Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Mary, I know exactly what you mean about making the right effort to connect (i.e. making a commitment!) and than at the last minute, having a sort of "buyers remorse" about it. But then like you describe, I'm always glad that I follow through. Back in my drinking days I would commit to stuff, then feel the trepidation about it, then either cancel inappropriately or drink through it inappropriately. It is taking time and effort to 1) learn how to do things like a grown up and 2) be comfortable doing things like a grown up. It's great to hear that you ended up having a good time!

Dance, I too love the debriefing and writing we do on this thread. I too write stuff in a journal but when writing on this thread, it's like interactive journaling. For me I have been going to AA for about 1 year. Actually, I think my first closed AA meeting might have been Feb 17 last year. I will be 21 months sober on 2/22. I like what you wrote about "90 in 90" being enough to focus on when brand new to AA.

I'm really missing seeing my AA friends since being holed up with my arm. I think tomorrow morning I'm going to go. A little driving won't kill me. (especially since a little typing hasn't!)

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

In the past, I did exactly as you did, DG, in terms of making a committment, & then going through it drinking/drunk. Sober is so much better. Even the awkward moments I feel when people first come in the house teach me a little something about myself. I am plagued by self-centered fear. I've had it all my life, but when I was drinking, it was so much worse.
-"What do people think of me?"
-"Am I saying/doing the right thing?"
-etc.
The more I do things, the more comfortable I get. The more I show my human side, the more I reveal my true self. I just have to make sure my intentions & motives are correct.

Mary

PS: I can miss a day or 2 of meetings, but after that, I start getting antsy. I'll be glad to attend my usual step meeting tomorrow night.

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

DG - Ooooh, I like Spam Man!
I think Chat malfunctioned! Nice talking though!

[redhibiscus]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Wanted to make a a comment to retteacher and DG about making commitments and then not following through. When I was drinking regularly, I would just go through with whatever, hungover, and pretend to myself I was fine. I remember a job interview where I was so hungover it was insane. I got the job too!!!

It was the pretending when I was dying inside that was so unbearable.

I remember thinking on the way to the interview, "I can't believe I drank last night." Truly insanity.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

RedHib: You're so right about the pretending. I just spoke about it to my husb yest. There were times I think he knew something wasn't right (he probably was in denial), but I did manage to pull the wool over his eyes many, many times...at great cost to my inner, spiritual self. I'm not surprised you got the job. We alcoholics (women especially) are good at hiding the drinking & the hangovers. We learned to function through a lot of discomfort. I now wonder how I ever did it. One of the biggest gifts of the program is being able to live honestly out in the open. I can make a mistake, mispeak, goof up, bump into things, stumble over things, etc. & not worry about whether people think I'm drunk. I can say: "Whoops, I'm sorry." And it's all over with.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Hi all! Boy I am really missing AA meetings being cooped up this week. And now I have a sore throat and some grunge coming on, so I think in fairness to others I should keep my germs to myself! So this is a time where I am grateful for MWO, and especially grateful for this thread and the Daily readings on the net, and the variety of tools in addition to meetings that help me stay grounded in sobriety!

Red and Mary, BOY can I relate to the pretending and "pushing through" things with severe hangovers. Red, your post reminded me of my last corporate job and the final interview for that. I had to fly to California to meet with the "big bosses." I arranged to arrive late enough where I would NOT get invited out to dinner. That way I didn't have to worry about having drinks on the plane, which of course I indulged in. I had a connecting flight somewhere along the way and in the smoking lounge, I met another woman who happened to be my "competition" for the job. :egad: I remember feeling frustrated that I now needed to curb my drinking lest she "think" something. I remember her suggesting that we grab a bite to eat when we got to the hotel, and me turning her down with some sort of BS. I ordered a bottle of wine from room service. (after a long day of drinking throug planes and airports) I held back from ordering two because I couldn't be TOO hungover.

I shudder to think about the condition I "masked" to head into the interview. Maybe we became better actresses due to the extra effort involved in hiding hangovers??? I don't know. But I got the job too. Thus started the "working oops I mean drinking from home" phase of my career.

That's how I used to manage my life. It was all managed around drinking, recovering from drinking, and planning of drinking.

I am SO GRATEFUL that I don't have to live that way anymore. Trying to hold up some fake veneer on the outside while devoting my life to AL, and slowly dying on the inside.

