Wednesday Oct 4th

[xtexan]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Hi again:

I want to share a few more things to the group here.

Even though I make good money, I used to get behind on my bills because of drinking. I knew it was because I would go on a long bender, and just pushed those things out of my mind. Then, only later, when I would get halfway cognizant, I would realize that several days had just disappeared that I thought I had.

In the last nine months, I have not missed one deadline. Because I abstain now.

Because of being drunk, I would neglect my dogs sometimes, and forget to feed them for a couple of days.

In the last nine months, I have not missed the dogs one day. Because I abstain now.

Because I was drinking and driving, I was in constant fear of being caught, and going to jail, and losing my job.

In the last nine months, I have not had that fear one time. Because I abstain now.

Because I would be to ripped to care, I would let the house fall into shambles, with laundry piled up, and dishes sitting around with crud.

In the last nine months, I would not be embarrassed to invite guests in now. Because I abstain now.

I used to call my parents, who live far away and are retired, only when drinking. I thought it made me a better conversationalist. I often thought the day after, what did they think about one of my tirades due to being drunk?

In the last nine months, they have become happier people to talk to. Why? Because I abstain now.

Because of my drinking, so many things left undone. So many things neglected. So many embarrassments to endure.

You may ask, do I miss the drink? Yes, I miss the temporary rush away from all my troubles that I thought were only a few beers away.

I thought, God, how am I ever going to get through a long vacation spell, without having my pre-bought supply of various liquors to console my boredom and loneliness?

I don?t know how to convey it with words over a computer screen, but it?s really there for you. It?s the feeling that life can be good without a drink. I am having those feelings more and more each and every day now.

Right now, I am looking forward to loading some new aircraft simulations onto my computer, and flying them in an absolute sober and clear mind. Someday, after many more months of healing, maybe I can start to do it for real.

I see things long gone, and long lost, coming back to me. Remember the words from Pink Floyds song ?Comfortably Numb?? That used to be my favorite song, and I knew all the words by heart. It?s the lines here:
--------------------------------------------------------
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, all I can say is folks. People. Fellow drinkers, and abstainers,
After many months of being clear, I am beginning to put my finger back on it now.
The child is grown, but the dream is coming back.
And I am not comfortably numb as I write this.
I feel. I live. I hurt. But best of all, I feel good to be alive.

Be well.

Neil

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Ah Neil....thank you so much.
That made me cry good tears.
And I still listen to Pink Floyd, but in a different mind set.

[vinophile]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Great question Gabby!!!!
I believe very much in what Brigid,Susan,Neil ,Mike and you other long time abstainers are saying. Sobriety must be THE goal.
However I believe MWO atttracts many people who are hoping to attain moderation ultimaltely. As the program directs we are advised to do 30 days of abstinence. If this is followed a sense of well-being and disconnection from alcohol should occur. I believe many people,after this period, go on to do mods. I do not know how successful they are statistically. Moderation is different for everyone.
I "jumped on board" an abs session in the spring because it seemed welcoming and I knew people would be struggling with me. I learned a great deal about myself and what role alcohol had in my life during this time.
As the "our community" for the abs board states ,"this is for short term or long term abstainers". It makes it more inviting to a newbie . The journey of 10000 miles begins with one step.
Abstinence is the gold standard. You long term abstainers are heros to me and I enjoy reading every word you post. It may not be easy to listen to but I know it is the truth.
This program has benefitted me immensely. I may not be picture perfect in my behavior but I have learned so much here and modified my drinking behaviors a great deal.
I know this is going to raise more questions than it answers.....and they are not easy questions...
Thanks Gabby for being our mayor during such a tough time.
Janet

[InnerStrength]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Neil: What can I possibly say? so much of what you say sounds a note within me.
Here I sit - the night of my day 4 and I feel blessed to have read what you posted. I feel renewed in my strength.
For that: thank you.
I know there is something beyond me that is giving me the strength to do this.
I love all of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart and from my soul for being here. I am almost in tears. In a really, really good way.
Hugs
Jen

