Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

[Doggygirl]

Hi fellow travelers!

Welcome to anyone and everyone who enjoys this thread whether you attend AA meetings or not. This is a great place to explore whatever topics arise and also ask any questions you might have about AA. It's sure made a difference in my life. I swore for many years I would NEVER go to AA (I was also swearing I was not an alcoholic, of course). It's been such a gift in my life. I love sharing about it with you all here on this thread.

Last weeks thread was great. I love the discussions about acceptance and I NEED the discussion from time to time about remembering my consequences. Carrot. Stick. Good to see you R2C and great that you are volunteering at the conference! I am still not as plugged in as I would like to be to District and Area type things. I believe an annual conference is coming up here in August (district? Area? Not sure!) and your post was a reminder for me to dig up some info! Cher, congratulations on your great weekend at the beach with friends. Great use of your tools despite the lack of cell service!

I am hoping we can talk a bit about sponsor relationships this week. I gather that some have sponsors and some not. When I first started going to AA the notion of a sponsor made me uncomfortable. Of course I voiced that to NOBODY. I kept hearing "get a sponsor, get a sponsor..." as I'm sure you have all heard too! So I did. I think I really didn't want anyone "telling me what to do" so I think I intentionally chose someone who ended up not being the right sponsor for me. That was my fault, not hers. And ultimately it was my responsibility to change it. I'm glad I made those mistakes and kept pursuing a sponsor. For me, having a sponsor has been my most in depth opportunity to learn the steps and work them on a personal level. And that is making a huge difference in my life. It has also been a positive learning experience in trust - something I'm not good at, especially with women. I've grown in that area as well.

I am very pleased and often humbled to be a sponsor myself. I can only pass on what I have. Unless I have a sponsor and work the steps with a sponsor, I really can't pass that on to someone else. The opportunity to share this program on a personal level with others is definitely a gift in my life.

It felt SO risky to engage with someone in that sponsor relationship. But in my drinking life I was not good at all at relationships. Problem? Drink. Something to celebrate? Drink. Mad at you? Drink. Misunderstanding? Drink. I am learning to handle so many of these things with a sponsor in a structured relationship.

Finding the RIGHT sponsor is key. Starting with an agreement of "temporary sponsorship" gives both of you the chance to see if it's going to work. Don't be afraid to change it if it's not working. Dealing maturely with changes such as that in relationships is part of the growth that I know I needed.

Anyway, those are a few thoughts. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts about choosing a sponsor, working with a sponsor, and/or sponsoring others.

DG

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Good Monday morning DG and all to come. About sponsors, I have had bad luck with that so far. Yesterday I approached a woman I have seen at the speaker meetings I attend about sponsorship. I asked her if she knew of anyone. Oddly enough, she is from out of the area and visits our town on the weekends and catchs this meeting when she can. So, I'm batting zero in the sponsorship arena. I'm guessing the time is not right and it will happen when it is supposed to.

Off to work for the day and either a meeting tonight or the gym...hopefully the meeting. I am really pushing myself this time around. Sobriety is not just happening on its own terms, I have to make it happen.

DG, I resonated with your post a while back about the helping at the homeless shelter. My thought is that I would really like to help with kitchen duties. I checked into it this weekend and one of the shelters only serves breakfast (I work) and most of the other meals come from donations from other organizations, such as churches and such. I will keep looking, surely some type of volunteer opportunity will arise.

Hope everyone to come has a great day!

R2C

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

As I sit here and "bite my nails" I've been lurking here at MWO for the past several months after a prolonged absence. I see that for myself there is no way to living anymore without sobriety. I'm not new to attempting moderation which never worked for me. I'm ready for a new beginning, middle, and end of my life. I've looked up AA in my area. I'm so very scared. Scared of who I might see, what will happen while I'm there. I've been blessed with a severe case of social anxiety which has plagued me for roughly 25 years. For me, it's very difficult in those types of situations. But from reading the thousands of books I've read on people that are sober for the rest of their lives, reading here at MWO, working your program on a daily basis seems to be the successful way to go. Commitment. Persistence. I want to grow into the person who I know is inside me but hasn't had the chance to come out.

