January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

[redhibiscus]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

I am up after five hours of sleep - feeling well rested, too.

Lavande, I think you are right about being in a better place than when MWO was first started. I know I am, even though I am struggling. Going from drinking 3 to 5 days a week to 1 day or less a week is huge. Having time to heal and just be AF, getting to know myself has been eye opening. It just makes the misery of drinking stronger, harder. I mean, when you are constantly drinking, recovering, planning, etc, you can't get perspective cause you are caught in the vicious circle. Getting some time AF gives you a chance to explore where you are and where you want to be.

Wanted to explore this idea with all of you. Have you ever heard of people having life themes? I have had some things happen to me lately and was thinking about this and noticed that I always feel that I'm not good enough. So my life theme has been with the struggle of feeling that I am "good enough." I take criticism to heart and really agonize over things. I work hard at everything I do, yet I feel that I don't measure up. It really hurts. Thinking in this way causes anxiety, stress, etc. I think I am a perfectionist. I also realize that this is how I am in every life area, relationships, work, finances, material goods, body image....it is just not "good enough." Does anyone here have a life theme, maybe positive, not negative like me? I'd appreciate some thoughts on this. It is related to alcohol use, I am sure. What is your life theme?

Well, I am going to plan my meal for tonight, keeping busy and setting goals for my weekend so that I stay AF.

Have a good day, I will try and check in later.

[Chillgirl]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Hi Red
I cant believe how similar i feel to you about myself! Im not sure how its related to alcohol but what i have found since being sober for the last 4 weeks is it is all coming to the surface where as before i buried it under the drink.

If i really analyse it, I supose when i 1st started to get drunk in my teens, alcohol seemed like this great friend who gave me the confidence i thought i lacked and so I continued to hide behind it.

I would say im a definate perfectionist but in a way this has now served me in a positive way as I no longer want the drinking to be the blot in my life and see getting out of that cycle as being able to even more perfect myself.

Being sober is making me have to face a lot of things i dont like about my life and at times I want to run back under my alcohol security blanket and not have to deal with "real life". However, im not going to... im going to deal with whatever shit comes along, enjoy getting to know the person i really am and maybe realise that actually I am good enough.......

I wish everyone a very happy AF weekend.

[dill]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Greetings JJDI's!

So much positivity and food for thought here! I don't know that I have a life theme that I can think of at this early hour. I will give it some thought today.

Sky, I like the name Feb Fast. It would be kind of special since it is an actual event name in Australia. I also like Faithful AF February. I think my vote goes to AF Feb Fast, or Feb Fast AF.

My friends, I chose to drink yesterday evening and regretted it all night long. The commitment piece is still a problem for me. Sigh. Again, I am getting back on the bus. I wish I was a bit more of a perfectionist, like Chill said of herself. Then I would have an easier time with commitment, I think. Well, as we have all realized, at least I am worlds ahead of where I was this time last year. I'll just keep moving forward.

By the way, I put in a link yesterday to a song by Pink called Sober. I like the song, but when I looked at the video yesterday afternoon, I realized it was not the version I had intended to link to and that is may have been objectionable viewing to some, so I removed the link. Sorry if I offended anyone.

[Chillgirl]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Hi Dill
Glad you are climbing back on our bus, today is all that matters!

I didnt see the link to the song but i have to say one of the things I love so much about this site is that we are a bunch who are not easily offended. I think to have the courage to come here makes us leave our egos well and truly behind. Our ability to laugh at ourselves is very much part of the great journey we are on.

I meant to say earlier that I also love the thought of FEB FAST and my vote goes to "AF Feb Fast".

[Lavande]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Good morning January friends,

Soon to be February friends! I do like the sound of 'AF Feb Fast'.

Dill, you're here today & that's what is important! Having a drink every now & then really shouldn't be a problem but at the same time it shouldn't leave you feeling guilty either. For me, drinking for all the wrong reasons was the source of my guilt. Avoiding life's crap by diving into a bottle of wine left me feeling pretty crappy about myself as I'm sure it does for all of us.

I really believe overcoming our feelings of inadequacy & low self esteem is an essential step in our journey. We are not born with these feelings of inadequacy - we've learned them! Now we have to unlearn them to improve & move on. I chose the 21 day Habit Busting Program to rid myself of negative thinking!!! Putting my head in an entirely different place really worked for me. Give it some thought everyone..........take back control of your thinking I did it - you can too!!

Wishing everyone a terrific AF Friday, will be back later
Strength & love to all!

