Tuesday, October 10

[AMELIA]

Tuesday, October 10

Hey Mike , thanks for being 'thought provoking' and patient!!! Yep will let you know when I am good and ready to be OK behind the wheel!!!

[Newyear]

Tuesday, October 10

sorry- long one...got on a roll..please indulge me

Hi Mike and Hi all today-
Amelia - I'm quite jealous of your Jag...you didn't pick the color though - red? black? silver? I need to know so I can wave as you zip by

hmmmm- what alcohol does for me. Well, not a lot I suppose. But this is what I have liked:
I like the taste of red wine so that can make me happy.
I like how I feel after about 1 or possibly 2 glasses
It used to make me feel grown up (when do you get over that?? I'm 43!!)
I can escape any issues I have for a little while
I am a very happy drunk
I'm the kind of drunk who loves everyone and would be more likely to donate money to charity (drunk donating..) instead of getting into an argument.
But..........
After years of this, the things I thought I liked, I find have diminishing returns..Like you Mike - I started staying home and drinking alone. I avoided talking to anyone. I was afraid to talk because I might be slurring or might say something inappropriate or-whatever. Lots simpler to not socialize- don't have to worry about explaining behavior to anyone.
So that leaves me with sitting at home alone every night with a bottle of wine watching other people on tv living actual lives(fake actual lives, but you know what I mean).
I turned down offers to do things because it might interfere with my evening plans of 'going home drinking wine until I pass out'....oh, sorry - go to sleep peacefully is how I preferred to think of it.

Earlier on.. I used to drink wine and then work on projects or clean the house...but then it turned into ---
in order to clean my house I should open a bottle of wine....
which then turned into, I should open a bottle of wine but not actually do any cleaning or any projects....
to, why don't I just go to the discount store and get as much wine as I possibly carry or get into my car and just sit here and drink.
I knew it was getting bad when I started keeping the mini visine bottle in my top drawer at work.
I started to think that perhaps my eyes were just naturally watery and bloodshot - every morning- for years.
Drinking became as much a chore as anything else...buy the wine, drink the wine, deal with the hangover, deal with the bloodshot eyes, deal with feeling crappy..
That's when I figured 'alcohol is not really doing all that much for me anymore'!

Mike - I again get what you mean by being relieved by not drinking. I don't know how long I will be AF. I don't know if I can 'never drink again'.. but I'm starting to think that I'm just not going to want to. I'm enjoying being sober. I am enjoying not having to worry about it. I'm enjoying not having to worry about what the check out lady at the supermarket is thinking of me (probably nothing I realize) buying 4 bottles of wine every couple days or so.

So Mike and Amelia and Macks and Gina and Jen and Barb and Nancy and Kathy and Monster (:welcome: )
and Janet.......Thanks a bunch for listening-

Barb- hope your husband is feeling better. How are you? Are you hanging in there? You've had
a lot to deal with lately. I've been thinking about you. Hope you are doing ok.
Nancy - have you tried Melatonin? I have been taking it at night 3mg and sleeping great. It is in the vitamin section - found it at walgreens. In fact I have started cutting them in half cause I'm having trouble waking up in the morning.


I think I have another all nighter tonight ...gotta work work work. So I'll check in with you all later.
Love -
Lisa

[lushy]

Tuesday, October 10

Lisa, Drunk donating?? That cracked me up. I used to be famous for drunk catalog shopping and ordering or drunk infomercial ordering. I cringe at all of the money I have wasted on crap that I just HAD to have RIGHT NOW!!!! Great thread today, BTW. Giving me a lot of food for thought. I went to a get together the other day sober for a change and was amazed at the relief I felt knowing I could talk to people without worrying if I smelled.

[gabby]

Tuesday, October 10

my gosh you guys.....i've been locked out of my computer room since saturday i think. I locked my kids out cuz they weren't cleanin up after themselves and this is my office/work area. I go and get tough and then I realize I forgot where I hid the key. I do these things all the time. Looks like I have missed a lot. sheese.