Should I go to an AA meeting that is local? Should I find one far away? Thank you.

[Pride before Fall]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

J-vo, I’ve strugged with social anxiety also, and I truly think it was a big factor in how much I drank. I experienced panic attacks in business meetings in my late 20s (a real career booster, let me tell you). I feel like I have it under control with a mild SSRI and beta-blockers for those occasions where I'm in the spotlight (I’m 47 now). Ironically, I have a minor in theatre; I starting getting my butt out on the stage again in my 40s, but it's purely for therapeutic reasons and not at all because I enjoy it. I just want to get over being terrified, but every second is excruciating. I’m really curious to see performing feels without popping a few drinks first; will try it out in the fall.

Interestingly, the social anxiety seems to have lessened since I stopped drinking, despite having drunk to feel more comfortable around people. I think knowing I can trust my own behavior because I’m sober has a lot to do with that.

I also feel very private about my decision not to drink, and encourage you to find a meeting outside your social arena if it will make things easier. Good luck!

Pride

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Pride,
Thanks so much for your input. I completely understand about the panic and anxiety. Unfortunately, because of my type of anxiety, I have not been able to eat in the same lunchroom as my colleagues after 18 years. And ironically like you, I'm a teacher. I've had to give presenations to hundreds, but in those cases, I take something such as adivan to help me through those occasions. It's just the small situations that create panic and extreme blushing. I think I will feel more comfortable if I go outside the local community. I'll start looking around. Thanks so much for your input.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

jvo & pbf: I'm not sure if I have social anxiety but am very much an introvert. I thought alcohol helped w/that. I'm finding after a little over a year of sobriety that I'm much, much better off wo/anything to drink. The alcohol only worsened my situation. I was always distracted & trying to get more of my share of booze in social situations. Then, if I did get a good buzz on, I was afraid I was slurring &/or not making any sense. Now, I still get a little nervous, but I ride it out. Just going through the fears has decreased them & boosted my self-esteem.

Regarding AA: I was very, very nervous about going locally. Ironically, I'm a retired teacher & was afraid of seeing folks from my school etc. Well, I went anyway, because I was desperate for recovery. I had one very bad drunken experience that caused me to hit bottom w/drinking. What have I discovered?
-Yes, I see people from my life outside at meetings.
-Yes, I've even seen former students.
-Yes, I was very uptight & nervous.
-I examined my feelings & found that the uptightness was caused by my pride regarding my "image."
-Now, I still get a little nervous, but after the first time seeing someone I know from the "outside world," I get comfortable & feel a sense of serenity. I usually try to make a point of going up to that person after the meeting to talk.

Why am I going to meetings? It's to get well. Alcoholism isn't a crime, it's a disease. I trying to live a good life by going to AA. I'm not doing anything wrong.

DG: On the subject of sponsorship: I got a male sponsor when I first got into program. It worked for me to go through the steps for the first time w/him. He is & will always be a great friend. That said: I feel the need to have a female sponsor. I know exactly who I am going to call. I'd like to go through the steps again w/her. I've heard about 4th step groups who work on the 4th step together & am thinking about that too. There's another woman (my potential sponsor's best friend in program) who said she might want to work on the 4th together. We'll see, but I KNOW I need a sponsor. I cannot do this alone.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Welcome j-vo and Pride.

j-vo - I would suggest doing whatever makes you feel most comfortable to get to a meeting. I was very sensitive at first about seeing people I know from outside of AA. I can relate to the things Mary said about that. In addition:

1. They are there for the same reason I am.
2. The most important thing in the world for me is to stay sober. I can't do it alone so I go where the other people are who are "just like me" to get the support I need. (face to face)
3. I have been attending AA meetings almost daily for about 1.5 years now. The location where I attend meetings most often is right in the heart of my home town. I have seen many people I know and also run into AA people outside of AA at business functions. I have not have a single negative repurcussion of AA attendance. I would gladly stand up in front of the Chamber of Commerce and say that I attend AA meetings if that's what I had to do to keep my contented sobriety.

