AF August - Week 2

[Stargazerlily]

AF August - Week 2

Thanks for all your support.

Sped, living in a male dominated household. I realize that they view things differently, don't even see things the way I do. So, they both knew they better pick up yesterday, and they did. I made a nice dinner after work and was thanked. Whew, I am glad my resentful, angry, hurt mood has abated to some extent.

Lav, I think men just take for granted all the stuff women do day in and day out. If I didn't work full time it would be different, but still, two grown men need to clean up after themselves! Lucky you, two new grandchildren!!

It was good to go to work yesterday, after I adjusted, I felt much better. It is always hard to go back after time off. It must be especially hard to be a teacher, with the whole summer off.

Chill, acceptance is the only way to go. I was just so tired and stressed, I temporarily lost my mind with really strong feelings. Good luck today on your meeting. Yes, men do try to intimidate with loud voices and cuss words. Stay strong sending waves of strength and wisdom your way.

Rusty, I agree that reacting calmly is the right thing to do, no matter what the situation. I have always been careful to be calm at work, otherwise I would appear unreasonable and irrational. Instead, I write things down and will present them at a later time if I think I would benefit from it. No, it was just a dream, I would never (I hope) lose my temper like that.

That being said, it is amazing what taking care of yourself does for your mood. Regular sleep, staying AF, fresh nonprocessed food, lots of water, and I feel myself again. I really thrive on routine.

Off to a conference today, so no work and I am looking forward to learning new things. I hope to be buying a used laptop soon, so if it comes in today, I will check in tonight, if I am able. Thanks all for being there for support. Back at you.

[dill]

AF August - Week 2

Good Morning friends,

Sooty, you sound like you are a force to be reckoned with once you decide to clean. I could use some of that energy in my world! I’ve been cleaning piece meal lately. Kind of just going at it one room at a time each day and hoping the general appearance stays acceptable.

Chill you are smart to have your thoughts down on paper. I have to do that too when something is really important/emotional. Make sure you don’t commit to anything while at the meeting and run things past your lawyer before you do. I know that sounds harsh, but it is just self defense.

Red I’m glad you are now feeling more calm and at peace. You were exhausted and rightfully hurt about being locked out, etc., so your reactions were understandable for sure. You are outnumbered in your household and it is really amazing how the balance being tipped like that can throw you off. It would me, too. All you can do is stick to your guns and not allow yourself to be put in the role or to assume for yourself the role of maid. It is so natural for us to do so without thinking because women tend to be natural caretakers and nurturers. Men have a different way of seeing things, but I know that Mr. D takes care of things I don’t even think of because different things matter to him. Does that make sense? Anyway, cleaning up is not a natural act for him but over the last few years, he has improved in this area. We have had a cleaning lady for many years now. Last week we had to let her go due to us being down to one income. Mr. D swears he will step up and do the maintenance cleaning along with me now.

Rusty, I am so glad you are repairing your friendships. That is wonderful. I wonder what I would do if the tables were turned and I was the friend who had to put up with a friends drunken behavior. I am certain that I would be able to forgive and move on, just like your friends have. Cherish those women. I’m sure you do.

Lav, it’s over 91 F here again today with chances of thunderstorms. I am feeling cabin fever in August! Mr. D and I are trying to come up with a day trip idea. All I know is whatever it is, it has to be in AC. One thought we had was to visit Ohio Caverns. It’s always cool in a cavern.

Sped, you have been on the road this summer more than you have been at home. I am curious if the wander lust is out of your system yet, or will it continue even after the school year begins. Will you be subbing this yea?. I also was wondering the other day, and maybe you’ve shared this already: why was Aug. 10 your for real quit date? Did some big event take place or was it just an accumulation of things that caused a tipping point for you? Please forgive me if I’m being too personal, and just ignore the question if you want to.

LBH, It is true that AF doesn’t bring instant “easing” or happiness, as you mentioned. But it does put us in a place where we can get somewhere at least. It is definitely a confidence booster, too. However, life goes on with all its downs and ups and plateaus. I’m reminded of the last line in the Desiderata:

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I’m smack in the middle of The Lilac Bus and find it a pleasant read. Thank you Redstar. I love that it takes place in Ireland. I imagine the speakers with thick Irish brogues. I am also reading the Upanishads as translated by Eknath Easwaran. The Upanishads are writings some 3000 years old that are the basis for India’s philosophies and faith.

