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    Thursday October 19

    ambivalence
    One entry found for ambivalence
    Pronunciation: am-'bi-v&-l&n(t)s
    Function: noun
    Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
    1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
    2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)
    b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow


    You know, for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t quit drinking in spite of my best efforts. I recognized I had a problem. I was even willing to admit that I was an alcoholic. I could understand, at least on an intellectual level, that alcohol was ruining me. I knew I needed to stop drinking, and I desperately wanted to. Yet a few days into abstinence, I would inevitably change my mind. The cycle repeated itself over and over, ad nauseum
    .

    Now I realize that a good deal of that had to do with my brain’s wiring. It has something to do with dopamine, and with amino acids and deficiencies of magnesium and other important minerals and vitamins. My body was craving alcohol, so of course after a few days, I couldn’t stand it any more and I gave in. So there was a real physical component to the cycle.

    I also realize that I had grown accustomed to using alcohol as my way of coping – no, make that NOT coping – with the world, with my emotions, with life itself. It was my way of escaping reality. So there was a real psychological component to the cycle.

    But there is another spoke to this wheel here. The truth – and this is not something I like to admit – is that I still wanted to drink. Even though it made me miserable, even though I knew it was killing me, even though it threatened to take away everything in life that I held dear, alcohol was still precious to me. I was of two minds about alcohol. I both loved it and hated it. I was ambivalent.

    This is an especially miserable kind of torture, if you ask me. You love something so much that you are unwilling to give it up. Yet you hate it at the same time because it is making your life a living hell. You are aware that this dichotomy exists and it makes you feel positively schizophrenic. You begin to wonder if you have any kind of will or backbone at all. Or are you just plain crazy?

    No, you’re not crazy, you’re just ambivalent. You are of two minds about something. That is what makes quitting drinking so hard. When you are able to tip the scales in favor of abstinence, and make that decision firmly – then it becomes much less of a struggle. It’s a relief, really. Like the struggle just washes away.

    That’s not to say that there aren’t hard times. That’s not to say that the ambivalence doesn’t creep back in. It most certainly does. I see it as my job to keep stacking bricks on the scales on the side of sobriety, so that my decision can stay firm. My bricks are the same as my tools: supplements, Topamax, hypnotherapy, discussion board, occasional AA meetings, etc. There are natural forces, beyond my control, stacking bricks on the other side of the scale. It’s up to me to keep things working in my favor. Once the scales are tipped on my side, it’s not so hard to keep them there – it’s maintenance. The hardest part is tipping them in the first place. It took me a VERY long time to realize the choice was mine – and that’s all it took, making the choice. Of course the danger is always there that I could choose to go the opposite direction. God, I hope I don’t.

    So that’s the topic for the day. Ambivalence. Where is the balance of your scales today? And what can you do to tip them in favor of abstinence?
    "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

    #2
    Thursday October 19

    Hello Mike

    Ambivalence Phenomenal word

    Congratulations on 30 days

    Ready Steady Go but hold on I seem to be running in the opposite direction
    or another naughty but nice is that Ambivalencey

    Compromising we do in every day life yet with drink

    Im not yet schizophrenic one of your above words just ignore the straight jacket i wil wear on Friday if I can make it even for the end.

    Thanks
    Farmeress still not pressed the regista button thats certainly not Ambivalence is it dont answer that one please

    Comment


      #3
      Thursday October 19

      Oh Boy Mike you really summed up my relationship with alcohol in your post this morning!!!!!!

      I remember when my kids were little the pediatrician would frequently re-enforce how important it was for an infant to learn how to soothe itself (making sure of course that he/she was not hungry wet or in any other physical need). That was tough as with certain kids it is harder than with others. They have to learn to comfort themselves with a pacifier, a blanket ,staring at a mobile,or playing with their fingers or toes.
      I now have used alcohol as a way of comforting myself for such a long time that I don't know how to "soothe myself" on my own. So I really am ambivalent about alcohol as it does indeed comfort me.At the same time,I have lost the ability to recognize what I need emotionally.
      With each day,hopefully, I'm learning more about what I need to make myself feel better when I don't feel good at all.
      Today, I'm not ambivalent about alcohol. But tomorrow , I might feel differently.
      Janet

      Comment


        #4
        Thursday October 19

        Ambivalence

        I love that word. Don't love feeling it, though! Today my balance is definitely on the side of sobriety. It will be tomorrow, too, with looking forward to our AF party. I like your analogy of stacking those bricks on the side of sobriety, Mike. I can just imagine my stacking those bricks, one by one, on the sobriety side of the scale. It's a great visualization.

        A good example of my ambivalence is that I still have to consciously work at looking at an AF future. I have to consciously imagine it as good and happy. My automatic response is to still feel "deprived", like I'm going to be missing something. That is the old alcoholic thinking. I'm getting better on a daily basis, though, in being able to think that a drink (or five) isn't going to make me feel better about this or that, or less tired, or sad, or angry. It will just numb it out for a while. At this point, I feel grateful to have come this far, believe me. At one point, ANYTHING was a reason to drink.

        Yes, I know all about the love/hate thing too. I love and hate the thing that had been destroying me. I loved the feeling that I had after two drinks. I hated the feeling I had after 5-6, and certainly shaking off the fuzziness the morning after. I hated the fact that the scale wouldn't budge. I hated the fantasies of my liver turning into goodness knows what!!! But to have that FEELING after 2 drinks, even though I couldn't stop at 2, I was willing to suffer through all of the rest of it! What a dysfunctional relationship!!!
        But at that time, I didn't REALLY KNOW that I could go days, even weeks, MAYBE EVEN MONTHS without drinking.

