Wednesday Oct 4th

[vinophile]

Wednesday Oct 4th

I had written a long post and then lost it. Luckily!!!! My whole post was about how I kept slipping (last night included) and how my determination has dissapeared. I have two big events this weekend which will both involve alcohol so I believe I have been sabotaging myself so that I could sneak into this weekend and continue drinking. What's the big deal if I drink on the weekend if I really haven't been completely abs during the week. My drinking over this past weekend was not out of control but,in a way, that is more dangerous. It has allowed me to think I can drink. The fact of the matter is.. my drinking was controlled because I was not in control of the bottle. As Mike said a few days ago ( and I completely agree) ...I am neither happy nor satisfied with 2 drinks. I need 5 to feel good.
So, Gabby your post was completely on target this morning. Susan, your post here was also just what I needed. It summed up everything that I have not been doing. I have been going through the motions of abs( and yes I have benefited from those motions) but I have not been doing the real hard part.....TOTALLY ABSTAINING.
I will come back but want to make sure this really gets posted
Janet

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

[Guest]

Wednesday Oct 4th

susan and gabby

Thanks so much for saying the things that I have been thinking--and Susan, I too had been staying away for the same reason. This is very serious business. I stopped posting because I did not want to be the reason someone took a deadly turn. It could come from being too stern or too supportive. When we are in the thros of this thing just about anything can lead us down a bad path. I personally have aquaintences with a friend being killed from drunk driving, a friend's sister dying from alcohol poisoning, someone who fell when she was drunk and it killed her, a someone who became paralyzed from the waist down from skiing under the influence, someone that ended up killing someone in a bar room brawl (unfortunately the person he killed was the one person trying to help him)--and these are just the worst stories that I have had contact with. I thank God everyday that all I endured was extreme embarrassment. My point is that when someone says to themselves--just this once--no one really knows what the outcome will be--especially the person who makes this decision. I am deathly scared of making that decision myself. This is a healthy fear. If I pick up again--how long will it before before I set it down again--what may happen while its going on? Those are two things that I don't want to find out. How long would it be that the damage I cause be something that I can never take back?

RJ states in her book that for "problem drinkers" they may be able to mods. by doing the program in full. I am not a "problem drinker". I am an alcoholic. That is a fact that I can not change--just like I would never be able to turn my blue eyes to brown (except for those fancy contacts)--its just a part of who I am. I can not drink because I am an alcoholic--and it can be deadly for me and those around me if I do.

Kim

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

[southernbelle47]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Some real gut-check stuff here neighbors.

I agree that it had become too ok to slip in Absville.
I have come to the conclusion that I too can not moderate. That is why I'm here. I admit that when I read about slips, my brain says well....maybe its ok for me too..... I have learned that my self talk has to say "NO' its not ok for me.

I think we do need to confess when we slip and have someone hold us accountable. Maybe thats where some of you who have some time under your belt can help out. If someone is still drinking moderately or more it's hard to come down hard on another...don't you think?

I don't know about you guys, but I can't wait to be an "old timer".

Absville is a nice place to live but like in a real town, if you get drunk....maybe toughlove or jail time is the thing we need.

Thanks Susan and all for sharing. I've missed you all here. You add stability to this town...:thanks:

Nancy & Belle:l

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Oops, ya snuck in there Janet. I do a write in e-mail then copy and paste to keep from losing my post. Plus then ya have spell check.
Oh boy do I ever agree with what your sayin on if your not doin that bad that its worse in a way cuz you rationalize a longer....not as bad binge. But still all in the same screwin yourself in the long run.
Heck....Never could I stop at just 2 beers.

[YoungAtHeart]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Well, maybe I'll be drummed out of Absville for saying this, but it is the love and support that keeps me coming back. I understand about tough love, but because of my history, it is hard for me to experience it as "love" when it feels too tough. I do understand what all of you are saying, so please don't misunderstand that.

