Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

[papmom3]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

:l:l J-Vo :l:l

Well done!!

[marriedgirl29]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Wow,

Hello J Vo, your first AA meeting! Good for you. It's fun once you get used to it and I'm glad you really opened up and shared and its totally ok to cry, people do it all the time. Also, you'll probably want to try several groups before deciding on a home group. It's like house shopping, you don't take the first one you see unless you're instantly sure its perfect for you, and even then you'll probably want to make sure there's not another one that's even better before you decide.

Since you picked up your silver chip, I hope they told you it's "suggested" that you do 90 meetings in 90 days. I am there now, I have about 40 days or so sober so I am trying to make it a discipline to go every day, especially when I am tired from work and don't feel like it. You will hear this a lot but it's all about really wanting recovery for yourself and putting your recovery first. And doing that has been working for me thus far, I have been careful(with one exception which I really regretted bc of the emotional stress it caused) to keep away from drinking or if I have to be around it to have a sober person(doesn't have to be from AA, I sometimes use my husband) with me so I'm not in a position to be the only one not drinking. Social situations are tough when your identity is wrapped up in who you are as a drinker, which for me is a struggle to separate myself and learn to think of myself not as a party girl, since that's how I've been going for most of the last 15 years. Also, in the first 30 -whoa did I have some crazy dreams about drinking! I would wake up and think Oh, no...how will I tell my sponsor? because it seemed so real, then about 3 minutes later I would realize it didn't really happen. Just some of my experiences!!! :welcome:

I wish you luck! Please keep posting!

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

YAY J-vo!!!!! I know how scary it is to go to your first meeting and to have it be that small of a group is tough. More pressure to share, So proud of you!!! you know the relief you feel when you share and listen afterwards is beyond words. at least for me.!!! Don't worry about getting a home group, just go to alot of meetings and you'll know what is a good fit for you. Also are there any womens meetings around, I really like the ones I go to. I am surprised they had a smokers meeting. I haven't run into that yet. They just smoke outside right before the meeting.
I'm heading on Vacation too so I have alot of reading to look forward too also. A whole new experience, a vacation sober!!!

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

:yougo::yougo::yougo:!!!! I love this thread and all the support being shared. j-vo, good for you getting through the fear and walking through the doors for the first time. I think you will find that MANY people felt that exact same way for their first meeting. And many people have cried when sharing. I know I have!!!! You don't need to feel alone in any of your drinking and recovery related experiences any more. That was such a relief for me to discover and it sounds like you are feeling that relief too. Awesome!

MG, I love the house shopping analogy - I think that's perfect! I too started my good habit by focusing on 90 in 90. Then I just didn't stop and I go to a meeting nearly every day. It stopped feeling like a chore a long time ago and quickly became something I look forward to. I think the 90 in 90 suggestion is great as it really developed a positive new habit in me. I sure spent a lot more than an hour a day on drinking and all the stuff related to drinking. (getting booze, hiding my drinking, planning my drinking, recovering from my hangovers, etc.) I also like your strategies such as making sure you are with a non-drinker at social events, etc. That is a great idea.

Cher, have an awesome time on vacation! I was scared to death of women only meetings but now that I have made myself step up and start going to a couple, I'm glad I did. I'm finding that what I feel most uncomfortable about is EXACTLY what I need to push myself to do in order to keep growing and finding myself as a sober person.

I am enjoying my AA related service work and other volunteer work. I'm looking forward to those things becoming a natural and regular part of my life rather than feeling like something that is a bit like "extra work." These are things I should have been doing all along. (the volunteering part anyway!)

I'm starting my day off with giving someone a ride to AA and also chairing the meeting. I used to resent "having to do" for somebody else. Now I don't mind and feel good about it. That change in my attitude and inner feeling about doing things for others is such an amazing transformation. It might not show on the outside but it feels so much better on the inside.

DG

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Papmom, thanks for the hugs! I need that.

Married, I will be house shopping. I didn't feel that I was comfortable with the amount of smoke in the one room (which was where the big meeting was held). As I was sitting next door in the small meeting, I kept hearing louds cheers, and I thought that I wish I could hear what was going on over there. It was hard to stay focused, and I know I would have been uncomfortable in any situation regardless of the heavy smoke. I hope the market is good for house shopping now! And congrats on your 40 days! They did not mention about the 90 days daily. I think I need to find a place, do my research first before I get settled into a place where I can call home. Thanks for that advice.

