July Jamboree ~ Week 4

[dill]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Rusty, I appreciated your comments, truly. I especially like the comment about making a list of beautiful people you know that don't drink. I have never made an actual list, but I do bring to mind all the people I know and respect that DO NOT drink. I find that helpful. I never felt the need to travel home from work with open booze in my care either. I just had to pick it up to have when I got home. It was really hard to break that habit. But I somehow managed it. I am really happy to hear that you are indifferent to al, even when not taking NAL or BAC. That's awesome! I love that you are on this thread.

[cyntree]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Inspiring posts, everyone. Thank you so much.

Must work late tonight, so will sign off sending best wishes to all....

(P.S. - LBH - What'll I do, and How Deep is the Ocean are my two favorites....now I'll be humming them all night!)

[rebirth]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Rusty;920218 wrote: I tell myself my reward will be that I will be able to do anything I want that day or night if I don't drink....because AL takes away my motivation to do anything. I have also made a list of all the truly physically beautiful people I know or have met that don't drink, and remind myself that they don't feel like they've missed out on something because they don't drink. For some reason, even without taking NAL or BAC, I am indifferent to it. Why, I don't know. (you're probably sorry you asked ME that question! :H

I really enjoyed reading your post Rusty. It was very inspiring and a great start to the day. AL definitely took away my motivation to do anything. As soon as my glass of wine was in my hand, time stopped and that was all I cared about.
Everything could wait and it did. Then I would do everything in a panic and complain that I never have enough time...
Now that I have stopped drinking I have so much time on my hands. I have achieved so much. Giving up the drink is one of the greatest achievements I done in my life.
There must be NO turning back for me.

Good morning everyone. Have a wonderful AF tuesday. x

[Stargazerlily]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Alcohol, the great UNmotivator. I agree, when drinking I am a mess. Get just enough done to appear like things are OK. The hardest thing for me is to let myself feel my feelings. Alcohol was a great way to get rid of them, temporarily of course. Then they come crashing down on you in the middle of the night.

Most of the people I know do not drink a whole lot. There are a few who do, and at this age, (late forties, early fifties) it is an embarrassment. As Dill has said, it is the enemy now.

Dill, I am so interested in your observation about Penelope and LBH being similar. Strong, beautiful, loving gardening, having a full life with dignity and respect. Thanks for sharing that. Mr. Red is on board with me, he and I are concerned about the adult son coming home. Last night I had an emotional melt down, projected the worst case scenarios. I know it will be challenging and will need support and one thing I have learned is that we who drink alot have a hard time asking for help as a rule. But I am learning that asking for help and support is healthy and that most people are willing. So last night talked to my two closest friends and that made a difference. Drinking at this point would push me over the edge so it is ODAT for me. Plus, being brought up Catholic, I am saying two novenas and placing this situation in God's hands as much as possible. So, storming heaven, asking for help, staying AF, and taking care of myself to the best of my ability. That's my plan.

Lavande, I respect that the fact that you have been married 40 years and totally understand that divorce is out of the question. I am pretty much the same after almost 30 years, but have a bad temper at times and visualize the surprise and shock to Mr. Lav if you said enough, I want out. But what would be the point after a lifetime? The famous Ann Lander's question, are we better off with or without him? You have clearly answered that question. Plus the fact that marriage is supposed to be for better for worse. And right now are the hard times, but having committed to the marriage, you will make it through.

Rusty, I love the idea of rewardng yourself with being able to do anything you want as long as you do not have that first drink. I think that I am going to try that. You sound well, and are such a hard worker. Great to rewardyourself with a run and a swim.

Rebirth, have a great AF Tuesday, and sending all peace and strength.

[rebirth]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Hi Star, I relate to the remark of seeing people in their late 40's and 50's being drunk. It's bad enough to see young people very drunk, but seeing older people like that makes me cringe even further. It makes me sad because they are a reflection of me in the future if I dont nip this one in the bud!

I am so grateful to be sober today. xx

[dill]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Hi Jammers,
Wow what a wonderful morning here! It cooled to 61 Farenheit over night. I had the window open and a fan on. I actually needed another blanket! I hope you had the same, Lav. That last heat wave was really getting to me.

