Thursday, September 28th

[gabby]

Hi guys,
Well you guys know how I get ta thinkin. And in spite of the sad stuff that's been goin on in my head here lately. Bambs goin on a kaboots trip. (still sad) And today...the 19th anniversary of my mom's trip up to heaven. Ok good thing for her....but I sure do miss her still.

Funny, cuz here I am a grown woman....20 yrs later, but when I get blue, she is still who I wish I could run to.
When my kids drive me nuts, sure wish I could pick up the phone and give a call. Just to rant, and hear her laugh and remind me of what I did to her. When things were the toughest with my divorce...man I wish I had her to cry a river on her shoulder.

Even when I get to be sick...I say that with a giggle, cuz when do moms get to be sick? You know how it is...when your sick ya still dont get to be sick, cuz somebody else surely is gonna be or still sick and your still caring for them. So when I get to be sick...I still want to call mom for her special chicken noodle soup. The kind that she taught me how to make, but I would rather she come and make it for me anyway.

Anyway....grief is such an unbelievable thing to work through. Painful, yet amazing and profound. So much you can learn from it if you allow yourself. I have written a post to Allie but not yet sent it. It might be more for myself. We all agree how it seems to be a journal here. An animated one. I could go on and on about my mom, But....my thought here is.....

PROGRESS -- look where you are today compared to where you used to be or have been.
Here in absville like we have all agreed on isnt to be perfect. (like Mack thinks Kathy is) But it is our striving to be as AF as we can be, and to make as much progress as we are capable of.


So for my grief...yes it has gotten easier. But NO.....after 19 years....it has not gone away. I feel like I have only learned to live with it. And it does seem to sneak up on me at times and bite. Especially around the anniversary. And that I know is coming yet it still bites.

But the big BUT is....
I am not drinking at all. Can ya believe that. This typically is what I use alcohol to help me numb out. I would have been drinkin at least a 6pk every night this week. At least!
So in spite of it all. I am counting my blessings that this week with my heavy heart.....I am still alcohol free.

And I think that means today is happy.


So that's what my post is about today.

Thinking about something that has happened this month that if the same thing happened anther time and you didn't live in absville...that you would have handled it different and drank.

hummm.....now I got ya thinkin. It can be happy or sad or anything. Or it can be that your arent drinkin as much too.


Just share your progress for the month.

Big Smiles to everyone. Gabby

[Guest]

Thursday, September 28th

Gabby,
G'day (yes, you got it right Mike)

Today is the last day of this year for me. Tomorrow is my birthday. 21 again!!!!! I can think of numerous occasions when this day would be the day I stocked up on my alcoholic supplies. No more. Huge change. Plan for the morrow is for fun in the sea and a dress up dinner at home. Simple but fun.

It was this time last year that I came to this site (the day before my birthday). That feels like a lifetime ago. Time is funny like that. Gabs, 19 is my lucky number and you talk about it being 19 years ago that your mum died. I"m not saying that is lucky.. but maybe this year you will process more of your grief and live with the love of your mum in your heart.

Hugs and smootches from me today.
Brigid

[lushy]

Thursday, September 28th

Gabby, your post made me weep. I lost my dear sweet mother, who I was so incredibly close to, a year-and-a-half ago. I also had a major, major session in therapy today surrounding my childhood and my mother, etc., (I have never been to therapy before until three weeks ago). I really NEED for this pain to go away. I feel your pain about needing to talk to your mom and needing to reach out to her because truly I think mothers know us best out of anyone (if we were lucky to get a really good mom. Part of my problem is that most of my friends have really rocky relationships with theirs so they do not understand). God, I hope this gets better because at times it does bring me to drink and I admire the hell out of you for being able to work through this pain without drinking. KUDOS TO YOU!!!!!! I don't know if by chance you saw Oprah today but she had Elizabeth Edwards on there (wife of John Edwards who, in my opinion, should be our VP right now but that's a whole other story). Their son was killed in a car accident and she has had breast cancer and she recently wrote a book. She said that after losing her son she found much solace in an online support site (much like ours) and there was a man on there mourning the death of his mother so much yet at the same time his wife was getting ready to give birth to their first child. Elizabeth ended up writing him an inspirational e-mail that she wrote in her book, and read on Oprah today, that was the single most beautiful thing I have ever heard. If you have a chance to at least go to the bookstore and seek out this chapter you really must. It was a letter from a mother who has passed on to her child and it was so amazing. Sorry, not to bring everyone down but today has been a very profound day for me in many ways and Gabby's post really hit home. We are lucky to have each other even though we do not know each other well......your irregular regular!! Hugs!

