Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

[Doggygirl]

Hi everyone! Welcome to those who post in this weekly thread often, or sometimes, or never! Welcome newcomers! You do not need to be active in AA to participate in this thread. If you are considering AA and have questions or concerns, this is a great place to ask.

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From the end of last weeks thread...

Mary, it sounds like you had a nice and "present" time at the party. I can relate to everything on your list. All that energy going towards figuring out how to drink lots and cover it up in the process. I am so glad I don't live like that any more. And I bet you are enjoying NOT being hungover this morning! Especially at this busy time of year.

You are right about Step Coach and his 34 years being done 24 hours at a time. He always says "I'm just one drink or drug away from disaster like anybody else here." Another favorite saying of his is "if I don't take a drink today, I have a shot at tomorrow. If I drink today, I might NOT have a shot at tomorrow." A good reminder of the devastation that drinking can cause for us. It's like russian roulette.

I went to my frightfully early Monday meeting today with Sister. She is not in the greatest of health and one of her issues is serious lung problems. She was doing pretty good today but had a bad day yesterday with lots of difficulty breathing. When she talked to me today just to finalize the order in which we will continue our work, I think she was prioritizing things based on the possibility that she might not have a lot of time left. She didn't say that directly, but I think that's what was on her mind. That made me sad. But all I can do is just enjoy her company and her wisdom & teaching one day at a time while we can. We just never know what the future holds and sometimes it's the expected. Other times it's the unexpected.

The topic of the meeting sort of settled into a discussion about being judgemental, and how much trouble we get ourselves into when we judge others. It was a good discussion and many examples given hit close to home for me. Sister said "the more judgemental I am of someone, the more wrong I end up being about it." Another woman said something interesting. She said when she manages to NOT judge others, she spends a lot less energy and experiences less stress. It's mentally easier to just keep an open mind than it is to do "mental gymnastics" trying to size up another person and get them "figured out." I thought that was an interesting observation.

I always get something from these meetings!

Have a terrific day one and all. Strength and hope to anyone who is suffering today.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

DG: Thanks for the opening, & I was wondering what topic we might discuss. Judgementalism. That is one of my character defects which, on a daily basis, I ask God to remove. For me, judgementalism goes hand-in-hand w/arrogance & self-pity. Again, I must try to remember what the BB says about upset, hurt, & anger.
-There is something I did that contributed to it.
-There is something I must do to fix it...discussion, letting go & letting God, apology, etc.

I like what one of your members said about judgementalism taking up a lot of energy. It certainly takes up plenty of space in my head. There's a particular in-law family member that I am judgemental about. I've been praying to let it go. She has addictions just as I do. You'd think I'd be more compassionate, but that's not always the case. Anyhow, at least I'm working on it, & not just letting it go unchecked.

I'm busy but not frantically so. Once my daughter goes on holiday vaca, I'll have a bit of a respite from the b-sitting. I want to plan some nice things w/hubby.

Mary

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

Happy Monday all! Thank you all for the words of encouragement yesterday. I really appreciate it and really need it right now.

I went to the Sunday morn speaker meeting I used to go to all the time but havent been to for a bit. I felt different, can't quite explain why. There were not many attendee's there and the atmosphere felt different. Perhaps it was just me.

I have to say, I am really struggling right now. Not so much with remaining sober right now, but more of the fear of feeling vunerable to al.

I have been pretty sick for the last 2wks with a cold that has actually had me laid up in bed. My marriage is in the final thro's as I just can't do this anymore and I'm not sure how to end this. My father who is 83 and had numerous health problems is now having heart issues and will probably be having surgery this week. Because my siblings refuse to get along, our annual xmas family get together has been cancelled and it was the one highlite of the year for my Dad.

Enought pity party, thanks for listening. I would appreciate any input on what to expect (or not expect) from a sponser. I called my temp yesterday as she asked me to do, and she had forgotten who I was!!
I imagine she has a lot on her plate. But I am kind of needy right now and really wish I had a proper sponser.

So any insight as to what I should do or expect would greatly be appreciated.

Hugs...R2C

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

Hi Mary and R2C.

Mary - I too fight the judgemental beast. It manifests in a wide variety of ways. One that comes to mind is that I set arbitrary expectations of people, then if they don't live up to my little plan / design, well then I'm superior. Or they are an ass hat - one of the two. In particular I tend to like to expect people to "do something for me." That can range from feeling sorry for me (or some emotional response) to physically doing something for me (how dare Mr. Doggy leave a mess in the microwave!) When I set unreasonable expectations, then pass judgement when things don't go my way...well...who's fault is that?? (mine if there was any doubt!) For me, "life on life's terms" means I'm not setting expectations of everyone around me nor am I judging what they do. Don't know if that makes any sense! But in any case, it's a good topic for me too Mary.

