I'm a little afraid.

[drylifeahead]

Very soon I will be living on my own, responsible for all my actions. For the most part I am embracing this whole notion, I have never ever
lived by myself. My youngest will be with me, but no adults.
I have to admit, and this site is the best place to do it, that I have a small but growing battle inside my head. As the time gets closer to the big move
I fear it will get out of control.
My fear is that once I am by myself, with no one watching me, the stupid part of my brain will overpower my will to stay sober.
I need to talk this through BEFORE the time comes.

I`m thinking that I need to contact AA now. MWO and you all have been a huge factor in building up my resolve for sobriety. The supplements,
the walks and talking with friends all help. Because I am closing down my 6th AF week and heading tomorrow into my 7th, many of my friends think
I did not have a problem after all. Of course I was a daily (almost) drink at home and get plastered drinker..they did not see 90 % of what was going
on in my life or head. They still have no idea how dark the mornings were, the quiet promises I`d make to myself each and every morning after to not
drink. Promises I never kept. :upset:
The place I am hoping to get in a 2 minute walk from a Beer Store. Beer was my weakness. Once I realised this place was so close, I found a route to take
in and out of the neighbourhood so as not to pass it a few times a day.
This is driving me nuts.

DLA :h:l:h

[retteacher]

I'm a little afraid.

Dear Dry: I have been sober for nearly 8 months...my longest ever. I've been a member of MWO since Apr. 07, but in spite of the fact that I made huge gains here, I still relapsed consistently. Something awful happened that pushed me into joining AA. I needed the face-to-face accountability. I still love MWO & come here every single day I possibly can. But, I needed to come out in the open w/my problem & admit (in public) that I cannot drink normally. I would also be scared if there were no other adults in the house to help me put the brakes on my drinking. If I were alone, I'd then have free-rein to really drink. Think about AA as a supplement to MWO. There is a weekly AA thread here. If you look in on it, you might get a better idea of what to expect. To find meetings: Just go to the Alcoholics Anonymous website for meeting schedules in your area. Good luck. Mary

[startingover]

I'm a little afraid.

Hiya DLA, I think its only natural for you to be afraid. In a way you are testing yourself and your sobriety.
Go back to how you were 6 weeks ago, what drove you to stop drinking, what positive changes have come about since you quit. How hard and how frightening it was to go through withdrawal. Hopefully this will help strengthen your resolve should the going get tough.
Above all, keep the good feeling of being sober and in control in the forefront of your mind.
You can do this!! Not easy, but definitely doable and definitely worth it.
Very best wishes to you.

[KateH1]

I'm a little afraid.

Hi, Drylife.....You have been doing So Well! :l I applaud you with being so comitted that you have already identified an issue with walking past the beer store!!

Change, any change brings on anxiety and we all know that anxiety is a huge trigger for most of us.......we want to "escape" into the bottle.......something that we "Know". But, we also Know what the bottle always brings with it....yep! More anxiety and depression and the inability to think straight even after the drinking is over for the moment. Truly drinking makes everything worse!!

AA sounds like a good idea.....real human contact.....an opportunity for new friends! I am not an AA'er....but, I know that it has helped many......perhaps a chat with Doggygirl could give you some insight into AA!

I am excited for you and your new adventure! Autonomy is a wonderful thing! You too, will grow to love it!

Best Wishes!
xxx Kate

[UrbanFool]

I'm a little afraid.

Nearly every time I've gotten into trouble with booze, it's been just a couple days before my period started without fail. I could stay AF for 28 days, and the boom! right back to it. It's definitely gotta be hormone-driven in some part.

Spend a lot of time decorating, thinking about decorating, and planning to decorate. That'll take your mind off a lot. You don't want to just sit around the TV --it's a sure way to bring about a drinking craving.

When I was a youngster, I moved to San Francisco and believe me --it was a HUGE shocker to all of a sudden have to buy toilet paper and toothpaste. After all, that's stuff Mom buys. LOL. Now, I go to Costco, buy an enormous package of toilet paper, and drop half of it off at my mom's house.

You could also learn about refinishing furniture and redo everything in the house.

[drylifeahead]

I'm a little afraid.

Thank you retteacher.
I had gone to one AA meeting last year. Felt for the first time that I was not some kind of freak..that there were ACTUALLY people
just like me. That group was good, but I felt like I should try another to feel more comfortable. Never did. It my my substance abuse
therapist I found who helped me the most. She kept `nagging` (I mean this in a good way) at me to join, I was sooo opposed. Gave me
a pamphlet explaining the three stages you go through. I can`t remember them exactly...but I fear I am heading toward the planning
to drink stage. Oh please God nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Startingover I need to find that sheet where I wrote down all my reasons. There were sooo many.