Wishing peace and strength to all who may struggle today.

[Lavande]

AF August - Week 2

Good morning friends,

A power failure at 8:15 am?? What a way to start the day! Bless my generator

I slept great last night probably due to the exhausting mental gymnastics all day yesterday. Nothing happened to cause a resurgence of feelings.......it just happened. Maybe it's just a necessary step in the process of dealing with all this stuff, who knows? I'm feeling more solid this morning.

So, I hope to actually get some work done today - yesterday was pretty much a flop!
Chill, I'm thinking about you & hope you are well & strong. We'll all be with you today - in spirit!

OK everyone - have a good AF Thursday!
Lav

[spedteach]

AF August - Week 2

Good morning,
I embraced the heat and humidity this morning and actually ran 6 miles along the Wabash River. What a slug of a river, it barely moves (kind of like me). My last day here for a while. My son's staying home so we can hang out, go shopping for the apartment. He wants everything to match. Yuk, not my style, but also not my apartment.
Dill, I think the wanderlust is here to stay for a while. I plan to keep subbing in NM, just enough to maintain my status as a public school employee. I can't let 45 days go without working or I'm dropped from the substitute pool.
You asked about August 10th. Last year August 8th and 9th were terrible drinking days. I promised my oldest son that I would not drink when he and his fiance came to NM and I broke that promise big time. It wasn't my worst time drinking, but it happened at a time when I could say I'd had enough. I started taking antabuse religiously and will take it as long as I need to.
Teachers went back to work in NM today. How long do you have left?

Rusty, I know those kinds of friends you were talking about, that stick by you. I also know I am that kind of friend who can love another friend unconditionally. I have a friend in Michigan who is losing her battle with al. I will never stop being her friend, whether she's sober or not.
And yes let's hook up some time this fall/winter.

Lav, when are those grandbabies due? Just love babies. All babies. I should be a nanny.

Chill, financial stuff, I'm at a loss. My son just asked me to help him figure out his benefits package from the university. Health insurance, retirement options. I said "honey, you're asking the wrong person." That has always been my husband's domain. Unfortunately his only domain.
Good luck with your meeting with your ex.

Sooty, your weather sounds like northern California. Summertime in San Francisco can be downright chilly. Do you get snow?

LBH, hope to see you soon.

Later and love,
Sped

[Chillgirl]

AF August - Week 2

Hi Guys
Meeting with my ex was horrendous, finances are disasterous and my share is practically zero. Lawyers or no lawyers its not going to magically reappear and my ex has been fire fighting for the last 18 months. He has cut back on everything and left me till last, he has moved out his house as cant afford running costs and is trying to rent it.
I found it all too emotional and must have cried for a solid hour while he talked....:upset:
I really dont think he is being heartless, he is trying to juggle everything and do his best.

I dont know where I go from here and my head hurts too much to even think about it right now and I still cant stop crying. Its a good thing though, I almost never cry and this needs to come out. This is my biggest test with the AL, oh how nice it would be to escape how I feel and numb it for a while... this is the closest I have been to picking up a drink, but i wont, I really wont. You see this is a good thing too as it shows how far I've come and what I've learned....

Right now I feel so so sad and sorry for myself, I will allow myself to be miserable for a while but then I will bounce back and thats a promise

[Pride before Fall]

AF August - Week 2

Bleh, Chill. I feel sorry for both of you. Financial stress is so overpowering and takes up so much emotional bandwidth. I know "this too, shall pass" sounds lame right now, but you're obviously capable and intelligent and will find a healthy and meaningful way to support yourself. Good luck!

[spedteach]

AF August - Week 2

Gosh Chill,
Positive energy headed your way for what it's worth. You well know that this will pass but sometimes it just doesn't pass fast enough. I'm glad you trust your ex. Think how hard things would be to be fighting with him on top of your mutual financial woes.
Picking up a drink at this point would just heap regret on top of all the other s#*t.
Thinking of you.
sped

[dill]

AF August - Week 2

Chill, my thoughts are with you and I'm sending positive energy your way. Hang in there.