Rebirth, I am at the point where I can't stop once I've had the first drink, just like you. In fact, if I have one drink and can't have another, it puts me in a foul mood. The discussion of seeing people in their 40-50's drunk made me want to mention, you can get drunk faster as you age. It's a strange phenomenon for me. I find that I get drunk faster, but don't "feel" the good buzz right away. I become impaired before I feel the buzz. So, being impaired, I lose my judgement and keep chasing the buzz. But I don't enjoy it because I'm too impaired to enjoy it. I don't think I am explaining this well, but the short of it is, our metabolism and chemistry changes with age and affects our tolerance. So, as LBH has more eloquently said in the past, drinking does not really "agree with me" very well.

Red, I can't tell you how happy I am for you that Mr. R is on board with you. It could be very difficult otherwise. Please feel free to come here and vent after your son moves in. If you need to, anyway. As far as prayer: I use it often, too. Every Sunday in Church when they say to pray for the silent intentions in our hearts, I pray for the strength to remain AF.

Cyn, you mustn't work too hard! Keep a balance and take care of yourself. Have you kept up with your labarynth pracitce?

Stay strong friends and enjoy today AF.

[Lavande]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Morning Jammers,

Enjoying my coffee at 7:45 am, waiting for EB to arise

It is cool here this morning Dill, sunny & dry now but heading to 90 of course. Sounds like the extreme humidity returns again tomorrow.

I have no idea what time my son & DIL will be returning today, probably will be late. They said it's a 15 hour ride, that's a long trip. So I'm sure EB will have a full day here

Wishing everyone a terrific AF Tuesday.
Lav

[rustop61]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Good morning everyone

Inspiring posts, I wish I had more time to reply. Can relate to so so much of what has been said.

Took my visitors to the beach yesterday and it was beautiful. Today is not so nice so we are going shopping.

Take care one and all, am thinking of you.

Rustop

[Chillgirl]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Hello my dear Jammers....
I have missed you all and thought of you much on my weekend away.

I got home last night and feel refocused and happy
My ominous feeling before I left was indeed just nerves about going home and seeing my family.

What I love about sobriety is the ongoing realizations about my life and the never ending learning about myself. I never realized before why family occasions were so stressful until now, before I was always on edge, irritable and impatient with everyone. Now I see this was because I was constantly anxious about my drinking, how I would be able to drink my normal amount without it being noticed & how I could make sure I had continuous access to alcohol. It was a constant worry to me and until I had had enough I could never unwind in their company then the next day would be spent trying to mask the horrendous hangover. This weekend a new girl visited them, Chillgirl! She was relaxed and calm, happy and at ease. She took time to listen to everyone and take an interest in their lives, she hugged and kissed them when she left they all said how wonderful it had been and how much fun they had had. :l

I even opened up to them about my spiritual beliefs which I know aren't shared and got a very positve response. Dill spoke of how we thought AL was our friend when in fact it was the enemy. AL was like a very controlling abusive love affair for me, so possessive that I couldnt see much further than the bottom of the glass. I truely feel like I am seeing the world through new eyes, the relief is overwhelming at times, I feel like Im one of the lucky ones who escaped when others are still trapped in abusive relationships which are slowly killing them.

Wishing you all a wonderful peaceful AF Tuesday....

[rebirth]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Hey Chill,
Glad to have you back. That was such a lovely post and I too have noticed that my relationship with my family is alot better. I too feel Im one of the lucky ones. I am grateful everyday for that. And I dont care if I sound like a broken record cause I still have to pinch myself at times. I am living life without AL...

I am doing it! Yeehaa!

