Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

[okydoky]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Hi All,
Day 22 for me and I'm done beating myself up (I think
I've been going to meetings every day (sometimes more) and just feel blessed that I was "out" for only one day. The night I drank I had poured most of the glass out and put water in its place, thinking insanely to myself "this isn't really drinking" just like the guy who put whiskey in his milk. Well of course it led to finishing the bottle....oh well...it's still one day at a time

[Horsegirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Good evening all.

Super posts this week, as usual.

Still can't believe the wisdom that comes from this thread. I am so grateful for that.

I've been able to attend a meeting each evening since I began, and really feel that I am definietly in the right place. For me, just going each night has distracted me from constantly thinking about not drinking like I have in the past and start thinking ahead about what I need to do and the changes I need to make.

From Dance:

That's the point I started looking at AA (thanks to everyone on this thread, which I really love as well). Getting to that point was actually a relief - kind of like permission to let myself do the real work now. At the start I was so concerned with just stopping and staying stopped and put a lot of energy into it. Now I can admit my life was unmanageable - at first that sounded just like words. The more I listen and think on any of the literature, the more I see. See it is me.

Thanks for that Dance - Guess that's where I am at also.

Its funny you were all talking about all women's groups, because I live in a real small community, so there is only one meeting per evening and about half that I have attended I have been the only woman there. At first I thought that would be uncomfortable for me, but I told my self to learn from the people that were there and not worry about what's not there. Anyway, they have been so wonderful. I think since I have a husband and only sons, that the male perspective will actually benefit me.

I am so thankful for the wisdom of you all. Without that I would never have taken this step, and I feel real positive about this.

Have a super evening

HG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Good morning and Happy Wednesday! Okey, it's great to see you and *hear* the resolve you have about the recent drinking episode. I'm so glad for you that you got RIGHT back on track. It also sounds like you have assessed the experience for it's learning value. AL is cunning, baffling and powerful indeed. Time to stop :b&d: yourself! Congrats on 22 days, wiser.

HG, I am so happy for you that you were open minded enough to give AA a try. That's all any of us can do with any program or support mechanism for our recoveries - give it a try and see if it works. Your post made me think back to my strong opinion that "AA is not for me" that I carried around for years without being willing to try it. I'm so glad that after reading posts here from some active AAers, I changed my mind! It feels good to pay that forward in some way. I think you have a terrific attitude about meetings - looking for who IS there and what good info for you IS there rather than worrying about what is NOT there. I too am glad that I made the committment to go daily for a specified time rather than just go to a couple of meetings and try to decide if "AA is for me" from that. What goes on in AA meetings can seem really odd at first and it took me a little bit of time to settle in. I'm glad for you that you gave yourself that chance!

I love the Daily Reflections reading from yesterday:

How often do we sit in AA meetings and hear the speaker declare, ?But I haven?t yet got the spiritual angle.? Prior to this statement, he had described a miracle of transformation which had occurred in him ?not only his release from alcohol, but a complete change in his whole attitude toward life and the living of it. It is apparent to nearly everyone else present that he has received a great gift; ? . . . except that he doesn?t seem to know it yet!? We well know that this questioning individual will tell us six months or a year hence that he has found faith in God. LANGUAGE OF THE HEART, p. 275

A spiritual experience can be the realization that a life which once seemed empty and devoid of meaning is now joyous and full. In my life today, daily prayer and meditation, coupled with living the Twelve Steps, has brought about an inner peace and feeling of belonging which was missing when I was drinking.

I still don't have what I think is a clearly defined vision of my own concept of God. Maybe I'm not meant to ever fully understand that. What I DO know is that my life has been transformed somehow. I went from being drunk every day and hopeless and suicidal to having a full and active life today - a life where I DO feel peace and serenity and contentment most of the time. I cannot in good faith try to take all the credit for that myself. If that change in my life meets the definition of "spiritual experience," well, I've had one. I don't understand how it all works, but I will keep following the suggestions if that's what it takes to keep the contented sobriety I have found.

And maybe my understanding of what "God" is to me will grow and deepen with time. For not, a little blind faith is OK - it sure hasn't HURT me, that's for sure!!!

I wasn't sure what the roads were like this morning so did not go to the 7AM meeting as usual. I'm thinking about venturing out to the 10:30 - haven't seen those folks in awhile! Strength and hope to all..

DG

[beauty91254]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Doggie girl I have a question!

Doggie girl: Where did you get the AA message for the day? That was really nice to read. Does a website send that to you each day? I don't want to go to AA but I did enjoy reading the daily thoughts. Thanks.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Hi Everyone: I'll be house-bound today, as a big storm is in the offing. I enjoyed reading the posts here. Okey: I'm especially happy that you're back on track & feeling OK about yourself. The numbers don't really count all that much. We're all in early recovery.

