Thursday, September 28th

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

Thank you Neil!
Nicest compliment I've had in a long time.
Strength to Win Battles!
I really like that one. : ) Gabbs

[nomorewine]

Thursday, September 28th

Thanks for the welcome back everyone. Gosh is this a humiliating and humbling problem. My frustration comes from a number of angles, but mainly from feeling weak and unable to fix it myself. Hmph.

The posts on grief had me thinking of my Dad a lot today -- more than usual. And I know its him who has gotten me back here. Not long ago after a particularly bad wine event, I just decided to stop (and managed 10 days). Those 10 days came after a dream where my Dad was talking to me and aksing me why I was struggling so hard and it was just filled with his compassion. Right before I woke up, I swear I could feel him hug me. I have never had an experience like it. He doesn't visit my dreams often, but when he does there is usually a message. I hope this time, I get it!!

Thanks for taking care of my house while I have been away! I brought more than an overnight bag with me this time....I should get a washer and dryer in this joint.....

[iia67]

Thursday, September 28th

Loss

Reading all these posts about loss has left me thinking about my dad. I wasn't going to post. I really don't have anything new to add. My dad dies 23 years ago. I was 16 at the time. He was only 38 and its was his 3rd heart attack. He was on vacation in Flordia with some of his buddies. He made it to the hospital and lived about 3 more days. My mother never let me go down to Florida to see him...I never got to say good bye. It was extremely scarry. He was the sole bread winner and very successful. I remember about two days after the funeral my mother sat me down and told me I was "on my own now" I freaked out !! That's when my drinking got out of control and hasn't let up much since. I think the pain of losing someone close to you never actually goes away. Time may cover the wounds to help you get through it, but there are triggers that hit me now and again that brings that pain of not being able to just simply talk to my dad again. I wonder if he would be proud of me. I am not near the success he was and I am a year older than he lived to be. I wish he could see his grandchildren and innocently flirt with my wife..like I know he would do...not in a sick way though !! He was one of the funniest SOB I have ever met. God truely broke the mold when he made him. He drank like a fish...smoked like a chimney..and it just wasn't eating without his food smothered in gravy. I love him and really miss him right now. Who in the hell started this post in way. Haha

[lushy]

Thursday, September 28th

IIA67, maybe it is something about the changing of seasons? I don't know. I am sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. How tragic. Interesting that we are all thinking about those that have passed on. It is good to remember them, but would be even better if I could say their names without crying.......some day I suppose.

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

I did....I started the post. I'm sorry you guys. gabbs

[lushy]

Thursday, September 28th

That's okay Gabby. One of the beauties of this board is knowing that someone is going through something similar as us. I think it makes us all feel good to talk about those we loved and still do!

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

Oh Nomore, Right after Mom died I used to have terrible dreams about her in the hospital. Either being sick or having a chemo treatment. They were so real. And just haunting dreams. Just replays and replays of the treatments and procedures. Horrible like a bad movie. Frightening looks on her face full of fear of what the next day brought. And the pain that she lived with each move. Ugghh.

And then one night....I was having one of those dreams. And I like woke up. Then in an awake state, I heard mom say from the other room, but so clearly, just like she was right there...she spoke my name as if to get my attention, and then said to me very reassuringly, "I'm okay now". She said, "I'm ok". And guys.....I was so awake.
And.....I have not had a bad dream of mom since. Only good dreams! I consider them to be visits. Always I wake up feeling good. Sometimes I wake up and hurry and go back to sleep. So I can have some more visit.
Sometimes.....it even works. : )
gabby

[Mackeral]

Thursday, September 28th

What a day in Absville. A lot of very sad stories, and a lot of aching hearts...I dont think you should apolagise Gabby for starting this...by the sounds of it i think inadvertantly you have provided a service today...There has been ( im guessing) a lot of good memories brought to the surface today, because of you.
I sometimes think about my own mortality, not all the time but now and again..I wonder how i will be remembered by my family...Certainly dont want it to be as a lazy drunken dad, or an embaressing son or brother....I think its a healthy thing to do...Hopefully it will keep me sober..And it also make me try a bit harder to be a good person....We arn't here forever....It s an old and well used saying but "living each day as it's your last"..Means a bit more today.

What have i done this month without turning to Alcahol?
Everything......The main thing i think is being sober for Cloe on her big day...I might not have drank that morning but i'd proberly been still drunk from the night before...Stinking of ale infront of all her friends and our neighbours...So glad i could give her 100% for her special day.......And it was a special day.

