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**mojomuppet** · September 30, 2006, 07:30 AM

Saturday September 30th

good morning all my fellow mates. i want to talk about self destructing when those you love let you down. seems to me this is a nasty habit of mine... someone else does something i dont like and i lose it. why do we do this? is it to get attention,a way to deal,or is it we dont know how else to deal at all? im so mad right now i could spit nails. sigh.... i just assume we all do this. how do you cope ? i could use some help today....its gonna be a long one:upset:

**YoungAtHeart** · September 30, 2006, 07:42 AM

Saturday September 30th

Hey Mojo,

Why don't you tell us what happened if you will. We're a pretty empathic bunch!

Hugs,
Kathy

**mojomuppet** · September 30, 2006, 08:16 AM

Saturday September 30th

well... i would but i dont feel like writing the next Gone With The Wind. the issue really is how to cope with being let down by someone you love for reasons you cant understand.without making am mess of things which i seem ot be doing. i have a horrible temper when im hurt. let just say i told hubby i might pencil him in in the next hundred years because somehow he is to busy to get ahold of me. this is very hard since he is in uk and im in the usa.i feel like im being left behind and im very angry that i spent months trying to make sure he would not be left homeless when he got there...only to be almost totally ignored lately.seems just so wrong to me i got him a job and everything. i just want to know how to deal with the stupid crap with out drnking myself to death.

**gabby** · September 30, 2006, 08:23 AM

Saturday September 30th

Hi guys,
Whew boy, Do you guys have that feeling of busy busy busy and that your behind?
NOT GOOD for October and retail.
I need to be more ready for the holidays then I am. Soon I have the marathon starting and I need to be more prepared. So I must get more focused.

Oohhhh Mojo, right when I read that it reminded me of something some time ago. I know exactly what you mean. That feeling is so big. Almost bigger then your whole body. There really is something to the saying steam comin out your ears. That feelin can really start to feel like it is just seeping through your pores. I'm so glad I take prozac now.

Oh my gosh guys....I have been laughing for the last 5 minutes at least. I cant believe I do that. Here I am writing about something totally serious and then I say something and I totally crack myself up and I am here laughing out loud all by myself in front of my computer and my cats are starin at me.

Anyway....I have gained control again.
Anyway Mojo. I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible.
But its gonna be hard. Big sigh.....
Alright I am tellin me this just as much as you. Im not tellin you off at all. ok? This is for what I have learned for me and try to apply it and it does work but I am not perfect--

Had'ta quick look to see what I was talkin about. lol

ok....Its control....we cant control what others do, think, say or feel or whatever. even those we love. Its so a boundaries issue. So the good news is as soon as we figure that out we dont have to use all that engery feelin angry that they dont do our deal....cuz its their deal....so we just get to skip on by. So when we are mad at their decisions (unless they are kids) we can just let us off the hook for carrying the anger.
See and this is a good reminder for me cuz I dont get so angry as I do worry and its the same thing......not my deal....its their deal.....so I get to just skip on by.......see what I mean?
Anyway.....this works on just about anything....no matter what the deal is....so why waste your engery on the icky emotions when they could be skipping?

So thank you very much Mojo for bringing this up....cuz I am gonna apply this to the very thing that was on my mind this morning too. Tho this situation buggers me very much and I want to have anger ggggrrrrrrrrrooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwl. Did you hear that growl?
I am going to say to me....their deal.....have pity....and skip on by!
Happy Wedding Day Nancy.
Everyone Else have a great Saturday!
Big Smiles. Gabby

**wwbarb** · September 30, 2006, 08:31 AM

Saturday September 30th

Being let down

I think when I feel like I have been let down by someone I love, I take it personally - I must not be lovable. Then, I punnish myself for not being a good . . . wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc. I've noticed this with food. The worst possible thing I could do to myself would be to gain back the 50 (now 40) pounds I lost. So when someone lets me down, I punnish myself by eating. I believe that conscience is saying "you deserve to be fat again - this is your punnishment for not being lovable."

I just have to make myself not take responsibility for someone else's actions. The best thing for me to do is to talk it out with my co-worker and best friend - she and I are so much alike (down to even drinking the same beer!) that she can usually talk me down off the ledge, and I get through it. I do the same thing for her. It's funny my boss did something to pi$$ us off on a conference call the other day, and I picked up the phone to call her. I caught her dialing me!!

Talking it out so that someone can validate your feelings may help. Just my two cents worth.

Whatever it is, we're here for you.

:h

**Newyear** · September 30, 2006, 09:34 AM

Saturday September 30th

Good Morning All-
Like Macks - I hope you all had a good night last night. I was too tired to even think about drinking (well, not entirely true - but I was tired) so I did fine last night. Happy to be home- happy to sit on the couch with my three kitty cats and happy to sleep in my own bed.