[Guest]

Tuesday, October 10

Gina,
sounds tough your way. Hang in there... you know you can do it and your boys are a great motivator.
take it gently on yourself.
brigid

[Guest]

Tuesday, October 10

Thanks Brigid. Met with the doc today. He is the type of person who is in complete denial about his anger issues. He doesn't feel we can longer work together as we have been. I may still work 1 day/wk for him like I was when things were going well...before he wanted me to take over the marketing of his new venture. This was without a desk, an orientation to the office, no discussion of expectations, no encouragement of my suggestions...he knew it all! I am currently online emailing my resume to closer locations for a 1 day/wk job. I've never been fired from a job, and even tho he says we just had a "personal disagreement" and it had nothing to do with my job performance, it doesn't set well in my skin. What a friggin ego! Get over it Gina!! He is a creep!! I am at a 8/10 on the willingness to do whatever it takes today. Feeling some old feelings creeping back in my head...but gotta fight them. Decided to pop an Antabuse just in case i'd feel like this. Gonna go to a 5:30 class at the gym...boy my hamstrings are SORE!! Then come home and spend some quality time with the boys after their soccer practices. Gina

[Newyear]

Tuesday, October 10

Hey Gina---I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time with your boss! I know it is disappointing for you.
Please remember it's not you....it's his problem! He sounds awful. Do you know his work hisory with others at work? Bet he is someone who "Works Best Alone" Glad you are taking care of yourself. Considering everthing you are dealing with, I'd say that a 6 is Spectactular!

Gabby****- I was thinking you must be awfully busy! Yea - glad you got into your room! Kinda backfired eh?:H
Lisa

[Guest]

Tuesday, October 10

Gina,
often in the heat of the moment wrong decisions can be taken. it feels like you are in the middle of heaps of emotions right now. perhaps, if this feels right.. just take a deep breath.. try to trust that it will be ok and sleep on it. enjoy your workout and your boys and see what tomorrow brings. I'm not sure if I'm saying the right stuff here.. but sometimes things are bad enough to walk away from and sometimes they need to be worked through and sometimes we need to be sure what the lesson from it all was in terms of ourselves. I have no idea which of these is relevant to you.. but take care my friend and dont drink... it would only make any option worse.

i'll check in on you tomorrow.
brigid

[vinophile]

Tuesday, October 10

Evening Folks,
Barb, I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about your husband. Please let us know how he is. I'm also thinking of how stressfull this must be for you.
Gina, I can't imagine what kind of a physician this man must be... and he's an ob/gyn???Please stick around.
Jen, I have found calms-forte to be very helpful. It does gently relax me. Maybe it's a placebo effect but if I'm antsy and craving a drink it is the first thing I grab. Let me know how it works for you.
Monster, welcome. We sound like we have a similar drinking history.Keep posting! The more the merrier.
Lisa,I used to make the Thanksgiving, or other large dinner for several guests. I would sip at a glas or two during the meal and then when everyone left and it was time to clean up I would polish off a whole bottle while doing the dishes. I would bang into cabinets and decapitate all my wine glasses. The kitchen would get cleaned up but ineveitably I would wake up with a hangover.
Mike, Mack,Gabby. Nancy, Kathy, Brigid and anyone else I've missed please have a great evening.
See you in the AM
Janet

[YoungAtHeart]

Tuesday, October 10

Another One Bites the Dust

Boy there sure is a lot going on here today, so please forgive me if I focus on me for a bit. I don't know if I can do the whole "Hi to everyone" thing!

I do want to say Hi to you, Barb and your husband--I hope that things are okay with him. Hang in there.

Gina--your boss does have an anger problem. I think his saying that you had a personal difference is probably about as good as it gets! You deserve to be in a better work space!

Welcome, Monster!:welcome:

Lisa, boy could I relate to your "drinking history". :H It sounds awfully familiar!

Anyway, I felt flat on my butt last night even after posting. I still felt lonely, so I went on chat. There were lots of people on there talking about all sorts of stuff, and I didn't feel like there was room for me to talk about feeling lonely (yes, my stuff, most likely). I didn't want to call my sister, because I had already spoken to her yesterday. I felt like I was too "needy" for anyone to deal with. So I went and got three "minis" at the liquor store (damage control). The old reliable remedy for emotional pain. Minor triumph: poured 1/2 of the last down the sink and went to bed.

