sun 6 december

[bear73]

Hey there - well I had 2 beers and smoked yesterday. I wasn't craving, I have a cold.
A guy asked if he could smoke in our car and in a split second I said yes and said I'll have one too. He then offered me a beer. I was overtaken with the this is a nice thing to do, group bonding feeling.
I worry that people on the team don't like me so I wasn't very relaxed,and was on edge.
I really like them but they're all very tight and it's hard to 'get in' as a newbie.
Drinking and smoking don't help - I am working on the urge surfing (well it wasn't even an urge, I wasn't craving) more of the reminding myself WHY I am quitting these things and pausing.
Toying with idea of saying no thanks I don't drink/smoke - but feel that may put me under more pressure.
I've had an anxious week and I'm very focused on what people think of me.

[SAUSAGE]

sun 6 december

Hi everyone

I'm hear again

I've not been doing too well - was AF again for a while, then started to feel I could drink on fri / sat / eves etc and then you know the story, it all spiraled out of control
Last night I drank a lot of white wine, and felt really really rough this morning - right now I never want to drink again - i'm off to a Christmas party at lunchtime but there will be no desire to drink i'm certain - one of the hosts is tee total too which helps although he always has a good range of non alcoholic and alcoholic drinks to choose from (as his wife drinks).

Anyway i'll be back later - have a good day all.

Sausage xx

[Leelou]

sun 6 december

Bear... you were not driving the car at the time were you??

Don't give a rats bra-suew about what other people think about you!

You need to like yourself. Thats what I am aware of in my life, I havn't liked myself for years, it's been a major part of my drinking issue too. I am working on that, and it's been a real eye-opener.

OK, where do I start?

Hello to everyone of you! My party is over! This is the first opportunity to get on the PC for a chat! I'm glad I canceled a hair appointment on Wednesday as after this weekend, I've got more greys to cover, so at least I didn't waste my money on a haircolour.

Our party is over... it was big! Jumping castle, kiddies having loads of fun, pressies, laughter, I finished cooking 1/2 hour after they started to arrive... busy busy, and the party lasted 12 hours!!!!! (3pm-3am)

(We then had another Xmas lunch today, AF, but oh, we were tired!)

At our party, I was too busy to even think about having a drink. Normally I would sip a chardy or more whilst cooking but didn't even think about it. Not even soda water!? Busy!!!

A very close girlfriend called before arriving, excited about the party.. she has been off the drink for a few years because she's been making babies. She was ready for a drink together. I couldn't help but giggle at the end of her conversation, to tell here that I've been off the drink for near 2 months. She cursed in disbelieve!

I was busy for hours, I'm also the paparazzi at our functions... so I go and snap some photos, video etc... enjoying and hostessing.

I managed to feel GREAT in my dress that I couldn't fit into for awhile, and felt really comfortable. I even accepted compliments that I seem to have lost weight... and saw people looking curiously, with a "what's different about her" kind of stare!

Yep, I was feeling great!

The Big One... "Did I drink"? Yes, I had a couple of glasses later in the evening.
Did I continue? No!
Did I drink like ol' times... nothing like it!
Will I after? No!

I felt so much better AF preparing for the party. And I had my wits about me all night, nothing like before.....bottle or two, and no memory etc..

Unfortunately, our party turned itself on its head later, and it ended up a near disaster.

Some of you may remember afew weeks ago of a Friday night that I felt really fragile, an odd night, near bedtime.. well, this weekend was another bigger, odd one.

It was interesting watching the AL take over my party.... it was a 12 hour one, so you can imagine that it took hold of many partygoers....I'm glad it wasn't me this time. Yes, I had a glass or two of wine, but I didn't feel the need to wipe myself off. This is new for me by the way! And, I'm not going to feel bad, cos' this was a one off situation, not my normal sneaky hiding a drink or many nights, or days!

Anyway... 3/4 way into the party... (AL encouraged no doubt, but emotionally brewing for months) we had trouble in camp and sadly, a family fight (to put it lightly), tears, sadness and frustration followed.

Our guests were our closest friends, and some were involved with the incident... and there are many dear friends, and family feeling like shit today because of what happened.

I don't think its fair to blurt out details, as it's not me I'm talking about, but it has rocked and shocked many dear people..

I love my friends and family dearly... this was a party to embrace our unique closeness, and we are suffering today for what happened. Sad.

I feel grateful that I was in a state that I could be aware as much as I was...
I feel grateful that I didn't struggle with the AL thoughts, and although I did have a drink, it was not the priority of the night, and I am still very aware that AF life seems to be the easiest way to travel through my life, it just takes all the crap that becomes sideeffects away and you can just be yourself. Real self. I'm saying that in pre-tense, as I'm not living it yet, but it's certainly enticing me to embrace it, and I'm seriously less scared about accepting its offer.

[bear73]

sun 6 december

Lee Lou sorry to hear about your party - no i wasn't driving would NEVER do that.
I need to adopt your attitude - i had 2 didn't want more BUT I really want to be af/sf.
im aware reasons i had 2 drinks were same as i usually drank loads - i know for me personally slop

[bear73]

sun 6 december

Ok rushing typing - slippery slope for me is what I was trying to say!
I can feel that I drank and smoked today and I just feel so much better without it all.

need to work on finding real self esteem - taken a batterigng emotionally at work last week and resorted to old coping techniques

[greeneyes]

sun 6 december

mORNING ABBERS!!