When I have slipped, it has taken a lot of courage to come back here and admit it, and it has been so helpful that everyone has been more than loving and encouraging to me. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time at this point. This is all very scary to me to think about losing that kind of support.

Kathy

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Your not losing it Kath

[xtexan]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Hi everyone:

In response to Gabby?s call.

Still have my international visitors in at work today, and we are trying to get yet another new manufacturing job into production. When duty calls, I must place my work first.

I can offer my opinion on this. I, as a rule, do not peruse the moderation sections. I understand the thinking behind moderation, and I do believe it is possible for some to do that. But the fraction that can is a small percentage of those who have years of hard drinking history like myself.

For me, it is abstinence in totality. If I were to slip now, it would be a great shame and guilt for me. I would probably admit it here, as I know you would all understand, but it would devastate me emotionally for days, if not weeks. If I slipped back into my old pattern, then I would have to re-evaluate just why I am here on this forum in the first place, and see what things led to my slip.

I can support those who fall, and offer words of encouragement, but that is all. In a section for those whose ultimate goal is abstinence, it must be the only "accepted" way there is. That is my view.

I now know, after so many attempts at becoming an occasional, light, social drinker (whatever the heck that means), that this is just not the way I am built. I am built to function best when there is no alcohol in my system whatsoever.

I don't believe I was ever physically dependent on alcohol, but indeed I was emotionally dependent to a degree which kept me from living the life I really wanted. It was a problem that I had to deal with soon, or risk losing everything I have spent years to build in my own dysfunctional way. It really has been a pleasure these last 9 months+, to not kick myself in the behind, for missing something because of a drinking episode. This is what I must ultimately focus my sober self on.

When somebody here falls, I am in no position, in any capacity, to judge or condescend in any manner. I am in a position to identify with, and sympathize though. But in the end, it hurts me to see others fall, and in my own mind, I want them to dry out, and sober up again as fast as possible. I have just lost too much of my own life due to black-out hours, hangover hours, depression hours, etc. Those hours, when I could have been living and feeling what this life is really supposed to be about. That's just the way I see it.

I hesitate to write such things as I have above, as it may be painful, and more pain is the last thing the folks in this section need.

It is best when I can describe the days of excellence I feel now, and the days I hope to have in the future. That is the best way to support my friends who wish to adopt absolute sobriety as the natural state. That is why I try to relate my feelings about how I have come to enjoy exercising, playing, doing my hobbies, and what not. Those are the things I WAS MISSING OUT ON!!

I apologize if this brings anyone any pain, but it?s the way I see it from my own flesh and blood.

Be well.

Neil

[southernbelle47]

Wednesday Oct 4th

I think there is a fine line we have to walk here and I for one am just learning to walk......we do need love and support and to be able to be honest here.....
When we come here we need someone to tell us that we CAN do this......
You guys have been my support system and as Emeril says..............."You can just feel the love.":l
Nancy

[YoungAtHeart]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Thanks, Gabbs, smooch, more later! XOXOX

Kathy

[spacie]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Wow this is a great place, I'm still scoping out a temporary appartment here in Absville. Way to go everyone by making the choice to stay AF. There are many great words in the previous threads and I need to go back and re-read. Hope I dont' get cutoff there's quite a cloud burst going on outside. By the way my intentions and thoughts are never to hurt anyone's feelings ever. Sometimes emails can come across in the opposite manner than what was intended.

For me, it's very sad when someone slips I feel the pain, plus it scares me too. It's strangely odd to be affected by what is said on these boards. I like your team approach that we are all in this together to strive and work hard to stay AF like Sujul said "whatever it takes", and also agree there is always a place for our friends that drop the ball. This is a perfect place to ask for help and support when we let our brain tell us we might slip. Sometimes and it's not been often at all, but when talk arises about a situation that could cause a slip we need to stay strong in our resolve. When reading in some threads where someone has decided beforehand that they will probably slip it immediately hits my silly little brain, that it might be okay to slip, and I need run away. Another problem is in this stage of my AFdom reading some of the boards stories makes me want to drink - wierd. Nevertheless, I could not do what I'm doing without my supplements, and this board you all give me so much inspiration, great advice, wisdom, laughs and sometimes tears.

