Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

j-vo, I would suggest not worrying just yet about a sponsor. Once you get to a few meetings you will start getting a feel for people and start figuring out who you connect with. There is an old saying I hear a lot "around the tables" (at AA meetings) which is "Take it easy." I need to remind myself of that often - I can really over think things sometimes! Have a fabulous vacation - sounds like you have a good read lined up.

Cherbear, I think it's important that you tell your sponsor what you want to do. I too really wanted to get busy and work the steps. Some sponsees aren't really interested in getting to that work right away, so a sponsor might not know unless you tell her. I hope it goes well. But if it doesn't work out, don't be afraid of making a change either. Working through that as "grown ups" rather than petulant children is all part of the learning and growing process. (if it doesn't work out)

I really liked this reading today. I was not in alleys and prisons, but I had definitely become largely a prisoner in my own home. Just me and my bottle. I'm so grateful to have a life now and pursuing more meaningful things at least part of the time! Reaching out to others and engaging in life is wonderful.

Daily Reflections


. . .TO BE OF SERVICE

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God
and the people about us.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 77

It is clear that God's plan for me is expressed through love. God loved
me enough to take me from alleys and jails so that I could be made a
useful participant in His world. My response is to love all of His
children through service and by example. I ask God to help me imitate
His love for me through my love for others.

I think this goes along with what Sheri's exercise was speaking of yesterday too. (didn't have enough time to read and digest that thread!)

Anyway...zoom zoom. I'm giving a guy a ride to the meeting this morning. A little service work!

DG

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

j-vo - An open meeting is one where if we wanted to bring someone such as a family member or spouse. It's still mainly alcoholics, from what I can tell (people I see at closed meetings or who introduce themselves as alcoholics). All the speaker meetings I've been to are open meetings - these are where there is a designated speaker or speakers who tell their stories. These are great meetings too.

On the sponsorship topic - I don't have one, and am just getting my foot back in the water. Thank you guys here for keeping me in the AA loop. I'm "Take It Easy" personified sometimes! :H

I have started back with women's meetings. There are two great ones a week at my home group, and another one a member recommended to me that's not too far away. I went to another one in another part of town I loved - I just wish it wasn't at 6:30 so I have to drive 45 minutes to get there. Though thinking about it, I really liked that group, so I may have to reconsider. My car A/C seems to be working all the time again - it was 50/50 for awhile, and being in rush hour traffic when it's 103 out.....

Since I haven't been in a few months, I was given a new phone number list & packet - just like I described to j-vo! Is HP nudging me maybe?

I had some trepidation about going (but also really wanted to), since I realized this Monday meeting is 12 & 12, and they use whatever step or tradition corresponds to the month we're in. Step 8 - "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." OK, that's getting into the ones that scare me! Something I need to remember is, when I listen to a room full of other people, so many others had the same fear or are still procrastinating - until they went ahead and just did it. Several spoke of how freeing it was, and the old "what was I so afraid of?" Hearing people at different stages of sobriety, some fairly new, some with years, some going about it the first time, some who have done it again at later stages. We learn so much from each other. I like that I was able to share my fears and felt comfortable doing so. I am glad I went. Oh, yeah, and my name is on the birthday board for August!

To DG and other more experienced AA members - how did you pick a sponsor? Did you have a rapport with them first? Did you not know them, but like what they had to say and then approached them? Did you talk to lots of people on the phone list first? I realize this may apply to only to people in large cities, where there are more people, which is my situation. Do you think it would be helpful to just come out and say I'm looking, is anybody interested?

Hope everyone has a great day and I look forward to everyone's contributions! I need to look at Sheri's new thread too - it was so long already last night I couldn't absorb it either! :h

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hi all. Today was quite an AA day. It started off with one of those meetings that seems ethereal it was so raw and real. I love my home group and I learn something from every meeting I go to. But every once in awhile there is a meeting that is just over the top powerful for me and that happened this morning. (a blessing considering what came later today! I think I needed a super charge!)