HG: I try not to evaluate the meetings I go to. There are definitely some I enjoy more than others. But, regardless of how I feel about it, I go to any meeting I can get to. AA meetings are my medicine in fighting this disease.

We had folks in for dinner. We've known this couple for years...their kids went to school w/ours. Their 40 year old daughter has breast cancer, & it's the first time we've seen them since she was diagnosed. It amazes me that people who aren't alcoholics never even think about numbing out w/alcohol. It's an example to me that if any kind of crisis hits (God forbid), I don't have to drink. I can get through it all feeling my feelings.

Mary

PS: DG: I loved the story about your husb's one & only journey into drunken-land.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Hi Beauty! I love going through the readings on this web link. There are a whole bunch of them. I seem to always finding something in one of the daily readings that resonates with me. Enjoy! Feel free to post your thoughts about readings - you don't have to be involved in AA to participate in the discussions we have on this thread. If something rings a bell for you, or if you have a topic YOU would like to discuss with the folks who often post on this thread, have at it!!!

Link: Daily Recovery Readings

Hi Mary! I'm very sorry to hear about your friend with breast cancer. The "C-word" diagnosis has GOT to be so devastating. I can't even imagine. It is amazing to get sober, and then to take a look around, and then to realize that MOST people are not numbing everything out with AL and trying to use AL to solve / hide / block / ignore their problems like I did. I really admire Step Coach who wouldn't even dream of relapsing even with Stage 4 lung cancer. If that doesn't show me that nothing is worth drinking over, then I don't know what does. I hope that your friend has strong possibilities for recovery with treatment.

I went to the later meeting today. I haven't been to that meeting in a long time. It was nice to say "hi" to some familiar faces and also to meet some new people. Maybe it's the process of "working" Step 12 with my sponsor, but I am feeling a stronger and deeper committment to helping others these days. I am overcoming some of my self centered trepidation about getting on the phone. I am making myself more accessible to my own sponsee and also a couple other women who I have befriended in the program. I need to also make sure I am proactively reaching out to the women who I look up to in the program so that I am also reaching out for help, and the wisdom / experience they have to offer me.

I'm still pretty amazed to realize that indeed I HAVE had an amazing spiritual experience on this journey, at least by the defnition in that reading I quoted earlier today. Who woulda thunk it.

Strength and hope to all,

DG

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Well I went to my appt yesterday, and I have thought long and hard about how to comment on it, but I'm still at a loss for clarity. I was supposed to meet with 2 persons, the Dr. and the Addiction counselor. The place was in chaois when I arrived, apparently most of the staff was out ill.

I ended up only meeting with the Dr, who has a degree in addiciton counseling but not the counselor per se. I'm still not sure how to describe him?? Looney, borderline manic?? He was calling me "crazy", and I'm not sure if he was joking or being serious as in I'm crazy cause I'm an alkie? I didn't take it personally. He had some wise things to say, such as because we are addicts we are actually 2 different persons, the addict who wants to drink and then well, me. That made sense. But basically he called me out on the fact that I had not totally committed to being AF, which I suppose I know, but that is why I am not totally AF. Does that make sense?

He had me mad and he had me thinking, but I was not impressed enough with him to pay him $600.00 for the month for what I still don't know, as he never told me what I would get. In retrospect I guess I was getting a prescription for antabuse which would cost me $150.00 at the pharmacy. Don't get me wrong, it's not just the money. But I told him my fears with Antabuse, such as I'm not 100% sure my alkie voice wouldn't convince me to drink with it. Pretty sad, but I have suprised myself on more than one occasion. I truly don't know where this other person comes from, it scares me, but it's a fact.

So here I am, $250.00 poorer but a bit more determined to make this committment than I have felt in a while. I'm really just confused and not sure where to go from here. Life is a bit gray at this time. But as I have stated before, I will NEVER give up, NEVER.

R2C

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

ready2change;803984 wrote: But basically he called me out on the fact that I had not totally committed to being AF, which I suppose I know, but that is why I am not totally AF. Does that make sense?

R2C, I actually think this makes perfect sense. The "two people" part also makes a bit of sense to me too. There is a part of me that still wanted to drink long after I knew in my heart that drinking would never work for me. It was that part of me the held me back from a true, 100% committment to AF. And I'm convinced that was the small part of me - that little part I held back for AL - that convinced me it would be OK to drink when I relapsed for 8 months. So even if the committment is 99% to AF, for addicts like us who simply CANNOT safely drink, that 1% part of us that does NOT committ to AF is our downfall. At least that's how it worked for me, and that's what I believe I see in many people who struggle mightily with relapse.