Mojo- I think what Barb and Gabby said is so true. You can't control what other people do. But that is the hard part. Some of the frustration comes from you (all of us), wanting the other person to understand how their actions have hurt us - like Barb said - to validate our feelings - to validate that they have been insensitive. It is amazing how quickly those strong feelings can dissipate when there is a heartfelt apology from the other person.
Unfortunately, it does not always happen. In those cases you do have to just let it go and let it be their problem. Instead of taking revenge by drinking - take revenge by doing something really nice for yourself- whatever it is that you really like (besides drinking). And when you are doing that for yourself think -'I deserve to be good to me. I'm not going to treat myself badly because of someone else's thoughtlessness'.
Do whatever it takes to be good to you - and it is also a nice distraction from the anger. Hope you feel better.

I'm going to take a friend to the auto parts store so she can get an oil change and change out the front headlight - pretty exciting. Actually, I'm going to be pretty good to myself today too and we are goin to get manicures and pedicures while we wait on the car

Best of luck today Nancy! Enjoy this very special day.

Neil...I'm meeting with my trainer this afternoon. I've been trying to think up questions to ask. Any suggestions?
Kathy - hope you have a great day today....what are you up to today anyway?
It is a beautiful Saturday so Everyone have a great one!!
Love
Lisa

**mikeupnorth** · September 30, 2006, 11:02 AM

Saturday September 30th

G'day Abbsville, (I find that I like some of the expressions from Down Under even though I'm so far Up North)

Looks like a good topic has emerged for today: how to deal with being let down by others.

When I was younger, I set myself up to be let down because I was so needy that no one could have fulfilled all my needs or lived up to my expectations. I found myself constantly disappointed, angry, jealous, etc -- usually with my partner, because he's the one I spent the most time with. He's also the one I had the highest expectations of to fulfill all my needs. And how did I deal with it when he let me down? I became passive-aggressive. I would make snide comments. I would give him the cold shoulder. I would give him the silent treatment. I would close doors a little too forcefully. Not quite slam them, mind you -- just close them loudly. Once he figured out what I was doing and called me on it, I usually became embarrassed at my childish behavior and the whole incident would be over. Until the next time I felt slighted. It was a very unhealthy way of dealing with things, and believe me, I was not a very happy person. I doubt he was either.

Of course all of that neediness, and my reaction when let down, was due to my own insecurities. With time (and therapy!) I was able to deal with some of my own issues. Now I have much more of a sense of the boundaries that Gabby mentioned -- "this is my side of the street, that is yours." I'm better able to examine my needs and expectations and voice them to the other person (rather than expecting them to read my mind). And if I am let down by their actions, it's up to me to clearly let them know, if it's important to me -- and not carry around the anger or slam doors or bang pots and pans. The point is that if it's making me angry enough to do those things, it's worth talking over with the other person. All relationships, whether you're talking family, friends, or spouses, come down to healthy communication. Sometimes you have to tell the other person that they have let you down, that they have hurt you in some way. And hopefully that can be done in such a way that you don't start a fight, but rather start a dialogue that will lead to better understanding each other.

And finally I've come to realize that in the end, I can't control people, places or things -- I can only control myself: my thoughts, words and actions. I think about that when I hear or say the "Serenity Prayer." This prayer is used in AA, but it has been around since 500 BC.

"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

And ya know, Lisa has a good point about "taking revenge" by doing something good for ourselves, rather than something destructive. Why, when we are hurt, should we go and hurt ourselves even more??? Why don't we say, "OK I will show him! I'm going to go get my hair done, and my nails done, and I'm going to work out and I'm going to feel absolutely fabulous!! So take that!!" Rather, we drink 2 bottles of wine or a 12 pack of beer, stumble around and bruise ourselves up, and wake up with a splitting headache and panic attacks. We've got something backwards here.

Mike

P.S. If you are unhappy with the weather where you are, think about this. We got our first snow last night.

**lushy** · September 30, 2006, 11:13 AM

Saturday September 30th

Ugh, I see so much of myself in your post Mike. And you are right it IS backwards. So someone else pisses me off and I am choosing to go drink my anger and possibly damage my liver over it? Who is that hurting in the long run? My husband and I have completely polar opposite personalities in that he is laid back, does not drink, loves life and everyone in it, nonjudgemental, and I am the controlling, pessimistic, leary of everyone drinker. I am trying to learn from him because he is so much happier in his day to day life. And life is just too short to waste one day. I just have a real problem with having very high expectations for everyone around me, expectations that are impossible for them to meet, so I find I am constantly disappointed and annoyed with others, and then I retreat to staying at home more which in turn leads to me drinking. And Barb is right; it is so important to have someone you can vent to during those times instead of keeping it all bottled up. Deep topic for so early in the morning!!!!

You have snow already? Man oh man. I love snow but that is a little too early for me. Happy Saturday everyone. Thanks for giving me something to ponder today..............expect less of others, expect more of myself.

