Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone: I know I'm starting this early (Sun. night), but I was afraid I wouldn't have time tomorrow to give it any thought. I didn't go to my usual Sun. night BB meeting, as the roads are treacherously slick. Last night's "Burning Desire" was, as usual, very emotional. The topic was on the "wreckage of the past." So many of us have left so many problems in our wake that it takes a lot of time & effort to clear them up. It takes time for family to trust us again. As for me, so much of my drinking was hidden that people are just beginning to realize that they didn't experience the Real Mary when I was drinking. What is important to me is how I feel about the way I'm living my life now. I'm seeing that I kept so much hidden & secretive.

By chance I read an article about women's secret drinking in an old People Magazine in the optometrist's office. Then, a few days later, I saw an Oprah show on the same subject. In all the cases, husbands were just plain surprised (as my husband was) at the extent of their wive's drinking. I got better & better at hiding it as I went along. During those (now fleeting) moments when I think about a drink, all I have to do is remember the insanity.
-hidden bottles
-waiting for the liquor store to open at noon on Sun.
-driving from liquor store to liquor store
-elaborate disposal of empties
-etc.

When I think like that I realize that I NEVER want to go back to that. I'm developing a real taste for sodas, selzer, fruit juice spritzers, etc. Even one drink (a sip even) would cause me so much emotional angst. No way!

Anyhow, enough ruminating.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Thanks for the start Mary.

[Winefree]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Geez Mary! I could have written that. What a life that was, hiding the bottles, discarding them all over town, hitting the different liquor stores, running out at the last minute on a Saturday to keep the supply going(not open on Sundays in CT) the rest of the weekend, especially if there was a holiday on Monday.
It does feel good not to be a slave to that anymore.

thanks for the reminder.

Winefree

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

There's a long-time thread on this forum titled "What I hate, loathe about drinking." It would be good to read any time I might think "one drink" would be nice. So far, I haven't had that thought, but I can't get complacent. I have to keep all those machinations & subterfuge in my conscious memory, lest I forget how soul-destroying it was for me. Also, I know I've said this before, watching normal people drink helps me. I was just w/my family of normal drinkers:
-one wine over a long period of time.
-throwing dregs of wine glass away instead of drinking it.
-sharing a single wine.
-etc.

There's no way I can drink like that. I really love that my whole family (esp. hubbie) now know that I just do not drink. No explanations needed. People can draw their own conclusions.

Anyhow, I happy to be sober today one day at a time. Mondays were always an awful day (esp. the AM) for me, as Sun. (football day for husb) was my day to drink, drink, drink. I feel fine today.

Mary

[Mazzie]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Hi Everyone

Mary, good on you girl. You sound so resolved. Me too. Enjoying an af January and also know I don't want to go back to the life you just described - was mine too.

Its Australia Day today (Tuesday) so we get to have a public holiday and play on the beach and eat lots of prawns and some drink lots of beer - very patriotic!!!

Hope everyone has a great af week.

[MissMerlot]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Hi mary,
thanks for your post....i too often hear myself think 'i'd love a glass of wine' then i realise 'naw,a glass of wine????i want a btl of wine,then i'd probably open a 2nd...
A single glass of wine would simply not cut the mustard with me.

My 'off' button simply cannot turn to 'on'.

Quite simply,when it's 'on' it's a gypsy to turn back off! lol

So 'off' it stays!!

Have a sober & happy day!

Hugs &Prayers,

annie
x

[mollyka]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

HI Everyone here
Day 18 for me today, was working lates today so coming home from work this evening 8.30 pm, husbands day off so knew I would be coming home to him having a couple of glasses of red wine. A few weeks ago he'd have a nice cold bottle of wine open for me when I got in. I was driving home CRAVING that glass of cold white wine, couldn't get it out of my head, then I thought, hold on, lets think about the second glass and then the sneaking upstairs to the hidden vodka bottle, cos lets face it the lovely cold wine didn't really hit the spot, and knocking back a huge vodka cos I couldn't bring it down and back down to h/b and another bit of wine and on and on and on and moving the vodka out of the bedroom before he went to bed so I could finish it when he'd gone to bed and conking out on the couch till waking frozen at 3a.m. ..................... and then I thought as I'm driving home............... maybe that 'lovely cold glass of white wine' wouldn't be quite so lovely after all. Walked in to sitting room and bless him he had a lovely hot cup of tea ready and I loved it
Night all

[MommyDearest72]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Same for me....I cant have one anything and just the thought of me waking up or putting that bottle to my mouth after this decision would make me loathe myself even more....Im happy to be where my mind is today! Great for us...Im on day 5.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

First: welcome new sharers! I too have no "off" switch. And, Molly, I loved the description of the whole crazy path that one sip of cold white wine would put me on. I must admit that the hiding, sneaking, & subsequently falling into a drunken, fitful sleep was absolutely the WORST. It was killing me spiritually, emotionally, & physically.

I just got home from a small women's meeting. Most of the women are much younger than me, & many live in a sober house nearby. It's not a meeting I feel completely comfortable going to, so I know (from the AA program) that there is some kind of self-centered fear going on. I keep going in order to face my fear, & I'm discovering that as I do that, the fears lose their power over me.

We talked about the 3rd Trad: "The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking." Nothing else. No need to declare I'm an alcoholic. Nothing...except the desire to stop drinking. There was a lot of great discussion.

