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    Monday, October 9th

    Good Morning Absville!

    Welcome to Monday morning. Hope you are all well-rested from the weekend and ready to face another week.

    Today’s topic is “willingness.”

    Looking back through the history of our posts here, this is a theme that comes up time and time again. What lengths are we willing to go to to meet our goals? Recognizing, of course, that our goals may not all be the same. But we are all here because of a drinking problem, and we all want to get better – whatever “getting better” means to us. So just what are we willing to do to make that happen?

    If I look at my own drinking career, here are some of the things I was willing to do in order to have alcohol in my life:
    • Spend up to $20 per day just on booze (more on related booze-induced activities, such as hours-long phone calls, cab fares across town, etc.)
    • Risk my own life and the lives of others, as well as my freedom, by drinking and driving
    • Miss countless hours of my life in blackouts
    • Spend countless days of my life in devastating hangovers
    • Throw away almost every shred of self-respect
    • Walk to the store for a bottle of liquor when it was 50 below zero
    I think you get the picture. If I wanted a drink, as I frequently did, there was nothing that would stand in my way. Absolutely nothing. Have you seen homeless people begging for money? And you know that when they get enough they are going to buy a bottle with it? That could be me. Or the prostitute trying to earn enough for her next fix of heroin? Same thing. It’s only a matter of degree. If I look down my nose at those people I am being a hypocrite.

    So, if I am serious about getting over my alcohol “problem,” then what am I willing to do? Ha – there is a part of me right now that is just rolling on the floor laughing, as they say. For me it is kind of like this: if a doctor told me I had cancer, but if I really committed myself to doing certain things, I could keep it at bay and I could live a normal life span. Is there anything I WOULD NOT be willing to do? I truly think that (in my case, at least) this is a life-and-death situation. If I were to go back to drinking, maybe it wouldn’t kill me this month, or next. Or even this year, or next. But it most certainly would shorten my life, and do so substantially. And in the meantime, of course it is a “quality of life” issue.

    So, I will take a prescription medication – forever if necessary. I will take supplements. They are a little costly but not so costly as the booze was. And yes, I will do hypnotherapy. I will get off my lazy butt and exercise. I will get online for an hour or more a day and pour my thoughts out to people I have never met. I will stay away from bars and drinking buddies. (Change my playground and playmates.) I will occasionally go to AA meetings – even though they sometimes get on my nerves – because I do pick up tools I can use there. I will ride out the hard times or see a shrink or do whatever I need to to get through them. (God, please don’t let me change my mind.) I will do anything I can to beat this thing, because I believe my life depends on it.

    Where the rubber meets the road, though, is what am I willing to do when I start to have a craving. What do I do when I feel like isolating. When I feel pissed off at others in my life. When I don’t want to do what I know I should. My willingness seems to VANISH when I am in a bad mood. That’s when I am most in danger. We all go through these feelings, and that is why I thought we should talk about this.

    I just don’t think this business of recovery is something you can do half-heartedly. I have learned that all too painfully. I spent at least an extra year rolling in the mud because my heart wasn’t in it fully – I wasn’t willing to go the extra mile.

    My biggest fear is that I will someday, somehow lose sight of my goal and my current conviction and become unwilling to do what I need to do to remain sober and healthy. I know all too well where that can lead. I can’t predict the future, but I want to do anything I can to stay on the right track.

    So it’s out there. How would you rate your willingness? It’s not a contest…. It’s a chance to take honest stock of where you’re at. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would say I’m at a 10 today. But that is not my constant state. Sometimes I’m at an 8, or a 6, or even a 2. It’s all in attitude, I guess. Ask me again in 2 weeks and I hope it is still a 10.

    And if there’s something you find you’re not willing to do – is it that you are not ready to do it yet? Is it something you fear doing? Just tryin’ to get the discussion going here….

    What is it you say now, Kathy?

    Bump.
    "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

    #2
    Monday, October 9th

    Good morning Absville,

    It is early here , 4:30am. Hubby just left for his one day in the city at the office. Yawn!!!!!!!! Back to bed soon for me & Belle.