[Lavande]

AF August - Week 2

More positive thoughts for you Chill coming from me!
I'm envisioning similar difficulties myself down the road if things don't change......
I hope the collective support here helps at least a little

[papmom3]

AF August - Week 2

((((( CHILL )))))

I"m so sorry!! Please go out and take doggie for a walk and if you've already done that, do it again. Listen to your fav music, watch a DVD, anything. I totally get how great it would be to be numb right now but once the numbness wears off the problems are still there plus you'll feel like crap in all ways. At least with exercise or movies, music or a book, you won't feel like crap. I wish we could all fly over there and give you a great big hug.

:l :h Pam

[ladybirdheart]

AF August - Week 2

Hi, Chill. It sounds as though your husband tried to shelter you for as long as possible; he probably thought he could find a way to turn things around so you never had to be affected. It does not sound as though he is preserving his lifestyle at your expense and you both now know where you both now stand. I think back on when my own rugs have been pulled out from under my feet. I knew I had to ?act?, I had to ?take control?, but on one occasion the first day all I did was lay down flat on the bare ground outside; it sounds bizarre but I ?absorbed? something from it. We are a resilient band on our little thread, we do what needs to be done in order to move forward and we send you our understanding and strength. Love, Ladybird.

[Stargazerlily]

AF August - Week 2

Good morning all....

Chill, just as I suspected, investments gone bad, business gone south, and the reality is frightening. It was so good you could cry, crying is such a release. It takes time to get used to a new reality and make plans. I know when my husband lost his job two years ago, it took time to sink in, and it took planning and sacrifice to keep our heads above water. You will get there. You are so wise recommitting to your AF state, drinking would take away the pain for a short time, but when you come to, all the problems will still be there with new ones added. Grief and loss, which you are going through, takes time. I think people think of grief as only when someone dies, but in reality it can be any loss. Be gentle with yourself and know we are here to support you. I know that I had to ask others for support two years ago, it was necessary to deal with my feelings. Hope you have a good friend there to be with you.

Dill, throughful post. YOu are reading two such opposite books, Lilac Bus is such an easy read and the other sounds deep. How is your husband doing with not working, or am I not understanding? I wish I had someone to heavy clean, it must be hard giving that up. Do you start back to school next week? The schools start next week in my area.

Sped, hope your son's place is put together soon with the help of his wonderful mother. It is so hot and humid, hard to be outside. I was in NM recently and it was hotter than he** there too. I am ready for fall. It was interesting that you became AF, took Antabuse, and just had it with alcohol. I know that AF, marriage issues come alive, not drowned in booze. There is a great book I need to reread, The Four Seasons of Marriage, that helped me in the past. You might find it interesting, or not. I will have to get it out of the library to refresh my memory, but it talks about the winter of marriage, not a good place to be. It also discusses positive action to take to renew the marriage. It takes alot of work and desire. Just like anything else in life, marriage realtionships change all the time. It is hard work, marriage, and all relationships, really. I guess I am reflecting more on myself and my marriage at this time.

I have a busy day, work, hair appointment and starting to look for a dress for my daughter's wedding. I feel so fat. (I know, no one wants to hear that, but there it is). I had lost the weight from my vacation, but after the cross country fast food trip, gained it all back. It is too hot for me to exercise currently. My daughter is starting to get anxiety about the wedding, with all the planning and stuff. Not regarding her future husband. I wish we lived closer so I could be around more. I am getting some concerns too, like finding a dress. So the search begins this afternoon. Wish me luck.

I commit to being AF with all of you on this thread. We are going through life challenges, and continuing our AF journey, we are able to make good decisions and engage in life wholeheartedly, being true to ourselves and others.

[spedteach]

AF August - Week 2

Hey all,
Just thought I give myself a little send off here before I hit the road. Plus need to fortify myself with coffee. I am determined to make this a 2 and a half day trip as opposed to a 12 to 13 hour a day 2 day trip. Once I get in my little car, I feel rather (forgive the pun) driven. Want to slow down and make this a relaxing trip.
My oldest son and fiance will be in NM when I get back. They will be in Santa Fe at a biochemistry conference. So many interesting "coincidences". Last time I left Indiana for NM, only about a month ago, they were in NM for wedding planning. Also there is the dreaded August 10th anniversary that just passed involving, guess who? Me, my oldest son and his fiance. Let me just say that combination of August, NM, me, my son and his fiance makes me anxious.
Thank god I love driving, have plenty of books on tape and a well stocked cooler. And my car's air conditioning works last time I checked.