[InnerStrength]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Oh Hi Gabbs
I just saw that you were asking me what I want from Abbsbille:
While of course I want support I agree that I want some a**kicking if there is a slip because I need and want to be held accountable. I think thats important. It concerns me if people somehow make me think it will be alright to drink 'cause I am afraid I might (notice I say *might because the way my mindset is these days I am REALLY determined to make this WORK!!) take advantage of it and I am terrrifed of that. Plus I am on 175 mg of topa so come on - I have the tools. So even though I want the support - (please still love me ), I only want this to a certain degree - you know, tough love. It would then be time to re-establish what I did wrong and how to prevent that from happening again.
BTW, I have anxiety. I think i need calmes forte. Does that really help a lot?
Hugs
Jen

[Newyear]

Wednesday Oct 4th

HI!!!

I only read thru page 2 -I will have to come back. Thanks Gabby - appreciate th little pat on the back for trying (page one I think)- I totally work on positive reinforcement!

I am super busy and have to get 3 days of work done tonight (doing a budget). I'm behind in 'my' work because of having to work in new orleans. Guess I'm supposed to be able to get my work done and this huge project too..hmm does not seem quite right.
Anyway...working all night tonight - literally. I have a deadline of Friday at 5pm and then a conf call Monday at 5pm to review it all.

I would much rather read all the posts right now. Hope everyone is good tonight. I'm giving myself a break in an hour so I can read more then.

You guys are all so inspiring !! Thanks. BTW - I would normally be on about glass three ----this is my busiest time of year for work...lots of stress. I've decided not to add to the stress by drinking - have to change that dialogue in my head...'alcohol adds stress..alcohol adds stress...alcohol adds stress..."

Going to make a pot of vanilla cream coffee...yum.
LOVE
LISA

[YoungAtHeart]

Wednesday Oct 4th

There is too much to respond to here, or I would be up until 3 in the morning, and I already spend way too much time here as it is.

So I'm going to just say hi to everyone and report in that I'm finishing up day 2.

Hugs to all,:l
Kathy

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Same with me.....nite all. Hope no one is offended. Love gabbs

[lushy]

Wednesday Oct 4th

As someone who is trying to moderate but thinking I may need to be an abstainer but not quite there yet, I echo Janet's post. I hope we can find a way to all work together because you abstainers give me so much to think about every day.

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Lush, thanks. What ya wrote made me read Janets post I think three times...even tho Janet you really did write that well. Its my brain. So your sayin abstinance...may be as short term as 30 days but at least that? So it could be a stepping stone to mods like a dry out kinda thing and us longer term abs are role models?
And thanks for the thanks for mayor thing. : )

[lushy]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Yep Gabby, at least for me that is how I see it.........and for those of you/us that abstain longer and/or forever you are awesome mentors for the rest of us.

[mikeupnorth]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Such a tremendous day of posts in Absville. And such an important topic to us individually and as a community.

First, to Brigid -- yes, I'm right there with you, and Susan, and Gabby and Neil and the others. In the past when I came here I had a lurking notion in the back of my mind that I might someday drink moderately -- or at least the desire that I might someday be able to. There was a part of me that still clung to the obsession that I could "somehow, someday drink like an ordinary person." I've proven to myself over and over that I can't do that. And more importantly, I think, I've come to accept that I truly don't want to drink like an ordinary person. I do not want to drink socially or moderately. If I drink, I want to drink to get drunk. I am not satisfied to have a drink or two and be done with it -- what's the point? I want to get sloshed. Even with topa, which seems to give me some ability to quit after a couple of glasses of wine or beer, I still miss the buzz and will find some way to get it. I will go for the hard stuff and slam it fast on an empty stomach. So -- I'm an alcoholic and therefore cannot safely drink anything. WHY tempt fate by even trying to moderate? I can't explain it, but it's like I finally ACCEPTED that drinking is not an option and am at peace with that (most of the time), and have made a decision that abs is my goal, not mods. That is what's different from all my previous attempts. That is what has changed, even from one month ago -- the acceptance and the decision.

Further, I've realized that my recovery has to be my #1 priority. If I let that go, everything else in my life will suffer. I can relate to all the examples that Neil pointed out such as paying bills late, neglecting the dogs, the house, calling people when drunk, etc. Not to mention the possibility of ending up in jail for a DUI or worse. I can't tell you how many times I've gone out to check the car in the morning to make sure it wasn't dented up and that it didn't have blood on it. [Scary, but absoutely true.]