        Mike, you are so honest. I have to admit that there is a part of me that still wants to be able to drink. I catch myself making little deals with myself. If you can make it to....blah, blah, blah, then you can have a drink. I really have to be on guard for that kind of thinking. When I have slipped, it has been so clear to me how easy it would be to go back to where I was and worse. Not wanting to go back there has been a strong motivator, as well as my feelings for everyone here and knowing that I can do it if I really keep trying have helped me to keep climbing out of that hole.

        Ambivalence, hmmmmmm.

        Farmeress, keep coming here. Even if you are ambivalent, you never know when the scales will tip.


        And hey Janet, I hear you loud and clear. I haven't been that good at soothing myself either. It is a PROCESS to learn to do it without drinking, but our bodies will learn.


        Hugs to all!

        Kathy:l


        AF as of August 5th, 2012

        Comment


          #5
          Thursday October 19

          mikeupnorth wrote:
          This is an especially miserable kind of torture, if you ask me. You love something so much that you are unwilling to give it up. Yet you hate it at the same time because it is making your life a living hell. You are aware that this dichotomy exists and it makes you feel positively schizophrenic. You begin to wonder if you have any kind of will or backbone at all. Or are you just plain crazy?
          Thanks, Mike. That statement sums up how I was feeling yesterday. It feels like a form of slavery sometimes.

          Today sobriety feels more certain.

          My son, who is going through a divorce, called me after midnight last night. He's having a hard time and I felt bad that he was having hard time - but damn it felt good to feel needed.

          Gotta jet to class.

          :thanks:

          Tracy
          * * *

          Tracy

          sigpic

          Comment


            #6
            Thursday October 19

            YES! Right on, Mike! Excellent post. That is exactly where I've been stuck for the past 3 years...in the pit of ambivalence. Many periods of sobriety, but never with 100% commitment. The longing for the drink would win it's way back into my life in a blink of an eye when I least expected it. Oh, I pray I can be more on guard this time and take adequate steps to strengthen my resolve! Right now, I feel great! No cravings, furious at alcohol, enjoying the changes I feel in sobriety. But I know way too well how easy it is to take it for granted. I hope I have learned from my past attempts to put an end to the self torture.
            I am home with the boys alone fo the next 3 days. Hubby's off to Dallas. Looking forward to Friday's soiree! Survived 4 1/2 hrs of traffic school last night. Talk about torture!! Will make me really more aware of my speedometer, at least for the time being
            I'll try to check back later. Have a great day! Gina

            Comment


              #7
              Thursday October 19

              Hiya All,

              It is quite a shameful thing to say that you miss alcahol..but its true...After all, in the begining when we all started drinking we did it for pleasure...There was no need back then for me to try and drink as much as i could in a night...And most things in moderation are good for you..

              So i agree 100% with you Mike....It is so hard to give up anything that you like..or did at one time....Thats proberly the reason that i and most have you have got an attic full of junk that you just cant bring yourself to throw away.

              Its different now of coarse...The pleasure has gone out of it...When i have slipped it hasnt been enjoyable...It dosnt live up to the expectation that you have...You just worry and think oh no...am i back to square one.
              I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
              One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

              Comment


                #8
                Thursday October 19

                Good one Mike. Wow.
                I might have to think about this one for a bit.
                Good morning all.
                Will post back shortly,
                Love Jen
                Over 4 months AF :h

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thursday October 19

                  Whats your new Avatar Jenneh?
                  I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
                  One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Thursday October 19

                    Jenneh changes her avatar almost as much as I change my undergarments!
                    AF as of August 5th, 2012

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Thursday October 19

                      Good post Mike,
                      I must confess guys, I have times when I miss drinkin still too. I know I still have a lot of work ahead of me. My 135 days really aren't nothing.

                      And Janet, you hit it on the nail for me. I have soothed myself for years with alcohol.
                      I know I have been away from the boards a lot lately. But I have been reading. It will stay hard for me to post like this till really January.
                      I work retail and its only gonna get worse.

                      You guys like my avator? Its my doggie and kitty. My kittie thinks my doggie is his mom. And he is ready to take a cozy nap in his tail. Plus I have 3 more cats. Didn't mean to have that many but they come to us. This kittie I did pick on purpose tho. That's cuz a stray cat came to us and then died. It made us all feel so bad that I had to go out and get an kitten.
                      I know.....makes no sense. Well.....maybe it does. I had just stopped drinkin then and probably I was soothing myself. Ya....that's it! And this kittie's initials are.....MWO. Funny how this came about. I'll tell ya this story and try to keep it short. Some of you guys might remember this cuz its back when I started.

                      OK, had a stray cat die, was really sad and at the beginning of my abs. Everyone was gone when the stray kitty died and I was so sad I went and got anther kitten...to help soothe myself. I didnt drink tho. The new kitty was this orange tabby. I waited for the kids to come home and help me name him. So I called him orange kittie till they came home. Could'nt agree on a name and orangie was stickin. So we added Mandarine in front of it and made it offical. Mandarine Orange. Well....hangin around all you Brits and all....I decided to stick the middle name of "Winston" in there to give him an English twist to his backround. So his initials are MWO. Cute dont cha think? We call him Orangie tho.
                      I havent told you guys this before.....figured you would think I was nuts.
                      Gabby :flower:

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thursday October 19

                        Exactley what i thought.......Only joking...nice story Gabbs
                        I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
                        One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Thursday October 19

                          You dont think he looks like he is from England?
                          Gabby :flower:

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Thursday October 19

                            Well now you mention it....He has got that...Regal look.
                            I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
                            One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Thursday October 19

                              yeah....thats what I thought. Even his mom doggie made him a throne.
                              Gabby :flower:

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