AF August - Week 1

[Rusty]

AF August - Week 1

Hi Rustop-

An AF trip to France......oh, don't be surprised if I ask to PM you. I have to go to Paris in October and uh, well, let's just put it this way....the last time I was there I was "overserved." I'll need extra support and tools, I think.

Lav-you sound great! When you have a good night's sleep, you feel like you can take on the world, right?

Chill-How are you doing? Did you get the ironing job?

Hello to Papmom, Cyntree, and everyone else I might have missed!

[Lavande]

AF August - Week 1

Good morning friends,

A very well rested Lav finally checking in - I overslept but who cares? No dreams - good!!!!

Dill, I haven't heard a word, in any shape or form from Mr Lav since last weekend. I think I really pissed him off. I needed to show him my new boundary lines.........he'll either get used to them or he won't! He has a tendency to be controlling, manipulating, basically a bully (typical cop mentality). I've always told him to leave that personality at or he'll have to deal with the real ME

Greetings to each & everyone, I have to run now but will be back!
Have a great AF Friday.

Lav

[Lavande]

AF August - Week 1

WOW!
This message from the DailyOM really spoke to me:

August 5, 2010
The Power of Disengagement
Playing Mind Games
Rather than being heart based, some have learned to play mind games or go on power trips in the service of their ego.


For better or worse, many people have been raised to believe that communicating in an honest and open way will not get them what they want. They have learned, instead, to play mind games or go on power trips in the service of their ego’s agenda. People stuck in this outmoded and inefficient style of communication can be trying at best and downright destructive at worst. We may get caught up in thinking we have to play the same games in order to defend ourselves, but that will only lead us deeper into confusion and conflict. The best way to handle people like this is to be clear and honest with them.

As with all relationships and situations in our lives, we must look within for both the source of our difficulties and the solution. Reacting to the situation by getting upset will only entrench us more deeply in the undesirable relationship. Only by disengaging, becoming still, and going within can we begin to see what has hooked us into the mess in the first place. We will most likely find unprocessed emotions that we can finally fully feel and release into the stillness we find in meditation. The more we are able to do this, the less we will be bothered by the other person’s dramas and the more we will be free to respond in a new way. In the light of our new awareness, the situation will untangle itself and we will slowly break free.

Whenever people come into our lives, they have come for a reason, to show us something about ourselves that we have not been able to see. When unhealthy people try to hook us into their patterns with mind games and power trips, we can remind ourselves that we have something to learn here and that a part of us is calling out for healing. This takes the focus off the troubling individual and puts it back on us, giving us the opportunity to change the situation from the inside out.

What do you all think????
Lav

[spedteach]

AF August - Week 1

Hey everybody,
It has taken me over an hour to read through all these posts, had to read end of July too.
I am back in Indiana, hanging out with my nervous son. He is a new college professor and starts actually teaching in 3 weeks. He will have over 100 students. This is a kid I thought could never be nervous. We are visiting farmers markets, book stores, taking walks. Ran this morning for the first time in a while. The humidity is tough to deal with. Love seeing the big orange sun come up on the horizon.

Four more days for my af free year. Chill you asked (in July I think) why alcohol was on my mind so much approaching this anniversary. It's hard to explain. It's like I feel like drinking a glass of wine on the 10th just to make it not such a big deal. I'm well past the 6 month mark but I still think about drinking almost everyday. Not wanting to drink but just acknowledging situations I find myself in which would usually involve drinking.

Lav, I'm thinking about you, hoping you are well. You are so lucky to have your children close.
I don't have to do anything to peaches to love them. Overabundance of anything can make you crazy though.

Chill, what a brave attitude you have towards your financial woes.

LBH, I know about cooking early. I'm about to make pesto. My son has some that he made in his frig. He said he had put too much of the green part of the leeks in his pesto! Guess he needs a cook book.

Sorry to hear of everyone's insomnia. It helps a lot that I am not working right now. If I wake up at 3, I just get up and start reading, writing, running. As for dreams, I am fortunate to enjoy wonderful ones, in them I'm teaching, running, flying.

Rusty, I'm about to try the indoor track here in order to get my runs in.

Dill, loved to Potato Peel book. Last time I was in a book store CLAPTON was the book I carried around with me but ended up not buying. I am reading another book by Laura Moriarity.

Rust top, glad your travels went well.

Red/Star, hope you can find a motel/hotel laptop and tell us how your cross country journey is going.

Sooty, what kind of dance did you do? Zumba??

Welcome to all those newcomers

[Chillgirl]

AF August - Week 1

Wow Lav, yes todays mesg spoke volumes to me too! I have to compose an email over the weekend to my ex outlining my grievenses and when I was out walking today playing it over in my head, I was saying "and you did this, and you did that and you promised this and now you've caused me that!!!" Blah blah blah all coming from my ego and wanting him to feel as bad as possible. But this reaction is coming from my emotions of hurt and anger and will serve only to cause more pain and conflict. I need to state the facts instead of the pain im in, I want to try to write it from a place of love as being angry at him wont change anything. Im not saying its going to be easy and I can see 100 drafts being required before its send! At the end of the day however badly he behaves I want to know that I didnt play "mind games".