I like the 24-Hour a day reading with it's daily imbedded question. The question today is

Do I believe
that liquor will poison my life if I ever touch it again?

My answer is YES! It is poison and will poison my life AGAIN if I ever touch it.

Have a wonderful sober day all. If you are going to a meeting please know that I am mighty jealous!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

DG: I too am grateful for MWO when I cannot get to as many meetings as I'd like. I'm going tonight to one (for which I'm grateful), & yes, when you have a communicable illness, it's better to stay home. However, if you can't drive because of your arm, part of the program is asking for help, i.e. a ride to a meeting. I loved your story about the corporate job interview. I also loved the reminder about the amount of time & energy (mental & physical) went into our drinking. I managed to get up in front of teenagers & teach while suffering from a hangover. I can't imagine now how I ever did it! After all those years of teaching, I guess I was on auto-pilot. Good grief!

Mary

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Hi, everyone -

Funny you should say that DG (about not getting out for meetings). I had the thought yesterday that if anyone was interested, we could try our own little meeting right here. We all know the protocol, we wouldn't have to do the preamble, etc (in one women's meeting they skip it usually, after asking if that's OK - it's usually packed, so I think it's to save time, and apparently they do it that way a lot). Or do like they do at meetings, pick a topic, and everybody talk just like you would there. Or maybe we already do that, but if anyone wanted a real meeting, set aside an hour and meet up. Just a thought.

On the dishonesty thing, I too spent more and more time on that as the alcoholism progressed. The strange thing is now, more and more of these memories are resurfacing, often in great detail. I wonder if my brain is just more cleared up from being AF or if it has to do with learning to be honest and face up to things, and my memory is not ignoring or sugar coating anymore.

I also hid from my (now ex) partner that I started drinking agin (for 8 years!). I have no idea if he could tell. Many years ago, in one of my rare AF periods, I clearly told him I could not drink, and not to offer me beer or wine ever again (which he was OK with once he understood - he is a very light drinker when he even bothers, and was never trying to keep me drinking or anything like that). The day after 9/11, I bought one 24 oz beer. I would have gotten it the night before, but got to the checkout at 1 minute past midnight (beer is not sold after midnight). Just one, because this was a stressful time for everyone, or rather "I need it today". I had not drank in 10 months. When I'd quit before, it was most likely after a day long, throwing up hangover, which the older I got, the less I could deal with. In my 20s that happened a lot, but rarely stopped me.

The point was, I was too ashamed to tell him I had relapsed, so I hid it. If I went out with him, I wouldn't drink at an event (just before and after). I ate lots of mints, tried not to breathe too close to anyone (that's warped), and also lied to his friends and said I did not drink. Some of these were people I might have liked to get to know better on my own, but I was so concerned about keeping my story straight, I always held back.

My own friends (a different group that was unlikely to ever mix with these others) knew I drank. One close friend kind of looked at me when I told her I had 3 months AF, and came to MWO. Like I was exaggerating for whatever reason, and didn't really have a problem. But she's never seen me have more than 2 or 3 at the most over a long period of time (3-4 hours). Her ex also had become a falling down, lose good jobs, go to jail drunk. I functioned quite well in public, especially as I got older. Another friend who is very outspoken once asked me (quite loudly) if I was a drunk (which was a little shocking, but something in me respected her very honest opinion).

There was a guy at a speaker meeting who said alcoholics have a well developed BS meter - we can spot BS from a mile away since we're so good at it ourselves, and have devoted so much of our lives to it.

Ok, I guess I maybe answered my question about meetings, this sounds like one already! Thanks for listening. :h

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Mary, I used to teach riding at 8 a.m. on Saturday mornings (hated the hours, but had to do it then). I wonder if that's the reason there's sort of a stereotype of these scary middle aged women horse trainers. The horses wouldn't dare cross a hungover individual!

The very serious kids came early. Well, I guess I got discipline out of them. That is a weird thought. Eeeww....

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

I just got back from a Step 9 meeting. Very heartfelt. It's so great to get out from under all the guilt.

Dance: I loved what you said about alcoholics being good BS-meters. When I was drinking, I attended an Alanon meeting (why? twisted alcoholic thinking, I guess). I made sure I didn't share or say a word to anyone. There was a double-winner there (someone who is in both AA & Alanon) who came up to me afterward & asked me very pointedly: "Mary, are you OK?" I mumbled: "I'm tired." Both of us knew what she meant, & that I was was lying. I could almost hear her saying humpf at my lame excuse for looking bleary-eyed.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Sandwich alert!