R2C, I'm sorry you have so many difficult things going on right now. That's no fun, that's for sure. I can really relate to this part:

I have to say, I am really struggling right now. Not so much with remaining sober right now, but more of the fear of feeling vunerable to al.

That fear of relapse is one of the things that finally opened me to the notion that maybe AA was worth trying. Don't get me wrong - I have a healthy respect for AL and can NEVER afford to forget how cunning, baffling and powerful AL really is. (as Sister says, AL is ALWAYS out there doing poush ups in the parking lot staying strong and ready if we become weak!) But...respecting that fact is different than feeling fearful all the time.

I see my sponsor's job as teaching me and guiding me through the steps. Her job is not to be my friend or listen to all my problems beyond the point necessary to teach me the steps. We have grown closer with time, and we now occassionally chat about things that are outside the scope of the step study. But her role is not to be my buddy like I used to see that, which was someone who would listen to me talk about my problems and support my point of view 100% no matter what. Her role is to help me see where *I* have gone wrong. That can be hard at times, but for me, that is a huge part of how I'm getting my life back on track - taking responsibility where appropriate. And there are many places where that's appropriate!

If I want to feel like I'm part of things and close to people at meetings, then I need to go to those meetings on a regular basis. For me, there is always something to be gained from any meeting, whether I know people there or it's my first time and I'm a complete stranger in that group. Some meetings are more relevant than others to my concerns of the moment. But I think the reason I feel particularly close to the people I reference here quite a bit is because I've invested the time to participate regularly. It's much easier for me to GET a big hug (or whatever) when I need one, etc. if I have given of myself. This probably isn't true of all meetings, but the ones I go to have a core group of regular participants, and then there are many, many people who come and go. I love being part of the group and making friends. In order to experience that benefit, as one of my friends would say, "I had to get involved." The benefits have come for me after that.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not. I really think AA has a lot to offer. I would suggest continuing to call your temp sponsor daily (if that is what she suggested - that's often the suggestion) and give it some time to see how it goes. I would also suggest going to meetings regularly, and maybe trying out some different groups until you find one you feel you "click" with. Then try to make it a regular part of your schedule so you can get to know people and they can get to know you. At least that's what worked for me.

Sorry for yet another epic post!! Sending you a :l R2C. Sounds like it might be time to get busy in your life and make some changes???

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

Oh - one other thing I meant to mention for whatever it's worth. I have no idea if this is true in other places, but attendance at meetings has been down this month in both of my groups. I'm guessing some are busy with holiday stuff, and I'm guessing that others may be out drinking, sadly. But that happens. I also think that many people who are staying close to meetings a LOT this time of year have reasons that the holidays sadden them, as you do. So sometimes the atmosphere might be a little different and maybe unexpectedly UNfestive just due to the nature of things. I dunno - just a thought.

DG

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

:l:lThanks for the input DG...I always respect and value your thoughts. I know you have been there and done that so you have way more experience with being sober than I have.

I fully intend to go to more meetings. I will squeeze them in as I can...working 8-5 lends to a bit more difficulty, but I will make the effort. I spoke to temp sponser at lunch. She is open to working on the steps with me. She told me she has an "interesting" and "fun" way to work step 4, so I am looking forward to that. I told her I have no problem with AA's philosophy and "suggestions". I have read the Big Book several times and numerous other alcohol related books. I have spent hunreds of $$$ and hundreds hours practicing hypnosis trying to reach some inner part of my brain to beat this beast. I am sincere and I am desperate to find "me", not the person who has been hiding behind the drunken veil.

I just found out my Dad is scheduled for surgery for a pacemaker on Wed provided an issue with an infection in his elbow has been cleared up. I hope this surgery enables him to feel better.

So thank you for your insight DG and again :l:l to you.

R2C

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

[QUOTE=ready2change;774950I just found out my Dad is scheduled for surgery for a pacemaker on Wed provided an issue with an infection in his elbow has been cleared up. I hope this surgery enables him to feel better.


R2C
I hope the surgery works for him too. It really must be difficult to see him suffering and especially at this time of year. All the best to you my friend. Keep comin' back as they say.

DG

[gyco]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

hi everyone,interesting the judgemental thing,it is funny how we tend to hold onto old feelings,something tht was done to us years ag our brain just seems to hold onto the thot,,like u said ,even old timers say im one drink away from a drunk just like us new comers,,id like to no where tht analagy came from,im thinking a lot of them old timer s have gone out, and finally figured it out,they just cant drink,i was reading an article in a sports magazine on hits to the head,the mri showed a boxers brain and it looked like mush,after many years of being hit in the head then they took a mri of a heavy drinkers brain,it was the same,strikes me odd, tht knowing all this and the damage these 2 things do why would you want to do it,can a boxer just stop boxing , can a a true alchoholic stop drinking,i dont beleive so,my tht for the day and have a wonderful evening gyco

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

DG: I liked what you said about expectations being linked to judgementalism. I heard in a meeting: Expectations are disappointments that are waiting to happen.

