AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

[Marshy]

Hello abbers,

Cold here! The forecast is possible snow next week/this week, depending on whether your week starts on a Sunday or Monday.

Teeny, tiny vent warning:

Some of you might have seen a thread I started a couple of months ago about the problem of having my parents (who drink a lot) coming to visit me and having to buy booze for them and have it in my home etc.

The time has come! But one big difference is that they changed their plans and instead of them coming to stay with me, they wanted me to go and stay with them, and they might come here in January instead. So I have a bit of a reprieve but still have a boozy week of family get-togethers ahead. I'm going tomorrow.

I'm feeling quite contemplative about it. My relationship with my parents has never been good and at times when we were all drinking things could often turn unpleasant. But now I'm not drinking I hope I can keep things on track if they start to go awry. It's difficult as there's years of history involved, but I'd like to try to keep things on a good footing.

Since I stopped drinking I've been trying to figure out *why* our relationship has been so difficult (and it's not just me - my brother and sister are in the same boat, so it's not something that I've *done* that I could make amends for I don't think. But maybe it is - I don't really know). But I've come to realise that it's fruitless to think "why?". I need to just accept that that's the way things are and try to improve things while I can (they're getting on a bit and I'd really like to have a better relationship with them before they die, to put it bluntly).

Sounds easy, but I find it difficult to not rise to the bait when the arguments start. And *acceptance* is often a challenge in any situation, I find - I usually want to *do* something to try to change things.

Sorry for the ramble but this is one of my biggie issues, always has been, and something that I've never understood and has often been a source of pain.

Vent over.

I'm off to the gym to stock up on endorphins. Have a good day everyone.

[startingover]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Hi abbers.

Marshy I totally get everything you say, I could have written it myself. Not much help I know, but its one of my issues too. You arent alone with this one!

[Marshy]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Thanks Starting. It's a bugger, isn't it? I have several friends with the same problem. And I'm pretty sure that some of my mother's issues stem from the relationship she had with her mother... and so it goes on.

Right, really off to the gym now.

[bear73]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Hi there - Marshy, me too.

I love them,they love me but we're very different -they are very generous to me and my OH materially. But they mistrust people,don't see the value of friendship and always look on the glass half empty side. They aren't interested in me,don't respect my views, show interest in my activities. I tend to have friends' Christmas Day and see them for a couple of days after. Good luck Marshy.

Well I smoked LOTS yesterday and I had 2 beers. Didn't feel the urge for more but still not happy with myself. Derby practice today and I am shattered - mind you rest of team got v drunk last night on christmas do which i couldn't make - so maybe I'll be in better shape than most.
stressing about drink/not drink on Christmas Day - my good friend yesterday(who is coming) said - see how you feel on the day. Which is really helpful, and a way of saying it's up to me/no pressure. I also WANT to be af - speaking my goals out loud isn't helping me at the moment. We've got a couple of heavy drinkers coming now too Christmas Day - but most of us won't be.

I may invest in some nicotine patches/gum just to get me over this hump.
Good day y'all - I need to practice urge surfing.

[Doggygirl]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Good morning. Thank you Marshy for starting us off with that cheerful rainbow avatar of yours - quite different from the *shock* of Greenie's to kick us off yesterday! (in a good DOL sort of way) And hello to you Starty - it's always great to see you! Pop in here more often with your umm....festive squirrel!

Marshy I do remember your post and really feel for you. It seems that family issues are often complicated enough without throwing any alcoholism or other addiction on top of it all. I really admire the soul searching you have done, and the game plan you have arrived at, and your honest assessment of things - the difficulty with acceptance, and even the uncertainty about whether there is even an applicable amend in there someplace or not. I hope you have a peaceful week (somehow!) and that there is good in the visit. As you said, it's difficult to face that point where we realize they won't be here forever. May the serenity prayer and lots of stocked up endorphin power go with you our friend!

Maybe a good discussion of our holiday plans and then concerns we may have about them is a good topic for today! I feel pretty blessed as my plans are really simple this year. No big travel involved and not a lot of the sort of complexity that tends to add a lot of stress. Next Sunday we will be getting together with Mr. D's local side of the family, which is probably just the sibs & their spouses/kids. Mom & Dad live in FL and might show up as a surprise, but probably not as the last time they did that we had horrible weather and it didn't work out well. We don't do a gift exchange any more (it got silly with people mainly exchanging either gift cards or stupid stuff). We all bring appetizer / dessert type food so no pressure to bring a "sit down dinner" together at a specific moment in time. So it's pretty low key.