Lav

[spedteach]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Hello all,
Am running late but just wanted to say good morning.
Dill, Hang in there. So many of us know just how you feel. For me after I started accumulating a little af time, if I drank, even if it wasn't much, I'd feel guilty about breaking my sobriety. The really dark days were when I would break my sobriety, then say f**k it and drink myself oblivious. Glad you're here with us.
I love that song by Pink. Have seen the video on MTV (yes I do occasionally watch it) and thank you Chill for reminding all of us that we don't seem to be easily offended.

Oh no Lav, now you're going to talk about chocolate! How far are you from Hershey, PA?

I've more to chat about but late, late, late.

Will be thinking of you tonight Red.

Look forward to chat on Sunday.

Shelley

[lodestar]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Hi friends,

I love the Feb Fast idea ~ great contribution Sky! Red, I don't know about a life theme but I can definitely relate to the perfectionist thing. Oh yes. That's a biggie for me. I also think that contributed to my drinking and my guilt over it. I am determined to learn how to love myself and not beat myself up over not being perfect. The shame and guilt is something I put upon myself and it just made it easier to stay hiding from those feelings in a vat of vodka. No longer. I couldn't get out of that way of thinking without getting rid of the booze, because I was so anxious and self-loathing. I want my theme to be less perfectionistic because it always leads to shame, guilt and sorrow. I am a really sunshine-y person, very loving, and committed to being comfortable in my skin. I want my new theme to be that of having a loving and supportive relationship with myself, no matter what, because I deserve to feel good. I have no problem being supportive showing love to others, but I have not been that way with me. Now that is sad. I'm not one to drag up the past usually; in fact, I tried to ignore it until I reached my 30s. Then I could not ignore it anymore ~ no matter how I tried to numb it. The abuse I endured as a child and teenager do not not need to make me hate myself. Turning that ugliness inward is only damaging and threatens to keep me from experiencing my own power as a woman. I have been afraid to cry for years...except when I was drinking. But that wasn't a real cry...it was colored by alcohol and I had to be a little numb to do it. Now I know that I will not crumble, I do not have to run from painful emotions, I can love that woman in the mirror even with her swollen eyes and dark memories. She is me and I am worth it. No more dissociating for me ~ I want self-soothe in a healthy way. Even that word "soothe" makes me feel like saying YUCK, what a gross word! Of course, it isn't gross really...but somehow I've associated it with some kind of inappropriate touch in my mind. I don't know if that is common for survivors of sexual abuse, but I sometimes experience soft-sounding comforting words in a visceral way. Like I'm going to throw up if I even think them. Maybe because the inappropriate touching that I experienced always started with these soft, soothing touches that felt good as a kid and progressed into something that didn't. I didn't know what was going on until it was too late, but I have harbored guilt that a part of me wanted those touches. Annnnnnnndddd BINGO! I just had a lightbulb moment. I've not been able to put that together ~ Ever. Until now. Deeeeeeeep breath as another door unlocks and I walk through turning on the light. If I had kept drinking, I would just be wandering around in the dark wondering where the key was...surprise, it was stuck in my mind the whole time. Sorry for the self-indulgence there, gals. Another Aha moment on MWO.

Dill, I hope you don't beat yourself up today. It isn't going to help. You can't undo last night. Plain and simple, you are human and you made a choice. You still prioritize living your life as sober as possible. You work to connect with others with similar goals every day. Having a few drinks doesn't undo your hard work. I think it depends on your perspective. It has been ingrained in many of us that one drink=one drunk and thus you are starting over from zero when you drink. While that thinking may be productive for some, it would be harmful for others. This is your way out, and it seems you are finding it. Perhaps think about this...do you plan your drinking or does it just seem to happen? Where does the guilt come from? What are the reasons that you drank yesterday? What are the benefits? What are the costs? I hope it is okay that I ask these questions. Although I haven't had a drink since October, I am trying to analyze my own past use and consider where I am at now. It is always useful to hear about other people's processes.

Ohhhhh lordy, I've gone on again, haven't I? Oh well, must be important. Gonna get back to work now, but will probably zoom by later during my next procrastination session.