The discussion was about resentments. The question we talked about was basically, is there ever anything done to us that is SO bad, SO horrible where we are basically OK (entitled?) to hang on to a resentment over it? Some people shared some very horrific things that had happened to them, and while it took a long time and was a difficult process, ultimately were able to forgive and let the resentment go and move on. I was left with a certainty that the only person I will ever harm by hanging onto a resentment - ANY resentment regardless of the cause - is ME. That was a very good lesson for me, made so real by the open and honest sharing.

This afternoon I got involved in a relapse situation. But for the grace of God there go I. The person refused medical help. Eventually we had to walk away. That was very, very difficult to do. I was so very grateful that I was not involved in this situation alone. There was another sober AA person with me, and we were able to get input from sponsors by phone. So when the time came to walk away, I felt like we got the best input possible and made the best decision possible, which I'm sure was better with multiple heads.

Mary, I thought of you and what a blessing it was that you DID go to the emergency room. That might have saved your life literally and figuratively. I wish this person today would have made that decision. Unfortunately, she was not quite drunk enough to be "taken" away by us or by emergency personnel. But certainly far far far from being sober enough to make a rational decision.

At the end of the day, she had to make a choice between us taking her to the hospital (after she signed the paperwork to send the 911 people packing), or us leaving. Us going to get her alcohol so she "would not have seizures" was not one of the options being offered. (the seizure risk was real, but that is also a manipulation tactic) She refused the help being offered, and we walked.

There is a saying in AA that I've heard many times but am now beginning to fully appreciate. It pertains to the 12th Step and carrying the message (help and hope) to other alcoholics. "Carry the message, not the mess." This is an instruction to not get sucked in too deep where 1) nobody ends up being helped and 2) I put my own sobriety at risk.

I was very grateful when I got word that her husband was finally home after work.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I hope and pray I never let pride get in the way of my sobriety. Sobriety is a gift for an alkie like me, and I'm going to hang onto it with both hands.

DG

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

There's so much information here about AA. I hope that by reading the Gift of Sobriety, it'll sort things out somewhat. So many terms used such as open, closed, home groups and the various types of meetings, women's groups, where to go, sponsors . . . Slightly overwhelming. But that's how any new job has seemed to me. I get overwhelmed and stress myself out. So DG, "take it easy" is a very good way to go. Maybe it's time to let some of my perfectionism (if that's possible) go and just learn a little at a time, go when I feel as though I have the courage, maybe call someone to go with me, and just go with it. And of course, come here to read and learn how this will help me.

DG, I've felt that for long periods of time, I was a prisoner in my own home. Actually, my husband brought it to my attention a few years ago. I would turn on the air if it was hot out, close all windows, blinds, and sit and drink. It's a very sad and lonely state to be in.

DG, your incident today was pretty sad. Wouldn't having a potential seizure without alcohol be medical reason enough for emergency services? Wow.

Dancelot, I'd love to go to the speaker meetings to just listen at first. I think this may inspire me a lot. I got another book out of the attic entitled Moments of Clarity by Christopher Kennedy Lawford in which many people tell their stories in a nutshell, but explain when that moment came for them in which they knew they had to change and couldn't go on. I read it awhile back, but it's back out on my nightstand!

Have a good night.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

DG: Everybody's bottom is different. Some peoples' are pretty low. Maybe mine was a high bottom, but I really don't think so. I was so passed/blacked out that there was no other alternative but to send me to the ER. I think of that night as the worst/best of my life, because it led me to sobriety.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Once again I suggest the book "Undrunk, a skeptics guide to AA" By A.J. Adams. It is great for those curious about the program.
Great posts by y'all this week, well, and every week for that matter.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hi again. Phil, you are right about "Undrunk." I read that quite awhile back at your suggestion and I really appreciated it. Quite a bit different in presentation than other autobiograpical accounts of recovery via AA.

To DG and other more experienced AA members - how did you pick a sponsor? Did you have a rapport with them first? Did you not know them, but like what they had to say and then approached them? Did you talk to lots of people on the phone list first? I realize this may apply to only to people in large cities, where there are more people, which is my situation. Do you think it would be helpful to just come out and say I'm looking, is anybody interested?

