Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Rebirth: My husband does find Alanon helpful. I'm not the only alcoholic in his life. Through Alanon, he is discovering what his part is in the family disease. Also, Alanon gives him a way to work through the steps & find out what he can do differently. His meetings are not designed to be a big complaining session about the alcoholic. They stress keeping the focus on themselves rather than the alcoholic.

I needed to find out for myself that I was an alcoholic & dependent upon booze. Once in a while, my husband would ask if I had been drinking, how much, &/or if I was "all right." I too reacted w/defensiveness. However, for the most part, he left me to my own devices, & I discovered the hard way that I was indeed "powerless" over alcohol. One drink would send me into a binge. I didn't always drink every day (though at the end I drank almost every day), but when I did drink, it wasn't pretty.

I am choosing to focus entirely on my own recovery. Other people (including my loved ones) have their own higher power (which is not me). Your partner will do what his HP leads him to do. I hear at meetings all the time that our loved ones are doing exactly what they should be doing in order to walk along their own paths. It's not easy to let go & let God. I'm particularly vulnerable to wanting my children (including my SIL) do what I think they should do. That is not the AA way, so I try to avoid that kind of stinkin' thinkin.'

I hope this doesn't sound like advice. I'm speaking from my own experience. Take what you like & leave the rest.

Mary

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

I appreciate your advice mary. Thank you. And thank you DG as always. x

[Horsegirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Hello All !!!

Thanks for starting the thread this week, Mary. Hope you, your daughter, and her family are doing well.

Great topics, as usual this week. From DG:

"Imagine my shock when I figured out that AA is actually about a ton of personal responsibility

. This has been a major factor for me in AA. I truly believed that the people, places, and situations around me were the root causes of my drinking. Making myself accountable has been a huge help to me. The fellowship of AA has also been absolutely amazing. The last part of my drinking was so isolated and lonely. Feels so good to have people who understand and support you.

Regarding the spouses who still drink, in my case I was a dishonest, secret drinker so I feel that perhaps I have given up my right to ask for assistance from the same people I was hiding my drinking from. However, I still find myself somewhat resentful about the fact that my HB (a normal drinker) continues to drink around me without even asking if I find it difficult or not. Personally, I would not do that around someone whom I knew was struggling. Just one other thing I need to get worked out in my head.

Hi to papmom, gyco, WF, rebirth, bear, and cher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Have a super AF day!!!!!!!!!!!!

[1967]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

oh dear rebirth!


Someone told me that our relationship in now doomed and I need to accept that it's over since I have stopped drinking and he still drinks ( but in healthy doses )Do you guys share this same opinion?


honestly i do not see why it HAS to be doomed!
if you can maintain your sobriety while he drinks, although not to excess.

start by coming up with one thing the two of you can do together which doesn't involve drinking.
if his drinking is going to make things impossible for you that is another story.
wishing you strength and creative ideas to entice your man and you!!

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

1967- Got a creative idea for the weekend! Bowling!!! Thank you for your imput. And what a beautiful picture. x

[1967]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

hey rebirth!

there you go... give a shot. maybe hit the coast for a week-end getaway?
teach him how to knit (kidding).

thanks for the compliment! your picture is lovely too... I am happy you have taken steps to enrich your life, awesome!! let me know how the week-end went?

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

1967- bowling saturday night then cinema sunday. Plus he says he wont drink in front of me so that's an added plus. So you paint! I paint myself but I am not very original. Just copy stuff which is very naughty. Yes will let you know how this weekend goes...

Horsegrl - I had a arguement over the weekend with my partner about him drinking in front of me. It was not helping with my cravings and in the end I told him that he has to stop drinking in my presence or we dont see each other. He was initially annoyed but is okay for now. The test will be this weekedn when I see him.

[1967]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

retteacher;910828 wrote: My husband attends Alanon. It's very similar to AA w/people working the steps, getting a sponsor, & sharing at meetings. The focus is on the non-alcoholic person in the relationship, & how he/she can progress into a happier life.

