Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

[retteacher]

WF: I read your post of yesterday. A change such as your mother coming to stay will take some adjustment. Whenever I have a little added stress in my life, I do try to continue my meeting schedule, read the literature, & see AA friends. My mother did notice that I'm not drinking. She & I don't have the kind of relationship where I wanted to go into joining AA, so I told her that I feel a lot better not drinking. I kept it simple.

The question of "whom do I tell about my alcoholism & AA involvement?" has been something I've thought about for a while. I know that a lot of my AA friends don't mind if everyone knows about their recovery in AA. I wish I could be like that, but I'm not. Obviously, there are plenty of people who do know. But I haven't told everyone in my life. I've read in the literature that it's not required that I tell everyone about my alcoholism & AA membership. I've discussed this w/my sponsor as well. That's why it's called Alcholics ANONYMOUS. I'm adopting the philosophy that if/when the time is right, I'll tell people.

Life is good here. We're in the middle of projects & positive challenges. My husband & I have a few opportunities to do some things wo/each other: for him, a mens' retreat sponsored by my Sat. night AA group (the AAers have adopted him as a kind of honorary AAer), & for me, a tasting tour of Little Italy in Boston w/some of my friends. These opportunity are good for long-married, retired people.

Take care everyone.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Happy Monday all.

Note to DG. Most speaker meetings I have attended allow about 20 minutes for the speaker. Are you capable of doing that? I've read some of your posts, it takes more than 20 minutes to read them (at 350 wpm).....just kidding ...ok..?? I know you will do great, you do have an amazing story and will help another AA for sure.

Hope you appreciate my humor.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Dg: I wish so much I could be there when you speak. I know you'll be wonderful. Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Hello everyone! It appears things have been pretty quiet in general around MWO the last few days, and I have contributed to that quietness! Not on purpose - just staying busy. It's all good though, for which I am grateful!

WF and Mary, I read your posts from last weeks thread. The last few years of my drinking career was nearly 100% alone drinking at home. It wasn't always that way. Over time it went from nearly always with others and out at bars or parties with a small amount (small being relative LOL) of alone drinking to more alone drinking over time. It is such a relief to not be in that place any more.

WF, that sounds similar to how my Step Coach and I got started - with Bill's Story and a discussion about how we each related to it. It was a great way to "get to know each other" in the context of our drinking behaviors and patterns. I'm so excited for you that you are working the steps with your sponsor. I think you will love the process of self discovery / house cleaning and more tools to stay sober and ways to have more peace of mind. (which will be useful with your mother there I'm sure!! I love my mother but can't imagine her staying with me! You have my admiration!) I hope you will keep us posted on all fronts. I love your plan of keeping your AA activities and resources high on your priority list as you plan for such a big change as another human coming to live with your for awhile.

:H Phil I LOVE your humor!! Maybe I'll just print out a post or two and can pass them out if I can't think of anything to say. I always have that fear with business presentations too - that I will just stand there and nothing comes out of my mouth. Of course I now recognize that it's tied to ego / pride - a worry about what others will think. And since I ask to have those defects removed every day (some days it seems to work better than others LOL!) I'm trying not to sweat it. I think when the time comes HP will put some words in my mouth if I just try to relax and let that happen.

I talked to Step Coach this AM as he was originally scheduled for his first round of chemo and radiation today. It got moved to Wednesday. I told him about this speaking thing and it turns out this club is where he went for several years before he moved to this area. So he knows lots of people there and asked if I would like him to go with!! Of course if he ends up feeling like crap and has to cancel I will totally understand. But he LOVES LOVES LOVES helping people recover so I accepted his offer trusting that when the time comes, he will know if he is up for going out or not (and I DON'T NEED TO TRY TO CONTROL / MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HIM!!!). My husband is also going to go as it's an open meeting. I think I'm glad about that! He witnessed first hand anything I would say, so no secrets or problems of that nature. I am just accepting his offer too and going with the flow. Thanks to all of you for your words of support. That means a lot to me!!

