL, then I wouldn't be afraid of talking with her about NOT drinking around you - at least for now. I say that only because I know my own husband was more than happy to support me in that way because my drinking was so destructive to our relationship.

The most important thing is for you to get and stay sober. When we are sober first, we can effectively work on the other matters of life with a clear head.

DG

[JackieClaire]

AF and being married

Hi Raven.joy,

When I 1st went AF , Mr JC agreed not to have AL in the house until I felt more comfortable around it. He still doesn't drink at home but enjoys a few pints when he's out with the 'lads' once a week.

Without his support and this site I'd doubt I'd be sitting here today nearly 2 months sober.

Have a quick word with Mrs R. I'm sure she'll want to be involved in your recovery.

Best of luck.

Jackie xxx

AF since 7/7/2009

[Determinator]

AF and being married

Raven.joy, I'm going through just what you're talking about, just for a bit longer now. My dear wife put up with my heavy drinking for 9+ years (she must be as hard headed as I am). I decided to get the wine out of the house since that was my poison of choice and Dx (my wife) gladly agreed it was a good idea. now the difference is she doesn't like wine anyhow, and I don't like the wine coolers and beers that she likes to drink very moderately. so I guess I'm a tad luckier in that respect as she does not feel deprived. Now, with that being said...she knows the smell/taste of al on her lips is quite objectionable to me so she typically will only drink when out with her friends out of sheer respect for me. We have been very close in our communications about my addiction so she knows what an immense struggle this has been for me.

best case scenario she agrees to abstain at least while you get some time under your belt.

2nd best case is she switches to something you don't like to drink anyway.

3rd best is she continues but uses mouthwash frequently. I've also noticed that if I use mouthwash prior to kissing/intimacy that it really helps me not smell al on her breath.

hope that's not TMI

[dora]

AF and being married

My husband can take it or leave it when it comes to alcohol. During the first few weeks of me being AF I didn't keep drink in the house and he would only have a drink when he went out. I feel more comfortable now and am happy to have alcohol in the house, even white wine which was my downfall. So far no temptations.
Dora

[namaste]

AF and being married

Raven.joy,
I had quit drinking when I met my husband to be over 20 years ago. He learned about my abstinence on our first date and chose to quit drinking then and there. We spent the first 15 years of our marriage drug and alcohol free and raised my children in a home with zero tolerance. Thank goodness all three have grown up with no evidence of substance or alcohol abuse so far! If it were not for his strength around that, I don't know how things would have been.

Unfortunately, it was me who brought alcohol back into our lives when our nest became empty..he reluctantly gave in to my persuasions to just let our hair down and have a few glasses of wine which has lead to a battle now of 5 years to manage it again. Little did I know that it was easy for him to quit drinking back then because he knew that it would be better for him to avoid it all together, because he had his own addictive nature..he had quit smoking pot before he ever met me and had compensated by drinking, (other things have become the objects of addiction since..mildly, but the patterns are evident)....So, long story short, we have struggled with trying to moderate. I the admitted alcoholic, he the enabler and the denied addicted personality.

If I drink now, he'll join me, using it as an excuse to drink excessively and adding the burden onto me of not only managing my drinking, but feeling responsible for his. During these times, I may be drinking but if left on my own, I might not drink every day, but he will be bringing it home every day and I'll drink because I'm in a binge mode and can't refuse, so we get into these cycles..so, we can't drink together. We either both drink or neither of us drink. Of course, ideally, we don't drink.

I have just come back to MWO a month or so ago. I realized the pattern of co-dependency and did pull myself out of the entanglement and stopped without asking him to stop. I wanted him to stop because it was the right thing to do, and because he was aware that he was not drinking in a normal healthy way, and that it wasn't good for me. I distanced myself from him and just let him know that if he were drinking that I needed to be in another room. I would go to my room and read or watch television in another room. We understood this and respected it.

