ambivalence

[bear73]

hello all - yes it's definitely my middle name at the moment!
I feel much better physically and depression wise af - I drink 4 when i drink on a saturday (BUT my goal is 2).

I am then not be remotely tempted until i am next in social situation with booze -
it's a confidence crutch for me. I almost think putting so much effort into not drinking stops me from really focusing on building self esteem.

I am feeling awful from smoking - i think they way i drink smoking will kill me first.
I am going to trial for a month modding - and be really honest with myself - no BS.
I am trying to lose weight/stop smoking/build confidence/not drink= too much.

I really don't know what to do - but that is looking best option at moment.
Is it ok to post on af daily on my af days (I won't talk about modding at all) or should I go to long term modding?

I find this thread more inspiring to be honest - but am happy to go wherever is best(I can always read).

Thank you so much for your support/ass kicking/thought provoking/inspiring posts.
You all rock.

[momof3]

ambivalence

Hi Bear,

I wish you all the best on your decision.

Personally, I would prefer that you not post on monthly abs if you are moderating. I think it takes away from the intention and strength of this thread. My two cents.:h

[greeneyes]

ambivalence

bear...:l I read back over your posts and would have quoted some but couldn't figure out how to do it. Last year at this time you went AF and made it 3 months! When you did drink (around Thanksgiving?) you saw you craved it, had a problem with it, and were much happier AF. I've also seen you drop out of AF with the intent of successful modding, then go back to AF when you go overboard. What I think I see is that you have trouble wrapping your head around the "never" again part of being AF. Perhaps that keeps you from the 100% commitment. Maybe ODAT would be a good thread for you? I agree with m3. There is a monthly abstinance and a monthly moderation thread. Based on your true intent you areeither one or the other, but you just can't be both. :l

[bear73]

ambivalence

Thanks there both of you - ODAT I think that's under general discussion?
Totally accept what you're both saying about sticking to other threads - and appreciate your honesty and I will do that.

Greenie - it is the forever bit that totally freaks me out - I am gonna re-read my posts as I do know that I feel better af - therefore makes me feel that I should quit - even tho am not drinking at dangerous levels when I do lapse (yet) - it's enough to make me feel not as good as I do af.

That in itself is also enough to make me think it's a problem - why would you choose not to feel at your optimum unless you're out of control?aaaaaarghh - need to make decision stick to it - try it and see.

[Marshy]

ambivalence

Bear - have you ever used drink tracker? Useful for keeping a record and seeing how you've done over time and if you're sticking to your limits.

[Gaia]

ambivalence

Bear,

It's good you are thinking about your goals and trying to be realistic. And I wish you the best of success in your attempts to mod. As you say:

"I feel much better physically and depression wise af - I drink 4 when i drink on a saturday (BUT my goal is 2)."

So if your goal is 2, your goal is to mod not go AF, right?

I think the suggestion that you look into the ODAT thread is a good one - that way each day you are joining a like-minded group, and making an individual decision each day, rather than a life-long one I have made.

Again, Bear, I hope you achieve your goals.

Hugs to you,
T.

[Doggygirl]

ambivalence

Bear, I wish you the very best as you continue to sort out your goals on this journey!

This line in your post stood out for me..

it's a confidence crutch for me. I almost think putting so much effort into not drinking stops me from really focusing on building self esteem.

I can't speak for you...only for myself. If my brain were to start trying to convince me that drinking would take the "pressure off" of so I could REALLY focus on my self-esteem, my bullshit meter would be so loud you could hear it on your side of the ocean.

Bottom line is that I think we all have to want to be sober MORE than we want to drink to have a shot at sobriety. It's not unusual to have thoughts of wanting to drink. In fact, that's really what comes naturally for us. It is more unnatural to NOT have a thought to drink, and that's why we celebrate it so much!!! Ultimately you have to decide which is what you are doing - and I certainly respect that.

DG