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    Tuesday, October 10

    Good Tuesday morning Absville!

    Ya know, I just realized that I have been neglecting one of my mayoral duties. :blush: Why didn?t someone tell me? OK, it?s my first time doing this job, so hopefully you?ll cut me a little slack. But the first person to post a reply every day is supposed to get a prize, paid for by the city! And some of the prizes are pretty nice. I forget who it was during Gabby?s reign that won a motor home ? was it Brigid? Gina? Anyway, be sure to jump on board and post first thing?. The city council has approved a large budget for this week?s prizes. And I have some catching up to do on doling them out!!

    Also my hypnotherapist got me to thinking (I know, dangerous, huh) about what are the benefits I get from drinking. I mean, human beings don?t do anything without a payoff. We?re pretty selfish that way. Even when we think we are doing something charitable, there is still a payoff (it makes us feel good that we?re being charitable). So if we keep on drinking in spite of how miserable it makes us, what?s the bloody payoff? That?s what I want to know.

    I can accept that my brain has some screwed up wiring, and that maybe I?m genetically predisposed to abuse the stuff. But what does it actually do for me? Hmmm.

    I can also accept that I should not ? no, cannot -- drink any more. I?ve used up all my drinking tokens. It?s just not an option. So whatever it was that drinking accomplished for me, I have to find another way to achieve, or live without having that need met.

    So for instance, here are just a couple of examples.

    ?Drinking helps me to relax.? OK, well, I suppose this is true. So would Ether but I don?t use that. Does that mean I can?t relax without alcohol? No ? I was perfectly capable of relaxing without it for 21 years before I started drinking. However, I am grossly out of practice doing it, and need to re-learn this skill. This will be a challenge for me in recovery.

    ?Drinking helps relieve stress.? Oh yeah. Right. It does ? for a few hours. Then the next morning I have rebound anxiety, and the stress is worse. So this is not really a benefit, but an impairment. It causes more stress in the long run.

    ?Drinking helps me to be more sociable.? Hmmm. Well, yes and no. It certainly removes inhibitions. And if I happen to be around other people I will talk to them more. I might even tell them things that I shouldn?t tell them ? things that I would regret telling them, if only I remembered telling them the next day. That?s one benefit of blackouts, I guess. And maybe it is considered to be more sociable to walk up to complete strangers in bars and plant a big drunken kiss on them. Yeah, that?s sociable all right, until you get punched in the face. But the last year or so of my drinking I became an isolated, stay-at-home drinker, because I was too scared to drink in public. I was afraid of what I might do or say, and end up in our local small-town paper. So it is hard to be sociable alone in one?s apartment, unless you count chat rooms or the telephone.

    OK, so far alcohol has scored about half a point for relaxation, and that?s it. What else did it do for me?

    I think the two main things it did for me were these.

    1. It kept me from facing reality. I didn?t have to deal with emotions. I didn?t have to grow up and have real relationships. I didn?t have to face certain aspects of myself that I didn?t like.
    2. It served to reinforce my low self-esteem. I believed that I didn?t deserve to be happy or healthy. Maybe I got used to the constant drama of drunks and hangovers and the turmoil surrounding them. The routine of drinking, remorse, swearing off, relapsing, the whole cycle just served to show me I was a failure. And I think that is why I had such a hard time letting it go.

    So ? it did serve a purpose in my life. It did do something for me. It wasn?t something positive, but it was something I apparently wanted or needed on some level.

    We all drink for different reasons. If alcohol has any true benefits for you, and your goal is to stay sober (even for a short time) then you must find an alternate way to meet those needs. So I?m curious ? what makes the ?drinker? in you tick? Can you identify any of the things that alcohol truly accomplishes for you?
    "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

    #2
    Tuesday, October 10

    Hi Mike,
    Great, thought provoking post. I have always referred to my 'drinking' as a 'hand brake'. I think I have told myself I use it to relax, unwind, chill out, get merry etc, however it has always just held me back from being happy and realising my true potential. I think I am actually frightened of being truely happy, clear headed, healthy and normal.
    I am going give this a long long think about today.
    Thanks
    Amelia
    Amelia