But I know that feeling - I felt that way too in the beginning. I hope you find when you go that it's not the big deal you imagine it to be!

Pride, do you go to AA?

There was a girl at the meeting I went to this morning who was at that meeting for the first time. She said she is really shy about talking, but happy to be there.

We read Dr. Bob's story in the Big Book. I am constantly amazed by the way this disease / affliction / whatever you like to call it causes the same exact thinking and problems today that it did 75 years ago. Dr. Bob described his behavior at an out of town business event. I tried to control my drinking in front of my business associates and then did a LOT more drinking back in my room just like he did. When I first got sober, I resented other people who CAN drink normally just like he did. I respect instruction about how to get sober from other people who are also alcoholics, just like him. I felt a huge sense of relief when I started working on my amends just like him. Amazing. Some things don't change, apparently.

Sponsee #2 has a CD of Bill W's speech about Dr. Bob right after he passed. She is going to loan it to me and I can't wait to give that a listen.

This group of women are really amazing. I got there a few minutes early today and I didn't realize they were having their home group business meeting. They provide baby sitting service at no charge to meeting attendees. They are "there" for the Mom's who are battling alcoholism. Even though they have people who are willing to do volunteer (unpaid) babysitting, they disccused the traditions about being self supporting, and about it being OK to pay others for service work. (other non-alcoholics) I found the conversation interesting in light of the traditions and it got me thinking about what it really means to be self supporting, including not taking advantage of others.

A close friend of sponsee #2 relapsed yesterday. It's a big responsibility to give my opinion when she asks what she should / should not do to support her friend without risking her own sobriety. I'm glad I have my own sponsor to talk to. The collective wisdom is so much better than any advice I could think up by myself.

DG

PS- Mary, how is Patty doing today?

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

I subscribe to a Daily message from Hazelden (the recovery people ). I really like todays message and thought I would share:

At 70, my dad is just like he was at 35 - only more so. It's frightening that the same thing could happen to me.
--Jerry Z.

More of the same gets more of the same. What we were given to practice, we practiced. What we practiced, we became. What we became, we are continuing to become - only more so - every day of our lives. We can do ourselves a favor by being aware of what we practice. Has the past taught us to withdraw? Think of how isolated we'll be twenty years from now! Have we practiced generalized distrust? Imagine how deep the roots of fear are growing.

But there's another side to that truth. If we practice finding beauty today, we'll find twice as much beauty tomorrow. If we work on forgiveness today, tomorrow we may be free of resentments. If we choose to relate rather than isolate, we can walk with friends through all the years that stretch before us. What will the future bring us? Whatever we have invested in it.

I pray for the wisdom to see my future as largely the work of my own hands and heart. I pray for the courage to take responsibility for choosing my own direction.

We read the section of the Big Book pertaining to Step 10 at yesterdays 12&12 meeting. I like the part of the reading that says that the proper use of our own will is to do God's will. This reading from Hazelden reminded me of that. The higher power I believe in wants us to see the beauty around us and the positive things around us. So a good use of my self will is to choose to see it. Does that make sense or do I sound like a nut??? (because I AM a nut!!! )

DG

[Rusty]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Doggygirl,

I don't usually post on this thread, but I am a fan of your posts (ok, I'll be your Fan Club President if you are nice and beg ;-) ) and this Daily message really hit home for me. It's like Mario's quote, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." "I pray for the wisdom to see my future as largely the work of my own hands and heart. I pray for the courage to take responsibility for choosing my own direction." Oh, how true. I have a friend who was in rehab. at Hazelden who is now a counselor there and she swears by it.

Thanks!!!

Rusty

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Mary and DG,
Thank you for your wise words. Mary, that's what it is. Pride regarding my image. But what kind of an image am I upholding being the way I am and doing the things I'm doing? Exactly. It's still scary, but as you said, it got easier over time.