KateH1 thank you. I`m looking forward to the change for the most part.' Truly drinking makes everything worse!! 'So true.
' Escape. 'Except it`s not a real escape. No vacation is it..

One good thing about me drinking is I didn`t really like the
taste as much as I loved the buzz. Had to keep drinking to maintain, except I couldn`t maintain it after drinking a few-I`d get progressively
more drunk. Zone out my troubles. So for me to just enjoy a glass or two holds no pleasure for me. Why I say it`s good is the taste is not part of the urge at all.

I have to keep all this in my mind. All of it.

UrbanFool...I`m pmsing. Wow. This week has been pretty tough, and being so close to that time hasn`t helped.
' Nearly every time I've gotten into trouble with booze, it's been just a couple days before my period started without fail. '
Thank you for warning me.

DLA:h:h

[Marshy]

I'm a little afraid.

Hi drylife,

I'm not a big AA-er, although I've been going occassionally. Recently, though, I've stepped up my attendance because I recognise the run-up to Christmas and New Year as a dangerous time for me, so I wanted to shore up my defences.

It sounds as though it would be worth you trying it again to get you through a tough spell even if you don't sign up for life membership (kidding!). And also to meet some new people if you're moving to a new part of town?

[Doggygirl]

I'm a little afraid.

DLA, I can really relate to your description of your drinking life. Me too! Me too! Daily drinking. Especially in the later years, much of it alone at home. Oh the countless broken promises. Every morning "I won't drink!" Only to break those promises as early in the day as possible. I can also relate to your fears. I thought in the past "what if something happened to Mr. Doggy and I were living alone. Would I drink?" And I know that I would WANT to very badly, and that I would have the thoughts and fears you are having.

All this just to say that I think what you are going through is normal. And I think it's great you are taking these thoughts and fears seriously enough to come here and talk about them rather than take things lightly!!! And yes, I too believe that we plan our relapses well in advance whether we realize it or not.

If you are feeling in your heart and/or mind that AA might be a good idea, then GO FOR IT, is my opinion. For many years I kept resisting all notions of AA and made up a wide range of reasons for resisting it - everything from "I'm not a drunk like those people" to "it's a religious program and I don't want that..." blah blah blah. Upon some real soul searching, I figured out that the REAL reason my brain was adamantly opposed to me going to AA is that it truly would be an admission of my alcoholism and a recognition of my desparate need to get abstinent.

I love MWO and as Mary described, this is where I got my start on the path to sobriety, and MWO continues to be an important daily (or near daily) part of my sober life. Over the last 9 months, AA has also become an important part of my sober life. Here are a few of the most important benefits that I have found:

1. I love the "in person" contact with people who are just like me.
2. I am enjoying "working" the program as it involves a process of self discovery and personal growth. (although lots of people seem to benefit from just going to meetings and not really delving into the Step work....that's a personal thing!)
3. I am making a wide variety of new friends - there is truly a lot of love and caring around the tables of AA. There is here at MWO too - just a matter of distance!!

If you decide to try some meetings, I suggest going to different ones to find the group you feel most comfortable with. There are also different types of meetings (i.e. Open Speaker, Topic, Big Book Study, etc.). You may find you like a particular type of meeting more than others.

Anyway....WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? One thing is for sure - nobody will chain you down and hold you hostage or anything. I only say that because before I went, the way I acted in my complete resistance to all things AA, I acted like I thought that!!!!

MWO + AA = I have a shot at sobriety to day...for me anyway!!

You can do this DLA. Whatever strategy you decide to employ, this move DOES NOT need to end in relapse. Just make up your mind you will do whatever it takes to stay sober, and arm yourself with every tool you can get your hands on.

DG

[UrbanFool]

I'm a little afraid.

See now, I'm scared to death that I'll run into someone I know. This does not bring me comfort like it does other people, but terrifies me to death. My brother is fresh out of prison and right into in-patient rehab, and I'm now being nagged to resume meetings. I'll be going Sunday, but at the moment I'm only doing it for my brother. I'm sure my attitude will change as I go to meetings and I don't recognize anyone. Love my bro. I'm sorry he's gotten himself in a world of hurt.

This is his second time in prison, and if he'd been to rehab the first time around I don't think he would've screwed up. He was on an inmate fire crew for a few years.

I don't know anyone else who has been to rehab, but I swear that kids should have to go through it before graduating from high school. I learned so many things that were just never taught to me.

[drylifeahead]

I'm a little afraid.

Marshy, there is one other lil thing I have to admit about going to AA meetings maybe you or someone else can help me with.
It's so stupid, but plays a rather significant roll as to one of the reasons I don't go. I have a phobia about public speaking.
My face would be red..my mind racing a hundred miles an hour so thoughts get mixed up, and I can't even HEAR what I am saying.
People go to the front and talk. About experiences. I was a first timer when I went so didn't have to in fact hardly anyone did, it was all pre-arranged speakers.
But my thought is-EVENTUALLY I would be at least asked to speak. It's not that I have a fear of sharing my experience,
it's that I would babble on like , well, someone who had been drinking
Excuses excuses I know, but for me, I have struggles with p/s all my life, even remember my fear doing a report in front of the class as early as grade 2.

