Hello poster Jaxx - hope you are going to join in! Jaxx raised an interesting point in another thread and rather than :hijack: that thread, I thought a new one would be good.
Jaxx, I hope you don't mind if I quote your original post:
I drank for 30 years. For most of that, I was a daily drinker. "Work hard play hard" for many years. However, it wore me out eventually. In the end, alcohol was all I cared about. I quit my last corporate job before I got fired for drinking on the job. At home, I started drinking as early in the day as possible, and kept on going until I "fell asleep." Lying became a way of life. I lied about what and how much and when and where I was drinking, I lied to people to get out of going anywhere or doing anything so I could stay home and drink. I told myself 10 zillion times that "I'm never going to drink again" only to drink again within hours of making those promises.
I tried everything in the book to "control" my drinking. "I won't drink before 5." "I won't drink before 3" I won't drink before noon." "I will only drink on weekends." "I will only drink wine during the week and Vodka on the weekends." "I will only drink beer out of dixie cups while standing on my head wearing a green sweater." Well, not that last one but you get my drift.
It got to the point where I could not accomplish hardly anything except drink. I got so depressed and forlorn - I started NOT seeing reasons to live. I saw no purpose at all for my life and could not see anything getting any better in the future. I started saving up my prescription medication any chance I could get my hands on some (i.e. pain killers and muscle relaxers) and thought with a big enough stash of pills I could end it all if nothing changed.
I like to think that I didn't take risks driving. That at least I had SOME dignity left - not being that sort of a-hole that chances killing people. Truth is, I lied to myself about that too. I drove plenty of times when I was drunk either legally or practically or both. The only reason I didn't kill myself or someone else is that I finally quit drinking before it happened - and that is some luck I am grateful for.
Funny - I used to think I was NOT a mean drunk. The problem was that OTHER PEOPLE just kept doing rediculous things to piss me off! If THEY (i.e. my husband) would stop being such jerks, we could just laugh and live it up! Ummm.....now THAT is a warped version of reality, and that's all I'll say about it. I was a mean drunk, especially for the last 5 or 10 years of it.
Physically I totally let myself go. There in the last few years, I only showered and wore decent clothes if I absolutely had to. Otherwise it was just me and my sweats with a pony tail and no makeup and drinking. What a life.
What really amazes me is after reaching a point where all I could do was drink, and I hated myself enough for that to want to kill myself, WHY DID I STILL WANT TO DRINK???? Why would I even CONSIDER jeapardizing my new and sober life to "just see if I can have one?" But I've done it before just like you have. This disease/obsession/compulsion/addiction/whatever-you-like-to-call-it truly DOES involve insanity.
I am grateful to be sober and rebuilding a meaningful life. I am grateful that I no longer wake each day only to feel hopeless about the future. Staying sober takes WORK. But to me, it's worth it to not be that self loathing, hopeless drunk any more.
So Jaxx - is that the sort of honesty you were looking for?
DG
Jaxx, I hope you don't mind if I quote your original post:
at this time, to tell you the truth; i need all the guidance i can get. thank you for listening and taking the time to respond. i must say though... no one talks about how bad it is for them. its all words of encouragement. what about the ugly face of it all. lets talk about that. about what happend to you; why your date picked you.
as ive said before; im a drinker of 15 years (beer). my nose is red. i have spider veins on my cheeks and nose. sometimes my stomach hurts. i know it is my pancreas.
how long does it take for the face to lose its reddness? i know the spider veins will never go away. im thinking 2 to 3 months of sobriety?
i want to hear the bad stories of drinking. THE REAL STORIES. tell me what it has done to you.
as ive said before; im a drinker of 15 years (beer). my nose is red. i have spider veins on my cheeks and nose. sometimes my stomach hurts. i know it is my pancreas.
how long does it take for the face to lose its reddness? i know the spider veins will never go away. im thinking 2 to 3 months of sobriety?
i want to hear the bad stories of drinking. THE REAL STORIES. tell me what it has done to you.
I tried everything in the book to "control" my drinking. "I won't drink before 5." "I won't drink before 3" I won't drink before noon." "I will only drink on weekends." "I will only drink wine during the week and Vodka on the weekends." "I will only drink beer out of dixie cups while standing on my head wearing a green sweater." Well, not that last one but you get my drift.
It got to the point where I could not accomplish hardly anything except drink. I got so depressed and forlorn - I started NOT seeing reasons to live. I saw no purpose at all for my life and could not see anything getting any better in the future. I started saving up my prescription medication any chance I could get my hands on some (i.e. pain killers and muscle relaxers) and thought with a big enough stash of pills I could end it all if nothing changed.
I like to think that I didn't take risks driving. That at least I had SOME dignity left - not being that sort of a-hole that chances killing people. Truth is, I lied to myself about that too. I drove plenty of times when I was drunk either legally or practically or both. The only reason I didn't kill myself or someone else is that I finally quit drinking before it happened - and that is some luck I am grateful for.
Funny - I used to think I was NOT a mean drunk. The problem was that OTHER PEOPLE just kept doing rediculous things to piss me off! If THEY (i.e. my husband) would stop being such jerks, we could just laugh and live it up! Ummm.....now THAT is a warped version of reality, and that's all I'll say about it. I was a mean drunk, especially for the last 5 or 10 years of it.
Physically I totally let myself go. There in the last few years, I only showered and wore decent clothes if I absolutely had to. Otherwise it was just me and my sweats with a pony tail and no makeup and drinking. What a life.
What really amazes me is after reaching a point where all I could do was drink, and I hated myself enough for that to want to kill myself, WHY DID I STILL WANT TO DRINK???? Why would I even CONSIDER jeapardizing my new and sober life to "just see if I can have one?" But I've done it before just like you have. This disease/obsession/compulsion/addiction/whatever-you-like-to-call-it truly DOES involve insanity.
I am grateful to be sober and rebuilding a meaningful life. I am grateful that I no longer wake each day only to feel hopeless about the future. Staying sober takes WORK. But to me, it's worth it to not be that self loathing, hopeless drunk any more.
So Jaxx - is that the sort of honesty you were looking for?
DG
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