DG, the people that go to the meetings you say are "just like me." There for the same reasons. You've got such a hold on everything, and are so extremely inspiring. I echo what Rusty says that I'm a fan of your posts. So many people here not just learning "how to" deal with this demon, but making peace with them, and finding the love and happiness in life. I've got such a long road ahead of me (hopefully a healthy one) and so much to learn. Thank you.

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

When I get the courage to go to an AA, whether it be local or a neighboring community, do I look for a sponsor at the meeting or call a local AA Chapter? Has anyone gone through many sponsors or found that one that worked for them right away? What is a "closed" meeting - does that mean you need to be signed up prior to attending? Thanks in advance.

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

j-vo - "Closed" means the meeting is for alcoholics or anyone with a desire to stop drinking. "Open" is open to anyone. Usually when a newcomer comes, the chair will ask if anyone is willing to be a temporary sponsor, and and they will give you a list of phone numbers and packet. If you want to call the local AA chapter, I have heard you can sometimes get someone go with you to your first meeting if you don't want to go alone. You can probably also get more information from them on groups in your area.

They have all been in your shoes, and understand a newcomer's trepidation. I have always felt welcomed in any meeting, whether it was my group or not. All are a little different, each group is a little different, but I've gotten something out of every one. If the first one is not to your liking, you might try a different group. where I am, even different meetings in the same group have their own dynamic (I am in a large city and have access to a very large group).

My first one, I was so scared. I have social phobia too. I imagined myself meeting DG and Mary from here instead of total strangers, and that helped me get out of the car & go inside. Everyone was wonderful. It is OK to just listen - no one will make you talk if you don't want to. I wondered what I'd been so afraid of.

[ready2change]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Well I decided on the meeting tonight instead of the gym. It was my first attendance with this group. The small room was packed! Lots of great success stories. The leader was an 80 yr old man! You never would have known. He has been sober for 25yrs! The love and support in those rooms are amazing. Complete strangers coming up to shake your hand or give you a hug. I definately want more of what they have, and I'm going to work hard to get it!

R2C

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hi everyone,
always the last to post cause of the time difference and work.. lots to catchup on in just one day.
J-vo, I went to my first meeting about 40 days ago so I'm still a newcomer. but what i especially like about all the meetings I've been to is how relaxed and accepting they all are. Yes, they all have their own feel to them but they are all so accepting and relaxed. Just show up!! its cool that all you have to do!! then you'll see.
re: sponsorship. I have my own questions about that. I have a sponsor but I'm questioning if she's right for me too. she is so laid back and is only telling me to go to meetings and call her when I want. I need to reach out to her more maybe?? I thought I would get more direction but maybe because I'm doing ok right now she isn't pushing? I really don't know. I am meeting with her tomorrow though so maybe that will help. I want to start "working the steps" but I don't really know what "working " them means.

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Dancelot,
Thank you for explaining those terms to me. So would I want to attend a "closed" meeting. The open meetings are for families of alcoholics?? I think after vacation I'll call the local chapter. Maybe they would know of someone that can be a good sponsor to a newcomer. Some people may have better communication skills than others in that area. And to know that the comfort at the meetings is present is such an important aspect. Thank you for your advice.

Ready to change - that's what I need: to hear success stories, and maybe I need them in person.

Cherbear, I like the idea of calling your local chapter for a sponsor. Maybe they have senior members who have excellent reputations for communicating with their sponsee. I think I'm going to lean towards that. I need that relaxed atmosphere. I think this may help with my social phobias! One step at a time!
I think "working them" means taking each step and applying it to daily life - working on one step at a time? Not sure.

Throughout my years here at MWO, when I began this journey of AF/modding/AF/modding... I'd begun buying several books from Amazon and Borders. I bought so many memoirs and non-fiction books regarding sobriety and alcoholism. I've got a whole library up in my attic! Well, I had bought one called the The Gifts of Sobriety by Barbara S. Cole. On the back it say it gives immediate meaning to the Big Book's promise: "We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." I tend to read this on vacation next week. Thankfully, we are going away with one other family who are non-drinkers! I plan to have a restful and healthy vacation.