I picked my first sponsor in my conscious mind based on someone I thought I would like. (in a general way - not "like" as in "like the way they talk specifically about their AA program") Subconsciously, I believe I picked someone who would be a pushover for moi. That didn't work out.

Mean time, I wanted to continue working on the steps and I didn't have a woman in mind as a sponsor. There was a man (the one I refer to as Step Coach) who agreed to temporarily be my Step Coach (after meeting together with our spouses for their approval). When I got to a point of readiness for Step 5 (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs, for the benefit of anyone reading who may not know it off the top), Step Coach instructed me to find a woman to be the "other human being" for this part. Step 5 is a VERY important step to work, and it's also critically important that you do this with someone you absolutely trust. So I figured a Nun would be a good choice. She is very old school and when we got together (I told her that I had worked Step 4 with Step Coach) she said "you CAN'T have a MAN for a SPONSOR!!!!!!!" "*I* will be your sponsor!" And the rest is history.

Unless I was feeling really really shaky and just needed someone RIGHT NOW, I don't think I would announce that I was looking to a wide group in a meeting setting. I think I would look through private conversations. Asking people who you have come to respect who they think might make a good sponsor is something I would do. (I have been asked that question by both men AND women who are new and looking for sponsors.)

I would ALWAYS suggest making it a "Temporary Sponsor" agreement up front. That affords a perfect opportunity to BOTH agree that if either feels it's not working, it's nothing personal and you agree to part ways as sponsor / sponsee.

I tell my new sponsees UP FRONT that this is an important relationship in their sobriety, and if THEY feel for any reason it's not working for them, I will NOT be offended if they make a change. I need to be a bigger person than that.

I feel so strongly that having a good sponsor is a benefit to me. That's where the heart of the program is really passed one alcholic to another. However it can be such a tough decision.

Don't feel personally rejected if someone you decide to ask says "no." There are so many reasons why someone might not be able to sponsor that are just not personal. Sometimes people already have as many sponsees as they have time to give to. Sometimes people are just busy with life and family, etc. and are not in a good position to. I'm guessing it's very rare for a sponsor to turn someone down because "I don't like you" as the bottom line.

I learned after the first sponsor error that for me, I don't want a sponsor who is my best friend. I want my sponsor to be my teacher and my trusted advisor. Sometimes that relationship is easier when we are not "BFF's" in a more traditional "girlfriend" sense of it.

All that said, these are just my personal thoughts. I think this works out a bit different for everyone. I often over think things. The important thing is to work the steps with the guidance of an experienced person. Just do it.

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

j-vo, don't sweat all the foreign sounding lingo. You will be surprised how quickly you will find yourself spewing it, even if you swear you won't. :H

Take it easy!

DG

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hey all,

Great day! exercise, AA meeting, sunshine ...eventually
meeting with my sponsor.
DG ,.. thanks for the advise. We had a great meeting today. I think we just need to meet face to face alittle more. much more open that way than on the phone for me. I'm trying to get ready for the cruise I'm going on this weekend. Pary fest by most. NOT ME.. I am looking forward to seeing if there are many who show for the "friends of Bill W" meetings they have daily on the ship.
Today in our meeting we talked about service and what that means for us and it was a great meeting hearing all of what people think. Many said that they feel that just them being sober is fantastic service for the greater community. true that!!

have a good one my friends.

Oh and DG, I read the thread that talked about the book "one breath at a time" buddhism and the twelve steps. I ordered it at our library system and will look forward to reading that too! noted that you j ust recieved it. Sounds very interesting.

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

cpn, I wll be looking into the Undrunk by A.J. Adams. Thanks for that.

DG, good advice as far as sponsors go. I think I'm getting a feel now for how to approach this now. Do you think the time of someone's sobriety is an important factor as well when choosing a sponsor? How long?

If I get the courage, I'm going to go to a 6:00 meeting which is about 10 min. from my home in the community I grew up in. It said "Open Beginner's Discussion, How it Works." Again, if I get the courage! Friday night there is an "Open Speaker" not too far from that.