Cher, it was scary, yet freeing. I want to try all formats, women's as well as various locations. I'll be starting back to work soon, getting my son off to Jr. High, and it's a stressful time of the year, but I'll put the time in, as this is I can see, my priority. Enjoy your vacation. I leave this Sat. also for vacation, but luckily with nondrinkers!

DG, I not only cried during my story, or whatever came out of my mouth, which was, I admit, fragmented and all over the place, but I cried during others stories. What kind of services do you do for AA and other volunteer work?

Tonight I'm going to an open speaker meeting. I look forward to that. I have such a huge library of memoirs and stories of success, it would be nice hearing it in person.

Vacation is coming up this weekend, getting son off to Jr. High, he gets his braces on this month, I go back to school, and it's a crazy month. But I'm going to make sure I place this on the top of my list!

Have a good day and thank you all for your support.

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Good for you j-vo! Keep checking them out - each one is different - and at some there's so much laughing and fun - I never would have imagined.

DG, I am finding some of my discomfort with women's meetings is not only my past experience with women, but I think it is the emotion, which I find harder to contain there, and feel I just might break. Fear of showing my real and much more vulnerable than I care to admit self maybe. I think maybe I fear me more than them. In mixed meetings, especially where it's mostly men, there is more making light of things and laughing about it even if they tell a very sad story. I wonder if it's as different in all men meetings as in all women meetings?

I've started going to one where there are a lot of tough looking women, which is different than where I usually go - where everyone is very middle class or well to do - no one I'd be afraid to meet on the street. A woman from my regular group recommended this other one to me as a really good women's group. At first I found it slightly off putting - I mean I kind of stand out like an aging hippie in my regular group and here I feel like Ms Suburbia. There are a lot of newly sober members, but there are also some very long term sober older women. I have a feeling if I want an ass kicking sponsor, this might be where I should look. I was listening intently to one talking about "the need to have all the bricks in your foundation" to make the program work, and we kept making eye contact, like she was speaking directly to me. I was so mesmerized and kind of overwhelmed by what she said, I didn't hear and could hardly respond when the chair called on me next (thinking since I'm not a "regular" here, it wouldn't happen!). I was nearly crying, because I know she was speaking the truth.

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

dancelot,
I was thinking of trying the opposite of what you mentioned above. Last night when I went to the meeting, I felt extremely uncomfortable. The majority of the people were in the smoking room, and I couldn't breath in there for one minute. Then next door, the only reason we had a meeting there was because two of the girls had babies with them and didn't want them to be exposed to that smoke. But I felt scared. One of the girls who'd just gotten out of jail and had been pregnant the whole time she'd been incarcerated, kept saying "I just can't stop selling drugs!" I didn't asked if she used them, I was too damn scared and I thought it would be inappropriate. Then the other kept saying I want to use heroine right now. She had used 8 days ago, and has been addicted for 15 years. The other had gotten out of detox two weeks ago. All three girls had lost custody of at least two of their children, and they were such young girls. Then the guy that was there with the major attitude and had been court ordered to be there was scary. He didn't partake in any of the discussion. I was glad that I'd gone, but I can also see I need to do my research and find what is right for me. Maybe one of those meetings will be good for me later on, maybe I'd be able to help someone like that down the road, but for today, I've been looking at all the information on the website. I have narrowed it to three.

After vacation, I will be trying three locations. The abbreviations throw me off a little. But the first one I will go to is in a much better area than the one I chose last night. All three are No smoking (again, I have a few smokes here and there, but I start to gag when I'm around too much). The first one I'll go to is a beginner's meeting. So I have a starting point when I get back from vacation. While I'm away, I've got the Gift's of Sobriety which talks about the 12 promises (I've begun reading and have done some exercises in them). I plan on purchasing the Big Book. One thing at a time!