Mary

hm.

just thinking that there was a time as a teacher i wanted to be part of this program as my mom's drinking was out of control and she was doing nutty stuff.
maybe i wouldn't be dealing with the crap i am coping with if I HAD had a support group such as Alanon. Hind sight is 20/20... glad i don't have children and the cycle will stop with me.
sad to put into words... BUT.... very true.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Interesting discussion about spouses etc. who still drink: My husband drinks very little, but when we go out w/friends that we've had for decades, he does drink a beer/wine or 2. Our friends drink the same way. I've found that the more I'm around it, the easier it becomes for me to just drink soda. We do not keep open bottles of wine in the house. And, until recently, we didn't even have unopened bottles in the house. We now have a couple for company. I've found that doesn't bother me anymore. However, if it becomes something I'm obsessing about, we'll pour them down the sink. Mary

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Hi everyone!!

DG, loved your talk about the work "powerless" in step 1, as my head gets clearer!! it becomes clearer! I was always so defensive re: my control of things! and the need to have power before.
The relief of giving that up when it comes to alcohol is a great weight off!!
Rebirth: re: signifcant other's drinking.. my husband is like DG's .. alcohol has no value to him, a normy as the AA people call him. He truely can take it or leave it which is so hard fo me to grasp and makes me really understand my disease. I am lucky that he drinks beer only occasionally and that was never my drink of choice. He doesn't like wine and never drinks it and I know that would be much harder for me to watch him drink around me right now since I don't have a lot of time in yet.

Glad he is reconsidering and I hope you two can work it out... I had a man in AA (who had 33 yrs of sobriety)that I shared my concern about balancing AA with my home life since I was going to so many meetings .. he told me (very passionately I might add) that my sobriety should be number 1 priority right now or I won't have a husband or family eventually!! I swallowed hard and agreed.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Cher: I have a friend in program...he's about 3 years sober...whose wife has issues w/the number of meetings he goes to. She doesn't say "no" to them all but does limit him. I couldn't be more grateful that my husband has never done that...probably because our life has changed for the better since I've been attending meetings. Mary

[marriedgirl29]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Al Anon

My sponsor has started mentioning that my husband should go to AlAnon and I agree it's just a matter of how to get him there. I feel like it's sort of the same as telling an alchoholic to go to AA, they have to want to. But I do like the idea of him having an outlet to talk to, sometimes I swear he gets jealous of AA.

Also, we got in an arguement over my attitude bc I was unwilling to reschedule a meeting with my sponsor today and he wanted me here for a time frame for some service people to come fix our phone and I said no and wasn't budging, bc I have had to reschedule this meeting twice we are on our third time of trying to get together. Reschedule the service people. He says well, why can't she come to the house? Well, we set a coffee shop to meet at and I'm unwilling to change the plan, she has children, etc. so it needs to be closer to her home and after cancelling twice I'm not asking for more changes. I just want to get this get aquainted meeting going so we can start working steps. I never got past step 3 in other attempts.

I think I will just let it be with the arguement, he is saying he doesn't like this woman and he hasn't met her, I don't think it's fair judgement, but what does it matter, I'm happy I have a sponsor who is experienced with taking sponsees through the steps, ones I have had before just say, well call me and never get to the step work part. And the phone people were successfully rescheduled to tommorow so all is fine, he was being dramatic as usual. I guess things change when you stop drinking and start standing up for yourself. Before I wouldn't have had any plans except to be at home drinking the service people would have seen a drunk woman's home and a drunk woman by 3 pm. THanks for letting me vent! I needed that, I feel a little weird telling my sponsor, my husband doesn't like you, he thinks you're inflexible, and its stressing me out! :thanks:

MG29

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

1967 - Your post reminded me of the reason why I have to stop. Not just for myself but for the most important thing in my life…my son. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to grow up with an alcoholic parent. It must have been so tough because I don’t see my chaos/madness/selfishness when I am drunk..but my poor son does. I feel so grateful that I have managed to stop before it’s too late. I want him to love and respect me. Be proud of me.