I had a dream last night that I started going to these meetings and as I would go from different meeting places, I saw people that I went to high school with. Then it turned into the format of college classes. It was a very strange dream!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

good luck Jvo. You're doing this for yourself. Mary

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Mary,
I feel liket he cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz when he says, "please, somebody talk me out of it!"

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Thanks for the advice on sponsors, DG! I'll keep your information in mind for sure.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Hi again everyone.

j-vo, I think there are a number of considerations (as I have droned on and on about!! ). Length of sobriety is something to consider along side other things. I think having worked the steps according to the Big Book (all 12) is more important than length of sobriety. My first sponsor was 5 years sober but I found out after the fact that she had only worked the first 3 steps. There is a saying that you can't share what you haven't got. You can't teach others something you have not done yourself. At least not convincingly to other alcoholics! :H I think you will know when the right one comes along. Many many more people have changed sponsors than those who have gone for a really long time (years) with only one. It's not like marriage. Don't take it lightly but don't over think it either. That's my opinion on it anyway.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

DG

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread - 8/2/10 - 8/8/10

Well, I DID IT! I went to a meeting. I was shaking on the drive to the place. As it was lightening and thundering, I was hoping I'd get hit by the lightening so I wouldn't have to go in! Then when I got there, there was a temptation pulling me to sit in the Dairy Queen and eat ice cream instead of going in. I thought that at least I would have been within 100 feet of the place and peek to see who was going in. Shame on me. But I wouldn't have been able to peek anyhow. It was behind one building. I drove down and there were several cars there. I drove passed where I saw people inside waiting and smoking and smoking. I parked and with quivvering knees, walked in. There were two gentlemen sitting at a table near the door. I was glad for that. I noticed that I couldn't see across the room from the fog smoke. He said, if you'd like to go next door, they'll have a meeting with non-smokers. He was very nice. Well, I do smoke a few here and there when I can hide them from my 12 year old son, but I thought I would gag on the heaviness of the smoke in one room. So he walked me over to where the others would gather. No one was there, so I waited. A guy came in and asked me "is it court ordered?" I had to stop and think, "what?" Oh, then I got it. No, I told him I'd come on my own and it was my first time. So I asked him, even though I knew what his answer would be. Nobody's gonna make me stop drinking. All I need is a signature here and that's it. That was the end of the conversation. About 8 people showed up. I started getting blotchy on my chest as I always do when I get nervous. Three young girls and two babies came in. One gentleman who was leading the meeting, and another who was celebrating 30 some years. Wow. And one more girl. Well, the leader asked us to read stuff, which I had a hard time concentrating on because of my nerves. It was my job to read the 12 traditions (I think it was that). I did it, but was more concerned about not stumbling over my words that i was comprehending what I was reading to the group. I made it through the reading. Whew! Glad that was over. The stories were very overwhelming and emotional. Three of three of the young girls had children taken from them because of their heroine uses, one was in jail her whole pregnancy and had her baby eight days after getting out. I cried through their talks. He came to me a few times and asked if I wanted to share, and I turned him down twice. The third times a charm. I spoke, cried, spoke, and cried more. I told them how I'd, for many years, embarrassed myself in front of friends, family, hurt my son, my husband, parents . . . It was very difficult to express that but it actually felt good afterwards. I feel as though I've prolonged this struggle for way to long in my life and I'm ready for big changes in small bites. I know there's so much to learn, but being a teacher, I love to take notes and learn! I want to find that serenity they talk about, the peace, I want that hole in my stomach to be filled with God's love. To me, it's going to be a long learning process that should take about the rest of my life, so I need to be patient and try not to overwhelm myself. I need to take another step which is getting back to church. I have that opportunity this Sunday morning. There's an open speaker which I may go to tomorrow night at 8:00. I don't know if I want to make this my "home" group because again, there was so much smoke, well, I don't know. But I got there, and I'm glad. Thanks to all of you for your help.

I see what you're saying DG about working the steps vs. years. Makes complete sense. Thank you.
cpn, I ordered "undrunk" this morning. Can't wait to get it.

Will be on vacation next week, so I'll have lots of reflecting and reading time. Goodnight.

p.s. I got a silver medal for one day, or was it first day?!