:l to all

[ladybirdheart]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Really strong working through things, Lode, it seems the thoughtful questions of Red have as usual helped us focus. My theme also involves perfectionism and control. I am the circus performer who keeps the plates spinning in the air. I manage stress from this by minimizing the number of plates as I can?t seem to just let things fall. I behave as if I have more power than I really do. Alcohol was my off switch, the cue to let my hair down and not have to take care of things, to be unable to take care of them. It was the only way I could ?just be?. I liked the song you had in your link, Dill, and didn?t find the visuals remotely offputting, but what would you expect from somebody whose coffee table books include Nan Goldin. I was also with you last night, Dill, in that I was not AF. I could not stay warm and could not stop coughing, and I chose to have a boiling hot toddy (lemon, honey and an ounce of whiskey). Nothing bad happened other than it made me wonder (again) what my realistic goals are and I still don?t have a ready answer. I know this is ?my? way out and not formulaic, we each have to find what works for us. I know I am committed to not being self destructive in any way and particularly if it serves to keeps those plates spinning in the air, so I shall just tolerate the ambiguity of everything else for now. When I took off my signature today of AF Nov 21st, I felt good about things overall. Love, Ladybird.

[Lavande]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Good evening friends,

Late for me but wanted to check in!

Shelly, I'm situated about 45-50 miles from Hershey, PA but less than 10 miles from Neuchatel

lode, I hope you find the peace you deserve! I've spent a lifetime beating myself up over the abuse I received as a child - I understand. I hope you continue to gain your power & continue to heal!

LBH, I sure hope you are feeling better tonight. Last night was last night - it's another day! You have a fantastic goal in being commited to not being self destructive in any way! That says a lot

I'm calling it a day........somehow turned out to be a long one.
Wishing everyone a peaceful night!

Lav

[Sky]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Hi everyone. Wow! You can all really express what you're feelings are. I do relate to the perfectionist theme. My husband tells me I'm way too much of a perfectionist and he's right - nothing is ever quite good enough. Including myself, I feel. I'm usually quite good at expressing myself as well, but since I've been AF my power of expression seems to have waned.

I'm at Day 27 sober today and a drink would be nice today my brain is telling me, but I am resisting. I do know I would feel remorseful if I succumbed. I think it's the thought that I cannot drink again that is causing me grief. Perhaps I need to change my thought pattern to one of I can have a drink in the future at some stage, but not until I don't care whether I have one or not. If that makes any sense.

Have a wonderful weekend.

[lodestar]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Good evening, friends. Late check-in here for me. Finally got some work done, as my head is starting to clear up. I've been feeling really al crave-y today and I just have to acknowledge it. Took an extra l-glutamine a bit ago and it seemed to help. I wanted to be off of my anti-depressant (I was on a tiny dose) and I tapered off fully earlier this week. Supposedly those medications have no withdrawal effects when they give them to you, but then a little research and experience shows differently. I'm sure that, coupled with my little abuse epiphany earlier and not feeling tip-top is causing this, so no drink for me. Funny, when I'm feeling under the weather, I always want a drink. I think it has something to do with feeling so uncomfortable. Lav :l you are a survivor and what an awesome woman you are! Thanks for the nice wishes.

LBH, I'm happy for you that you are comfortable with taking your date off today. A couple of months ago, I think I remember you were feeling remorseful. That's a positive change. Like you, I'm trying to tolerate the ambiguity of this process and trusting that we will all find what works for us. It's just so nice not to be alone in that. Your story about keeping plates spinning provided a great visual. I'd be right there next to you, believe me. The "nothing happened" comforted me, because there are so many scary stories and I never want to self-destruct again either. I think it must be about vigilance and awareness.

Sky, you're doing terrific and I'm sure your expressiveness will come back in a whole new way even. Don't worry about forever right now, if it makes you anxious. Just focus on today ~ that is doable, right? I can commit a day or two ahead usually, and it has been working. Sometimes I am confident about a month ahead, sometimes just an hour though. It shifts around for me.

Especially thinking of you tonight, Red, and hope you're having a peaceful evening.

:groupluv: to all

[redhibiscus]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Good morning and just catching up on all your wonderful, thoughtful posts.

I had a fun AF evening with my husband. Created a vegan dish that I loved, and he said was "OK." Later on had a smoothie for a snack and it was really refreshing. I cleaned my house and kept busy, so today, I feel healthy, well-rested, and most importantly at peace. What a difference from last Saturday, so now the thing is to stay the course. And I will. Today I commit to being AF.

Chillgirl, thanks for responding and IMHO you are so on the right path, dealing with the reality of being sober, the good and the bad.

Dill, I appreicate your honesty and your ability to just start again. You are in a different place than in the past. I thought it was interesting that you said that you chose to drink and regretted it all night long. It's fun while it is going down, but that is so short lived.

Lavande, the next time I go to the library I will look for the 21 day habit busting book. You are clear that it really helped you change your thinking and therefore, your life.