[Mackeral]

Thursday, September 28th

Good Morning Absville,
Gabby Brigid, Lush.....Gabby, i havent been through what you did at such a young age...This is one of the times i want to be able to know just the right thing to say...but i dont. No wonder you are so close to your dad...I think you should make yourself some chicken noodle soup today. I will be thinking of you today and if you need a chat..you know where i am:l
Brigid, Your plan for tomorrow sounds excellent...I dont remember most of my birthdays because its on new years day...and i'd celebrate at midnight because nobody ever felt like doing much the next day....A sober birthday doing something you really like...and remembering it sounds so good.....Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
Lush, the same goes for you as i said to Gabby...i have no experiance in this..A year and a half ago is not a long time...I am thinking of you too:l

I can totally understand what R.J. said....In fact, if i were in her shoes i couldnt find another alternative....Catch 22 for her also....
Okay...be back on later...will answer your topic then Gabbs...Take care today....Love Macks

[vinophile]

Thursday, September 28th

Good Morning,
Gabby I'm sorry that your mom could not have been here for longer to help you through the hard times. I hope you can celebrate the sad anniversary today by thinking about what a wonderful person your mom created in you. And I'm sure she is looking down proudly on her 3 grandsons. My dad died last year and when I have a decision to make I just think of what I believe he would be saying to me. Then I know it will be the right choice. I have many decisions to make regarding the care of my mother(who is showing signs of senile dementia) so I will be "asking" my father a lot of questions in the near future.
Happy Anniversary to you Brigid!!!One year you have been sober !!!!You are a guiding light here . I greatly appreciate your courage,both in your firm committment to abstinence and in your postings to us.You are the one who tells us what we frequently don't want to hear but must acknowledge if we are going to be sober and healthy individuals.
I wish you all a great weekend. I'm off to upstate NY. At least a 6 hour ride but hopefully the foliage will be pretty.
Stay strong. I'll think of you all.
Janety

[nomorewine]

Thursday, September 28th

Hi everyone.

I started here quite a while ago and was on and off and did have success (when I did what I was supposed to). I got away from here for a number of reasons and tried to go it alone. That doesn't work. At all.

I am tired and frustrated and so very unhappy with myself and my life. I continue to disappoint myself and others (I think) on a routine basis. I thought I had control of things but I really have control of nothing. I am my own worst enemy. I'm tired of always starting over. But I need to start over....AGAIN.

Reading this thread makes me miss my Dad. He died 9 years ago (it will be 9 years in mid-Oct). It still feels like yesterday. I was closer to him than anyone else on the earth and his loss still affects me each day.

Help. I am just a mess.

[vinophile]

Thursday, September 28th

Lush and Macks,
Somhow I missed both your posts . Must have scrolled down too fast.
i can't imagine losing a child!!!!! It puts my petty woes in perspective!!!
Have a great weekend all
Janet( who can't type)

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

Brigid,
Happy Anniversary! That is so cool.
Yes, a guiding light indeed. We are so lucky to have you on board still after one whole year. What an inspiration for the rest of us
And Happy Birthday to you too. 21 of course. We wont turn ya in to the Absville Police for buyin alcohol all those years underage.

