Do I or Don't I...

[drylifeahead]

Well, I am moved in now, and very very happy with the disaster I turned into a home. Kicking myself for not taking before and after pics : ).

I broke up with my long time (8ish years) boyfriend a week couple weeks ago. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's been a tough time lately
but...a month and a half ago I got an email from this man I have always had intense crazy feelings for, but our timing was never ever right. I played it very cool
with him, couldn't let him know how I felt. He came to help with the move..offered..how could I refuse?? As soon as our eyes met, omg, I was 'toast'. It has been
incredible since. This man, in the short time we've been together has spoiled me absolutely insanely. We've known eachother for 9 yrs.

I should tell you that my boyfriend and I got together under the not so best of situations. He was abusive...verbally, and until 2004 physically, when I was the
recipient of a black eye. He never touched me again that way...seeing his abuse for a couple months straightened him out...yes, I know, I should have left, but..
ughhh...thought I loved him. Am sure in a strange twisted way I did. No wonder I drank.

So...anyways, to get back to the title of my post do I or don't I...it means do I come back to MWO and admit I have gone to lunch and had a beer? Do I admit
I had a couple last night with this man I love, and that was all I wanted. I told him of my abstinence of 10 weeks...that I felt wonderful..amazing. That
although I had a few, I will stop again.

I feel sick about all the bravado speak I had been doing...then coming to admit I broke. Each time I read posts of someone who wasn't drinking, then broke,
it crushed me. But, reality is reality. Now I am there. I am not crying for help...just admitting. There are so many of you on here I adore...you don't even know who
you are. I just follow your posts...respond, and although I only 'know' you in the 'cyber' world, consider you friends.

Now where do I go from here. I'm with THE love of my life...he's made it clear to me he has always loved me, but had no idea how much until we were together. That
he's always had me in his mind/thoughts over the years, but he knew also the timing wasn't right. We're just running with it...embracing it..loving each other. And, this
man is simply amazing with my children.

Just wanted to update you...haven't been here for a bit...just got internet hooked up. Was on briefly at a friends the other night to respond to a post I read. I guess
I don't really know what it is I am asking..I miss you guys, and the banter.

Thoughts?
And yes I remember my post of expecting a verbal ass kicking if..

DLA :h:l:h

[UrbanFool]

Do I or Don't I...

I don't think that having a drink or two is falling off the wagon. I think that being wasted for a week or two is falling off the wagon.

As long as you recognize that you can start the pattern up again full force and make a conscious decision to STOP it, then you're ahead.

And congratulations! I had a guy in Massachusetts I had a crush on for years, and I finally got married, and THEN he tells me he had a crush on me. UGH! Oh well. He owned a pizza parlor too. How cool is that?

Take it slow and easy though!

[startingover]

Do I or Don't I...

Hi there DLA,
Firstly I loved your post, your happiness absolutely shines through.
Secondly, only you can decide whats right for you at any given time in your life. No one else can possibly know that.
Thirdly, this is a wonderful place for support and friendship and I think that lifes battles are made much easier with that.
So all in all, its great to see you and long may your good fortune continue.
Oh, and just be aware that its very possible to slip back into our old ways very easily.

[drylifeahead]

Do I or Don't I...

Thank you for responding Urban Fool...I hear you loud and clear.

I should also tell you the boyfriend I moved away from lives now 3 plus hours away. Guess in the back of my mind I knew eventually I would escape that
relationship much easier if I moved away...which turned out to be true. We saw eachother maybe once a month...sometimes twice.

The man I am absolutely head over heels for lives 2 hours away. When did life get so complicated? In a way I love the fact we/I can jump on the highway and
see eachother, and when we can't...we miss eachother. Last boy/f I moved in with right away. Now I love the missing new boy/f part. Won't move in with him
anytime soon...trying to not jump the gun although he has mentioned...I really need some me/independance time. Plus damn...I want to enjoy new place I worked so hard
for.

startingover you are so entirely right about slipping into our old ways so easily. That is why even though I feel ok, I want to go right back into abstinence. I have
decided to suck it up so to speak, come back here, make my admission, and go from there. It's too easy just to not log on, to not face our demons until they are out
of control...I do not want to go there. So, today is day 1 for me. I hate having to go to the control panel and remove my hard earned Oct 3rd in my signature, but I will.

DLA

[greeneyes]

Do I or Don't I...

I'm so glad to hear from you! I had been wondering (not worried, wondering )

Starty pretty much summed up my thoughts. Enjoy yourself, but be very careful!

[Lavande]

Do I or Don't I...

DLA,

Good to hear you are happy & settling in! BY all means, stay close so we can continue supporting each other - that's what MWO is all about

I'm with Greenie, enjoy yourself but be careful! Don't let AL slither back into your life & mess things up. You've worked very hard to get to this point = protect your peace & freedom!

Wishing you the best!

Lav

[Sheepish]

Do I or Don't I...