    I spent yesterday afternoon at a hospital with my only uncle on my mom's side. He is in heart failure and was only at 15% yesterday. He was alert and talking to us most of the afternoon. His life has been such a blessing to me. His daughter, my cousin has been my best friend all my life. When things were bad at my home as a child, I would go spend time with them or my grandmother. It was a place where I felt unconditional love. I was able to share with him how much I love him and what he has meant to me all these years. He "saw" his mama in the room......This man was in world war two(the greatest generation) and lived a good long life. He didn't drink or smoke. His children and grandchildren love him, and he they, with a love close to Agape love.
    (God love) Self-less love. It is awsome to get to the end of life here on earth and already be spiritualy moving into our next life. I pray that everyone here at sometime be able to experience that.

    On the way home (60 miles) we got in Talladega race traffic. One white pickup truck pulled over twice for it's passenger to throw up.......This race track is a place where people go and drink , some for two days.
    What a contrast........I had just left the bedside of a sober, God fearing man and then drove home watching a man puke his guts out. I wonder if he will tell everyone at work tomorrow, If he goes, what a good time he had?

    Sorry Mike..........off subject....but not really. More later.
    Love,
    Nancy:l
    "Be still and know that I am God"

    Psalm 46:10

    Comment


      #3
      Monday, October 9th

      Good day to you all,

      Interesting subject for today Mike.. I think im still at the point where im just begining to realise the lengths that i will go to in order to aid my recovery. I too am willing to change my old social habits so as not to place myself anywhere near temptation, I have told my close friends this and they are being very supportive...we'll go the cinema or just out to eat rather than going to bars or clubs. Im going to AA as well as using this site. I am no longer willing to spend ?20 per day on booze and things related to it and i am also no longer willing to make myself and everyone around me sick through my drinking...I really do feel so much better now that i am AF...I only hope that this strengh and determination stays with me, Im feeling positive!!

      Today is my first day back in work after 4 months off with depression, I was so nervous this morning but i feel great now...its so nice to be back feeling better.
      My colleagues have been lovely all really pleased to see me back..so today is a very good day for me, in fact im sat here smiling like an idiot while i type this..lol!!

      Hope everyone is well and wishing you alll a good day

      Loves

      Lou-Lou x x x
      "Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around"...Penelope Cruz...Vanilla Sky

      Comment


        #4
        Monday, October 9th

        You're BAADDD, Mike!!!

        Mike, you're quite naughty, singling me out like that!! It's good that we're such good friends!:H Was that bump the sound of me, hitting you over the head with a pillow??? I can see the feathers flying as I type!

        At any rate, I don't think I'm at the point where I'd do ANYTHING for my recovery, but I don't think I'd walk in 50 below weather for booze either. Right now, I'd say my commitment to ABs is an 8.5 on a scale of 10. Yesterday, it was about a 6, so I just hung around the house and worked on stuff and watched football. I'm avoiding temptation, taking my topa and supps, making sure I get rest (the topa MAKES SURE I get rest!), and keeping the fridge stocked with nice things to drink instead of booze, no alcohol in the house, etc. I'm sort of sad that I didn't have the opportunity to have an AF social event this weekend. That would have been a triumph--nice to prove I could do it.

        I can see my attitude changing toward the idea that it doesn't need to be THAT big of a deal not to drink at a social occasion, but I still need to put that to the test. I can also feel the little voice inside of me growing stronger--that little voice that points out to me the ways that I can lie and rationalize to myself about drinking. That voice used to be practically non-existent, but it is growing. It is reminding me of how bad it can get. I think I am "getting it" that I really can't have "just one or two", no matter how attractive that might seem. There have been several times this weekend where I would have just loved to have a glass of wine, but it would have turned into a bottle! Especially yesterday.

        It's also nice to have $40 in my wallet, and still have most of it there a few days later, instead of a few empty wine bottles! Just think, disposable income that isn't "disposed" (thrown away) on wine!