I love your birthday plans. I love simple. Simple just make everything so much more simple.
Thank you for you kind sentiments about my mom. I have to say....if it werent for cute ole mom bein in my heart....ahhh....it would be such a sad thing. So many times....(ok now heres looney) but I truly would hear her soft voice, in my heart just when I needed it. I'm so glad I still carry her in my heart. And I have always said to my sons....they are lucky grandma went to heaven when she did....cuz man do they ever have one heck of a special guardian angel lookin after them.
Reminds me of that song by Wyona Judd. Right now I cant think of the name. Its about that.
And that's anther thing. I see mom in all three of my sons. One son has her beautiful green eyes. Anther son has her mouth....funny huh? But that equals out to her smile.
And get this....that son was born on Mothers Day mornin. All bright and fresh! Now what does that tell ya?
There he was all born just a few hours old...and me havin one of those moments when I gave birth to my second son and wishin my mom was there. And low and behold....I look down at that brand new cute little baby's face, and there was my moms smile lookin right up at me. I swear.
See....it just goes to show ya....our people that we love....they dont really go away. They do live on in us and around us. We just gotta look.
Anyway guys....I'm not tryin to depress ya. It feels good to share this stuff. If it is makin you to sad......just think of green slimey burgers that Macks kid wiped on his new carpet....k? There.....made ya laugh! And speakin of laughter.....my oldest kid, my first son has my mothers sence of humor and so that is good. He always makes me laugh.

Lush....I hope your laughing too.

And Mack....dont worry about sayin the right thing.....you need to tend to your carpet.

Janet, Thanks for the kind words. And I agree....Mom sees this stuff from heaven. And I know she was laughin just now too.

No more, glad your back. Still have your house here in Absville, just the way ya left it. Dont worry about bein a mess. Join the crowd.

And everyone else.....I'll be talkin to ya later. Love ya all, gabbs

[sujul]

Thursday, September 28th

Good Morning Absville--
I haven't had to deal with losing a parent (that's a sad "yet") so I can only imagine how it must feel...and, no, I don't think pain like that every goes away, it just gets a bit more bearable as time goes on. I have lost very close friends and I know that I think of them all the time, but of course it's not the same as losing a parent....Gabby, Lush, Janet, NoMore, I'm thinking of you...:l

NoMore, you sound as if you're having a hard time at the moment and that is definitely something I can very much relate to....and I know how all the encouraging words in the world hardly seem to matter when you're feeling so down...you mention having got away from here and how that hasn't worked for you--so I'm glad you're back! We never REALLY "start over" because we've got all that accumulated experience (good AND bad) to help us move forward...hope to see you here more often. I don't post as often as I did when I first started here in May, but I KNOW that without Absville I would have had a MUCH harder time....

Brigid, congratulations on your Anniversary! You should be very proud of yourself! I always look forward to your quiet wisdom.... and it sounds like you have a lovely way to celebrate...

Macks--what can I say! You posts are always loving and thoughtful--you're the best! Wow, a sober birthday/New Year--what a great way to tell the universe that we're SERIOUS, goshdarnit! (Note: I would never actually SAY "goshdarnit"! )

Okay--where are those others? Nancy? Mike? Barb? Lisa? Phil? Neil? And, KATHY?? Just to name a few....and everyone else who I've missed....(and probably folks are posting as we "speak" since I take HOURS to write mine... )

I'll get back to your question later, Gabs--just realized it really HAS been HOURS since I started this...,
:h
susan

[mikeupnorth]

Thursday, September 28th

My dad died 9 years ago. Over that time, the grief has changed quite a bit. There is still an emptiness in my life where he used to be; there's still a sense of loss; there's still a sense that he should be here. Most of all, I wish I could have him back for just a little while to talk to him, ask his advice, tell him how much I love and respect him. But somehow I think that now that he's on the "other side" he's beyond the human limitations, and already knows those things. He's beyond space and time, and in a way, he and I and the rest of our family are already reunited (in what to me is the future, but to him is the perpetual present). OK I'm getting off into metaphysics here.... All that is to say that I still love and miss my Dad but have learned to deal with the fact that he's moved on. It is one of the hardest things to deal with, but it is part of life and you somehow do it. Gabby I know how these anniversaries can be -- I remember them all -- and you're in my thoughts today.