I also found out last night that a Presbyterian church nearby, which I've been to and love the church, has meetings. The pastor actually is a recovering alcoholic of many, many years. He did my father-in-law's service five years ago when he passed away. He's a wonderful man. I'm actually Roman Catholic, but not practicing and I'd like to try this church.

Does anyone subscribe to the "Grapevine journal?"

Another concern I have is time. With a full-time job, a child and husband, and all the activities my son participates in (heavy into sports which take place in the evenings) that I won't be able to attend daily. He's also at the age where his homework will require more work. Is it not ok to go once or twice a week? Is more expected? Or do people go at their own pace?

This is a time of year where I have to get reacclimated to real life. I'm a teacher and am usually at work by 6:50 a.m. I start back the 23rd of this month. That's enough to stress me out usually. I just don't want to do anything half-ass (sorry) as far as learning the steps, working them, going to the meetings. I'd like to be able to maintain a schedule of meetings that works with my son and husband and all of our extracurricular activities.

Thanks for any input!

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Dance, the women's meeting I'm going to today has quite a few of the tough types!! So far, I also observe that the women's meetings seem very serious whereas the mixed meetings are sometimes (but not always) more light hearted. But I've only recently started going to women's meetings, so I have no idea if that observation will hold up! I do feel more raw around the women and I was thinking about your post. I think for me too that is more about me than about them. I'm sure that means this is something I need to dig deeper about. I had relationship with my Mom from VERY early on that was more serious and professional than it was personal and emotional. (I was involved in a sport and she was more like my full time coach then my full time Mom). Not placing blame - I got a lot of benefit out of that experience too. But it wasn't a "normal" mother/daughter relationship and I suspect has affected how I relate to other people in life and especially other women. (they were my competitors!) Anyway...too much psycho babble!

j-vo - take it easy!! The point of "90 meetings in 90 days" is to develop a new good habit of working on your sobriety every day (that you are able to!). "Progress, not perfection" is a good saying to remember. Most of us managed to find plenty of time to drink even on the busiest of days. So we can usually find time for an AA meeting. BUT MAYBE NOT ALWAYS. Just do your best and don't stress. This should be a positive experience in your recovery, not a totally overwhelming one!

The other meetings you describe sound very interesting. You will not go wrong by going to many different types of meetings in many different places. Sponsee 2 grabbed that suggestion with both hands and has had a wonderful experience meeting lots of different people and developing a very wide sobriety support network. There is plenty of time for a "home group" later on. I subscribe to the Grapevine and really like it. There is always a monthly theme, but a variety of different articles and stories - a little something for everyone it seems. I usually try to pass mine along when I'm done for others to read who don't yet have a subscription.

I'm going to the Women's 12 Step Study today - the one with the wide range including Tough Chicks. Dance, I will think of you and smile.

DG

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

DG,
"Progress, not perfection" is something I've just written down. I will need to remind myself of that frequently. You can see my perfectionistic personality coming through. Hopefully, this experience will lead me to that peace and be less hard on myself. I also was thinking that this will help greatly with my severe social anxiety I have. I'm on a few medications for that, and if I'd be able to reduce that eventually, that would be another blessing.

As always in my life, if I did something, it had to be perfect. I hope I learn that life is not about perfection, that there's much more, and that I will be able to see that and believe that. I think my perfecctionism may come from the need to hide the imperfections. And as far as imperfections, I've got plenty as everyone does. I just have to believe that I don't need to hide them anymore.

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hi Everyone! Happy Sober Friday. Well I went to the meeting last nite at the mens sober recovery house. It was a book study. I was assured last Sunday that I wouldn't be the only female there, but guess what??? I was! At first it felt a bit weird, but what was a bit stranger was that the story we read from the Big Book was about a hispanic man and his struggles. I really wasn't up to sharing at this point (haven't really done much at the meetings I attend, mostly listen and absorb the energy). I guess I was fortunate they read this story, cause a) I'm not a man, b) I'm not hispanic and c) I don't have childeren to relate with his guilt at not being there for them.

But a lot of the men in the room could and did relate to the story. After hearing some of their stories with DT's and jail time, I'm glad to have found AA before those stories became my story.

I'm going to a womens meeting tonight. Should be able to relate much better there! Everyone have a wonderful rest of your Friday.