        The funny thing about ABS for me is that I always fuss and fume leading up to ABS, but once I start, I JUST DO IT. All the build up and anxiety and fear is really needless, but I do it anyway. Don't know why.

        Anyway, I'm ending up posting because I couldn't find a few critical papers I needed in the black hole that is my kitchen table! I frustrate the *#*$%! out of myself sometimes. So I will have to make a few calls this morning and get replacements faxed to me, but it was too early to do so right now, so I thought I would get on and say hi! and respond to Mike (you devil! LOL!)

        Lou, it is good to see you, and I'm thrilled that you are back at work!! I'm imagining you smiling from ear to ear, and it is a lovely thought!


        Nancy, always good to see you love! I would love it if you explain AGAPE love. Thanks for telling us about your uncle. He sounds like an extraordinary man. May God bless him in his journey!


        Anyway, that's all for now!


        Hugs,

        Kathy:l
        AF as of August 5th, 2012

        Comment


          #5
          Monday, October 9th

          Hello Mike
          Another great topic thanks!
          What am I willing to do to beat this thing?
          Well, I am certainly going to continue to take the prescription medication – forever if necessary, despite some side effects that I find less than pleasant. I will continue to take the supplements and will push myself to get into a more regular workout routine. I will continue to visit this forum everyday and talk to you beautiful people. I have already begun changing my relationships with people who are not supportive of my recovery (or who hinder it). Example, I recently had to tell a best friend that I would no longer be able to spend time with him as he is not supportive of me and in fact, has always tended to scoff at me when I spoke of quitting drinking (he tends to have issues with drinking). Recently he taunted me to "come downtown to have drinks". It broke my heart since we have been friends forever, but i had to do this for me. I wish him the best and I will pray for him but that is all I can do for him at this time.
          I am taking this one step at a time. But those are the things I am willing to do as a start - plus anything else as needed. I have also looked into the rehab centre my mom just got out of, if necessary,
          Love jen
          Over 4 months AF :h

          Comment


            #6
            Monday, October 9th

            Hi guys....I'm backkkkkkkkkk!

            I promise this time to try and stay on subject. For awhile, anyway!

            What am I willing to do?

            Admit that I have a problem
            Admit that it is bigger than me
            Ask for help
            Put up healthy boundries so that I don't fall for my triggers
            Eat "slow" food
            Exercise
            Retrain my brain to think correctly
            Take natural supps
            love myself
            Lay my problems at the foot of the cross...everyday and don't pick them back up...

            Thanks Mike for the subject.

            Kathy...........I would Love to share with you what Agape is.....I looked it up on Crosswalk.com - Devotionals, Christian Music, Family, Christian News, Forums & more
            just to be sure.
            Agape
            ajgauph
            Greek word for Love, Charity, Dear
            Brothery Love, Affection, Goodwill, Love, Benevolence

            "As the Father has Loved me, so have I Loved you; continue in my Love."
            John 15:9
            These are the word of Jesus. I can only share what they mean to me personally.
            God , my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He came to earth in human form(Jesus) to be the blood sacrifice for my sins so that I may have eternal life and be with Him forever.
            ize: 13px;">Before He came people had to offer animals to cover their sins. The high priest took these into the tent(Holy place) and offered them to God. Blood always had to be shed. When Jesus died ,the curtain in the tent was torn from top to bottom to give us access to the Father and Jesus became our High Priest.

            This is Love in it's purest form...God's Love...Greek word-Agape Selfless love.......He gave ALL His blood for me-us. :h

            I hope I answered your question.
            Nancy:l
            "Be still and know that I am God"

            Psalm 46:10

            Comment


              #7
              Monday, October 9th

              It's a real quiet Monday around here!!!
              Once again great topic Mike!
              My wedding was a challenge to me as liquor did flow.My drinking gal pals were there and they certainly can make drinking look appealing. They know my drinking habits and were curious about the headache which prevented me from drinking.Anyway I made it through AF but it was hard.
              Yesterday my resolve was a 9 thankfully. Today, I'm floundering at about a 5.Happily there is no wine here and in Mass liquor stores close on holidays at 6. By tomorrow hopefully I will have gathered some more resolve.
              I will continue to take my supps,exercise and do my reading about recovery.