As for where I am this month because of Abbsville/MWO. Hmm. I can say that I have definitely made more progress this month in dealing with my alcohol problem than I have in YEARS. And mind you I recognized that I had this problem in around 1995.... started trying to cut back in 1998. Made my first attempt at AA in 2000. So I've been working at this for a while now. Here are the highlights:

• Feel stronger in my commitment to remain AF
• Out of 28 days this month, have had 23 AF so far. On average I was drinking a fifth of vodka every other day prior to September 1.Have not missed or been late for workHaving fewer physical cravings (still dealing with psychological ones)

Also, my "demon" almost got the better of me yesterday. From about 3 PM until 5 PM I was feeling very stressed and the thought got stuck in my head that a drink would do me good. I figured I could have wine and since I'm on topamax (200 mg now) I could probably stick to just a little (a bottle, ha ha, moderate drinking). So I bought it on the way home. I debated drinking it..... and then ate a sandwich and went to an AA meeting instead. Today I'm going to give the wine to a co-worker (who doesn't have any problems with drinking) as a gift. I came THAT CLOSE to giving in. But I also won the fight at the last minute. I couldn't have done that a month ago.

Tonight after work I have my appointment with the hypnotherapist. We'll see how that goes.

Take care, good people. Hope you are all doing great. And Brigid, an early happy birthday to ya. Your plans sound wonderful.

Mike

[southernbelle47]

Thursday, September 28th

Hi everyone,

Still a little down here.............stressed about the wedding this weekend.
I will be happy to see next week come around. I'll be fine after the dinner tomorrow night, I think. It's all planned and taken care of for me so all I have to do is put candles on the tables and say a quick welcome. I'm excited...just hate the waiting. I feel like theres something I'm forgetting!
I have to go pack and then getting my nails done.

I would like to share that my Dad has been gone over thirty years and my Mom ten.....I still think about calling her to share something. Told my hubby the other day that is a shame that you don't have your parents longer as an adult because thats when you begin to like and understand them.

I'm glad that Gabby has the key to my wine storage....been thinking about it too much lately. Thanks Gabby.

Nancy & Belle:l

[YoungAtHeart]

Thursday, September 28th

Hi All,

I think that the topic of progress is evolving into the topic of mourning. This might be fortunate, since I don't have a whole lot to say yet about progress, given the events of this past weekend. I will say that I have have been exceedingly puzzled about why I have been having a hard time staying awake during the daytime (my poor clients:eeks: ), until I realized last night that going back to my full dose of topa was too much, after the haphazard way I've been taking it recently! So now I'm just taking 50mg in the morning and 100mg at night, and this weekend I'll go back to the full dose (200mg) again. Yikes!

Gabbs, sorry about your mom. You lost her at a young age, and that must have been so hard. It doesn't really matter that you're all grown up now--we all still have a child inside (however hidden) that wants nurturing, especially if we're not feeling well. Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman. It's wonderful that you can cope with your feelings instead of numbing them out.

Happy Birthday Brigid! Gabbs is right, your plans sound like a wonderful and simple celebration. And happy one-year anniversary for finding MWO, too! Thanks for everything you give to us all here!

Lush, I wish I could give you a big long hug and let you cry. A year and a half isn't very long at all when you're missing someone like your mom! Give yourself some time to mourn, love. You're new at grieving and you're new at trying to stop drinking. Complete success at this point would be difficult, to say the least! Just keep on trying. Just keep dealing with the feelings as best you can, and realize that all this pain is NORMAL!