Chill, hope you are feeling better.

Star, we'll have to get some PM's going and compare wedding planning notes. My son's is October 2nd.

Love the way we support one another. Will check in tonight from some random but luxurious motel in Kansas, Iowa, Oklahoma, somewhere west of here.

[Rusty]

AF August - Week 2

Happy Friday the 13th August Friends,

I have been up for over an hour and have already taken the dog out for his morning walk. It is humid here and whilst walking doggie in my nightgown, I was stung by about 15 mosquitoes and it wasn't even 5:00 a.m.

Chill-I admire your courage during this horrific time in your life. To handle all that you have on your plate and you're doing it AF, you have a lot to be proud of. I'm praying that you find strength in this journey to find a resolution to the whole financial mess. I'm with Papmom, I wish we could all fly over there and give you hugs:l

Sped-I know how you feel about those "anniversary" dates. I have one as well and I cringe every time I think about it. It makes me feel anxious, too. Ugh. Those memories never go away, do they? At least not for me they don't. Safe cross-country journey. Good thing you like driving. Yesterday I wrote a long post and again, I lost it. I was thinking about you running along the Wabash River. I go to Wabash, IN every year on business and Indy as well. Not my favorite places to visit but the people are nice, for the most part. Unless, that is, you go to Knox, IN, which is the home of the KKK. I about keeled over when I was there the last time and I saw a guy with no teeth driving a pick-up truck with a gun rack in the back and a rebel flag in the window. I felt like I was back in time about 50 years.

Star-your words to Chill hit home for me: You are so wise recommitting to your AF state, drinking would take away the pain for a short time, but when you come to, all the problems will still be there with new ones added. Grief and loss, which you are going through, takes time. I think people think of grief as only when someone dies, but in reality it can be any loss My drinking really started after the losses of my best friend, and my brother, and my father, and the break-up of a long-term relationship. I was stupid....a psychiatrist at the time recommended grief therapy for me. Of course I thought I could handle it all by myself. Yeah, right. If you count jumping into a bottle "handling" it. AL just made all my sadness even worse. Star and Chill-just know there is a woman in Wisconsin who admires you both so much!

Dill-oh yes, I cherish my two closest friends who didn't desert me. They said the reason why was their love for me and the fact that during some very difficult times in their lives, I have stuck by them. Dill- are you anxious to get back to school? It's next week...isn't it?

Lav-you really are holding up well regarding the situation with Mr. Lav. I have forgotten-when can we expect the two new grandchildren-the Lavandekins?

A warm hello to Ladybird, Rustop, Sooty, Papmon, Pride and Paguy, I hope you all have a wonderful AF Friday the 13th!

Rusty

[Lavande]

AF August - Week 2

Morning all!

I was in the middle of post when my laptop decided, without warning, to shut down & install updates - grrr - must be a male!

Rusty, Lavandekins! Love it
My daughter is due with her first baby in February. My DIL, is nervously due with her 2nd in April. She had a miscarriage in May you may remember. I am thrilled for both of them!! At the same time I am very sad re the dysfunctional grandfather..........he always finds a way to pee on my parade & I've told him so. He should be here enjoying these wonderful gifts instead of living out his drama in his little hovel.

I wanted so badly to see the meteor shower last night but the cloudy skies prevented that........boo hoo.
I'm hoping it clears up enough by tonight so maybe I can get a glimpse.

Sending safe travel thought to Shelley. You are such a road warrior, I'm just the opposite. I hope some day you can swing by here & I'll join you on a tour of the eastern seaboard

Chill, sending you love & strength as well. So many changes going on with all of us - so glad we have each other to lean on!

Red(Star), happy dress shopping. Now that's an activity I no longer care for myself.

Greetings to LBH, Rustop, Sooty, Papmom, Dill Pride & Paguy.

What wonderful things can we expect on this Friday the 13th??????
We shall see........

Lav