Mary

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Retteacher, I also relate to everything you said and did it all too. The further away I get from it, the stranger it seems. Living a lie, or rather a lot of lies, always about drinking, or hiding it, or finding a way to do it secretly. It looks insane from the outside. The amount of energy that goes into that.....

I went to a really small women's meeting tonight (6 of us). I didn't get to the usual noon meeting, and by tonight I was really missing it! I am amazed how much I like doing this - this was so unexpected. I always feel so grounded when I leave.

One story that stuck was one woman saying how Step 1 was the only step that mentions alcohol. All the others really deal with living life. Getting sober is only the first step.

As I get further in my AFness, I see more and more the sense in that. At first it's just doing it, getting one day, 2, 3, a week, a month, etc. Now it's like there's this whole other level opening up, all these new possibilities. When I first became AF, it was like being reborn (or maybe waking up after a 100 year sleep). Now it's like being reborn again, and coming even more to life. Being able to live life, not just exist. Or maybe expanding, like a flower opening up. It's a great feeling.

Something I find I love about the program is that all these steps are really tools for living. Something it seems many alcoholics (both here and at AA) are lacking, and many (like me) never learned. At another meeting someone mentioned a friend who was going through many difficulties, and how this person wished this friend was an alcoholic, so he could come to AA. That's how well it seems to work. It's like an hour of good therapy that's not costing $200 an hour.

Anyway, I find it is always an hour well spent and I have gotten something positive and useful from every meeting.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Dance: What a lovely, positive post! I too feel I'm getting tools that I didn't know I needed. Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Dance: Avoidance was a big motivation for my drinking. I didn't want to deal w/the ups & downs of life, especially the downs. It got to the point where little tiny things set me off.
-I needed to get out of the habit of avoiding life.
-I needed tools to deal w/the vicissitudes of life.
-I needed confidence in myself.

AA has provided me w/all those skills & more. The 12 steps are a simple blueprint for living. Even the slogans which sounded so corny in the beginning are helpful.
-"How important is it?"
-"Live & Let Live."
-"Think."
-"Let Go & Let God."
-etc.

Thanks for sharing.

Mary

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Retteacher - That sounds like me so much. I avoided confrontation, taking action, talking things out.... and all I got was a big catastrophe or blow up when everything was completely out of control - by my own doing, or not doing.

At least I had the sense to not avoid quitting drinking when I was at that point I knew I had to - I didn't so much stop as didn't pick it up again (the day I came here). I will avoid anything unpleasant like the plague. If I had not decided at that moment, the bad hangover would've eventually worn off and I'd conveniently forgotten it within the next 2 days. I possibly would have procrastinated forever (as usual - every morning say I wouldn't, then by evening at the latest, off to the liquor store). Though I do consider this my bottom - I actually considered AA on that day (though was terrified of it - though now I wish I'd gone years ago).

My drinking time was my "me time" - I looked forward to it all day. My time to shut out the world and party with my friend, who let me forget anything unpleasant. When I think of it now, that "my time" got longer and longer. I used to be thrilled when my roommate would leave town. I'd drop him at the airport, stop at the liquor store, and could start the party as early as I wanted, no one home to know (we both work from home). In 2008, he was gone for 3 months, and what I remember was being able to start drinking early, the tremendous weight of the giant recycle bin (it's a gigantic blue trash can looking type) every 2 weeks, since I could openly recycle instead of wrap and hide among other trash, as I normally did. I even had a story for the garbage man, if I ran into him ("we had a BIG party"). Talk about insanity - making up lies for the garbage man!

Interesting how some of this is coming back now. Maybe meeting all these new AA people, where you hear bits and sometimes bigger pieces of your own story coming out of someone else's mouth.

What stuns me is how certain things are becoming clear to me now. Behaviors that allowed me to drink, throwing away relationships to allow myself drinking time (alone), lying and picking fights just to get someone away from me long enough to indulge in my nasty little secret. Possibly even enjoying the lying and subterfuge, like a game, and when I won I got to drink. That is just crazy.

I love those little slogans too (when you really think of what they mean). The "Let go and let God" - To me that represents where I'm at right now (or realized that's what I need).
We all talk of "fighting" the demon, which is not a bad thing at all. But at some point we all need to "rest". Yes, I've done many positive changes to stop drinking and stay sober, and have made significant progress. But I needed more of the spiritual element, more than I could have guessed. I feel that in those meetings, a real energy. Between that and the steps, I think I'll make it more than 10 months (the most AF time I've had my entire adult life).

I made sure I got to my noon meeting today. I met a woman with 40 years sobriety. That always blows me away! To see living, breathing examples living happy, fulfilled lives without alcohol, knowing where they've come from and where they are now - it just amazes me.

Thanks for listening.

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Greetings all. I am on the road this week in Stamford, CT. A little cooler weather than Texas. I started with my 630am meeting in TX and hope to catch a couple of meetings here. It will be a challenge since I have not shared with coworkers my AA life. But I have my own car so I may sneak out. How's that, sneaking out to NOT drink.
Life is funny.

[jessie]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Jan. 25 - Jan. 31

Dancelot, I really enjoyed your post and the wisdom in it....throwing away relationships to allow myself drinking time (alone)...that was me. And simultaneously complaining about loneliness, how insane. All the best to you all.