In past years I would have been resentful for weeks going into it. They are mainly non-drinkers with a couple of folks who might have a glass or two of wine. That's not my kind of drinking and the day would be frustrating either getting way drunker than I should (and acting resentful about it) if the party was at my house. Or, if the party was elsewhere, not having enough booze available to suit me, but still drinking The Most and feeling paranoid about that, probably with good reason. I never enjoyed myself that way - just couldn't wait for it to be over so I could drink. But rather than see my own problem in this, I just blamed the family members - they were too boring / religious / bitchy / whatever for me. Geez. Who was the bitch????

My own family get together will be very low key - probably on Christmas day. Our bigger deal this year was Thanksgiving when my FL brother came, and the extended family (aunts/uncles/cousins) hung out. This will be just Mom & Dad and probably my brother and nephew from OH. Dad will be stressed out and probably snap at my Mom 17503759 times which is always a wet blank of sorts on these things. But Marshy as you mentioned - I'm really working on acceptance. This issue is so mild compared to the family stress many others go through at this time of year. That behavior has been going on forever, and it's really my Mom's issue to deal with, and she does without complaint. (I think there is a reason she "forgets" her hearing aid sometimes LOL!)

Last holiday season was my first sober one. So I was edgy just because it was all new to me, and I was still feeling some urges and stress and fear of relapse. This season is much more comfortable. So for those of you who might be feeling some stress or edginess during your first AF holiday season, don't despair! The next one will probably feel much more comfortable. I'm GLAD I don't have to worry about feeding my addiction on top of everything else this year!

Happy AFness and UnHungness to all! And newbies are welcome to this thread!! (and all threads around here!) If you want some AF support one day at a time, AF Daily is a great place to be.

DG

[Chillgirl]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Does anyone have any cure for night sweats?
I get them for several nights when I stop drinking

[mario]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

hiya marshy i remember your post, your parents by now are probably set in there ways, And even though you have changed and did brilliant with your sobrity, they cant and wont see that, dont really no what to say,just make sure you put yourself first.:-)

[Cinders]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Hi everyone.

Marshy, my folks and I are very close, my family and I are very close. It makes me sad when I hear of others who have a difficult time with their family. I hope staying sober does help you step outside of the norm and see things in a different light and perhaps respond more appropriately than we do when we drink.

I am looking forward to being sober this Christmas. Last year was horrible. I ruined the day for everyone.

Chillgirl, the sweats are from the withdrawal. The cure is to stay AF and eventually they go away. It gets better. Hang in there!!

Hi DG and all.

Love,
Cindi

[mario]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

hi chill girl,getting the sweats when you stop drinking is a normal part of withdrawals,
The worst thing about night sweats is they are so uncomfortable.This might help, take a cool bath or shower and change into dry bedclothes.
Change your bedding. Make sure to use a water proof pad under the dry bedding to protect your mattress from being saturated from the sweats.
If the weather permits, open a bedroom window or use a fan to circulate air. Be careful to avoid a chill.:-)it will pass

[greeneyes]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Morning abbers!

Goodness, I'm full after a snack and a sandwich :H:H

Chillgirl... hello and :welcome: I'm afraid I don't have a solution. But I do have advice. Make sure you replenish that water by hydrating. Your body is trying to detox so help it out and down water by the bucket. Glad to have you here!

Marshy, as usual, I have a different take on things. I believe that in the big scheme of things, there IS a reason why. Sometimes we may get it, sometimes not. I think the important thing is to accept that there is rhyme and reason to events and circumstances and all is for the good whether it seems like it at the time or not. I'm going to post a link to a tool I am going to use. If you scroll towards the bottom of the page it is the "forgive your parents" tool. I have an issue with my father and I don't know what it is, but I don't want it there anymore. I believe that his situation and interaction with me is for me to resolve some false core belief I have. So I'm going to delve into it because I'm tired of it in my life. It sucks away my happy thought. Since it's 21 days I'll have to do it after Christmas. Radical Forgiveness Free Online Tools

Lunch was lovely with my friend. We ate at a white tablecloth place. I had perfect fried oysters, Charleston crab soup, seared sea scallops with rataouille and pearl pasta. Mine was a $31 lunch and no alcohol!