P.S. Gabby just adding this bit on because i hadnt read your last post....That sounds so nice and reasuring....But your scaring the shit out of me.......I hope today hasnt been too difficult for you...Love Macks

[fsophiah]

Thursday, September 28th

I'm tired. It's been a stressful week. I'm trying to keep up with my workout schedule, and I'm trying to talk to Nathan in Japan every day because he has no support for his abstinence there. Tomorrow is his birthday. He plans to be sober, but he's not happy about it. He's determined that he wants to do AA, and, of course, he's not going to find a chapter in Osaka. He won't even talk to me about MWO. Doesn't want to spend time online. Doesn't want meds. Doesn't want to be sober. Wants to be "normal." Well, who doesn't? My husband reminded me that his road to sobriety may not be smooth, and he may not make it this time. Anyway, reminiscing about lost parents makes me think of my dad, who died many, many years ago, when I was 16. He was a drunk too, although I only saw him drunk once after I was 7. Still, he wasn't what you'd call a cuddly dad. But Gabby, I think part of what you are sad about is more than missing your mom. It's what I wanted to say to Em about her thread about professional women that went so wrong for her. She has a son in Iraq. Part of what is going on for so many of us is that we all miss our moms. We all want someone's lap to crawl into. So many of us provide the lap of the entire world around us, and then, we drink to get that feeling of unconditional acceptance. That's sort of what we do for each other here. I love the way Kathy reads every post and responds to everything. So do you, Gabby. I come back and back again, just to see what you have said to me. I wish I were more generous. Thanks for being here.

[Mackeral]

Thursday, September 28th

Fsophiah
I bet your son is so glad he's got you to talk to...Must be so difficult for him out there....Men need there mum to sometimes to tell em everythings gonna be ok...You sound like a great mum....Hope he has a good birthday tomorrow.


BTW...does anyone know where CV has got to???

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

:l ahhh....sophiah, thank you. Now come the crocodiles again. Tears I mean. That was huge generosity right there! gabby

[gabby]

Thursday, September 28th

I second that Macks, on sophiah and the mum part. hee he. An second second on CV. And a third second on the Happy Birthday part to sophiah's son.
And I am very sorry I scared you.

[Newyear]

Thursday, September 28th

Hi Everyone!
I was not around last night or this morning so I had to catch up on the reading. I am back to day One. Wanted to get that out right away. I went out with my work group last night. It was not as bad as it could have been - but was not great either. I had 5 drinks - including one hurricane and something called a category 5...awful. I'm talling you what I drank because it was not a typical drinking event for me. It was not a bottle of wine. Anyway, I do not want to dwell on this but I wanted to tell you and I want to just get past it and go back to AF day. It did not make me particularly happy to drink but I enjoyed being out with this group of people. They are probably going out again tonight and I have zero desire to join them
Maybe that is what is different for me now.
I did not really have a strong desire to drink last night - although I did anyway. Not sure how to describe it exactly. When we were out I was not scheming about when to order another drink. I was the first to go home....I don't know- I guess what I am saying is that - yes, I drank last night and although that was in no way being abstinate...it felt different to me. I don't want to drink tonight at all.
I think I would feel differently about it if it had been me buying a bottle and drinking it in my room. Am I making sense at all?
Well, enough of that - I said I was not going to dwell on this too much...and now I can't stop typing about it.

Losing a parent changes your life. I lost my dad when I was 10 - he was 42. He died of a heart attack two days before Christmas while playing tennis. It changed my life completely. I always think of him when I hear of a child losing a parent at a young age...like Steve Irwins kids.

I hope to write back later...I was kinda dreading getting out the...I drank last night thing so I just want to post this so I can get back to normal.

This is a very compassionate community - I think Liz knows she is cared for here by many people and I'm sure that is a big comfort to her.
I read everyone's posts tonight ---what an incredible group of people----) so glad you are all here
Love and good wishes for everyone tonight -
Lisa

[mojomuppet]

Thursday, September 28th

well i tried to add to this butt after an hour of typing it got lost. i read it all and was very moved.i do want to know about green hambugers mack was feeding the babies.i didnt get it why where they green?help a girl out will ya lol

[fsophiah]

Thursday, September 28th

Mack, thanks so much for reminding me what men need the mums for. I have too much invested in actually making it okay.