              What continues to be an issue with me in not drinking is that for so many years I have fashioned my life around people and events which involve alcohol.Most of these people do not have drinking problems. I know my good friends would completely understand if I told them I could not drink anymore.While I am fine with going out with these drinking friends for now I know eventually this will chip away at my resolve. I do not know if I have the 10 resolve that is necessary to dissassociate myself from the drinking environment around me.
              For me right now, one day at a time works.
              Janet







              j

              Comment


                #8
                Monday, October 9th

                i'm willing to do ANYTHING not to die from a drinking death which is where I could have been heading. Its no longer an option for me to have drinking in my future.

                Who needs it.

                bleak huh.
                Brigid

                Comment


                  #9
                  Monday, October 9th

                  Where is everyone today???

                  Janet, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about having your friends look so appealling drinking wine. Heck, in my mind's eye, I look awfully appealing drinking wine!! Elegant, refined--oh, I can see it now. I used to be able to do that. The REAL me, however, can put away a bottle of wine or more while I fart around on the computer, neglecting my paperwork and my housework, and then I get rather cranky because the paperwork and housework fairies don't come and do it for me. Anyway, I empathize with your struggle greatly. If there is anything that I can do to help, please let me know! And also,

                  :good: getting through yesterday.

                  Thanks for explaining AGAPE, Nancy. I have often seen it on church signs in the past, but haven't known what it meant. I used to attend church regularly until about a year ago, but the distance became to great, and I was feeling increasingly disconnected from the congregation.

                  Lou, you'll have to fill us in on how the rest of your day went at work. I hope you will get in the habit of posting regularly!!

                  Jen, I am sorry about your friend! How unsupportive. I guess that deep down inside, he afraid about losing a drinking buddy, but I'm sorry that you have to go through that! You seem to have your head screwed on straight about it, though, and I am glad for that.


                  I'm glad that my bigggest battle is just with myself. It is hard to imagine having to battle with others outside of myself about this. Battling myself is hard enough.


                  I'm struggling a bit tonight. It's loneliness. I get off early on Mondays, and Maddy was actually home. Not long after I got home though, she took off with friends. The fact is that I hardly see her anymore, and it is really making me sad. I felt like getting really angry at her, even though it is not like we had made plans or anything. I think I need to talk to her and tell her that I would like to have dinner with her at least one night a week and ask her to put that time aside. I am missing my girl a lot, and it is really making me sad. Unfortunately, her crap is still ALL over the house, and that makes me MAD! Oh well....such is life. They say this last year is so stressful so that you are READY when they finally leave to go away to college. She just sent off her application to my alma mater last evening!


                  Anyhoo......finishing day 7


                  Love to all,

                  Kathy:l
                  AF as of August 5th, 2012

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Monday, October 9th

                    HI!!! Was It Me you were Missing!!! :H

                    I had a very long work day today...in fact it is still going on. We had a conf call on that fun budget I've been working on. I was supposed to go back to new orleans today but cancelled this weeks trip. Now I just got an email saying they still need me to go there ARRRGGH.

                    What will I do to not drink? Talk myself down off the ledge in situations just like this. I was so upset on my drive home today. Thanks to Gabby I kept repeating "skip on by, skip on by'....!!
                    I even joked about drinking today with my co - workers - we all has quite a day today.
                    But I knew in the back of my mind that I was not going to drink. I will not allow this job or anything relating to my job make me feel I "deserve" to drink. I have to change the "I deserve to", to "I deserve Not to".
                    I am willing to do deep breathing instead of drinking.
                    I am willing to call a friend and yell about my day instead of drinking.
                    I am willing to cry and be sad and cry some more and be frustrated - instead of drinking.
                    I am willing to come here and talk to you guys and listen to you all and remind myself what I'm doing - instead of drinking.