Today I feel 100% committed to my sobriety. I can also say that if I stray away from my program (for me, MWO check ins and the AA program) even for a few days, I can feel my mind drifting. I haven't drifted anywhere close to an urgent desire to drink lately, but if I stayed away too long (complacency) I have no doubt that the small part of me that still wants to drink would take back enough of my committment to sobriety to mess me up.

I don't know if this posts makes any sense LOL - but your post seemed to make sense to me!

I sense your honesty about this whole thing, and I believe that is a huge plus for you. Keep working to find it inside yourself to squelch that voice.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

R2C: I too sense your committment to a sober life. You can do it w/the help of your meds & your AA groups.

I frequently hear stories of relapses. They happen when people get complacent as you said DG. AAers delude themselves into thinking that the meetings aren't important. Once the drifting away from the program happens, it leaves us open to the stinkin' thinkin'.

Before I admitted my powerlessness over alcohol, I went into a short period of counseling. I was there ostensibly to work on my fears. In not admitting my alcoholism to the counselor, absolutely no change took place. I remember one afternoon that I went straight from the counselor's office to a liquor store.

I'm not sure why this came to mind or why I'm sharing it. Maybe your experience w/the counselor, R2C, sparked the memory. I think I could have done some good work w/that counselor had I told her my big secret.

At this point in my recovery, I don't feel I need a counselor. My AA groups satisfy my need for self-discovery, & my fears have diminished dramatically. I feel thankful for that.

Mary

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Thank you Mary and DG...I appreciate that you know I have a true desire to stop this insanity. Mary, I did not get the meds....not without the financial committment for the $600.00 he would not prescribe them. Not to say I can't go to my regular doctor and ask for them. I'm just plain scared of antabuse, I don't take any meds for anything and don't like doing so.

I don't know if any of you can relate to the "other person" your addict side? Truly mine strikes out of nowhere (I have never considered it a trigger, because I don't identify with it). I think Chief expressed it once a long time ago, how he felt like he was on auto-pilot going to the liquor store. No excuses here, not at all. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I really don't know what to do about the drinking (alcoholic) spouse. He will abstain mostly when I do, but he is right there as a willing partner as a drinking buddy. I KNOW I have to do this for myself, it just convolutes things having an alkie in the house.

Thanks for your input and listening to me. I know I need to get more involved in AA...again no excuses, but working 8-5, and not being an evening person really interferes with my motivation. Thats why I go on the weekends, but I know I need more.

R2C

[gyco]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

beauty91254;803820 wrote: Doggie girl: Where did you get the AA message for the day? That was really nice to read. Does a website send that to you each day? I don't want to go to AA but I did enjoy reading the daily thoughts. Thanks.

hi beauty,i understand you can go rt on the net and get a lot of reading material,you can even go on the net and go to a AA meeting on line,i beleieve its AAONLINE,FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS,interesting you say you dont want to go to an AA meeting,ive been doing it for 10 years off ad on,could never figure why people with 10,20,30,or 40 plus years still went,i happened to be at a meeting today,i find now the comments people make,i seem to listen to better,and understand the power within those walls,i beleive its called wisdom from,i do say it X drunks,not all find meetings comfortable,kinda like an agnostic going to church,why would they theyve never passed thro the walls,but theyve judged it ,but aftergoing in they found something new,everything they were told were not true,the program stresses you make the judgement on how you proceive AA,my dear it is just a room filled with people that dont want to drink,its nice to hear from you,and i do wish you well,i hope all have a sober and fullfilling evening,and yes folks ive been filling my life lately with AA meetings,it is nice ty all gyco

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

I still have people who drink in my life. Sat. night we are having our dinner club over. There will be wine & champagne. I know I have to be very careful, but I also know that there is nobody in that group of 8 individuals (except myself) who drinks too much. It's perfectly natural to have alcohol at a dinner like that. When I'm mentally prepared & dispose of all left-over alcohol, I've fared pretty well.

As far as meetings: I don't love every single meeting I go to. There have been disputes & even inappropriate behavior. It is a bunch of drunks (even sober ones) who are getting together in one room. However, I get something out of even the rare difficult meeting.

R2C: I don't think I would want to take a medication if I didn't have to. I've been taking my sobriety one day at a time, & that seems to work fine. As far as your husb is concerned, he has his own higher power that is guiding his life. Your HP has put him in your life for a reason.

Gyco: I too wonder about people who have multiple decades & who are still active in AA. I think that once the obsession to drink has simmered down, AA can be a great guide for life.

Mary

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Hi, everyone -

Great posts everyone, I really enjoyed reading them! We've got our own little meeting going on here!