We've gone to counseling for this and we've been supported to maintain abstinence together. Our marriage and a healthy relationship is more important than one's 'right to enjoy a drink, or glass of wine'...I think it is a very small sacrifice for a spouse to make for another and for the marriage, if needed. I know a lot of marriages and 'recovered alcoholics' that do fine with drinking spouses, but for many it doesn't work. I've heard other people on this site talk as if they don't have the right to ask their spouse to quit, and that is where I would differ. In some cases, you absolutely do, if it is what is necessary to save your life. Your life is certainly more important than someone's right to one simple pleasure.
Namaste'

[sunshine_gg]

AF and being married

I'll have to echo Namaste... I did absolutely NOT want to ask Mr. Wonderful to lock up the wine, etc... since it was MY problem, not his. Well, he set me straight and reminded me that any problem ultimately was OUR problem and that we probably both had to be part of the solution.

So, any AL is now locked away. Because it is necessary for me. Yes, he does have his glass of wine now and then, rarely around me, though.

Btw.. I also noted that I find the smell of AL on someone's breath somewhat unpleasant now. How about that, huh?

[Raven.joy]

AF and being married

I have asked the goddess to have a break from drinking for a while until there is a distance from it in my head, a week isnt long enough to feel cured. She is happy to be without and will take the opportunity to detox herself. Thanks for all the good advice.

[redhibiscus]

AF and being married

Everyone's relationship is different. In my marriage, my husband and I need to be on the same page or we cannot be successful. For example, quitting smoking. We attended classes and quit together. He has never relapsed. I have several times but gained the skills to quit and we are both currently NF. As to drinking, he found out he has a liver disease, not related to drinking, and he quit. I quit with him for a time, but then when summer came around, started up again. He was not happy about it and it was totally unfair and selfish of me. That is why I am committed to AF. We need to support each other and find other healthy ways to spend our time. I love him and want the best for both of us and AF is the best.

[peacenik]

AF and being married

my husband doesn't drink at all. he works with a population of people who have high alcoholism rates, so he knows all about the problems associated with drinking. when we got married, he decided it would be best for him to be sober. i, however, drank all though our dating and marriage. i think he took on the role of savior and tried to lead by example, but i selfishly did my own thing and hid it from him for years. funny that he didn't realize his own wife was an alcoholic! i told him i was and asked for his help in quitting a few times and relapsed a few times. i have quit for me every time. he knows i can't quit for him and be successful. he is very supportive and doesn't get mad or try to make me feel bad when i fall off the proverbial wagon, he just says he loves me no matter what and will always support me through my struggles. i don't know how i got so lucky, but i have a wonderful supportive man behind my efforts and that helps alot.

[moofarmer]

AF and being married

spouse, Friends, Family all drink, I'm OK with it.

I got myself into trouble with AL, majorly behind my wife's back.
She was not happy being married to a drunk.
I'm OK if she drinks around me, she stops after 2, 3,4.
She likes me better when I'm sober too. I like driving home after dinner
at a nice Italian restaurant where my wife has enjoyed good food and wine
and getting us home safely, AF.
Moo

[dlw]

AF and being married

Since my husband and I both started as Social drinkers- I -became a closet drinker so he would stop nagging me when my AL turned into a disease. - ALthough I blame me, I blame him too.
He still drinks socially, and occasionally at home, I never have a problem with others drinking around me- when your a closet drinker, your only social friend when your drinking is a bottle. And it doesnt Judge

[rokka]

AF and being married

If you have been in trouble with alcohol and have had a lot of problems stopping and need to to do abstinence for some time, then I would say, no AL in the house. Why have the temptation. This is a very insidious disease and needs to be battled on all fronts.

Take Care.

[MountainBlueJay]

AF and being married

Both my husband and I are alcoholics. The difference between us is that he doesn't believe that he is. When our children were little I quit drinking for several years. He cut back during that time, but would still have 2 or 3 beers almost every evening, spread out over several hours. I resented him for not quitting with me - I asked him to but he wasn't interested. Eventually I started drinking again. Now I am ready to give it up again. This time he says he wants to quit, but we have been through this before. One of us will cave in and bring home a bottle of wine, and we both end up drinking it. I know that in our marraige that I have to be the strong one. I cannot count on him to be AF with me. He is out of town and today is day 1 for me.