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    #1

    Setting myself up to fail

    I need some help from long term abbers please.
    I have booked a cruise in January next year. I am already talking myself into "allowing" myself "just one".
    I have been on a cruise before and it was two weeks of inhaling AL. Starting early in the morning and continuing all day and well into the night. We spent a huge amount of money on AL.
    I do know there is plenty to do on board that doesnt involve AL. I am however thinking that maybe I could just moderate this time. Just have one or two by the pool to keep my husband company. All the usual BS we tell ourselves. In my sane, non-medicated state of mind now, I know this wont work. I know I shouldnt project that far into the future. I know all of this and yet I am still talking myself into drinking. I have no desire to drink now but am telling myself it will be OK by then I will have had a years sobriety under my belt and will be able to handle it. I know it is just a case of not picking up that first drink.
    I am having trouble at the moment with the lack of fun in my life since I have quit. And am worried that I wont have fun and I wont be fun for my husband. I cant understand why if I dont want to drink now or tomorrow I am telling myself in 8 months time I will want a drink. I think it is a case of changing my mindset, talking myself out of drinking rather than into drinking.
    Do other do this? Has anyone had this feeling? I really have no desire to pick up now so why would I be projecting so far into the future?
    I finally got it!
    "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become" Buddah
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    #2
    Setting myself up to fail

    Hello, hippy chick.

    I think it's great that you recognize a mind game when you see one! Those games are NOT fun. I see that you are a little over 3 1/2 months sober. I don't think it unusual to to entertain thoughts of being able to be a normal drinker. For some of us that cannot happen yet we have to prove it to ourselves a few times, or one long time, whatever... to finally accept it. Never. Not on a cruise, your child's wedding, your 50th anniversary, never. That acceptance is a relief, really. It pretty much ends the mind games. It allows you to relax and enjoy being sober and simply living your life and loving it.

    I also don't think it's unusual to be sort of uncomfortable with new sobriety at 3 1/2 months. As you think about a cruise you associate it with your past experience - drinking. I think it would be hard to imagine a cruise without drinking this early on. Your life will be fun, much more fun, without alcohol. Give it a little time and try not to compare. Not too long ago on the AF Daily thread, we were talking about things we are doing for the first time ever - sober. Geez, packing a suitcase sober was novel for me! Please come hang out there and I bet you get some good input!
    sigpic
    Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

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      #3
      Setting myself up to fail

      Hi Hippy Chick,

      For a start, I think you'll feel very differently by the time January arrives. You'll have been AF for much longer by then and faced different challenges without drinking. You'll be much stronger and much more settled in your sobriety (assuming the best!).

      It sounds as though you're more worried about what your husband thinks about you now. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he prefers the new, sober you but hasn't said anything. Maybe he'll be happy to be AF with you on the cruise to be supportive? I'd definitely tell him you're worried about the cruise and see what he says.

      As for having fun without alcohol, I had to find new activities and situations to have fun in. For example, I can no longer sit with a bunch of people getting steadily drunk in the pub on a Saturday night and have "fun" staying sober when for so many years I was the one getting drunker than anyone else. I've had to find new things to do (but I have more fun doing them than I ever did being drunk). I did have to change, but all the changes have been for the better.
      sigpic
      AF since December 22nd 2008
      Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

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        #4
        Setting myself up to fail

        Fantastic line Marshy...

        "I did have to change, but all the changes have been for the better".

        I will try to store that in my frazzled brain.
        I want to live life sober....not die a drunk

        Comment

          #5
          Setting myself up to fail

          Hi Hippy Chick! Congratulations on your sober time! You are so wise to recognize the mind games and the reality that there IS no "just one" for people like us. I had to go through a lot of pain to figure that one out - you probably did too.

          3+ months is still pretty early in sobriety and I suspect like Marshy that you will feel quite a bit better about things with more time under your belt. I would also imagine it is pretty early for you to have really explored your new sober life to find new interests. I hope you are getting out there and trying some new things!! I agree with Marshy that trying to sit "sober" in the same old places and situations that I used to drink (and that others are drinking) is no fun. But there is a whole big world out there where even the most mediocre thing is more fun to me today than getting drunk, making an ass of myself, ruining my relationships and being hungover ever was.

          I went through what Greenie described about having to "re-learn" to do everything in life sober instead of drunk somewhere on the 1 - 10 scale of drunk. My sobriety gets more secure each time I do something sober instread of drinking through it.

          I hope Determinator sees this thread because I remember he went on a cruise early in sobriety. I think there are AA meetings on most cruise ships and I believe he might have gone to some meetings on the ship just to help (even though I don't think he's a regular AAer). That might be something to look into as some extra ammo while you are away.

          I also love Marshy's suggestion about talking to your husband. I know mine likes the sober me much better, and he does not drink around me as a show of support. He is truly a "normie" and so for him the choice to abstain is no big deal.

          All the best to you. Hope to see you on the AF Daily thread!

          DG
          Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
          Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

          One day at a time.

          Comment

            #6
            Setting myself up to fail

            Hi guys.
            Thanks for your replies.