Good morning! Wow I love the "BS-Meter" examples. I sure had my BS-Meter in high gear too. I remember times driving to work where I still felt drunk after a late nighter. There wasn't enough makeup to cover up THAT evidence. Then if the day started with a meeting - oh my - the misery just trying to keep my eyes open and somehow look unhungover which frankly was impossible. People asking (like you said Mary) "are you OK?" and saying stuff like "I think I'm getting the flu.." and just DYING inside hoping they didn't "know." Of course now I'm sure most everyone "knew." There was another female executive there who was also a heavy drinker. I remember people commenting to me about HER looks - "must have been a rough night..." type comments. The comments they would make behind her back. I'm sure plenty of those comments were made behind my back. Who did I think I was kidding???

Oy. I'm glad I don't have to live like THAT any more!

Dance it was great hooking up with you in chat yesterday - like a mini meeting which was great for me since I'm still limiting my activites. On one hand I'm frustrated to get a sore throat / cold / whatever but hey - it's winter and that stuff happens. I'm glad I have MWO AND AA as part of my plan!

Mary, it really does feel good to get the monkey off our backs in Step 9. I am really seeing that it's an on-going process. Most of my high priority amends (i.e. close family) are done (well, the living part is on-going but you know what I mean). But I continue to run into people where amends may be appropriate. I'm learning to face these people head on rather than avoid them. Then I try to "take it easy" and see how things develop and wait for the right timing (if it comes) for an amend. A little help from the universe. One of my neighbors that I used to drink heavily with got in touch with me through facebook. So far we have left the past alone and are just exchanging messages "catching up" with the "now" part of life. Had this person contacted me a year ago, I would have been all nervous and worried about what I was going to say if he brought up the shitty things I've said and done while drunk. Today I'm just letting it happen naturally and if the past comes up (or if it seems I should bring it up) I will do so in a matter of fact way. It is what it is and I can own up to it. I'm hoping we stay and touch and that eventually I DO feel the opportunity is right to make an amend. I will feel "cleaner" going forward as I always do.

I have another situation that feels a little more complicated. I haven't had a chance to talk to my sponsor about it yet. Dance if I bump into you in chat maybe I'll run it by you to see what you think. I don't trust my own judgement on this. Actually, I don't even have a feeling about what I should do one way or the other. So I'm just sitting on it for now. But once again, I don't feel worried and stressed. I don't have an answer yet so I will just wait until I do, and in the mean time not worry about it.

This is getting long but since this forum is weighted so much towards women, I just have to quote this from the daily readings:


Daily Reflections


I'M NOT DIFFERENT

In the beginning, it was four whole years before A.A. brought
permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the "high
bottoms, " the women said they were different; . . . The
Skid-Rower said he was different . . . so did the artists and the
professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the
Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners. . . .
nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very
much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are
finally down.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 24

I cannot consider myself "different" in A.A.; if I do I isolate myself
from others and from contact with my Higher Power. If I feel
isolated in A.A., it is not something for which others are responsible.
It is something I've created by feeling I'm "different" in some way.
Today I practice being just another alcoholic in the worldwide Fellowship of
Alcoholics Anonymous.

I also like that this reading stresses our personal responsibility. If I feel isolated, that's my own fault - nobody else's. I always thought the word "powerless" in Step one (before going to AA) meant that I was not responsible for anything, and that AA was about just sitting on my butt and waiting for God to take some action in my life and solve my problems. :H Little did I know how much AA teaches us how to GROW UP and take ownership of our responsibilities instead of burying them in the bottle or anywhere else.

And no, I am not unique and different. Thank goodness.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

DG: I've read that passage about feeling "different." That feeling still plagues me sometimes, & if I let myself, I could rationalize myself out of being an alcoholic. When I go to meetings & notice all the tatooed guys, the homeless, & the excons, (I'm not saying that disrespectfully), I have to force myself to recognize that I am just like them. Except I never got caught & was bailed out in many ways. Given enough time, I would have lost all that I have. Absolutely NONE of the normal drinkers I know drank the way I did.