Sadly I think its so true that our society follows our ego's agenda. I hear it all the time from my girlfriends, "oh the bastard is going to pay dearly!" For what? For deciding he didnt want to be with me any more, I can think of a lot worse sins.....

I think the solar storm can definately have the blame for the weird dreams going around, just in our little group, what with LBH's bizarre one and now you Rustop, we are certainly having some strange ones! Last nights for me had me sitting up in bed one morning with my ex, im reading this book on addiction which is interactive and has this therapists voice speaking to me?! My ex has the most horrendous hangover and reaches to a fridge beside the bed and pulls out a beer!

Star - I have probably missed you but wish you a safe and good trip, look forward to hearing your news on your son next week.

Rusty - Have a great time with your Sister!

Sooty - Does your choir group ever sing Amazing Grace? A MWO member recently told me it was his theme song for giving up drinking and I downloaded a version by LeAnn Rimes the other day and cant stop listening to it. We were all lost and indeed are now found.....

Sending my love to you all and wishing you a very happy AF Friday :l

[Chillgirl]

AF August - Week 1

Hi Sped! cross posts...

[Rusty]

AF August - Week 1

Hi Sped,

Good to hear from you! That is so exciting that your son is a college professor and I think it's wonderful that you are there with him.

Chill-you'll probably be vacillating between anger and sadness for a while but it sounds like you're coping really well and AF-I admire you so much.

Lav-I loved your post and especially this part:Reacting to the situation by getting upset will only entrench us more deeply in the undesirable relationship. Only by disengaging, becoming still, and going within can we begin to see what has hooked us into the mess in the first place. I so agree with this because I made the mistake so many times in my previous careers where I was frustrated or angry or felt I had been wronged, and I blew up at the person. That includes bosses, co-workers and ex-boyfriends. And after reading this post, Lav, I wrote down past and recent business and personal situations where I just kept my cool instead of blowing up, and I really did achieve what I wanted and got a lot further in my journey of the day-whether it was with a boss, co-worker or ex, when I just disengaged myself and took the "personal" feelings out of it. Business is not personal and when dealing with an ex-it really isn't personal anymore when lawyers are involved. I have to keep reminding myself to disengage myself because I am a WAY too sensitive person and wear my feelings on my sleeve.

Thank you for taking the time to post this!

xoxox

Rusty

[dill]

AF August - Week 1

Lav, that was a very profound passage and I agree with the part that says, " Reacting to the situation by getting upset will only entrench us more deeply in the undesirable relationship. Only by disengaging, becoming still, and going within can we begin to see what has hooked us into the mess in the first place." The trick is finding the way to remain calm and disengaged. That is often easier said than done, but it is definitely worth working toward.

Rustop, what a strange dream! I must say, I am impressed that you pull a horse trailer. That would be a nightmare to me in itself!

Rusty, What do you mean you "have to go to Paris"?! Gee, some people have it really rough!:H

Chill, I am with you on trying not to play the mind games and acting out of anger. The things I regret the most have usually been done in anger.

Sped, I'm glad you posted. I think I can understand your wanting to drink the glass of wine. Almost like saying "Ta-da!!!, I won, I beat the beast! I'm the boss!" But really, honestly, that glass of wine will not be all that it's cracked up to be. Let it go! You have better things to do with your time these days.

[ladybirdheart]

AF August - Week 1

Very late check-in for me. Hello Rusty, Rustop, and Sooty. So good to see you here again Shelley. I shall think about you writing your letter, Chill, it can be arduous to sort through and choose the words that convey what you most want to say but in the end they will resonate with your wise heart. I am with you in not ever wanting to make things worse than they already are. I have been thinking of peaches all day, Lav, I grew up within a small grove of lovely trees and have rarely had such a good peach since. I am not sure where they went. Thank you for the thoughtful post about being still. There is a simple breathing meditation I like, it may be from Thich Nhat Hanh but I am not sure, that says ?breathing in I see myself as still water; breathing out I reflect all that is around me ?; the image of things not penetrating really helps me if I feel cornered emotionally or overwhelmed. On an easy note, I had dinner out tonight and did not miss the wine pairing as I was once again more intrigued by how much more comfortable conversation is without alcohol on board, very funny as I always thought I drank to feel more socially relaxed. One fellow at my lively table was a most unusual treat, an Italian ?crooner?, and I shall probably drift around all night with Sinatra in my head. I hope so. I look forward to your safe returns Cyn and Redstar. Love, Ladybird.

[Rusty]

AF August - Week 1

Good Morning Everyone-

Ladybird-congrats on staying AF during the dinner and glad you found the conversation comfortable without AL in the picture. Still hearing Sinatra in your head? :-)

Dill-knock it off......hahahahahahhah! I really don't want to go to Paris because I won't have time to do anything fun while I am there and, I really do hate those long plane rides now.

Where is everybody this morning?

Well, I'm off for my run....have a great AF day everyone!