    Sober since 30/06/10

    Comment


      #3
      Tuesday, October 10

      Good morning abbers,
      This is just a quick one to let you know i havnt disappeared, just stupidly busy....Hopefully be able to catch up with reading and posting tomorrow.....Still not drinking....Miss you all loads....Macks
      I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
      One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

      Comment


        #4
        Tuesday, October 10

        Mike! Youare the bomb as mayor! I have really enjoyed (quietly) your posts this week. They have helped me tremendously! So much to ponder. I feel like I have lived and felt all that you describe so well. I endured a very stressful situation at my new job last Wednesday and didn't handle it that well. I work for an extremely stressed out OB/Gyn MD....type A all the way, chauvanist and Jekyll and Hyde personality on top of that. I brought something to his attention that happened in the office that was quite significant. He pulled me into the office and berated me inappropriately to no end...obscenities and all. In 23 yrs of working, I have never endured such unprofessional conduct. My defense always comes out quite reactionary. I hold grudges when I feel I have been wronged. I made the mistake in confiding in 2 of the medical assts in the office and shared my opinions of this creep in several colorful words. Yes, it got back to him. He emailed me quite a threatening email as he is paranoid I will tell my fellow coworkers at the hospital job I recently gave up (Unfortunately!!). In the meantime, I contacted my previous employer at the hospital and she said I could have my old job back. It's been less than 30 days so I will lose no seniority. I bawled when she told me this. Such a weight was lifted. I've been given such a gift and may have needed this experience to really know and appreciate the beauty of this former job. I will even embrace working weekends, 12 hour shifts and holidays without grumbles. There's much more to the story, but don't want to bore you. That afternoon I came home and drank. I felt so much rage. I realized this turmoil has been brewing for several months. Lots of deep buried rage that is turning me into someone unrecognizable. I hated myself and knew I needed to embrace this program and desire for sobriety again at a 10 level. Today is day 6 and my determination has been at a 10 for all 6 days. Some reason I lose all desire to drink when under severe stress. I truly felt God's presence in my life over the weekend. I felt unusually calm and free of anxiety, despite a pending meeting yesterday with this MD to learn my fate at this job. I immediately jumped back into an exercise routine with a gusto....maybe the reason for the natural endorphins that lessened my anxiety. I have been laying low and journaling out all free random thoughts running thru my sick head. Went to meet with the doc yesterday at 0800. I was told he would meet with me at 1130. I left the office and within an hour got a call that he was going home sick...same condition that put him in hospital for 2 wks back in May...totally stress related. Was asked if I could come in today if he is feeling better. I feel my decision to take this job was not thought out very well. Drinking fogs my judgment and allows me to make impulsive and inappropiate decisions.
        Drinking impares my judgment, turns me into a bitter spiteful person. So sick and tired of the denial. I contacted 2 beautiful friends whom are both involved deeply in AA. Gotta get the courage to go...so much fear of seeing those I knew 1 1/2 yrs ago when I left the program. I think I want to take Mike's approach as far as AA is concerned. In the past, I felt so much pressure to follow the advice given by many members to a tee. I am a people pleaser and wanted to prove I could do it. If I didn't live up these standards, I'd be viewed as a failure and just on the brink from my next drink. This time I need to follow my own heart and follow the path that feels doable to me.
        6 days of sobriety used to be SO easy to attain for me, I'd say even a year ago. I feel the progression and grips of this disease more than ever. I can't believe my terrible track record of recent and lack of commitment I have put myself through. I must say, I don't want to die today. It's amazing what sobriety can do in such a short time.
        I am slowly feeling joy. It sure helps having 3 boys who unconditionally love me. They give me strength and motivation. Thanks for listening. If I disappear, it's ok. Yes, I am probably off drinking. But I find it helpful and necessary to stay quiet and soul search on my own before recommiting to this board. I pray that was my last disappearance as I truly feel I need to be in this for the LONG haul. Acceptance is the answer and I am feeling better with that concept right now. Thanks again Mike. You have tremendous wisdom. Thank you all for listening. Gina