Mary, that is so cool about your husband getting involved and making friends and being "adopted" by the Saturday night group! I think it's great that you are sometimes doing your thing, and him doing his thing. While we are not retired, Mr. Doggy and I work together in our business. I think we might drive each other nuts if we didn't have some separate interests and time apart from each other. For him it's dog training and treasure hunting and for me it's working out (yes, I actually LIKE that now LOL - never thought I'd see THAT day!) and AA. Maybe someday there will be another hobby in there for me, but I'm quite content with the way things are now, today.

Mary I think you are very wise the way you are handling "who to tell?" Outside of AA, I think some caution is wise. You are so right about the "anonymous" part of it. I seem to feel more comfortable with time about who knows. My nature is probably to be TOO open about it and there is no reason to over-tell those who do not have a need to know, and potentially impact our business or something. So I think some caution seems wise.

I had an issue come up yesterday with my first sponsor - the one where that didn't work out. Without getting into the details, she did something that made me very uncomfortable. The thought of drinking actually occured to me - it didn't stay with me for long but on the yardstick of discomfort, I was pretty uncomfortable! In the past I would have definitely gotten drunk over something like that, and also probably "blown up" at her about it, and then probably gossiped with others about it just to make sure I had plenty of people on "my side" proving I was "right" about the situation.

I am grateful today to be learning better ways to deal with situations like that.

I talked to my sponsor.
I said the serenity prayer.
I went to the gym to work off some steam on a cardio machine and decided not to do anything until I was sure I was calm.
I decided what to say that would make it clear I will not do what it is she is trying to manipulate me to do (without accusing her of manipulation), but without making a big drama fest out of it. Just factual and to the point, and hopefully not demeaning or anything like that. Just a difference in how we prefer to do things.
Some would probably say I should have said my piece in person. However I didn't quite trust myself to stick to the plan if I had a chance to "improvise." So I said what I had to say over e-mail and I think for now, that was the best way for me to handle it.

Then - just like the BB promised - *I* felt immediately better. No resentment brewing and stewing for days and days. No guilt and remorse for handling things badly and saying / doing hurtful things. No involving other people to then feel guilty about gossiping. Honesty, but hopefully without daggars and barbs and baggage to go with it.

Not perfect perhaps, but light years better than I have handled such situations in the past. Is it possible to grow up after you are 50??????? I hope so.

Well, off to make some dinner I go! Without any booze by my side. WF, I can so relate to that habit. I am grateful that I seem to be past it now, and no longer think about "a" (:H) glass of wine while cooking. You will get there too! And in the mean time I love how again, you have put your priorities in order. A stint of simple fare is a small price to pay for sobriety, I think!!

Thanks again for all the wonderful support you guys give me here on a daily basis.

:l

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

DG: As usual, you give me much to think about & comment on. First, I'm so glad you're husb is going to hear you speak. I've thought about that should I ever be asked. As for your step coach: I think it must be wonderful for him to see someone come into AA & really thrive. When I came into AA, there were a number of people I no longer see at meetings. I know that they'll come back at some time, but for me, the program worked the first time around.

Also, DG, it was very affirming to see your words about anonymity. I do have a sense that you are very open. One of my biggest character defects is being hidden & closed. It's much harder for me to confide anything about myself. I'm gradually letting people know, & when my HP wants someone to know about my membership in AA, he/she puts that person at a meeting.

Honestly, DG, I praise you so much for how you handled the conflict. I haven't had a drinking thought of that magnitude since I did my 5th step. I know it can happen at any time. I think the emailing was fine. At some point, you'll probably be able to speak face-to-face w/your former sponsor. For now, you got your point across, & it's not simmering under the surface. I always remember: "Resentment is our number one enemy."

Ah, alone drinking: My pattern was pretty much the same. Social drinking turned into alone drinking. Why? Because I'm alcoholic. Knowing that makes everything so much clearer.

Take care one & all.

