Tuesday October 3rd

[wwbarb]

Tuesday October 3rd

Foot

Mack - so sorry about your daughter's foot. Poor thing - the crutches are the worst part. I can personally relate - tell her to hang in there. It's so hard when it's your kids - I would rather go through it than watch my sons go through it.

Hang in there and take care of you and Mrs. Mack.

:h :h

[gabby]

Tuesday October 3rd

Janet, hilarious! Especially about the different accent and lower voices. And....the animals say things that I would never say. lol Like cus words and stuff. One time I even had the Male and Female cat get into a spousal arguement. My female who's name is Mary called the Male who's name is Bob tuna breath and everything. I'm serious.

[nomorewine]

Tuesday October 3rd

Hi everyone --

Back for a few minutes to check in quickly. What great infomation is here. SO much to to think about and reflect on. My life is different than it was a year ago and I am different. Not sure if I am better or worse!:egad: Anyway, a while back I found a site called futureme.org. You can send an email to yourself in the future. I tried it and got an email I sent to myself almost 9 months before. Its interesting to see what I wrote to myself.....

Anyway. Thanks for everyone's thoughts. You got me thinking!

Kate

[bren]

Tuesday October 3rd

Gabby: You said it all, how positive and insightful! Something for us all to really think about!

Thank-you!

[gabby]

Tuesday October 3rd

Good to see you Bren! And Kathy..thinking about you and your lunch date.
Or appointment, or what ever we are calling it.

[Mackeral]

Tuesday October 3rd

Hiya All,

After all the optamism and hope i read, and wrote this morning....Continuing with the honesty theme....Its hard to say for me but i've been drinking tonight.
Since Saturday i've been having a tougher time than usual...Its been more difficult...I dont know why...I dont know why it has been so intense..
I havnt been myself with Lisa or the kids....Not the real me...I've been snappy...Moody....In all honesty a right pain in the arse......The atmosphere has been horrible.
I dont like it and i'd had enough..
Right now as i'm typing its 10-20pm...Today went as normal till about 4pm...I had a bit of a row with Lisa (Just me being ultra sensative and making a big deal out of nothing)...Lisa gave me a few home truths......Hard to hear when your craving......So i went for a drive just to get away....and keep busy......I was on the country lanes...my blood was boiling and my skin was crawling......And like a Fu*king lunatic just started screaming...I gave it everything........Its was like months of angst escaping.....
I'm really mad with myself for drinking....But what hurts the most is that i made Lisa cry....She dosnt give up tears easy....so i know i upset her........Shes asleep now on the couch...
I wish i could just be a normal husband and dad...Thats what i want more than anything...Why is nothing ever straight forward.
Me and Lisa made up earlier on ....she just deserves better than this.....I was doing so well.....
Sorry but i needed to spill this out ......Gonna be harder to sleep tonight now.....Proberly trying to offload some guilt so i can...................Mack

[lushy]

Tuesday October 3rd

Oh Macks!!! Your post made me sad because you sound so sad. I will spare you the usual comments about not beating yourself up, because you probably will. Pick up where you left off and be proud of how many abs days you HAVE accomplished. You have been, and continue to be, an inspiration to me and I am sure to many others here. I do not know what your original story was when you first found this site but it sounds like you are in a MUCH different place than back then. Be proud of that!!!!

[Mackeral]

Tuesday October 3rd

Thanks Lush.....Thats the second time you have replied back quickly....hope i'll be there for you so fast if and when you need me:l

[tawnyfrog]

Tuesday October 3rd

Hey Macks,

It's only ONE day. So you drank today... Tomorrow you won't. I think you've just about got this thing by the goolies. Hang in there.