I'm one of those ones that Lush speaks about who had a very rocky relationship with their moms, but being a therapist and having had a lot of therapy has turned it around for me. Of course, it has been an extreme trial over the years for her, because I have also bullied her into looking at things she didn't want to look at, but we have come through. We get along very well now, and I like to tease her. I say, "Did you EVER BELIEVE that I would be a comfort to you in your old age???" She always giggles and says, "NO! I wouln't have believed it!" But I know that I do comfort her, and she comforts me as well. She is 80 now, and I dread the day she passes. Crud, now I'm crying too.

You know Macks, even if you don't know what to say, your empathy always manages to come through! Don't know what we'd do around here without our Macks!!

Janet, hope your drive is lovely. I like to think of you "talking" to your Dad. My mom is still pretty firm in her mind, but I am thinking of you with your mom. I don't know how long it will be before I am following in your footsteps. My thoughts are with you, love!

NoMore, I responded to your post on GD, but I welcome you back here. We'll all support you as you pull yourself back together again. I have no stellar track record myself, but being in Absville is such an inspiration to me. As Gabbs said, your house is still here!

And dear Susan, I'm glad to know that there is another here who takes hours to write posts!!! Like lush, I would like to get PAID for the amount of time I spend here! But I always love it when I see those bold, blue letters on my screen. I hope things are going well with your classes!

I have just exchanged a flurry of e-mails with my ex, as we prepare to sign a final agreement. He is flipping out, because this will be considered a Judgment, just as if we went to court. Accountability, right? Anyway, he has been rather manipulative, first trying anger, which I countered, then trying contrition, to which I responded with neutrality, and lastly, with guilt-tripping (I'm disappointed in you......blah, blah, blah). He's disappointed in ME?? It's very laughable. At any rate, it might be a difficult few weeks, but I am very ready to play hard ball, and for once, I have the trump cards. My goal is to get this finished and not have to deal with him anymore.

I have felt very sad reading the posts this morning, as several annivrsaries have just passed for me, too. My half-brother David, died on Sept, 20, 1969, 37 years ago. I was too busy to pay it that much mind this year, although I usually light candles every year. The next day is my father's birthday. I usually light candles then too. I was trying to think about my father's death (back in 1993). It is very hard for me to feel that much about it, and I was wondering why when I was reading these posts today. Then I realized that my grieving for my father's death was hijacked by my separation and divorce. It was around this time of year in 1993 when my ex announced that he wasn't sure that he loved me anymore. He didn't really announce it--he was just acting unusual, so I backed him into a corner and finally got it out of him. Great timing huh? So I feel that my feelings about my father's death are hopelessly tangled up in all of the upheaval that followed with my ex's admission and our separation the following spring. All of that trauma and drama have hopelessly confused the whole issue of mourning my father's death. He loved my ex a lot, like a son he'd never had, and later, my mom would often say, "Your father would be turning in his grave!" Geez, this is sad!

Anyway, thanks for letting me share this. Someone apologized earlier for "bringing people down". Please don't apologize. Absville is often a funny, loving, and upbeat place, but we have to have room for the sadness here too. We often talk about numbing our feelings with alcohol. Well, shouldn't we be able to talk about them here then? If we can't, then aren't we just reinforcing the fact that sad, angry and difficult feelings can only be confided to a shrink or stuffed in a bottle???

Okay, enough for now.

Lots of love to all!:l :h
Kathy

PS: Hi Nancy! Missed your post. Ain't it the truth about parents! I always appreciated my dad, but I am sure glad that my mom has lived this long, cause I'm having a good time with her. In some ways, she bloomed after my dad died, because he was always more outgoing and easygoing than she. In some ways, his death gave her a chance to be appreciated for HER GIFTS. Good luck with the wedding. It will all be fine! Hang on to those keys, Gabby!

Hi Mike! You made a good summary of your progress! And good for you on not drinking the wine and now giving it away. You are doing wonderfully, I think. I love your thoughts on your dad! Keep on sharing, dear friend!

