AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

[bear73]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

sleepy sleep sleep needed - very tired, hard day at work, not much talking at home, nice big takeaway burrito for dinner and chocolate bar.bed soon I think then ready for af weekend away.
My plan is if need be just go back to hotel.feeling anxious but know it will pass - just one of those days no real reason.won't be able to post after tomorrow but will check in on phone each day, night night.

[momof3]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Bear, Are you feeling anxious about the weekend?

[papmom3]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Back from the beach and agility class. Great day!! Perfect weather!!Koby absolutely LOVED the beach and the water. It was so liberating to be able to walk up and down the sand watching my doggie running ahead, coming back, circliing around, running into the water, dodging the waves, and have no worries that he would take off and I would lose him. Could never do that with the other two. Might have to move to the north shore of MA!!
We set up a shade tent and just read and listened to the waves and people and dog watched in between walks. Heaven. Unfortunately DD decided that the tent and all that was in it, especially me was territory and he lunged and snarled at everyone who came near or looked in our direction. One idiot woman come right up to him after he had been barking at her for 5 minutes. She knew enough not to pat him on his head but just put the back of her hand to his nose. He snapped at her. She just laughed and walked away. wierd. Guess we still have some work to do in the reactive category. Damn-more money required.

Pride-didn't get into Rockport-stayed at Good Harbor but did manage an ice cream cone at Ro's (?) in Gloucester before we headed home. Yummm.

Well, vacation is pretty much over :upset:. Tomorrow is supposed to be hot and muggy so don't know how much I'll get done with the shed. BGTP need donning I think.

Hope everyone had a great day. See you all tomorrow!!

:l

[Determinator]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Uni, great to see you here and AF to boot! awesome. Hope the legal woes aren't too bad.

well great news....I'm home already! short trip afterall. yeah!!!!! happy happy happy

[LVT25]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Hello friends,

I'm going to warn you right up front, this is a rant from me, it's all about me I've had a really rotten night. So please disregard if you feel so inclined.

I don't even know where to start, of course most of you know I've been living with my still drinking husband since I quit myself 2 years ago. I've done quite well I might add, but at times I get really tired of the bullshit. I don't dare say anything about his drinking to him. He is a grown up man and will do as he by God pleases that is for sure. Especially when he is drinking.

Once again this evening he comes in after 8 pm slurring and being his drunk self. Irritating, yes, but I'm used to it and most often just let him do the talking and ignore him knowing he will eat, shower, mess with the boys, go to bed. But tonight was one of those nights when he had to pick a fight, or blame someone for something. It happened to be my youngest son. You see I have a big birthday coming up next month. DH (I might have to borrow the term FH if you don't mind Greeneyes) has been hinting around about getting me a new refrigerator for weeks now. Last evening he was going on about what color should he get and there was a nice white one downtown for cheap, blah blah drunken blah. So tonight he and #2 son were talking about football, etc and then pretty soon I heard him give him hell about something. Then he comes in the room and tells me that son said he told me he was getting me a refrigerator. I said he didn't, but of course he didn''t listen and just kept going on about it and making my son feel bad. Then he turned real dickish and pissy trying to get me to tell him what color to get. I said purple. Tried to just get him to drop it. Anyway it ended up with me telling him to just forget about my birthday and he said he would. I was in tears because frankly I am so tired of his personality change when he drinks too much. I'm tired of the effort it takes to put up with his shit. I'm said he's already ruined my birthday which is still a month away not to mention our anniversary which is Sunday.
A little while later, after his shower and while he is eating the meal I prepared 3 hours ago he thanks me for the meal. I ignore him. He asks me what is wrong, why am I mad at him. I tell him nothing I know better than to say anything when he is this way it just always turns into a fight and I tell him we can't talk. Of course finally he pushes me to tell him not only the shitty way he acted about the whole refrigerator deal, when I mention that whenever he comes inside after being out side drinking too much he has to pick a fight or blame someone for something. One of the boys is always in trouble. Of course that does it, he starts to walk off. I say, see, this is why I don;t say anything you don;t want to hear it. He sits right behind me on the couch and is really acting like a jerk, " that really bothers you doesn;t it?" Yes it does, is that so wrong? Why are you so defensive about it? He keeps saying that's what really bothers you that really bothers you doesn;t it? I said I was done talking, because talking did no good. He wanted to know was I done with him? He stomped off mumbling something about not needing a refrigerator or anything, I said that's right.
So, it's out there. Now what? Will it be cold and uncomfortable for a day or two and then life goes on as usual. This is how it has always been in the past. But this is the first time since I quit drinking that I actually said the words about how it does bother me when he drinks enough that it changes his personality. That is what I said, I have nothing to feel bad about. What a fucking mess. I knew when we got together I could never try to change him and that I would have to live with the drinking, and I did, it was much easier when I was drinking too. Even though we had some doozy fights then too.
/>So, I'm pretty sad. I was doing pretty good just minding my own business, doing what I wanted to do and being there for the boys. I've been pretty patient when he drinks, I may be a little grumpy, but trust me I feel more than grumpy at times. Sometimes I want to just run away.