Love, Mary

PS: Some of the regulars: please stop in & say "hi." Cindy, Chief, Okey? Are you out there?

[momof3]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Hello All,

It is good to hear how strong everyone sounds! DG, I appreciate your story about your former sponsor and how authentically you handled it. It is a sign of a healthy brain! It continues to astound me how much we grow emotionally when we eliminate alcohol from our lives.

Almost 18 months for me. I really don't think much about alcohol anymore. I have been exposed to just about every situation imagineable where picking up a drink would have been my automatic response. I feel like I have hit a plateau though so I am stepping up with those things that keep me sane and fulfilled such as exercise, church, volunteering, and being connected with my family.

For those of you who are just starting or starting over, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and have faith that it gets better. It does! Just putting the AF time in makes a huge difference and of course setting goals and being involved in programs such as MWO, AA, etc. accelerates the process.

Be well everyone.
M3

[chrysa]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Hi,

Do you all do any AA Online Meetings? If so which ones? Thank you very much

chrysa

[chrysa]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Very inspirational post Momof3

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

M3: Yes indeed! You are an inspiration. I know your life is busy, but please come here every now & then w/a few words of encouragement. I love hearing from you.

Chrysa: I don't do any on-line meetings. I can't stand waiting/reading/writing. I tried the chat room here & gave it up for the same reason. I really needed face-to-face meetings & mixing (in person) w/other alcoholics. That brought me out of the isolation of alcoholism. I do know people who really value the on-line meetings. I like MWO for the between-meeting support & encouragement. I've made friends here & come every day to see what's happening w/everyone.

Good luck, Mary

[chrysa]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

thank you ret

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Hi there! Chrysa, I also participate in a low carb eating forum and there are a couple people who post there who are active in AA. I don't know if they will know more about on-line meetings, but I asked for input if they have some recommendations. I will pass along anything useful I might be able to find out. I enjoy face to face meetings for all the reasons that Mary described. But I'm sure the on-line meetings have value too so if you find out about them and try them out, I hope you will let us know what you think.

Mean time, here is the Big Book On-line. I've tried to google for it thinking it surely must be out there, but for some reason was unable to find it. Someone posted a link on the other diet forum!! Big Book Online Fourth Edition Hopefully that link works. I especially love Chapters 2 & 3 where alcoholic thinking and behavior is described in such detail. Those two chapters helped me understand the nature of my problem. (and that alcohol is a PROBLEM for everything, not a SOLUTION to everything LOL!)

Mary - "why? Because I'm an alcoholic." That simple understanding really answers a lot of questions I struggled with for many years too. Love it.

Todays meeting was awesome. I normally leave about 10 minutes early as I have a business activity that starts at 8. But today it was such a relevant topic that I stayed until the end and chose to be late to my other meeting. Tuesday is "open topic" and the chair (16 years sober) did a lead about how his character defects can pop up out of the blue and affect his thinking at any time. He just acts on those thoughts differently now. But the wrong thinking still happens from time to time. A few of the tips / comments that really hit home for me are as follows:

1) A very important aspect of Step 10 is the ability to keep my mouth shut when "wrong thinking" happens. (I think this is part of what I went through Sunday and I'm glad I didn't respond / react right away!!) Take time to think it through, consult sponsor if need be, etc. before acting.

2) Everyone goes through this. (wrong thinking) I am not alone. (this was huge for me - just to hear that it's normal to struggle with things and have wrong thoughts)

3) I am not perfect nor is anyone else perfect. (remember to have forgiveness)

4) Mary - as you also noted, resentment is a minefield - take the actions suggested in the Big Book! (pray for that person) LOL - one guy described his 'stair step' method of praying for someone he's really (unreasonably) mad at: Day 1 prayer: "Please give that SOB whatever he wants..." Day 2 prayer: OK, maybe he's not an SOB. Please give him whatever he wants.." Day 3 prayer: Eliminate the SOB part altogether.... And on it goes until he finds he can pray for this person without resentments filling up the prayer. I thought that was an interesting approach. It works for him anyway!