Oops.

First off... CONGRATULATIONS KATEH1 ON 2 YEARS!!! YOWSER!!!

Morning bear - sorry you are feeling rough. Fisrt thing that comes to mind is "Ennnhhh! Wrong answer!!" (doesnt' convey well in print, but you know what I mean). Watch for those knee jerk reactions. And if you have one and see it at the time you can put/pour it out. No law that you have to finish a bad choice. (Gosh, bossy greenie today..)

Leelou! Great sandwich-worthy story! I'm glad you were a success as well as your party! Even the incident, all things considered, is probably not a bad thing. I'm sure on some level it needed to happen and to involve the people it did. That those involved were all present (in the safety of your home) at the same time was probably not coincidental. Good on ya for handling it like a champ! Ldt's see a pic of you in your dress! (I'll show you my robe if you show me your dress :H)

Sausage, Those lessons are tough aren't they? It's a relief to KNOW you can never drink. This is a good time for an AF stint. Glad you're back!

I am going to practice what I preach today. Or kick myself in the arse. I have not been drinking enough water and too much coffee. I was cranky all day yesterday and the beast took the opportunity to pester the feckin' shit out of me all day. I will NEVER give in but it was like a hungry mosquito around my head. I wanted to be outside but tried to make myself decorate and thus it wasn't even fun. I need to exercise, I need to hydrate, I need that bubble bath, I need to cut my hair. I went to an impromptu dinner with friends I had not seen in a long time passing through town. I was offered a beer by a friend who didn't drink last time I saw him and actually stumbled over the words "No thanks, I don't drink anymore". I think the beast was trying to grab my tongue. Then I watched the worst netflix movie on the face of the planet. The evil twin must have ordered that one.

On a happy note...(surely you're groaning by now)... the nest is in the christmas tree with a little fake bird on it. High up.

Going to walk little doggie and go to the gym to swim then cut my hair and take a bubble bath. Then see what happens. A Tale of Two Cities is on PBS tonight. Alice In Wonderland is on SciFy at the same time. Wonder if I can learn how to record this afternoon?

Have a great day! And drink lots of water!

[Lavande]

sun 6 december

Good morning Abbers,

bear, do you think having the head cold possibly clouded your thinking? Maybe it would have been easier to turn down the beers & smokes if you had been feeling better. I'm with Leelou, I don't give a flying damn about what other people think of me.......that's BS! The only thing that matters is what YOU think

Leelou, big family parties is something else I have sworn off........they always end up badly - at least where my family is concerned. Too many people in one room with too many rigid, selfish opinions makes for a disaster everytime. I keep family gatherings quite small & manageable these days. Glad that you felt good about yourself though, you did so much work preparing everything. I hope your efforts were truely appreciated.

Sausage, good to see you. Sorry that you are having a hard time. Hope you can get back on track very soon.

Greenie, every time I see your new avatar I have to blink!!! Are those guys friends of yours?

I'm easing into some more decorating today - doing a little each day just makes it easier for me! I have way too much Christmas stuff & need to sort through everything.

Wishing everyone a relaxing Sunday!
Lav

[Marshy]

sun 6 december

Hello bear, Leelou, Sausage, Greenie, Lav and all to come,

Sounds like the Christmas madness has started. Hang on in there everyone! I think it must be difficult if people think they might be able to control their drinking - all that can I, can't I planning. There's no middle ground for me. I either don't drink or I wake up under a table somewhere covered in vomit. No grey areas at all! So although I found it very difficult to stop drinking, I knew that was my only choice. I think it must be hard if it's not black and white. Not harder or easier (I don't like it when I see people say they think being AF is "easier" - i*&!!@@**%! if only they knew), but hard nonetheless.

I've have a great day Christmas shopping! Who'da thunk it? Me and eight million other Londoners trying to get into the same shops. So I did a few hours recce work, went for a swim, then came home to order everything online. If I was 20 years younger, I'd cut out the middleman (the shops) and just buy everything online straight away. But I still like to go and get some inspiration by wandering round and have a poke and a prod. And I bought some really nice sweets, nougat and olives for a few stocking-fillers at an Italian market.

So I'm feeling rather smuggedy smug. Still have a bit to do. Now I just have to put my faith in the deliveries arriving on time :H

[Raven.joy]

sun 6 december

The christmas madness has truly begun at home and at work. U an exited at the prospect of a sober christmas it will be the first in many many years.

[Pamina]

sun 6 december

Evening abbers,

Aargggh - I just lost a long post.

I've had a good day, managed to do some work and need to do some more now.

So I'll only recap the last bit about how Marshy could only have had 8 million minus 1000 Londoners in those shops cause the rest were with me at Greenwich market. Yummy food, arts, crafts, thoroughly enjoyable start to the Christmas madness.

Be well everyone!

[Marshy]

sun 6 december

Pamina;770957 wrote: Marshy could only have had 8 million minus 1000 Londoners in those shops cause the rest were with me at Greenwich market. Yummy food, arts, crafts, thoroughly enjoyable start to the Christmas madness.

:hijacked: Only 1,000? You got off lightly! Oxford Street was mobbed, although that new crossing at Oxford Circus is a big improvement - I used to hate having to get through there. Still, at least I don't have to go there again this side of Chrimbo.