I'm sad because his personality has changed. When he is his old self I love him so much i could burst, but then he gets on his negative, downer, attitude and its miserable. So I guess maybe he drinks to get happy, and sometimes that just backfires. I feel bad for the boys. They don't seem to mind, but how can they not.

This may very well be like many of the other fights we have had in the past. He won't even remember what was said, and I will have lost sleep over nothing. I hate feeling sorry for myself I really do. And I'm not looking for sympathy here, or advice for that matter. Just a need to vent since I don't really even have anyone to talk to about it. Jeez I hate to go back to counseling, if I had taken her advice I would have handled the whole situation much differently.

To anyone that made it through this post, thanks for listening.

[bear73]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

sorry mom of three - just seen this - no idea what's causing it - don't feel anxious - tho maybe part of me feels everyone else will be part of a club i'm not.
meeting old friend there and historically other friend there always used to vie for attention

[greeneyes]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

M3, I gave up on it. I know a few other people who felt the same way and a few that are happy with the results.

LVT, phew! I'm wondering.... if you knew when you got together that you would have to live with his drinking and could not change him and you want to stay in the marriage, what is the counseling for?

bear, remember you are choosing to not be a member of that club. don't let this ring your high school memory bell, OK?

the queen has spoken :H

[Guitarista]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Ah LVT, i hear ya. That sounds so bloody frustrating.

Well, time to hit the hay over here, so take care everyone, and catch you later.

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Melatonin is horrid for me (bad dreams, doesn't help me sleep) but Valerian root really does the trick.

LVT...:l I dont' get "selfish" from your post. You are a woman with a problem on your hands. I was holding my breath through the description of his personality changes. I didn't always get mean and nasty when I drank. In the early years that didn't happen so much (occassionally, but not all the time). In the later years, I almost always got mean and nasty when I drank. Of course, I blamed others. If they would just stop "it" (whatever "it" was I thought they were doing "to" me), then I could just drink and have fun.

I believe that mean part is something that comes as this disease progresses, even for people who weren't always "mean drunks." You can't control him, but you can control you. It sounds like you have to decide how much drunken BS you are willing to tolerate and for your kids to tolerate. I know this isn't easy. But two drunk parents would not be a good thing.

I think you have done a great job all this time keeping quiet while he is drunk. There is no point in trying to have a meaningful discussion that he won't remember. I hope he is willing to talk to you today or this weekend about his drinking problem.

:l

P3 - your day at the beach sounds heavenly. People really don't understand dogs when they walk up and try to touch or stare at a dog they don't know. I've gotten very OK with proactively saying "he's not friendly" as they approach.

Well, can't wait to catch up with everyone later but I need to get a move on. Blood tests for upcoming annual doc visit and then leads group, AA, Curves, and back home to see what destruction is going on. (it finally starts today)

No time or room for getting drunk, that is for sure. And if I took one sip, I would keep on going until I was very drunk. I accept that today, and that is why one thing is for sure...there will be no AL for me today.

DG

[papmom3]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

Just a quick Hi and replies before I move onto the Friday thread.

LVT-:h :l :h . That is all.

DG-I REALLY REALLY need to practice saying that. It's just that I've worked so hard to get him to trust people that I'm not always congnizant about what is actually happening. I just want to believe the best I guess. I may have owned dogs for 7 years and done a lot of research and training with DD but I am still quite the newbie and still don't read people and dogs the way I should. I'm going to keep this incident front and center in my mind because it shocked the hell out of me and my friend-neither one of us expected him to actually snap at someone who was approaching calmly and correctly (except of course for the fact that he was barking and doing resource guarding!). Sigh.

[Gaia]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

(((((LV)))))))))

Gentle hugs, my girl!

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily Thursday Sep 23

P3, I used to think my dog's temperament was a reflection of me. If my dog acted unfriendly, I thought it was a reflection of my bad training, etc.

I have really enjoyed being on the side lines of Mr. Doggy's Schutzhund training. The trainer he works with is very wise in the ways of dogs and really studies their genetics and history, and how they evolved in the wild. They haven't been "domesticated" very long, and the instincts that they survived on for centuries are alive and well.

He says that the typical dog's temperament is 75% genetics and 25% environment. You can influence 25%, but the other 75% is what it is. A dog that is either naturally fearful, or naturally not inclined to like everyone cannot be turned into a "love everyone" laid back dog through your training.

I still must be responsible for my dog, but with a couple of ours, "he's not friendly" so that people don't even approach is the right way to handle things. It sounds like that might be true for DD as well. It sounds like you have done a lot of work with DD to bring out his very best. His best might not be perfect, but he's sure lucky to have you!

Just my 2 cents on the matter...

DG