        Comment


          #5
          Tuesday, October 10

          Wow Mike. You always blow me away with your thought-provoking posts.
          Ok, what do I perceive to be the benefits of drinking?
          1) Well like everyone I am sure, the relief (albeit temporary) from stress is a major one for me. I tend to have issues with anxiety/panic and for me, alcohol has tended to offer me that temporary and fast relief from those symptoms. Of course, as Mike says, I also recognize that the anxiety will be back and it will be 10 x worst the next day...plus, rationally I also realize that the act of drinking in excess effects the nervous system and this in turn, also has been shown to cause the panic/anxiety issues in the FIRST place. SO yes, I have to recognize that drinking is an absolute, temporary thing, is a bandaid solution (IF you can even describe it as that) and that there are other alternatives out there. Guys does the calmes forte really work??
          2) Help with social situations - I tend to be quite shy (believe it or not) in front of people I dont know very well, and I find alcohol has helped me 'loosen up' - but mind you, there have been many times I have loosened up too much. Said too much, acted ridiculous, etc.
          3) I have, quite frankly, found alcohol FUN. That was, of course, more true at the beginning. Near the end of the drinking, I was drinking more and more by myself because I was ashamed for people to see how much I was drinking or I was afraid to behave a certain away. Come to think of it, with some rare exceptions, drinking wasen't really much fun at the end.

          Thanks Mike
          Hope everyone is well
          Love ya
          Jen
          Over 4 months AF :h

          Comment


            #6
            Tuesday, October 10

            Hello Amelia, and :welcome: back to Absville. It's great to see you again. And (drumroll please) you are today's winner for first post of the day!! Your prize: a brand new Jaguar, any color you choose. (Told you the city council had approved a large budget for the week. Just wait till Gabbs gets back & sees what the coffers look like!! :H ) You'll be the talk of the town, stylin' in your new Jag. We only ask that you watch your speed in the school zones, but there are plenty of places to go fast on the outskirts of Absville to rev it up.

            Pssst. To the rest of you. As I have some catching up to do in the prize-giving category, watch out -- I may be giving out another one later today. Not another Jag, necessarily, but another prize. When you least expect it.

            Macks, good to see you. Glad you popped in to say hi, even though you're busy! Hope you find some time for fishing soon!

            Gina, so sorry to hear about the job -- your boss is a royal jerk -- but also glad to hear you have the old job to go back to. And sometimes the grass isn't always greener.... I can so relate to the things you say. I think we are cut from the same fabric, somehow. You know what is best for you, just follow your gut. And by the way, I found I had to stop trying to please folks in AA -- I had to even admit that AA wasn't going to work for me. I tried it to a T, I even WORKED ALL 12 STEPS and did them to the best of my ability, and still ended up drinking. So I finally had to just admit, it doesn't work for me, so why keep trying? That's when I decided MWO would be my primary program and AA would be an ancillary program, and that's my way of thinking about it. Now when I go to AA I take from the meetings what helps me and I leave the rest. I do hope we'll see you around here (and maybe even the long term abs forum) as often as you're able.

            Hey Jen -- Yeah, alcohol and anxiety are not a good combo. That's one of alcohol's greatest deceptions, isn't it? It fools us into thinking it is curing something, when actually it is causing it!! Wow, what a racket. And I would agree with you that drinking wasn't very much fun in the end, either. More like -- well, more like something I HAD to do. And now I don't. I have that choice. We all do. Whether today is day 12 or day 2 or day 125 for us, the choice is ours. :happyheart:

            All righty, Abbers, have a terrific Tuesday. Please, keep posting, and teach me something today.

            Mike
            "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

            Comment


              #7
              Tuesday, October 10

              Checking in

              Hi all - just a quick check in. My hubby works at a hospital - went into work yesterday, and one of the nurses told him he did not look good. Made him take his blood pressure - off the charts - he does take meds for this that he has been taking consistently. They did an EKG and there was a "blip" so they kept him overnight and are doing blood emzymes to see if they need to do a stress EKG. They think it could be all the stress. In addition to losing his father, it looks like we could be in a turf war with his father's wife over money.

              On a good note, I ordered campral on line yesterday. I am not a big med person but decided yesterday that I do need some extra help. I have two computers in my office - one was posed to order topa, the other campral. Topa side effects make me nervous, so I opted for campral.

              More later.