Lodestar, I appreciated your deep soul searching post. I am sorry for the abuse you had to experience and want you to know you are an amazing person. I agree with you that it is important to hear other's journey's so we can analyze our own.

LBH, your cold needs to just go away. After a while being sick kind of wears you down. This is a tough time of year and being sick does not help. I have also questioned by drinking goal of being abstinent during the times I have successfully had only one or two drinks and found the off switch. I have been able to find my off switch alot. I rarely get drunk in public, but I have. Mostly it is the at home drinking with my enabling husband who lives me and loves to drink too. If we could all just have the recommended one to two drinks we would be fine. For me, I just seem to go over the top. I liked your analogy of juggling plates regarding managing your stress. It sounds like you may have perfectionist tendencies too.

Skye, day 27 is a real accomplishment. For me, ODAT is what is working for me right now. If I think about the future and never drinking it causes anxiety, so is not productive.

Everyone, have a great day, AF.:h

[dill]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Greetings All, and again, such thoughtful and insightful posts! What a great way to get an ODAT frame of mind started.

Lode thank you for sharing yourself and your story with us. Such clear thinking on your part could not have been accomplished while still drinking, I would wager. AF has been a very good choice for you, and all of us.

I tried to think of a life theme for myself and what I realized is this. I am not a perfectionist and I do not feel I have more control over things than I actually do. I am very realistic as far as this goes. It's a good thing, too, LBH, because I tried the plates in the air that you described and I just had a lot of sweeping to do! However, I do feel generally "up tight". This is my life theme. I am not comfortable in social situations, I am not self-assured or confident. I just do my best and muddle through. I generally have a hard time relaxing and just enjoying. That's where alcohol comes in. I really, really want to change that, and have made a great deal of progress, but a lifetime pattern is hard to change, as you know. Remember awhile back when I started talking about recalling life before alcohol came on the scene? I was trying to capture the feeling of being at ease in my own skin without alcohol. I know I could do it before and I have managed it some this past year, but it is still something I need to work at.

Lode, when I choose to drink, it is definitely never accidental. I remember a couple of days ago standing in the check out line talking to myself in my head about putting the wine back, it would be so much better in the long run. I had plenty of time to put it back and walk away, but my body remained in the line and I made my purchase. The only part that is unintentional is drinking too much. I always plan on stopping at two. Of course, by now, I am well aware that that won't likely happen, but there's something in me that still just won't believe that! I think I will control it this time. I am just tired of the whole business and I wish I had never gotten into this situation. I'm going to get out of it if it's the last thing I do!

Red, I'm glad you had a nice AF Friday. That was a good accomplishement!

Lav, I don't have any fabulous places near here to entice you all to come to. If we ever do a thread meet up, it will have to be in Pennsylvania!

Sky, You are doing just great! I'm so glad you joined us.

Chill, it's funny that you didn't see that song link because I was thinking of you when I inserted it. I see you often in the what we're listening to section of the board and I know music is important to you.

Sped, thanks for the encouragement.

Lil, I know you'll be along soon. Hi Soots and Cyn!

Don't forget: JJDI chat, Sunday January 31 at 4:00 EST. That's Monday, February 1st at the crack of dawn for our friends down under and I don't know what time for Chillgirl.

[sooty]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Hello everyone and greetings from a cold, snowy uk!
Its fascinating reading the posts about having a drink - I imagine that we have all come a very long way from the start of our journey. It seems to me that for all of us we have many more sober days than days when we drink. It was most definitely the other way round for me a few months ago.
Therefore we are all making progress.
When I had some drinks at my daughter's party last weekend it was a deliberate decision. I enjoyed the party and the alcohol but haven't felt the need to keep on drinking night after night, which was how life was for me in the old days. I am very aware that I could get back into old patterns though and in that regard I need to be vigilant.
I really think that we will all get to where we want to be - cos I am amazed by our intelligence, insight and strength. I do believe that if we were all in the same place at the same time we could take over the world!
Have a good Saturday and rest of the weekend gang - see you all later and I'm looking forward to chat tomorrow
Lots of love
Sooty

[Lavande]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 4

Good morning January friends,

Only another day to say that!!!

Hi Sooty, freezing cold here too - snow on the way later I hear. I really hope it's not much because we are helping our daughter & son-in-law move tomorrow! I probably won't be home to get into Chat with the group - I'll see.

If nothing else this month it seems that a lot of us have discovered exactly what make us tick! How great is that? I'd call that extreme progress Our new found knowledge serves us well, keeps us from repeating the same old mistakes over & over again!

Wishing everyone a terrific AF Saturday!
Be back later

Lav