After being puffed up with the first glass of wine I did call my friend from New Orleans who was stuck on the train over Lake Pontchartrain and we had a nice talk. which was nice. I cheered him up, and he cheered me up.

Of note is that I woke up at 4 am after a very nice dream and realized that I need to do more to have real, live warm fuzzy people in my life, more than just my online friends here, and it is time for me to get out and start making some AF friends. Scary thought, but true. I work with people all day, but it is all about them. In private practice, I as essentially alone--I just see my clients all day.

So what does wine do for me??? I'm not that shy, so I don't need wine as a social lubricant.
>Wine eases emotional pain and loneliness.
Wine eases anger.
Wine eases boredom.

Also, when my daughter was young and I was newly separated and divorced and so depressed that I could hardly function, I really do think that wine helped me get through those trying days. My best friend had fallen in love when I got divorced and didn't have time for me (some best friend, huh?? ), and I think if it weren't for wine, I would have just crawled into bed after work each night and cried myself to sleep and left Maddy to fend for herself. Wine enabled me to cook dinner, read her stories and act like a mother with out losing it every single day. The problem is that it went on and on and on. Now it is time to keep on trying to stay ABS until I get it right.

Back to day 1, folks.:sigh:

Hugs,
Kathy

[AMELIA]

Tuesday, October 10

Hey Kathy, hope your doing Ok. Good to hear you are back to day one because its good to hear you are still carrying on. Today was supposed to be day 1 again for me, but haven't got there yet....best of luck
Amelia

[Newyear]

Tuesday, October 10

Hey Kathy - you know what? Is is just me or is this a minor slip and one that you seem to have gotten past and moved on to af day one tomorrow? That was a terrible sentence but I'm just not willing to re write it :H

What I'm saying is that this is a one day slip - and by all comparisons - a little one. I was thinking about that today - I mean, just the progress I(we) have made. I was thinking of writing earlier that I am 13 AFdays now but I thought that that does not really state where I am right now.
We keep saying this is a process and it is a long road etc, and I agree. Sometimes I think we feel it is so slow that we don't see how far we have already come.
I do hope I am making some sense. You know, it's like the difference between losing 1 pound a week for 20 weeks and 5 pounds a week for 4. You notice the 4 week weight loss but not the 20. hmmmm...weird analogy night for me maybe.
anyway- I think you are doing very well - good for starting again tomorrow - not a week from tomorrow..
and good for making it minis and pouring some out....that is progress. :h progress!

Lisa

[InnerStrength]

Tuesday, October 10

OMG

OK I just have to say - about the drunk donating thing - I will confess that I committed to sponsoring a child in Ethiopia (monthly sponsorship), a panda, an elephant and I adopted a kitten from the humane society all while either drunk or hung over. LOL. Its true. And I still continue all of these sponsoships! ...ok, even I admit, thats funny.
But I am proud of those things too - they are good things to do even though I wasen't in the best of - ahem - states when I commited to them!
Ok Lusch - go ahead and laugh!:H

[YoungAtHeart]

Tuesday, October 10

Yes, Lisa, I am committing to a shorter slip!! LOL! I guess that is the bright side! Don't want to be losing the same 5 pounds over and over if that is what you mean! I'm sad about my slip, and I'm sad about the realization that my slip allowed me to have. But I'm not sorry that I had the realization. But it does mean that I have to start to make some changes instead of thinking about making those changes.

Thanks Amelia, we'll all be here for you as you get ready for YOUR DAY ONE!!

Jenneh, you are funny!! You and I are alike in that we are NICE drunks!!

Gabbs, that sounds like the kind of thing that I would do!! LOL!!


Anyway, time for bed--between the dreams and a not-so-great night's sleep, I'm turning in early!

Love to all!
Kathy

[Guest]

Tuesday, October 10

Lots going on here today

Read through most of the posts and couldn't believe the range of emotions.

All I wanted to add is Mike, it made me laugh when you mentioned "blackouts". I heard once that this was God's way of having mercy on us drunks ....