              Comment


                #8
                Tuesday, October 10

                Day 9 or Day 1???

                Ok guys
                So I have been depressed all morning
                I had one glass of wine last night with Thanksgiving dinner and while I stopped at the one no problem, I know it all came down to a topic Mike brought up the other day - who do we tell about our problem. I COULDNT TELL my husband's family about what I was doing. I was too scared and instead I told them I wasen't drinking because I was "trying to be healthier" and doing a cleanse. So, of course, when dinner came around and everyone was doing a Thanksgiving toast, it was very hard (and of course, me being a pleaser, I gave in) to say no to the tradtional glass of wine. So guys, I guess I learned that I NEED for my own recovery to be upfront and honest with people about what I am doing, despite the “shame” or embarrassment that I still feel around it. I guess I want to know this too – is it Day 1 again for me??? Or Day 9 (instead of Day 10?? )
                Barb - I just read your post after I had posted mine - I hope your hubby is ok sweety!! I am thinking of you today!! Hugs.
                Over 4 months AF :h

                Comment


                  #9
                  Tuesday, October 10

                  Hi Barb -- I hope that your husband's health situation isn't serious. Sometimes stress brings on these symptoms, well -- you know. And good luck with Campral. When I took it, I found it really did help with the cravings, until I started "slipping" from time to time. It quickly lost effectiveness then.

                  And Jen, bless you. :h Yes it is hard to turn down the glass of wine when everyone else is having one -- especially if you can't come up with a good reason to say no. As for how to count the days.... well there are two ways of looking at it. You have done very well these last 10 days. Only 1 drink in 10 days: that is much better than you were doing before, BRAVO, well done. (Seriously.) The problem that I personally have when I think that way is that my brain takes it as license to drink again next week, and again the next -- at least I think about it more, am tempted more often, and thus am more likely to do it, if I see it as an option. It's easier for me to just say that it's not an option. So I count my days from my last use of alcohol. You can count the days however you'd like. I think you are doing great, either way you do the math. You just have to make sure you aren't fooling yourself. In the end, that's all that really matters.
                  "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Tuesday, October 10

                    Good morning Absville,

                    There's so much food for thought here that I'm going to think on it awhile!

                    I will say that the lie I hear in my head everynight is that wine will help me go to sleep, and it does........but as we all know it is not deep sleep and only for a few hours.

                    Since we're in the confession mode........I too had some last weekend . Sleeping away from home is very hard for me. We were at a hotel for the wedding weekend so I had picked up the small bottles you get in fours. My hubby drank both nights also, so it wasn't much but it did make me start over with my days. Yuck! And I didn't even sleep that well.

                    Any suggestions on how to turn my brain off at bedtime will be welcomed! I take baths and listen to the cds and read something lite.....brainless fiction usually romance...sorry guys....I know men don't get that!:H

                    Mike!!!!!!! I missed the pillow fight! Was it fun?
                    And I'm reallyyyyy interested in your "catching up" on the prizes now!!!!!

                    You guys are priceless. Thanks for being here.

                    "It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: but it would be a jolly sight harder for it to fly while remaining an egg".
                    C.S. Lewis

                    Cracking out of the shell is hard work!
                    Love you all.
                    Nancy:l
                    "Be still and know that I am God"

                    Psalm 46:10

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Tuesday, October 10

                      Hi, I'm Here!

                      Hi All! I'm here, just been working my butt off this morning! Insurance stuff again! Ugh!

                      I have lots to talk about later, but now I have to go get ready to see my clients.

                      Good topic Mike!!


                      Hugs,

                      Kathy:l
                      AF as of August 5th, 2012

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Tuesday, October 10

                        Hey Mike,

                        Thanks for the Jaguar (you are a man after my heart!) as my partner used to sell Jaguars and he had a company car. Yes we would swan round in the latest model!!! But, please keep it in the garage until I have reached 1 months abs at least....I wouldn't want to drive while,...well you know what!!
                        Have thought loads about your post this morning (my time here in the UK) -Fab mayor!!
                        Amelia
                        Amelia

                        Sober since 30/06/10

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Tuesday, October 10

                          First-timer

                          All:

                          :new:

                          What do I get out of drinking? I LOVE champagne, and wine. I could (OK, I have more times than I can - or want to - count) drink a whole bottle ++ in an evening. I started my abstience (again!, this time trying the MWO way) on October 1. I drank enough to black out on September 30 (dinner party at my and my husband's house - got sloshed afterwards) and my husband contronted me (time number...??) the next morning. Haven't had a drop since, but BOY DO I MISS IT! Every day has been very tentative, esp since this last weekend I attended another dinner party on Sat pm, went to a casino on Sunday pm, and last night was what I call 'fake Thanksgiving' (I am a Yank living in Canada) and everyone was doing the champage toast thing (Sound familiar???).