DLA :h:h

Doggygirl I just read your post before hitting submit. Some of the most calm times in my life, when I was a child, was when my family would attend
church. The religious aspect of AA doesn't hold me back. In fact, returning to church has occurred to me throughout my entire adult life. I've
just never acted on it-mainly because, and I know this sounds-lazy/insane/like ANOTHER excuse-I like to sleep in Sundays. Plus, my boyfriend
had the opinion Christ was akin to the Easter Bunny. We could not talk about religion. And I would shut him down every time the subject came up
in front of the kids because I dreaded what he would spew out of his mouth. Kids got a kick out of it. Me, not so much.
I think I would enjoy new friends who can relate to me. There are many good things about AA. So now, I`m definitely adding this to my arsenal.

' You can do this DLA. Whatever strategy you decide to employ, this move DOES NOT need to end in relapse. '
I can do this!!

Just as I am about to hit submit, I read another. Thank you ALL for sharing and helping!!

UrbanFool, that is ANOTHER reason I hold back ``See now, I'm scared to death that I'll run into someone I know``
My therapist finally convinced me we are all there for the same reason, the others have the same fear I do. It`s great you are supporting your
brother! In my case, I HAVE to get over my ego, and do everything I can to support myself and my sobriety.

Hitting submit.

You are all so wonderful!!!
DLA :h:l:h

[UrbanFool]

I'm a little afraid.

I'll do anything for my bro as long as he isn't doing anything illegal or pissing anyone off. He's 10 years younger than me, so we've had completely different upbringings.

[cpn1004]

I'm a little afraid.

DLA
Ditto on all the comments. Beer was my thing, had to be Budweiser cans, because I could gauge exactly when the buzz would hit me. Always drinking alone too.
I recommend the book "Undrunk" for anyone considering AA.
Good luck to you.

[drylifeahead]

I'm a little afraid.

cpn1004, cans for me too. The big ones, can't remember now which is weird but wonderful and I won't check but I think it was german, belgium or something. I also knew half way through the first I would start feeling it. Warm glow, never lasted...turned into a hellish 'glow' each time.

I just got off the phone with AA. She took my number after I explained the situation, and is having someone call me back...

DLA :h:h

[cuckoosnest83]

I'm a little afraid.

DLA, there is some wonderful advice here. It is sound advice for me also as I only have 4 days AF but the one thing that has kept running over and over in my head these past couple of days is, it is my choice and mine alone to take that first drink. I can come here or go to AA for support and understanding but at the end of the day it all comes down on me. I wish you much luck and support in your new move. It is very scary to be on your own but it can also be very freeing. All the best to you and please keep us posted on how you make out. Congratulations on your 6 weeks AF. That is a huge accomplishment.

[drylifeahead]

I'm a little afraid.

cuckoosnest83;756320 wrote: DLA, there is some wonderful advice here. It is sound advice for me also as I only have 4 days AF but the one thing that has kept running over and over in my head these past couple of days is, it is my choice and mine alone to take that first drink. I can come here or go to AA for support and understanding but at the end of the day it all comes down on me. I wish you much luck and support in your new move. It is very scary to be on your own but it can also be very freeing. All the best to you and please keep us posted on how you make out. Congratulations on your 6 weeks AF. That is a huge accomplishment.

Congratualtions on YOUR 4 days cuckoosnest83! That is FANTASTIC! I found the first 3 the most trying, keep up the good work :goodjob:

You are so right. I've reasoned this out in my head. There are many steps I would have to take in order to break my sobriety.
1. Make sure I have enough cash. I seldom have more than $10 on my anymore. Sure I have my debit and CC cards, but I learned to hate leaving a paper trail of my addiction. Seeing the bills made me sick.
2. I'd have to walk or drive to get there, park in the parking lot and walk inside. That's actually a few steps.
3. Go to the beer section, grab my stash. 2 more steps
4. Walk to the checkout counter and pay, bag them and leave. That is 4 more steps.
5. Get in my car and go home to my private domain. 2 more
6. Get out of the car, carry my stash in and put all but one in the fridge/freezer depending on how cold they are. 3 more
7. Carry my one to the couch, turn on the tv, open it. 3 more
8. Use my own arm to bring the beer to my own lips, tip and swallow. 3more.

That amounts to at least 21 steps I actually have to make to break my promise I made to myself. AND, it WOULD be completely my choice. OMG, I can't do this/don't want to do this again. Putting these down actually is helping me.

DLA:h:h