[wwbarb]

Tuesday October 3rd

:l Macks, we all get to be pains sometimes. Sorry you are hurting - sorry for Lisa too. I am not going to say anything trite or condescending, just know that I know you are a good person. Take care of yourself -everything will work out.:l

[Guest]

Tuesday October 3rd

I'm continually struck by how much of our journey is alone - no matter how much we share here - there is a very lonely place in alcoholism. The ONLY person that we can change is ourselves and I think I"ve said it before that change - real change is bloody hard work. It seems that when we decide to change there are these tricks or spies or sabateurs that come out to get us.. and they lurk until we feel weak and then they pounce. The only way through is to stick to the strategies that we set as if they are our lifeline... cos that is what they are.

Macks. I'm very sad that you are drinking tonight. I can say no more. You know in your heart that you CAN do this.. so get up and do it. What can you do to make it that the same situation does not occur again.

Kathy, I"m worried about you. You have a tough month coming up with things to do with your ex which seems to be a trigger for you.. and busyness at work and daughters birthdays. Are your strategies watertight?.. or are they just the same strategies as before..or do they need review? I hope you dont mind me saying this.. in some ways, I feel like I know you well..

Gabbs. I LOVE meditation. For me this has been a central cue to getting out of my brain. I found meditation so hard at the beginning.. how can i let go of the thoughts in my head.. I mean.. my brain is just so twisted and like a maze.. but learning to try to control my brain has, I think been important in my journey to sobriety.

Crikey chaps and chappesses - life is a beauty.. lets LIVE it.
Brigid

[Mackeral]

Tuesday October 3rd

Barb Tawny Brigid & Lush
You are all, and eveyone else here a real lifeline.....It might be the drink talking but i read something the other day...I think it was about Richard Prior...I know he had a lot more going on than me but something he said stuck in my head..Planted a seed again....I'm not going to say what he said but im thinking seriously about mods.....Maybe weekends......

The same quote i read also says i shouldnt drink ever again...Like i said the drink is talking now and not me...I'm gonna go bed now cause i'll proberly wake up and read here and cringe....You know what its like....Lots of love tonight Macks:l

[Guest]

Tuesday October 3rd

macks.
dont make decisions while drinking. just take care of yourself
brigid

[mikeupnorth]

Tuesday October 3rd

Macks -- I am also sorry to hear that you're drinking tonight. You know I've been there too. I'm struck by the fact that you've come back to the board so quickly -- before the incident is over, even -- to talk about it. That tells me that even in the midst of your slip you are mindful of your need for this program and recovery.

I'm really glad you're here, Macks, and in spite of this, I know that Lisa and your kids must be so proud of you. Pick yourself up and continue with the good work you started.

Mike

[Guest]

Tuesday October 3rd

Tuesday

So glad to see everyone doing so well--even Kathy and Macks. The posts today reminded me of something I was thinking about a few days ago. I really miss that warm fuzzy feeling that alcohol gave me. After a few glasses I seemed happier and had no cares in the world (even though nothing had changed in reality). The illusion that alcohol had magical powers--but yet a few hours later to be filled with self hatred, shame, guilt--and feeling just plain sick. But yet I still miss that warm fuzzy feeling--that lasts ever so briefly. But that warm fuzzy feeling comes at a price. A price I am not willing to pay. The feeling of being in a big deep dark hole--and knowing that my children would be damaged if I gave in--because it wouldn't stop at just one night. Being 61 days AF not much has changed--but everything has changed. My life is basically the same minus the self hatred, guilt, shame and remorse. And to boot I haven't thrown up 1x in the last 61 days--imagine that.

So while I may always remember that warm and fuzzy feeling--I am willing to give it up considering the price that has to be paid to get it.

I haven't been around in a while for reasons that I really don't want to go into. I do want to add--that even though Liz made several mistakes and caused a lot of turbulance--it wasn't all her fault. First there is the alcohol. But several people around here are very aware of how she gets when she drinks--and they poured fuel on the fire. I may offend a few--but if you were really so above her and her behavior why did you have to even respond to her comments? This isn't directed at anyone in particular. I would just think that people would have had more compassion and understood better. When I saw her acting up I truly felt compassion for her at those times. I knew she was going through a painful time and that is how it comes out in her. She is a beautiful person and I can only pray that she knows that.

Kim