The birthday party for husb #1 was fun but tiring. Saw numerous old faces that didn't know I was divorced and had given up my evil ways. I felt sort of repetitive after a bit, but all in all it was good. Maybe brunch today before they head home.

Hi dg, starty cindi and mario. And mario, no your santa cannot join my entourage even if he takes his jacket off.

Time to clean house.

[Chillgirl]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Greeneyes thanks for the welcome,
your lunch sounds delicious... now im hungry!
I see your signature is from TUT, im a fellow adverturer

[Leelou]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Hi Abbers, I've been sleeping, nodding, vegging.... since I was here last and loving every minute of it.

I think my last post was after my Italian Cooking class and my tummy was suffering!

Since then, I did my last bootcamp training, had my work Xmas dinner (AF---Yipee_ ) and feeling really good.

My Xmas duties are over... and I'm winding down....

MARSHY ---- (Big hug from downunder for you) I just want to send strength to you when you need it when dealing with family.....I don't know your issues, but I feel your anguish.

(Following jibber is for Marshy.....)
Like many, I had family issues too, and in all honesty, my drinking has evolved from them.

My family issues started to affect my married life and I admitted that it changed me as a person, and this year, in March, I decided that I needed to vent, in order to save what I have now...my OWN beloved family!

My family all live far away, so I sent a letter...to each direct family member. It was part insanity when I pressed the SEND button, but I also knew it was time to speak out.

Do I feel good about sending it? NO!
But it was something that had to be said.
Do I feel sad that it hurt my parents, and some of my family members.... YES.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. Never ever.

But I was more saddened that my own life and my own family was suffering because of old issues. Some things needed to be out in the open in order for me to let go, and live in the here and now. NOT the past!

Where did my outburst lead to?? Well, all but one sibling was in the same boat, I was just the first to speak out.

The other sibling was oblivious to everything, and has been dealing with that since.

The other three of us, well, two of us are sharing and healing, one is in denial, and it's frick'n hard at times. BUT I know my only way forward in my own life is to let go of the past, hold the good times near, and let go of the bad times. I will never be able to go forward if I don't do that.

It's taken more than 6 months after that initial confrontation with my parents for me to finally start building a better life for me. Including the battle to be AF. Rocky road..

I hear you talking about protecting your parents age and status, and I respect that.

My Mother has Alzheimer's. I know my Dad has had to deal with much of what I wrote about completely on his own. I know it's been hard on him, and a part of me wants to give him a big hug, and wish I could stop the hurt I know I started!

The biggest regret is that I didn't have the guts to talk before I did! I do wish I had the strength to open up before I did. Four reasons why: myself, my own family; my siblings; my parents!

Marshy, I send you strength to be true to yourself whilst you share festive times with your family, and I send you strength to stand tall and proud amist the unknown festive winds!

They blow magically without our awareness~! Stay alert!

[Lavande]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Good morning all!

Marshy, I do remember the chat about your parents & the holidays! We have no parents left, they are all gone now & probably just as well because some of them were very difficult! Whenever I knew my MIL would be near me I had reinforce myself prior to her arrival.......... My Dad wasn't happy unless he was causing conflict.......some people are just difficult, there's no changing them. I found limiting my exposure to them was best. I wish you good luck in dealing with your difficult people!

My Christmas plans are simple. The kids are coming for dinner Christmas Eve. After dinner we will walk next door to visit my husband's brother & family - that's it! I will have no AL in the house. My husband keeps his beer in his garage - he can go drink it there. I won't stay next door more than a few minutes because there's always too much drinking goin on there. I made an ass of myself last year over there & that will never happen again!!!!!!!!!

Greetings to DG, Starty, Cindi, Mario, Greenie & Chillgirl.
Wishing everyone a terrific Sunday!

Lav

[Lavande]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

Hello to Leelou - sorry I missed you

[Raven.joy]

AF daily - Sunday, December 13th

just home from party where I was Af previously would always have drunk at such events but enjoyed this time without.