            Greeneyes - I think you are right with me associating it with the previous cruise. Maybe I should focus on all the things to do that dont involve drinking. It is amazing how many things that I have to relearn to do without the boosted confidence of AL. Basically I am not a very confident person and AL always gave me help with that. But it is time to become a grown up (at 45!).

            Marshy - I did actually talk to my husband today about the new me. He thinks I am alot more serious, which is true. I used to have a lot of fun with AL, but I also had alot of shit with it too. (Dont we always forget the bad things - it's like forgetting the pain of childbirth!). I too have tried doing the things I used to and realise just how boring it is to watch other people get plastered. I am finding things to do to replace them, still have a long way to go.

            Doggygirl - I have just remembered the cruise I went on before had AA meetings. I had totally forgotten about that... And we are going on the same cruise line so I guess they will have them also. Thanks for reminding me. I am not an AA person but like you said, any ammo will help.

            I am so glad I asked for help (which is not an easy thing for me) but I knew there would be someone with words of wisdom for me. I have been hanging out in the newbies nest since I started and being one of the few with more than a month or so sobriety, it was not easy to get any help there for something like this. I keep forgetting that I have ONLY three + months which is not alot outside of the nest. I am very determined not to drink and that is why it threw me when I started thinking I would be able to mod on holidays.

            :thanks: again. I love this site..... wish I had found it years ago.
            I finally got it!
            "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become" Buddah

            Comment

              #7
              Setting myself up to fail

              Why do I find it funny that cruises have AA meetings? :H

              Hippy Chick - 3+ months AF is FANTASTIC, but it did still feel very new and strange to me at that stage because I'd been drinking for 20+ years. These kind of thoughts and concerns are bound to crop up along the way. (As Greenie says, it sill feels odd doing something fairly ordinary for the first time sober). Oh, and being more serious is no bad thing, is it?
              sigpic
              AF since December 22nd 2008
              Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

              Comment

                #8
                Setting myself up to fail

                Marshy;843620 wrote: Why do I find it funny that cruises have AA meetings? :H
                LOL. If there were some sort of mandatory ratio such as "for every 1,000 bottles of booze on the ship, there must be 1 AA meeting" there would be LOTS of AA meetings on cruise ships!

                I used to love cruising and it will be a major "re-learn" if I get the chance to do it again.

                DG
                Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                One day at a time.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Setting myself up to fail

                  I've never fancied it - think I would feel "trapped" on board. But now I know they have AA meetings... well! :H
                  sigpic
                  AF since December 22nd 2008
                  Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Setting myself up to fail

                    Hippie.. there are a few of us in the nest who have had some AF time under our belts!

                    I totally get what you say about setting yourself up for failure, though. I've done it many times. Btw.. 3 months/6 months/9 months seem to be popular stumbling blocks.. I reconsidered moderating between 8 and 9 months and didn't do as well as I hoped.

                    Staying with ODAT philosophy... your holiday is still months and months away - no need to worry about it right now and like Marshy suggests, you may feel very differently by then.

                    Also, I would think that on a cruise ship, they'd have very fancy and wonderful non-alcoholic drinks... when the time comes, I think I'd have at least one of everything! You may take home a whole new arsenal of drinks for occasions on dry land (pun intended )
                    Okay, WHO put a stop payment on my reality check?

                    Winning since October 24th, 2013

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Setting myself up to fail

                      Marshy;843624 wrote: I've never fancied it - think I would feel "trapped" on board. But now I know they have AA meetings... well! :H
                      I want to do an Alaska cruise with lots of inland tours. That's on my bucket list. We should make a goal and go!!!!! (that is if an Alaska cruise with lots of inland tours would "float your boat" so to speak!)

                      HippyChick, what kind of cruise are you planning? In January, I'm betting it's not Alaska. :H Although the North Pole in December could be fun. :coolsanta:

                      DG
                      Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                      Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                      One day at a time.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Setting myself up to fail

                        Sunshine - I hope you didnt take offence by my comment about not too many with too much time in the nest. I didnt mean it to come out like that.
                        I hadnt thought about non-alcoholic versions of drinks..... silly isnt it that I focus on the AL and not the actual flavour of the drink. I know I need to concentrate on taking each day as it comes. I think I am just excited about going on the cruise but I am creating problems.

                        Doggygirl - the cruise we are going on is from Melbourne (Australia) to New Zealand and back to Melbourne. As it is summer then it should be nice. I would love to do the Alaska cruise. My step son and his wife used to work on the cruise ships doing the Alaska run and it sounds fantastic.

                        Marshy - you are right. I am just too impatient. I keep thinking I am "cured" within three months of stopping (I was drinking for 30 years and have been "cured" within three months???? Dont think so!). I actually liked being trapped on board a ship. There is so much to do and just love someone else doing all the cooking and cleaning!

                        Thanks again for your wisdom. I do feel better about it all now.
                        Hip
                        I finally got it!
                        "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become" Buddah

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Setting myself up to fail

                          ...just love someone else doing all the cooking and cleaning!
                          AMEN, sista! Sounds like a winner to me :H

                          Nope, no offense taken at all
                          *sigh* Sounds wonderful, though... and you will have an extraordinary time!
                          Okay, WHO put a stop payment on my reality check?

                          Winning since October 24th, 2013

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