So, are there any good diner's here in Absville, I'm hungry.

spacie

[sujul]

Wednesday Oct 4th

No way you're losing the love and support, Kathy! What Gabs said!

I only have a couple of minutes here, but I want to clarify something...or maybe confuse it even further.....

OF COURSE, we have to be there for each other when one of us slips...that's one of the wonderful things about this site, the really great support we give and receive.... No one needs to feel judged or guilty for manifesting symptoms of the problem we are all here to deal with--drinking alcohol.

HOWEVER, if we have no real expectations that each of us is totally serious about staying abs, then what's the point? In other words, how do we not only help each other back up, but keep each other standing in the first place?

I guess I'm questioning the whole premise of Absville and what we're doing here....Are we at all accountable? What type of expectations (if any) should we have of each other? And, especially, how do we best HELP each other? Those sorts of questions....

susan

[Guest]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Gosh, I finally feel like I'm not alone anymore. Phew for Gabs and Susan...Neil and Mike (are you there? - I'm hopeful)

I know EXACTLY what they are both saying. I think I have a love/hate relationship with some of you!!!! I want you all to get to that point where you will do WHATEVER it takes, cos THEN you will GET IT. Unfortunately everyone is only where they are at the moment and it takes a few goes to get there and I'm just impatient.. if only you get there sooner then you are THERE. There are times when I see the set up for drinking happening and I simply just cant come here cos it breaks my heart and i'm so scared it might rub off on me. And then sometimes it is like one person slips and there is a waterfall of drinking going on and my heart gets broken.

I keep saying this cos its so true for me. The ONLY person I can stop from drinking is ME. Thats my lonely place. I cant control who is here and at what stage they are at so I can only work on me. I hate the fact that I get so sad when people slip.. I wish I didnt care about you all, but its also part of dealing with the different emotions without getting drunk that I need to practice.

I used to think that maybe there could be a preparation for abs forum and then one where you had got to where you will do whatever it takes, but people just post anywhere... and the long time abs board doesent get many postings.

Susan, you are here ONLY if this supports your continued abs. If it doesent then remove it from your strategies... thats my opinion. I made friends with others who have since left this site who are abs longer term and they simply cant come here anymore.. perhaps it is too confronting or what, i'm not sure. But they are doing whatever it takes for them.

Why am I still here. i find this still helps me and when it doesent I leave. Also when I started I lamented that there was no one still posting at a year and thought how good that would be for new people and thought I might try to do that.. so I am, but if it weakens my resolve I'll just stop.

Drinking is just not worth it.
Brigid

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Brigid, Im so glad you said all that. And Susan said all she said. And Neil was pretty straight forward and direct. Mike...I dont know how many days abs you have and I know you had a slip, but you are thinkin pretty much the same as all the old timers. Mack...I'm pretty sure you would have more time then me cept for the two slips. Kim, I know your up over 50 now. Remind me. Thanks for your jumpin in on the band wagon.
Honestly guys...I still feel pretty new. But I know as long as I am takin topa I simply wont drink. Feel like I'm cheatin but like Susan says...what ever it takes.

So what this post is about is that I wanted to ask Jenn and uhmm Bren, I think what your thoughts are on this all being new and kinda new? And the other newbies.

And to everyone else that has not as many days...what do you want from Absville?
Do you want to be real laxie lax where ya just only get love and support and all the oh well's and today's a new day, blah blah blah, till the cow's come home.......or do you want that plus... well ok now..... "are your strategies water tight? Or do they need review? Or do you even have a strategy?

And I am just so grateful for you Brigid, Susan, Neil, Kim, and Mike for takin the Abs stand. I know there is more I just am not in memory mode. Look how strong it feels tho. That's the way I like Absville to feel.
Anyway, my brain just now quit cuz the cats are growlin at each other gotta go. I'll be back.