Dear DryLife
I don't post much here in the AF section because I am not always- however, I read everyday and value what the regulars around here contribute. I have read your story for the past 10 weeks or so- and have been so moved and happy for you as you worked so hard to make a better life for you and your child- by looking at your Alcohol use and by taking the big step of moving out of a less than perfect situation. That is a lot of ACTION.
So- as an outsider, what I see is this: since you have given up the AL, SO MANY POSITIVE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. You found a great apartment, you have reconnected with a past love, and you seem to be getting more personally stronger and centered as time goes by. (I agree- take it slow with new guy. Give yourself some time to 'miss each other'....) Somehow, maybe this is all connected to your STOPPING drinking. The good things coming into your life. Because you had room for them and time to think about them, wish for them, plan for them and DO THEM.
This is just an observation- and mainly because I see when i do not drink for periods of time I am always interested at the kinds of things that 'happen' to me...(or that I attract...)
I have no idea how or why this is true- but I am beginning to believe it more and more- without AL as a part of life, life is better and BIGGER- and your story just seemed to be a fine example of the positive things that can occur when AL is not a part of the equation.
Thank you for sharing your journey-
-Sheep

PS_ and no I do not think at all that you 'broke' by drinking- it is part of your path. I seems that you are looking at it as you have everything else and evaluating it's place. That is for you to decide. I think you seem like a very wise person.

[drylifeahead]

Do I or Don't I...

Thank you greeneyes :l

Lavande I need to be here with you and everyone else!! MWO has been such a huge part of my life, since the beginning of Oct and I think of you all always. Geeez..
even while shopping, cleaning the floors, taking a walk, MWO is always 'there'. My new addiction , but a welcomed one.

Sheepish, I am blown away by your post!! Thank you so very much. I am going to print it off as a solid reminder to why I am here, and what has happened to me as a result.
You are so entirely correct..3 months ago I would never ever have had the strength to go through and do what I have done. I walk around now smiling randomly. It's
incredible how my life has turned around. Just unbelievable. I am THE luckiest woman in the world...well :H:H, to me anyways!!

DLA :h

[Doggygirl]

Do I or Don't I...

Hi DLA! I was just thinking about you the last few days. Wow - exciting news about your great new place and new love connection and all the positive stuff!

As starty said and was echoed, only YOU can figure out what's best for YOU. As I read your news and about your choice to drink, I was thinking along the lines that Sheepish posted. (beautiful post Sheepish - I know I couldn't have put it so well!) In fact one of the guys at AA this morning said "bad things didn't happen every time I drank. But every time bad things happened, alcohol was present." He wasn't saying that AL caused his problems or that his problems caused him to drink. He just makes the connection that for him, when bad things have been going on in his life, there is good old AL in the picture too.

I'm guessing that the question isn't so much "what about those beers" as it might be "what shall I do in the future? I've become a huge fan of one day at a time. But in my case, I'm not willing to proactively consider drinking just becuase I know first hand how easy it is for me to slide back down the slippery, and in my case incredibly steep and fast slope. Good things have come to me since getting sober and I'm not going to willingly put any of that at risk.

Now - enough of the serious stuff. Is new BF as hot as new LL???? Inquiring DOL's want to know. I've missed you!

DG

[drylifeahead]

Do I or Don't I...

In fact one of the guys at AA this morning said "bad things didn't happen every time I drank. But every time bad things happened, alcohol was present."
He wasn't saying that AL caused his problems or that his problems caused him to drink. He just makes the connection that for him, when bad things
have been going on in his life, there is good old AL in the picture too.

I agree, bad things do happen when AL in the picture and the connection. Never ever fails for me...I make bad bad choices, and drink them away...numb myself. Then do it again.
And again, and again....I won't/can't let this happen, not now, not ever. I have never been soo happy in my life (with the exception of the birth of my boys)
It's actually surreal for me what is going on...

I have to say, I am a big part of the camp that holds firm to the feeling that even one sip of AL is a fall. But, I am climbing back on, knowing if I don't I will
lose my new life. New boy/f has no idea of what I can be like when I drink too much. Even if I told him, I know he wouldn't believe me, as I am so entirely
different sober. He's never seen me in a 'mood', and I intend to keep it that way. That is something I can control at least.

It was my choice to drink. It was stupid, entirely dumb. I do not 'need' it anymore...nothing bad happened..I consider myself fortunate to recognize the need to stop
and not open another which was unheard of a few months ago. I can not go to moderation, can not fool myself into thinking that just because I 'got away with it'
that this is something I can always do.

So...enough of the serious talk Doggygirl ...for the DOLs out there..imagine that guy McGuyver from that show I can't remember the name of. Boy/f is HOT times 10...
looks like that actor, and that we are now devoted to eachother after all these years makes me so happy. I'm so glad we could not have been together before, I wasn't ready. I am now. He is sweet, considerate, thoughtful, and has me wrapped around his finger.
Makes my heart skip a beat when I think of him...told him to knock it down for me a notch or two!!!!!!!!!! :H:H

Hot LL? Doesn't even come close...will do my own home maintenance now...Errrr, no will call b/f as a damsel in distress!!! :cheering:
I missed you too..

DLA :l