R2C: I was really looking for reasons NOT to attend AA meetings in the beginning:
-comfort level not there.
-too many men.
-couldn't identify w/sharers.
-etc.
It was sheer desperation that kept me going. I also think my HP was telling me subliminally that it would get better. Working the steps helped, & my sponsor left calling up to me. I knew I would be dropped as a sponsee if I didn't. I can only say that after about 6 months, things got much better. Yes, there are meetings I prefer over others. But, I always walk out of a meeting w/some nugget of wisdom.

At some of my meetings, there is a question in the beginning: "Does anyone have a burning desire to share or some sobriety-threatening thoughts or issues?" I know you haven't thought about drinking, but that fear is there. It would probably spark an interesting discussion if you brought it up. It would probably take a lot of courage to do so, but it's something to think about.

Tonight's BB meeting was the chapter on working w/others. People want to help. People want to do 12th step work. I just have to ask for it in order to get it.

Mary

PS: I hope this post made sense.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

Everyone:

I've been reflecting on the notion of asking for help in AA. In the groups I attend, people don't push themselves on a newcomer. If you ask for help, it's there. I'm gradually starting the call people & ask for a little more closeness. It isn't easy for me, but I have to do it for my sobriety. Mary

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

Mary, thanks for your words of wisdom as well. I don't "think" I'm looking for reasons NOT to go...it's more of fitting it into my life. I don't feel the urgency to attend a meeting everyday, but a few a week is definately doable for me. And if I feel like drinking, I will definately be heading out to a meeting.

I spoke with temp sponsor yesterday and asked her if she knew of anyone willing to become more of a permanent sponser as I feel that is what I really need right now. She said there is every likelyhood that she will become my permanent sponser, it is just not her style to "foist" herself (her word) on new sponsee's until she see's if the match is there. I respect that.

I read "Student of Life" in the Big Book last nite. I remember DG mentioning that previously. It was a great story. I never tire of reading those stories over and over as it just reinforces where we can end up if we don't get a grip on our drinking.

So I am going to attend a 5:30 meeting tonight. It is a relatively new club for me. Was there last Saturday for the womens meeting. It will be interesting to have a mixed meeting that isn't a speaker meeting.

Happy Tuesday to all. We should find out today if my Dad's elbow is okay enough for him to have surgery tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Hugs...R2C:l:l

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

My sponsor was pretty non-demanding as well. I went through the steps w/him, & I speak to him now occasionally (he's a friend of my husb's). I would like to connect w/a woman to go through the steps again & to have as a guide. I have someone in mind who is about to retire. I'm going to speak to her after the first of the year about it.

I try to get to at least 3 meetings @ week. Less than that feels like too few. I have done as many as 4 - 5, but it's hard for me to sustain that. I do hear that meetings are essential from people who relapse. Almost to a person, they report that they had cut way down on meetings just prior to the relapse. It's so easy to let other things crowd out meetings. I'm finding that I must make them a committed part of my life.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[gyco]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

hi all,ready to change,your very wise,going to meetings everyday ,sometimes 2 to 3 times in a day,for me back in 2000,was to much,plus some of the groups i went to, the people belonged in institutions,not AA meetings,what is bottoming out,when you hide your drinking,end up in a gutter,from my experiences,we tend to go from one extreme to the next,even coming here can also lead to an addiction ,as you see many of the regulars have learned that, the answer has always been there,we no we needed help,so you get it,what ever works for oneself,when we learn to control are emotions and others opinions of us,that is when you will be on top of your game or making life better for yourself ,hope it helps,gyco

[gyco]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

i also beleive there is a saying in AA we will never not help a person with alchoholic tendencies,i dont beleive we are to pick and choose who s rite for us,by what your saying from your sponsor,he or she is passing judgement on how they will react if you ever started again,if it were me id keep looking,my sponsor has 35 years sobriety,he knows i work on my program,but he would never say no to me,he sits back and waits,and when i need his wisdom,he will share with me any time,sober or drrinking, if i were to drink again,i would never talk to him until i was sober again,out of respect,nothing like talking to a drunk,we parted ways for 10 years,but he was always there,gyco

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 12/14 - 12/20

Thanks for the insight Gyco. I'm not sure what will happen with this sponser, if even I will feel a connection with her? So for now, I just need to remain sober with all that is going on in my life.

I'm contemplating what "working the steps" means? And "it works if you work it"? Am I missing something, or being dense? Or have I just not gotten far enough into AA to understand what these phrases mean?

R2C