                    I don't know where I am on the scale today. Although when I thought about drinking it was more a reflex thought and not an actual thing I was considering doing.
                    I feel pretty strong now - but that is when I tend to run into trouble too ....I need to always remind myself that I'm doing this for a reason - not just a fun thing to try. It is real that I have a problem. I like to think that I'm exaggerating my own problem and I don't really have a problem. I really have a problem.
                    whew...and see, now I feel so much better. I also decided I could order chinese food instead of drinking - so I'm going to go have my general tso's chicken now.

                    If anyone is still reading I have to tell you something that made me laugh. In the shower this morning I was thinking that I would be too busy to check in here today. I was concerned about it and then I thought
                    "oh, that's ok, I'll just call them"....took me a minute to figure out why that wouldn't work ...and I'm not even taking Topa!! I just want to say thanks again for every single one of you! Thank you so much.
                    Ok...I'll check back with you all later....sorry I'm not mentioning anyone by name - but I mean this to be to everyone here .
                    Love :h
                    Lisa

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Monday, October 9th

                      Hey Mike:

                      I was reading about your scale of 1 to 10 about willingness and drive to stop drinking.

                      I thought about it all day.

                      Tomorrow will be day 300 in a row being AF.

                      Every single day, my drive has been a 10, except for one day that was a 9 last month.

                      That day I had the 9, it scared the crap out of me, and I found this forum immediately, and started posting immediately. I wanted help, and I wanted it before I even got close to being at the 8 level.

                      You see I would be at zero to start drinking anything again. So even a small slide down the scale was enough to make me take immediate action. Just that small drop from 10 to 9, kicked off alarms in me like crazy.

                      Thats the only way I know how to answer the question of my willingness right now.

                      Neil

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Monday, October 9th

                        Thanks

                        Wow -- what great posts. I just love this place. I want to thank you all for sharing so much of your lives here. I know you do it because you want to get better, but it helps me get better too. I learn something from each of you every day. Here, let me show you.

                        Lou, you taught me today that our drinking doesn't just make us sick, but also those around us.

                        Kathy, you taught me to pay attention to that little voice inside, that still small voice that tells me the truth about myself. The one that tells me when I am lying to myself. You also reminded me that when my willingness isn't there (maybe it's at a 2, or even a 0) I have the option of JUST DOING IT. Put one foot in front of the other until I feel willing again.

                        Jen, you taught me today that there may come a time when I might have to make a painful choice in order to stay sober (and therefore: alive). If a friendship of mine becomes poisonous in that way, if it undermines my sobriety, I will have to do the same exact thing.

                        Nancy, you taught me today that, through faith, I can lay my problems down -- give them to God, and not pick them back up. I may find that I have them again tomorrow (I'm selfish that way, I keep taking them back) but I can keep laying them back down, and He will keep on taking care of them for me.

                        Janet, you taught me today that I don't have to have all the answers right now. I can just take it a day at a time, and as long as I don't drink, I am OK.

                        Brigid, you taught me today that it is good to keep things simple.

                        Lisa, you taught me today to change my thinking, and say "I deserve to be sober; I will reward myself with another day of sobriety."

                        You are all really wonderful -- and I'm so glad to be on this journey with you. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with me.

                        By the way, Kathy and I are having a pillow fight tomorrow at 8 PM Eastern Daylight Time. Anyone care to join??

                        Mike

                        P.S. Where's everyone else? Macks? Lizzie Mouse? Gabriella?
                        "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Monday, October 9th

                          Neil --

                          You and I must have been posting at exactly the same time. I hit submit and there was your post.

                          Wow, a willingness of 10 for 299 of the past 300 days. Somehow, having read your posts these last several weeks, I am not surprised. That must be how you've made it so far.

                          I have learned from you that I don't have to let anything stop me. That I can accomplish my goals, if I stick to them and work hard. You really are an inspiration to me (and probably to many others on this board).

                          Thanks --

                          Mike
                          "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

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