Rusty

[rustop61]

AF August - Week 1

Good afternoon everyone

Bit later than usual checking in. Am in a more relaxed mode since I came back from France. Went back to bed this morning with a cup of tea and my book.

Hope you enjoyed your run Rusty.

Lav and Chill - I hope everything works out for both of you. You are two very strong ladies.

LBH - Well done on an AF dinner. Once the initial stage of pouring is over I dont even think about the wine and what I might be missing anymore. Being AF and able to remember everything is far more rewarding.

Sped - Welcome back and congratulations on having nearly a year AF. That is some achievement, you should be so proud of yourself.

Dill, Sooty, Star, Cyn and anyone else I missed have a great Saturday and week-end.

Rustop

[Chillgirl]

AF August - Week 1

Hi Guys

A very hot humid day here with record temperatures, I was up early and power walked for an hr and a half which is my therapy. When I came back I took my time composing the email to my ex asking for info my lawyer wants and asking him to reconsider his drastic action in cutting my alimony. I had thought it would keep me awake last night but Im happy to say I slept wonderfully. Pressing the send button was a great relief, now I feel the turmoil in my head is out there instead of in me and I can release the anguish for now. I cant do anything until he responds so no point in giving it any more of my attention. I sent it to his office so he wont get it until Monday.

Rusty - Paris in October! I dont supose you could make a detour to Portugal for a visit? I didnt get the ironing job and a good friend and business man who has been through 2 divorces and told me not to until I have put more pressure on my ex.

LBH - Im delighted you had a good AF evening out, you made me smile visualizing your "Italian crooner".

Sped - You are always up with the sun or before, Im curious to know what the hell time you go to bed at?!

Lav - what are you up to this weekend?

I was invited to a party tonight and my Mother has pleaded with me to go. (She is concerned about my new reclusive tendancies and swears she is not leaving the planet until I find a nice guy to settle down with!) However I have found that the new me to emerge AF is almost the opposite of the party going girl I once was. Now I only crave the company, usually one to one, of my very closest friends with whom I can be totally myself. I am happy to potter at home with my beloved dog as company. Do any of you feel this way too?

Rustop, Dill and all to follow have a great Saturday.....

Chill

[Rusty]

AF August - Week 1

Hi Chill,

Great to hear from you. Good job on sending the objective and calm e-mail to your ex about the alimony, and you did it AF! :goodjob: Imagine what you would have said if you had been drinking (EEEK). Oh, Chill, how I wish I could make a stop in Portugal. I would enjoy the sites and take you out for a lovely meal somewhere. Maybe next year?

Regarding your question: Now I only crave the company, usually one to one, of my very closest friends with whom I can be totally myself. I am happy to potter at home with my beloved dog as company. Do any of you feel this way too?

I can totally understand how you want to be with one of your very closest friends. I have always been that way, too. In your situation, when you were married, you were the "corporate wife," and you had to make small talk with clients and colleagues in a business situation and it is so superficial. Now, you can enjoy your time with the people or creatures (four-legged ones) that you WANT to be with. Chill, I own my own company and my clients always ask me if I want to go out to dinner, and even before I drank , 7 or 8 years ago, I HATED doing it. When you're with clients, it's still WORK, and it is NOT relaxing. I also don't like enough of my work colleagues to spend any time with them. Give me my little dog and Bridget Jones's Diary (one of my favorite movies) on a Friday or Saturday night and I am happy as a clam.

Also, regarding your mum trying to set you up...I think it's a mistake to get involved with someone when you are still grieving the loss of the previous relationship. I've made that mistake before (twice) and I'll try not to make that mistake again.

Hoping you are having a wonderful day,

Rusty

[papmom3]

AF August - Week 1

Hi Chill,
I've never been married or in a long term relationship but I do prefer to be with my pups instead of most people. I guess I'm kind of reclusive in that sense but unless they are dog people, I just don't have much to say. I think you totally deserve to be by yourself whenever you want after all you've been through. When you're ready, you'll start seeking out other "like" people. I'm seriously thinking of taking a knitting class if I can afford it and of course there is always AA in the back of my mind. I love how DG is so into it and has made such good friends. I know I will get there eventually.
I say stick with your doggie-you can't go wrong!!
:l

[Chillgirl]

AF August - Week 1

Hi girls

Rusty re "small talk" you are so right and of course to get through it I would be knocking back the wine & laughing at unfunny jokes! I feel for you with the corporate entertaining. Oh the bliss of Bridget Jones movie with my dog at my feet (& perhaps a little chocolate!) is my ideal night in too. In fact tonight it's almost that with some Greys Anatomy instead...

I would however like to meet McDreamy, it has been 6 years since I split with hubby and way over time to let him go.

Papmom I'm with you on the doggy issue, they immediately earn bonus points if they love our 4 legged friends. My 1st ever job in my teens was at kennels & I have produced a charity dog calendar for our local shelter here. And yes, I only want to be with like minded people now. DG seems to have a great AA network & I hear of others which are great socially. I'm very limited here as it's a rural area and the AA group is very small.