Ret I live alone and I don’t have any drink in my house. I think this is how it will have to be while I am still very young in sobriety. Ugh. The times I would wake up, determined not to drink for the day, pour alll drinks down the sink..not gonna drink today not gonna drink today. Then 5pm comes and I am desparately craving it and off I go to the off license.Groundhog day.The sheer madness of it! I am so glad I don’t have that obsession. So so grateful EVERYDAY I am so grateful.

Cherbear My partner use to use that line on me “ I can take it or leave it”. In comparison to me he can.. But in comparison to normies…no I don’t think he can take it or leave it.I think he has a slight problem. He was so annoyed when I said he can no longer drink in front of me.” So now I have to hide my drinking!” He said.
That to me a dependancy. He cant take it or leave it otherwise it would not bother him.The meetings together will hopefully shed some light to our situation. I am positive that it will.

Marriedgirl69 - My partner was initially jealous when I attended AA meetings. He thought I was having an affair. Then he was jealous of the amount of time I would spend on MYO. He thinks I am chatting up some guy. He has to be reminded that I have a terrible disease that can kill me if I don’t stop. He needs to put his insecurities behind him when it comes to my drug problem. You did the right thing. It’s your life we are talking about here.You use to be drunk during the day and now you are sober meeting your sponsor. Thats a celebration!x

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

Hi all! I have really enjoyed catching up on the discussion today. I think the views of the significant people in our lives about our recovery processes is an important topic. I feel so very fortunate that Mr. Doggy has no issue with the amount of involvement I have with AA - meetings, getting together with friends from AA outside of meetings, etc. On occassion Mr. D will go with me to social things like the picnics. It's not really "his thing" (he's more into individual type things for fun than group activities). But he will go for a little while and meet some of my friends. I don't push him to get more involved than he wants to be, and he doesn't push me to change anything. He sees how important this is to me, and he also loves the changes he has seen in my demeaner at home since I started going to AA. LOL - if I started acting crabby I wouldn't be shocked if he said "do you need to go to a meeting???"

I hope those of you who are struggling with your significant people through these changes all hang in there! I do believe whatever is supposed to happen WILL happen. If you have a sponsor, I strongly encourage talking about your challenges at home (as it pertains to your sobriety) with that person. They are there to help you and be a 3rd party listener.

One thing is for sure - I WILL keep my sobriety my number 1 priority. I have to. I'm fortunate that I have a spouse who understands that. But if I didn't, I would still need to keep sobriety my number 1 priority. Drinking will kill me and we can't have that!

A man at our meeting this morning lost his wife a few years ago. She was young and they had young children at home. This many was of course devastated as were the kids. They had to somehow pick up the pieces and go on. He stayed sober through that. I don't see this guy at meetings that often but each time I run into him, I think about all the flimsy excuses I used to drink over. I thought my life was OH so DRAMATICcally STRESSSSSSSSSful. Phooey. There are alcoholics just like me staying sober through all kinds of difficulties that I can't even imagine. So I have absoultely NO reason in my life to drink.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day!

DG

[Cinders]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of July 13 - 18

I just want to throw this out there. I know all of you are doing well with the steps.

I trip over this one big time. Just being honest.

Step 3
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

Giving up my will is sooo hard for me, friends. I had to wrestle it back from my parents, wrestle it back from my husband (and still do) and now I have to just give it up to my higher power.

I guess Higher Power means someone I can trust, but trust is hard for me.

Please don't think I am casting stones at all. It is the giving up of my will that scares me to death. Literally to death. :-(

I want to give it up but I keep pulling it back. Hanging on to my stupid self-will that has damaged me horrifically through my life. But it is all I have..

Thank you for listening. I know you will know what I am talking about and give me some kind and loving advice. I hope others here have had this problem. I know I sure do.

Love,
Cindi