R2C

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

j-vo, you don't need to hide them any more. I hope you find the same opportunity I have for self discovery and healing in AA. I think it's there if we are open to it.

Dance, I thought of you at the women's meeting today. It was a good meeting and I'm glad I went. A couple of women commented today that they have trouble in large groups of women and with trust. I sure felted like I "belonged" in that conversation. One women said she feels more vulnerable around other women as it feels like they can see right through her, whereas with men around, (i.e. mixed AA meetings) things stay at a bit more superficial level. I think she might be on to something I can relate to. As much as I have felt raw and have often cried buckets in mixed meetings, I do think I fear taking that to another deeper level with women who might be able to see right through me. I know that I need to keep going back to this meeting.

I had an experience earlier today that made me value AA, and applying the principles to other areas of my life. I love the way we share our experience strength and hope in AA - by relating only what we have experienced - not telling others "what to do." A guy in my leads group this morning is going to a very difficult business situation - something that me and Mr. Doggy also went through. Several people were busy *telling him* what to do, and what his former company can and can't do (without any credibility to back up their comments / advice). I just said that me and Mr. Doggy went through something similar and that it really can all work out OK. (it really did feel like AA for business! :H) He shed tears. Then the guy sitting next to me said that he too went through that same thing. The relief on guy #1's face just hearing that others in our group went through it was something to see. It's clear that the sharing of experience meant a lot more to him today than "advice."

Hope everyone is gearing up for a good weekend. For those of you leaving on vacation, have a good time and take your sobriety tools with you!

DG

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hi, everyone! I'll try again - I was pretty far along in my reply and got logged off - that hasn't happened for a long while (guess I didn't click "remember me").

j-vo - "Progress not perfection" - I used to write that phrase down taking notes at meetings, every time I heard it. I too let my perfectionist tendencies get in my own way. Even thinking right now, I can see where I've been doing it (or rather doing nothing rather than not be "perfect"). I decided 2 of the women's meetings are close by, I won't be out riding on Saturday afternoon in August and there's nothing pressing on Monday nights. The third one is not really that far, doesn't take too long, it's not that bad of traffic going that direction, and there's alternate routes. So I can make those, at least two of them.

You might check locations and times - I carry a little book that lists all the meetings in my area, and mark any that are in parts of town I frequent. I think what's important is find some that are do able, even if it's not that many or even one to start. I understand getting in the habit by doing 90 in 90, but if realistically if it isn't feasible, if there's one or more you can fit in, and stick with it, that's better than not doing it. After awhile, it becomes like "me time", and I often felt rejuvenated or at least that my brain was reset to better place.

DG - I have heard a few women comment on their fear or discomfort with other women. Actually I remember one who sounded so much like me - she gave me her phone # the time I admitted that (it was a mixed meeting). There is one mixed meeting I liked, the one run by the old guy I could picture in a roadhouse brawl. This one has an interesting vibe. It's smaller usually, there's some wild stories, but I have seen some men become extremely vulnerable telling their stories. It's like just the right mix somehow.

I agree there is something about feeling women can see right through me - I sure felt it at the "tough girl" meeting. The older, long term sober women are no nonsense types. They can not only see through you, you definitely know it.

Interestingly, I did see someone from real life here - she who works at one of my doctor's practices, and has many years sobriety. There were also a couple of women who drove a long way from a smaller town to be able to come to a women's meeting - and said they'd come again, and others would join them. At the Saturday women's meeting there are two who drive 100 miles since there's no women's groups in their smaller city. Always a learning experience. I am glad I am getting back into it, and I too will keep "progress not perfection" in mind.

Thanks DG too, for the reminder of sharing our experiences, rather than "giving advice". This is something I need to keep in mind myself (progress not perfection!).

Hope everyone has a good weekend, and those of you going on vacation, take your reading materials, do a little homework, and have a wonderful sober time! :h

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Dance, I was missing your posts here so I'm glad you are getting back to it as well!