                          Anyway, I jave just started to read the daily postings and am amazed at the support everyone gives each other. I have realized over the last week that just stopping cold turkey without doing something actively will not work for me...hopefully being involved on-line here and following the program will ensure I do not diappoint me or my husband again. The rest of my family hasn't a clue.

                          I also used to trick myself that getting the little bottles of wine was the way to control this. NOT! I realize now that having anything in the house, even if portion controlled and I don't actually drink it, is too stressful for me.

                          So I am on day # 10. Was thinking of abstaining until Christmas and then give myself a gift of a nice cold bottle of Cristal. Has anyone found that setting a goal and then reassessing next steps helps? Or will I just end up back where I started? Thoughts appreciated.

                          -Monster

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Tuesday, October 10

                            Hi All,
                            The shoe was on the other foot last night as I was the recipient of a drink-and -dial phone call. It was a former neighbor calling to "check-in" and it was obvious that she had had a great deal to drink.At first I felt mild irritation as she ranted on and on about all the wrongs that had been done to her. Some of her rants are justified and some are not but it got me to thinking about how we drinkers tend to be somewhat selfish and egocentric. I had read in a book by Betty Ford that she believes addicts are very selfish. I was ,at first, indignant at her diagnosis!!!!ME selfish.....no...never.... however as I thought about it, it made sense to me. The times when I have been drinking heavily have tended to be periods of self-absorption,periods of self-pity and periods when I THOUGHT I had it tough. Maybe the drinking makes us look inward..... I don't quite know yet. I think this site is beneficial in that not only do we gain something but we are able to give in return. We gain insight into our own behavior but are able to look outside and hopefully help others. Iknow that in times when i have done volunteer work, I tend not to drink as much. Am I making any sense?????

                            Now back to topic.... what benefit do I get from drinking.Il know that in the long run my drinking is detrimental. I must get some benefit or I would not continue to do it.I am a very tense person. The drinking relaxes me immediately and there is nothing else I can do that gives me that pleasurable feeling of well-being so quickly. I have always had a tough time waiting for things and that includes my feeling of well-being. I have always worried about my sons' inability to postpone gratification (put off playing the video game until homework is done etc) but I know I have the same problem. Like Pavlov's dogs who salivated at the bell before their feeding I begin to relax at the "clink-clink" of wine glasses.

                            Gotta run. Be back later
                            Janet

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Tuesday, October 10

                              Hey, just a quick check-in as I am on a break at work.

                              Nancy, my ideas for ways to fall asleep -- topa helps. Calms forte. Valerian tea. And thanks for being honest with us about last weekend -- it's tough to admit sometimes when we stumble, but that is what makes us human. And it's the stumbling that we learn the most from, as long as we get back up and keep going.

                              Don't worry Amelia, your Jag will be safe in the town garage until you are ready to drive it!

                              Monster, a warm :welcome: to Absville. This is a great town! You will find lots of support and encouragement here, whether your abs goal is temporary or long-term. Some of us started out with one short-term goal, and evolved into a different longer-term goal. Stick around and see what you think. By the way, watch out for Gabby and Mackeral -- they are always fighting over the newcomers. They will both want you to live near them.

                              Kathy, good luck with your insurance forms, and hope to see you later!

                              Oh Janet, I have been on the receiving end of the drink-and-dial phone calls too. That's why when one of my sisters calls, I always let it go to voicemail. I listen to the message first before I decide whether or not to talk to her. Sad, but true. I just can't deal with it any more.

                              Ok I better get back to work. See you all later!

                              Mike
                              "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

                              Comment

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