BTW, I recently saw that same woman from Alanon who asked me if I was OK. She made a point of telling me how wonderful I looked. I haven't been to that Alanon meeting in a long time, as it coincides w/my step meeting. I'm SURE she knows where I've been.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Mary, the process of dropping my pretenses and accepting the similarities I have with all KINDS of people has been so positive. The possibilities in life for friendship and support are just hidden all around us. I was blinded and limited by my own ideas of how I was "different" than others. We are all connected.

I'm guessing there are lots of people in my life who have figured out I had a massive drinking problem and can easily guess why I don't drink any more. When I go to business functions now AF, it is so easy to tell the ones who are sneaking extra drinks, etc. and get that glassy eyed look, even if they are not slurring or whatever (yet). I know for sure that was me. I'm sure my eyes were just as glassy as anyone else's eyes after 4 or 5 glasses of wine when maybe ONE would be the appropriate amount. (or zero) I used to worry (what a waste of energy!) about people *knowing.* Now I don't care. If anyone asks me why I'm not drinking (which they generally don't) I'm happy to tell the truth is some form. ("it doesn't agree with me" is just as true as "I'm an alcoholic")

I am also getting used to bumping into people from AA in unexpected places. LOL, the other night Mr. Doggy went to a business function without me. A guy I know from AA (and have seen at this particular function before) introduces himself to Mr. D and said "I see your wife in the morning for coffee sometimes." :H Mr. D quickly figured out that was a little code for AA. This guys wife is a client of ours. Especially when situations like this would come up in business, I used to get really nervous about it. I really don't any more. We are all just people and we all have problems. I would rather know someone is addressing their problem through AA (or whatever vehicle for some problem) than NOT addressing it as I used to do as a "glassy eyed person."

OK - more rambling. I think I'll go see if anyone is in chat! I'm guess I'm missing *talking* at the morning meetings!

DG

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

Hi all...I have been wanting to attend a womens meeting that takes place during the week at noon. It has been difficult for me because of my work schedule, and my boss is extra nosy, so I would need to concoct some sort of story to get a bit extra time and take my lunch a bit later, (I go from 11:30-12:30). I don't like womens meetings as much as mixed meetings, but I figured in all fairness, I would attend a different one and see how it goes.

Wednesday nite I was rubbing my eye while watching American Idol. I was doing this subconsciously and began to notice my eye felt "strange". I went to check it out in the bathroom and the white of my eye was swollen and extremely red. I called my hubby to take a look and he did a "semi" freak out, and he NEVER does this sort of thing. He got out the phone book looking for eye doctors (like they would be open at 8:30 at nite!). We finally decided to go to the emergency room...he said it would make him feel better. It ended up being a scratch on my cornea, no biggie, thank goodness. But I used this opportunity the next day to say I had to go to my eye doctor for a follow up (I hated misrepresenting the truth...umm lying) but I really wanted to try this meeting out. I hurried over there, parked in the wrong spot and walked for what seemed like miles, only to find out that the meeting isn't on Thursdays, it's on Wednesdays!! My bad...in my hurry to sneak and lie at work, I misread the day!

I have to assume that was not meant to be!! Has anyone read the work of Byron Katie? She is phenomanal...there is a free download of a mini verison of her book "Loving What Is" and it just makes so much sense! Check it out by googling her, it will take you to her website.

DG, I hope you get over your cold soon, my hubby was sick for over a week with his. I'm hoping my new tonice of ACV and honey will keep the cold germs away from me.

Everyone, have a great day!

R2C

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 2/15 - 2/21

R2C - That does sound like like one of those little divine reminders or whatever you want to call it - and the old HP has a sense of humor about it too! :H I find when I change my perspective, and look at it that way, it makes life so much easier. It wasn't meant to be (at least not right now). I used to just get real pissed off (of course being hungover probably didn't help that!).

Mary and DG - My usual BS story was "allergies". Since i live in the allergy capital (or close) it's year round, and causes headaches, puffy eyes, etc, even if it's not the sneezy kind. Though my roommate (who's sort of a smartass anyway) greeted me a few mornings with, "Hungover?" which of course I denied, but then got paranoid over.

Have you seen the TV show The Office? There's a character who is an alcoholic, who when asked for suggestions to improve work productivity or something complains that the lights are turned up too bright first thing in the morning. I used to really despise cheery "Good morning!" greetings. I wanted to throttle chirpy morning people. My allergies, you know.

Have a great day! :h