Went to Big Book study this morning. We recently finished the book and have started over. Today was the first few pages of Chapter 3 - More About Alcoholism. The more times I read this Chapter, the more I love it. It describes all the alcoholic behavior I went through by myself, while thinking I was the only one. Not only wasn't I the only one in modern times, the "alcoholic thinking" sure hasn't changed in 75 years. I especially like the second full paragraph on page 31 where it describes just a few of the ways we tried to control our drinking and drink like normal people. :H It never fails when this has been read in meetings I've been to, during the discussion people add to the list. Today one guy said "they forgot to mention smoking pot instead of drinking..." (I've heard that one called "the marajuana solution") Anyway....I just really relate to all that. I can't even remember all the various rules I made and I couldn't follow any of them. http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

At the top of page 31 - at the end of the partial paragraph - there is mention about medical doctors not having a solution, but maybe they will someday. I talked about this part with my sponsor recently. This and other comments in the book make me believe strongly that the founders would have been in firm support of some of the medical advances with drugs ranging from Antabuse to Baclofen. I believe Bill and Dr. Bob were very open to working WITH the medical community, not rejecting the medical community. It saddens me deeply when I hear an old timer scoff at the support that is so beneficial to some people through these meds. I don't think the anti-craving meds solve the entire problem. At least not the entire problem I had / have where there was and still is a lot to resolve once the drinking was stopped. (rant over)

There is a line in that reading about our desire to "learn how to drink like a gentleman." I had to laugh a little. I never really aspired to "drink like a lady." (I guess maybe I thought ladies only drank one, and that was sure never MY goal!) I took pride in "drinking like a sailor." LOL I have no idea how "sailors" drink, and they are probably all different just like people in any other profession. Where did that saying come from, anyway? I've never heard "drink like an accountant" or "drink like a stripper" or whatever. I thought drinking wine was pretty sophisticated. Did I think it was sophisticated in a box? No....that was just cheap and convenient and non-breakable. Wasn't so much that I was concerned about cleaning up broken glass as I was concerned about being out of wine. THAT was a PROBLEM.

Anyway....thought I would share the link to that chapter in case anyone without a big book is curious to read it. I am still amazed at how nothing has changed when it comes to alcoholism - the disease part.

I'm so grateful that I have choices again. I really didn't have a choice about drinking in the end. It ruled me.

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hello AAers (or anyone just interested in this thread!)

Just got back from the Sunday 12 Steps and 12 Traditions meeting where we talked about the 10th Tradition -

"Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy."

I find it interesting to hear some of the history behind this tradition. The Washingtonians were a group similar to AA formed in the 1800's - alcoholics helping each other with sobriety. I guess the group grew and grew, but got in trouble when as a group, it started taking sides in various issues of the day - slavery, the temperance movement, etc. Getting involved in these causes took them away from their primary purpose, which was to get sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. The inner conflict, and also the involvement of outside influence (i.e. politicians) tore them apart.

I'm very grateful that AA learned from this. I'm grateful that when I go to meetings, the focus IS on sobriety - only on sobriety. Political issues or other causes are never discussed. Not even causes I consider "good." I remember the first time someone wanted to announce a fund raiser for breast cancer during the "announcements" of a meeting. It was discussed that any issues not related to AA were not appropriate for discussion in a meeting. I thought to myself "not even such a good cause as breast cancer??" But I can see where opening the door to some non-AA related things would be like pulling the thread on a sweater. So much strife and conflict is avoided, and we are able to keep our focus, but just sticking to AA and sobriety in our meetings.

One guy shared a story today that gave me great hope. He has really thrown himself into the AA program and steps this time around. He found himself in a very challenging situation last night. His thoughts (not surprisingly) reverted back briefly to the old way of dealing with difficulty - drink / drug. That thought left him and what he has learned in the program sort of took over. He ended up doing the right thing in multiple ways. His story today gave me hope that the effort put into this new way of life now will come to me when I face difficulty in the future. Someone pointed out that this is what is meant in the promises by "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." What a relief to know that the promises are coming true!

Hello to our vacationers and a happy sober day to all.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

jvo: I felt exactly as you did the first few times I went into meetings. In fact, when I go to new meetings, I still feel a little nervous. I generally like any meeting I go to, but there are certain "favorites" I have. Good luck. I haven't been here for a few days. My son & his kids are visiting & I'm involved in that. See you all soon. Mary