Okey - I'm glad you're back at it. We've got a few recent relapsers at my group, but the important thing is, they are back. I hope if that were me, I would do the same thing. Having a place to go to is a wonderful and new experience for me. Learning to trust enough to be honest and feel I'm in a safe place is so different than anything I've had in my life before. But it is a great feeling.

Beauty - I love the Daily Reflections as well (though I wonder if whoever posts them lost electrical power - they were still yesterday's this morning). I find something on that site everyday to ponder or add to my list of wisdom, prayers, and sayings. I find it a really nice way to start the day.

R2C - That sounds like an "interesting" experience you had. I also understand what you're saying about the two yous, and you are being honest with the guy about how you're not 100%. That is important. I've done the "hold back information from the therapist" experience, and someone in my group brought that up yesterday as well (I swear the whole world is interconnected sometimes, or maybe just us alcoholics thought patterns). It's too bad you didn't get to see the actual therapist, and not just this guy. I hope you find something that works, and I too commend you on keeping at it and looking into different methods.

Mary - The holding back from the therapist was never admitting my alcohol use. It is amazing when AL is out of the picture, how well therapy works. By therapy, I mean AA, which is like group therapy. It reminds of the best kind, when I went to guy who taught me actual tools to use (I used to have uncontrollable obsessive thoughts, especially regarding relationships). One was identifying how I felt, what it reminded me of (the oldest situation in my past) and just by knowing what it was and facing it, it lost it's power. A lot like the anger and resentment lists with all the columns. We discussed Steps 4 & 5 yesterday, and it was a great discussion. I didn't share, but I sure did learn - I didn't want to take up time when so much valuable information was being shared. It was a very good, useful meeting.

DG - I don't have a clear concept of God either - or maybe I do. You can't see him, he's not a person, more like energy that infiltrates everything (that's what I always thought). It's everywhere, in everybody, and I think when one has any type of spiritual experience, big or small, we're tapping into and in synch with that energy. I will admit when I was a kid, my vision of the biblical God looked like the actor Martin Sheen (the first time I saw one of his movies, it was like, he looks just like God! . I didn't have the image of the grey bearded wise man God of Leonardo Di Vinci!

Gyco - I like your analogy of an agnostic judging church, even though he's never been there. I think too, until we're ready, we're not as able to listen. The more I listen, the more nuances I find. A simple but true message, that covers everything we need to live. I'm glad for you too. I was physically sober, but now I think I can be spiritually sober as well, I hope that makes sense. I agree with Mary, AA provides a guide for life.

Great talking to you all - I love the real dialog we have here! Have a great day everyone!

Oh, yeah, we have snow in Dallas today, enough to make a real snowman, my roommate from NY told me! It's a novelty here, though I know you Northerners are probably laughing! :H

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

Dance: Toward the end of the winter, there is nothing I find fun or funny about snow. I just get kind of sick of it.

As far as the auto-pilot thing: I've experienced that so many times! I would wake up in the AM saying: "Today is the first day of my sobriety." By noon, I'd be in my car on the way to the liquor store. No thinking involved. Auto-pilot all the way. I think that's why the BB readings are so valuable. They point out the cunning, powerful, & baffling aspects of the disease.

In my case, the absolute only thing that has worked is knowing I have a AA meeting later in the day. Also, my daily check-ins here are a very important part of my process.

Mary

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Feb. 8 - 14

R2C - That sounds like an "interesting" experience you had. I also understand what you're saying about the two yous, and you are being honest with the guy about how you're not 100%. That is important. I've done the "hold back information from the therapist" experience, and someone in my group brought that up yesterday as well (I swear the whole world is interconnected sometimes, or maybe just us alcoholics thought patterns). It's too bad you didn't get to see the actual therapist, and not just this guy. I hope you find something that works, and I too commend you on keeping at it and looking into different methods

Thanks Dance, for your understanding and support. I just remembered another thing he said to me (it was a bit brutal at times). He basically said, how dare I go to AA when I'm not completely sober??? And I told him my understanding was the only requirement for joining AA was a desire to stop drinking?? He said no wonder nobody wants to sponser you if your not serious about stopping. And why do I go and be with others in AA who are 100% committed to being sober. That threw me, even though I toughed him out with some of his sarcasm and rants, he made me feel like a phony for attending AA meetings, but now after I have sifted this conversation thru my head, I don't aspire to what he said.

I have heard many a speaker at meetings say it took them a long period of time to finally "get it" but they attended meetings anyways. I keep going and reading and throwing my money at different avenues just trying to "get it". The more I think about our session, the angrier I actually get. Deep breaths, live and learn. The worst thing I can do is harbor resentment, right?

I really appreciate getting these thoughts out here as I really have no one else to talk with. Duh, perhaps I could talk with fellow AA'ers at meetings??

R2c