Step Coach gave me some good words of advice today about the speaking thing on Saturday. He said "when you are done you are going to think of at least 8 things you forgot to say or wish you had said differently. That's normal. This is a big step for you in the right direction and you just need to get up there and do it..." I so hope he feels OK after chemo and radiation which is tomorrow. He has so much still to give to recovering alkies and he clearly loves giving it.

Anyway.. that's the update for now. Strength and hope to all!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

DG: very cool stuff. Mary

[Winefree]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

Great discussions everyone. So far so good here with Mom. She hasn't mentioned a thing about my not drinking. Probably a good thing. Don't really feel like getting into the whole thing with her. She is more and more hard of hearing even with the hearing aids, so it is a challenge sometimes to communicate with her. I can only imagine having to scream or repeat over and over about AA etc.

Last nights meeting was a discussion from the daily reflections. I brought out a lot of discussion about how they came into AA for the first time. Although the reading made it sound like it was a quick simple fix after coming into AA, everyone seemed to mention how it really was a struggle to keep on track going to meetings and staying AF. It was great to hear how much AA eventually did become the lifeline to sobriety and how grateful they are to other AA's for making them feel so welcome, comfortable and helpful for them to reach their goals.
Overall a good meeting. Bringing everyone back to their roots in AA and seeing how deep they have grown.

Winefree

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

WF: Just a practical note: Have the hearing aids checked to make sure they're not clogged w/wax (yuk). She should have almost normal hearing if they're working properly. I wear hearing aids (yes, I'm a senior citizen) & couldn't manage wo/them. It's not like regular person's hearing, but I can hear most of what is said. I too haven't confided in anyone from my nuclear family. It's up to us whom we want to tell about AA. Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Oct. 19 - 25

WF, that sounds like a good meeting. I know that I always want the promises to be fulfilled quickly!! But sometimes they are fulfilled slowly. I always need a reminder about that part. Simple program, but not always easy! I hope you can figure out the problem with your Mom's hearing aid. That must make things difficult just to get through the day sometimes with that barrier to communication. I agree with Mary that it's entirely your call when or if you ever discuss AA or your alcoholism with your Mom or anyone.

Yesterday a guy got his 23 year coin and today a guy got his 3 month coin. I loved listening to both of them!! It really is true for me that I can learn something from everyone at the tables, no matter what their circumstances or length of sobriety if they even have a whole day of sobriety. We all have something of value to share.

In addition to thinking about the talk Saturday night I am also getting ready for a Step 9 update meeting with my sponsor on Friday. There are two letters I am working on that will never be mailed anywhere, but is amends I need to get off of my own chest even though it is not possible to make either of these amends in person. I'm really struggling with finding any words. I'm beginning to think that for somes situations, there just aren't very many words that really mean anything. I will be very interested to see what my sponsor has to say when I describe where I'm at.

When I first started AA I wasn't really thrilled about the whole sponsor thing. I didn't really like the idea of someone else telling me what to do or giving me their opinion on "my business." Now I am fully realizing the value of a sponsor, especially since I do trust mine (and also my step coach) to keep my private business private. It's nice to get ouside advice from someone who is operating from the same principles I am trying to operate from. And who is far enough away from situations to be more objective than I can be about stuff I'm in the middle of. I secretly used to think that having my sponsor be in a neighboring town would actually be good - nobody breathing down my neck every day. Now I am missing having someone local where I DO have more contact and access.

How 'bout that for some honesty!! You heard it here first!

I will be patient though. My sponsor now is very good with the step work and has a really simple and straight forward way of working through it. We agreed we are going to continue working together through Step 12, and then she wants to also work through the Traditions with me, and that will be awesome. At some point after that she has already told me she wants me to find a local sponsor. I didn't used to think much about that time but now I can be positive as well as patient in my anticipation.

Strength and hope!!

DG