[ladybirdheart]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Peaceful day in general here today. I had a work project yesterday that after a lot of worry, creepiness, and generalized sturm und drang turned out to be ?not bad?. I am appreciating this thread so much right now, Cyn I forgot about ?How Deep is the Ocean?, I adore that song. When I spoke a couple of days ago of having usually stopped at a liquor store on the way home from such a scary push at work, I guess I implied that I drank on the way home. While it never occurred to me to pop that bottle open in the car and I actually prided myself on a fully stocked liquor cabinet at home from which I could make the most obscure cocktail for any guest, I would buy something ?special? for me alone after a hard day for when I was ?done?, you know the whole sense of reward, it was my happy place for many (many) years. I am still attracted to drinking for this release, float, buzz, but see the outcome differently because it is different. Now I am an older lady who gets foggy and wakes up with the heebie-jeebies at two. Even though I am not drinking these days and have gone through some milestones without it, I know in my heart my commitment is full of holes as every month or two or three I pick up a drink without undue concern, I just do it because I want to and immediately agree with myself. I am very fortunate that things have not spiraled down as every time without fail, I think I can drink more. And more, such as everyday, fill the cabinet, I am cured! I am not remotely cured, I have passed the tipping point, I want a river of drinks handy and without consequence and I think I can handle it. In August it will have been a year since I had my first month AF. I want to focus on being FREE and do what our Rusty says in terms of reward and inspiration as even when I am not drinking I have not been as relieved as others who are more successful long term seem to be. Onward and keep the hope flowing. Love, Ladybird.

[Lavande]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Boy, it sure is QUIET in my house tonight! EB grandson is now back in the loving arms of his parents & the Insanity Twins as well :H

You all know how grateful I am to be living this sober life. I never would have been able to care for EB like this if I hadn't given up the poison! He really did save me from myself :l

Now if I could just kick his granfather's ass into gear.........

LBH, when I hit the 6 month AF mark is when my thinking really changed. At that point I just stopped thinking about AL. I've never felt that I've missed anything because I have gained so much!!!! Freedom, freedom, freedom is better than vats of AL

Well, I guess I'll read a book or something with my free time tonight - nice!
Wishing each & every Jammer a peaceful evening.
Lav

[cyntree]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Ahoy, Jammers - I am grateful to each and everyone of you on this thread - thank you for your courage and clarity of vision.

I began my work day this morning at 7:00 a.m. in a client's garage for a cleanout. Already in the morning it was well past 90 - hey ho the glamorous life; I looked like a drowned rat in short order!

Rusty - I will hang onto that 'reward' thought of permission to do or be whatever, just AF. Why does that permission seem so daunting when sober? Wasting an entire evening was no big deal when I was drinking...now without al, it seems far too frivolous a plan. So curious.

LBH - sorry that you had 'sturm und drang' about your job, and glad that it turned out well. I understand all that you wrote about your old patterns; maybe as Lav says, it is just a matter of accruing enough AF time. However Chill - I really had a visceral understanding of your metaphor of the 'abusive relationship' model. I never thought I would be subject to anyone who would treat me poorly -- but look what I decided to spend tons of time with.....

Red - good luck with your family challenges; I hope that you know that you are always welcome to 'spout' here...

Dill - thanks for the reminder about balance - I do so forget that. Oddly enough, one of the highlights of our May trip was a stay at a Tuscan country house and classical riding school, where I turned into an adolescent girl with a crush on every horse I lay eyes on. The phenomenal riding instructors there (I think of them as Shamans) were constantly reminding us to 1) breathe, and 2) seek balance; within ourselves, and with our horse partner. What a rich an deep experience it was to ride there. Needless to say, I am looking for an instructor here where I live. Riding now is impossible because of the heat, but I am determined to find that evocation of balance. At night I dream of owning a sweet little Icelandic pony...maybe a hobby farm is in my future. Lav - can you teach me how to raise chickens? Maybe they wouldn't mind me serenading them with Irving Berlin?

Oh - so sleepy now I'm not making sense, better quit. Thinking of you all, whether you're seeing sunup or sunset.

[rebirth]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

Good morning LBH, Lav, and cyn

LBH I cannot pick up every few months because I know that I wont stop drinking. I have a strong compulsion to drink and it took me two years to accept that I am an alcoholic. The more sobriety I have behind me , the more obvious it becomes that I really had a serious drink problem. To wake up every sunday morning with a hangover, and drink first thing in the morning, and drink steadily all day, and slouch on the sofa cause I am too wasted, ot tired, or hang out at pubs with playgrounds so that I can drink while my son can play...this was normal behaviour to me. It's madness.

Lav - I bet the house must be very quiet. My son is on holiday with my mum and my house can be so quiet that it was deafening! I am missing his chatter..sigh.
I loved what you said about the six months mark. I really hope that I succeed in getting there. I have some tough moments when the old side of me comes back.

Have a lovely fruitful day. x

[rebirth]

July Jamboree ~ Week 4

This is my little boy. He is six and the love of my life! I really miss him today.