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. What about Absville?

I understand that people come here with varying goals. Some are here just sort of checking things out -- testing the waters, so to speak. Some are here to do a 30-day abs, with an ultimate goal of mods. Others -- and I think this number is growing -- are here for long term sobriety. How do we all work together and support such diverse goals? How do we encourage those who are just testing the waters, but also provide the forum for accoutability for the long-term abs that we need?

A bit of history about the board here. Brigid (or RJ if you are reading) correct me if I'm wrong. But I believe this forum got started when a small group wanted to do an "abstinence event" called March Madness. The event was for one month, and designed to give support for people staying abs for March. It was popular and got revived for April, and so on. That was about the time I disappeared and went back to drinking. Then when I came back I saw the "Monthly Abstinence" forum and the "Long Term Abstainers" forum -- and my first thought was that the monthly one was for people trying to stay abs for 30 days, whereas the long term one was for people whose goal was permanent abs. I'm not suggesting that we really need to do this, but it would be one possible way to separate the conversations into two forums, especially since the long term one isn't currently being used much. In a way, the monthly abs forum could be the "getting ready for abs" forum that Brigid or Susan said something about... the place where people could figure out if abs is really what they want, and then they could move on to long term if that's the goal they choose. And of course people could read and post wherever they want.

I'm not suggesting dismantling Absville.... I love this community. I love those who have the shorter and longer term goals -- and also those who haven't decided yet. I'm just throwing something out as an option for the two communities to have separate discussions going simultaneously, since the goals seem to be quite a bit different. And I can completely understand where Susan and Brigid and Kim are coming from when they say that they sometimes stay away because they don't like seeing people slip, disappear, etc. Perhaps the long term abs board would provide the more stable kind of environment for those that choose that kind of commitment. I wouldn't think you would need a minimum amount of sober time to be in the long term abs group -- only a stated commitment that that is your goal. The monthly abs forum would be for those who are dabbling with abs or doing it for 30 days.

Anyway maybe I've just taken this a step too far. If so, rein (sp?) me in, please. I'm only on day 16 this time around but my goal IS long term abs and if I ever start sounding like I'm rationalizing or planning for a slip, I hope someone here will call me on it. I need the love and support, but I need the truth too.

If you've read this far, thanks. Hope everyone is well. Love to all.

Mike

[lushy]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Mike, I am too tired to post that much but you summed up exactly what I was thinking, thanks! I am now done obsessively checking in on this site for night. We are heading out tomorrow for a long weekend so I guess I was getting my fix. You are great with words Mike. Now go out and make a snow angel!

[gabby]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Mike You did sum it up pretty good. And you are so good at it. Heres a goodnite hug. See ya tomorrow. gabbs

[Newyear]

Wednesday Oct 4th

Hi again - still working and just took a break and read everything from tonight.
I think the bottom line is that we want to keep the focus on abstinence on this board. The times when we are all doing well - not struggling so much- we tend to not even discuss alcohol. And that is fine - we need the socializing too because that is important. We need to know each other well so we can be more help to each individual here. I think that is very important and needed.
However, some days we address the reason we are here more than others. I have a quick suggestion or thought -what if, on our first post for the day we state that we were AF the previous day?
Gets it out there and keeps it on our minds. It is also nice to be able to say "AF yesterday"! Then just go on with our post - even if the post then is about how hard it was to be AF that previous day or if that post is about you job/hairdresser/favorite tea or just whatever.
We should be proud of every day that we have chosen to be sober and every day that we have decided to not drink.
Hope that makes sense - makes sense to me right now but it is 1:30am and I'm a little tired.

When I was quitting smoking I kept telling myself 'this is hard'. We need to remember that this IS hard - hard in that it takes work, it takes setting it as a priority, and it takes 'us' putting 'us' first. We need to
always be reminded of that - and reminded that we are worth it and that what we are doing here is important.
I may be the last post tonight - so if anyone reads this...let me know what you think of the AF yesterday idea (you can tell me if it's a bit silly - I can take it ...

Back to work....budget budget budget....coffee
love
lisa