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

Susan, I always agree with everything you say. lol Really, I truly love your posts. There is so much in them. And me too...I take a lot of time on here. Funny thing, wish it could be more. ha

Mike, I can relate to the way you put that. And just wanting one more talk. But then....I wonder if we would still want one more talk?
Probably I would. You know....gabby.

Nancy, my heart goes out to ya. That wedding stuff is hard!
I will be glad for ya too...when its next week.

And Kath....oh my gosh! I dont know how you can be so busy and still pull of your big huge posts. You must type fast.
But whatever it is....I'm glad you can do it. Your a rock here in Absville.
Thanks for all your wisdom.

And everyone else too....Come on where are ya? I have a game I wanna play. Who wants to join??????????? gabby

[wwbarb]

Thursday, September 28th

Hello, all.

Haven't had to deal with losing my parents yet. My father and I are not close at all (too much alike) and I don't talk to Mom that much. My hubby's Dad is very sick - three years ago, they gave him two to five years. Now, he is entirely bed-ridden (asbestos poisioning I believe it is). We used to be very good friends. I haven't seen him in a while, so I am going to visit this weekend (hubby tries to go at least every other weekend). My heart goes out to those of you who have. Some of my friends have lost their husbands (one to end liver disease, which is probably why I started to worry about my drinking). I lost a good, loving friend to breast cancer earlier this year. It used to be my friend's grandparents and parents that we were losing; now, it's my friends.

So, my boss calls me yesterday to tell me how wonderful I am (TWICE) and what great work I do and how I add so much to the organization. Either he has a split personality or he "got some from the little Mrs. the night before".

Nancy, try not to go nuts over the wedding. Before you know it, it will be over.

Kathy, good for you for not letting the ex push your buttons. I've been divorced twice. The second time, he made it his life's passion to make my life miserable. It cost him his son (he also paid with his liver along the way).

Mack, I wouldn't want to be in RJs shoes either. The whole thing is sad.

Mike, you made incredible strides. Thanks for the inspiration (that goes for all of you.

No more, I am in the same boat. I get a little closer each day to jumping into Absville with both feet. Just take it one step at a time.

If I missed anyone, I'm sorry. Would love to answer to the topic, but I forgot what it was after this long post.

I really should do some work today - just don't feel like it!!

Barb

[xtexan]

Thursday, September 28th

Hello everyone:

Though I would drop in for a short bit here. Turns out that we shut down plant operations for today and tomorrow, because of a total physical inventory. So sitting here at home, starting the day slowly and reading many posts here.

I see that folks here are talking about grief and loss. Don't really have much to say on this subject, as I am lucky that I still have both parents and immediate family still flowing through this mortal coil.

Maybe one thing I could add, is that perhaps I have developed a intensely spiritual view of things as related to loss. Loss of a love, or loss because of death. I am relunctant to speak of my spiritual beliefs in any great detail, because it seems to cause such dissention among others who hold to theirs just as tightly.

You know the old saw....never speak of politics or religion while drinking. It seems to be the rule for public internet forums as well. Being a member of other forums, related to my personal hobbies, I've seen so much bad blood due to individuals relating their most closely held beliefs.

So to all those here in Abstinence-ville, I hope you have an excellent day.

Kathy: I see little flares of incredible intelligence coming out in your writings so many times. I get the feeling that you hold back sometimes what could be stellar revelations. Just a sense I get. At the same time, you have such a nice manner in the way you relate them to us.

Mike: Seeing your victory over that bottle is fantastic. This is a war. Any battle won is cause for reward.

Gabby: Strength to win battles exudes from your posts as well.

Susan: Your philosophical insights are always a light for me to look up to. I continue to look for your words for long-term success.

To all others here: Good to see your words as well. Please remember, that your posts are always new building blocks for my AF spirit. Today is a great day to be sober.

Be well.

Neil