**Lou** · September 30, 2006, 12:08 PM

Saturday September 30th

Hi all,

Just a quickie from me for now. Wanted to thank Mike...on my way home from the gym earlier i gave in and bought a bottle of wine, sat here for a while deciding whether to drink it and was just reaching for the corkscrew when i read your post and saw the serenity prayer. Took the bottle straight downstairs and gave it to my nan to hide and give to someone as a gift (she doesnt drink!)
Funny how we can help eachother without even realising..Thank you Mike

Lou-Lou x x x

**mikeupnorth** · September 30, 2006, 01:16 PM

Saturday September 30th

Wow, Lou --

Well done! Good for you for having the courage to change something that you had the power to change, and for recognizing that you could. So glad that what I posted could make a difference. Hope you have a good day. :l

Mike

**YoungAtHeart** · September 30, 2006, 01:24 PM

Saturday September 30th

It's always a treat to come here and read about everyone's thoughts.

Like so many, I have often drank when I am disappointed with others. I don't think I drink to punish myself as much as I drink to numb the feelings of hurt and anger. When I was younger, and BEFORE I had a drinking problem, I thought NOTHING of just going off on people that had let me down (particularly boyfriends, poor guys!!:blush: ). Sometimes I was justified in feeling disappointed, but sometimes I really wasn't. Now I can express anger when I'm angry and disappointment when I'm disappointed, but only with people that I really trust. When I'm not sure if someone really cares, I have turned to the bottle, rather than take the risk. What makes me feel good is that I am learning to take risks with all of you!:l

Want to hear something really crazy?? When my marriage was starting to go south, but before D-day, I was drinking more heavily and I was hoping that my ex would REALIZE HOW UNHAPPY I WAS AND CHANGE! Now is that nuts or what??? That goes right up there in the books on extremely ineffective ways of trying to get your needs met!!

Mojo, you have done so much for your hubby. I DO hope you will start doing things to take care of yourself, because, as Gabby said, it is the ONLY thing you have control over. Maybe you SHOULD just pencil him in. I'm sorry that you are hurt and angry. All you can do is take care of you, love.

Lisa, a good friend of mine once said, "The best revenge is living well!" Boy, is it the truth! Taking care of ourselves is truly the best thing that can do, not only for ourselves and our loved ones, but boy, will it piss off our enemies, as well!:H

You asked me what I am doing today? Well, after this, I'm going to sit down and pay some bills and get some papers organized. Maybe, yawn...., a nice nap, too. I saw a few clients this morning. Stopped in at the pet store to have a nice talk with a parrot named "Austin". He said lots of "Thank yous!" for all the scratching I was giving him!! Thanks for asking. I'm glad you are settled in at home with your kitties again!

You've added some great thoughts, Mike, but you usually do! I've always looked like the very "independent" type. It was only after my father's death and my divorce that I got in touch with how needy and scared I really was! What a revelation! And by the way, I LOVE the snow! I'll come and make snow angels with you! What do you say? It's just pissin' down rain around here!

It's great that you can learn from your hubby, lush! It must be frustrating that being relaxed comes so easily to him, but yes, you can learn it too!

Hey, Lou-Lou! Good to see you here! Good work on giving the wine to your nan! Hang in there, lovey! And good for you for working out!

Anyway, I've gotta get moving on paying those bills! They've been calling me for a few days now!

Maddy wants to get her nose pierced for her birthday!! I'm going to let her do it. I have successfully fended off the belly button piercing, and except for a second hole in her ears, we have avoided all other piercings and tattoos thus far.

Love to all! I'll check in later.

Kathy:l

**Newyear** · September 30, 2006, 01:25 PM

Saturday September 30th

Lou...that is great. This place has helped me like that too. Nice reminders of why we are trying to stop this.

I still have trouble equating my fantasy of drinking to the reality. In the fantasy it makes everything better and easier - in the reality it makes everything worse and harder.

Great post Mike...I knew I liked you! Good insights.

Lou- I'm gonna stay clear of it tonight too. I'm going to the gym now to meet my trainer and then I'm going to get a massage. It's 'be nice to lisa' day today.

I'll check back with you all later.
Lisa

**Mackeral** · September 30, 2006, 05:04 PM

Saturday September 30th

Hiya all,
Just gonna check in tonight. Its just been one of those days today..I didnt take my own advice and i sat in the house all night and stewed over whether to get a drink in or not....I didnt and i'm glad i didnt. just not in the best of moods and i have been terrible company at home. Tommorow will be better i know...I'm just best off going to bed. see you in the morning love Macks.

**YoungAtHeart** · September 30, 2006, 06:35 PM

Saturday September 30th

Nite, nite, Macks! We still love you--even in a bad mood! Glad you didn't drink! XOXOXOX!

Kathy

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