Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Thanks DG, I'm so happy we got to meet in San Antonio. 2010 has been a great year to be sober.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Phil & DG: As much as I love MWO, I needed AA to stay sober. That said: I come here to MWO w/a sense of anticipation every day. I love what I read here even though this is the only thread I now go to. Yes, if you had told me a year ago that I would have to experience my father's death & my daughter's awful diagnosis, I would have been amazed & doubtful that I could withstand it all. But, I have prevailed & am very thankful. My daughter, Patty, is going on in her life wounded but not defeated. I see now that people don't have to drink through crises. There's another, better way. Yes, feeling all the feelings & getting beyond.

I'm going to my favorite intimate discussion meeting tonight. I so look forward to it. There's just no substitute for the sincerity & emotion found there.

Love, Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

cpn1004;971921 wrote: Thanks DG, I'm so happy we got to meet in San Antonio. 2010 has been a great year to be sober.

Me too Phil! There is nothing like a big ol' in person hug. :l I was just thinking how I love to share here what are to me, some of the best moments in meetings. It is so difficult for me to translate a multi-dimensional experience that includes the written word (usually - i.e. readings and/or the Big Book), verbal discussion, facial expressions, real time dialog into just written word here. It loses impact I think.

Mary, I benefit so much from AA in addition to MWO as well. I was able to get a start on sobriety with the MWO program, but I couldn't shake the underlying fear until I got going on the AA program. And of course I have gotten so much more out of AA than "fear reduction." What a blessing.

Today we read the section in the Big Book in the "How it Works" chapter about Steps 6 through 9. A lot of meat packed into a few pages. When we went around the table, most people chose to share about the amends process. What came to mind for me today was how I used to "keep score." No matter what I did that was wrong, I would always find a way (even if I had to exaggerate and make stuff up) where you were MORE wrong. Therefore, my wrong behavior was always justified in my mind. That kept me in a cycle of constant self righteous nonsense, and the wrong behaviors continued which of course, sucked at my soul.

One of the things I have learned in AA is to look at my own behavior, period. Was MY behavior appropriate REGARDLESS of what the other person said or did? (real or imagined :H) I am learning to take responsibility for what I CAN control - my behavior. No matter what other people say and do, I am trying my best to do the next right thing. That way I can sleep at night and start to respect myself again. My self loathing did not come from what other people were saying/doing/thinking. It came from what *I* was saying/doing/thinking.

Getting the thinking right is still a huge challenge. But at least I see the importance of saying/doing/thinking the right things. It seems if I DO the right thing often enough, the thinking starts to follow. (i.e. giving people rides even when I don't feel like it, calling another alcoholic or picking up someones call even when i don't feel like it, doing the right thing as a wife and business partner even when i don't feel like it, etc.) Some right behaviors are becoming second nature, so I don't have to fight the wrong thinking in order to just do it.

Mary, I also thought of you as I was talking to one of my friends after the meeting. We were talking about motive and really questioning ourselves in certain situations to make sure we are doing things for the right reasons. It's easy to slip into fear, pride, etc.

Anyway...that's my attempt to share what I got out of the meeting today!

Yesterday was great with the Touch Chicks. It always is. I am learning so many new angles on Steps 2 & 3. I am liking the materials (Women's Way Through the Twelve Steps) and the all female environment. Never thought I'd say THAT.

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

A relapse story....

Forgot to mention this in my previous post. There was a guy in the meeting today who is recently back from bing "out there" for almost 2-years. It wasn't his FIRST meeting back, but he hasn't been back long - this is the first I've met him. Prior to relapse, he was sober for 4-years. Here is what happened. Sound familiar?

* Life got better when he got sober and took the steps. He got his wife and kids back, his job situation greatly improved. He was happy.
* He took his sobriety for granted. Meeting attendance trailed off until it was nil. Stopped connecting with others in the program.
* Drank. Lost what ground he had gained with family and employment. Lost more. (i.e. drivers license).

He says he can't believe he threw away the happiness he felt when he was sober and worked the steps. He says that on one hand, it feels like he "didn't know WHY he drank." But he says in retrospect, he figures he started subconsciously planning to drink when he started cutting back on meetings and participation. Cunning, baffling, powerful. I told him I was sad for what happened to him, but grateful that he shared. I can't hear it too many times. I DO NOT want to go back to that horrid, lonely, dark place I came from.

Once again, that's the common theme we all hear about relapse. If you ever suspect I am cutting back on meetings and other sobriety participation (here and AA), somebody please smack me.

DG

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Hi, everyone -

I went to my usual Saturday women's meeting today. The topic was "growth." Interesting the different perspectives. One person pointed out how it is as individual as each person is. Also how it is ongoing. Always. Someone described trying in vain to explain to a non AA who asked if she still went to "those meetings," and how they really don't get it. Even more they don't get that it's something we actually look forward to doing! It reminds me of myself when I was first AF - I won! As I went on, I realized there was still a lot of work to do, as far as how I deal with life.


They did not make it all the way around the room, so the chair asked that after the meeting that everyone who did get to share to go up to a person who didn't get to and ask them what they would have shared. That was different, and made me have to think about and verbalize it!


My thoughts - Today and yesterday I have bad allergies that are causing me to cough, and thought maybe I should stay home. I decided to go and just listen (and sit at the back and away from others so I wasn't coughing right near them). That's growth - not making excuses - I also really hate to miss this meeting.


Being able to utilize what I learn at AA in everyday life when problems arise - dealing with situations differently, such as taking responsibility for my part in not fanning the flames in an argument for example, but also being able to stand up for myself in a non confrontational way. As I make an effort to do so, I find it becomes more natural. I am learning to pause first, instead of automatically reacting.


Learning to look back on the day and see the progress (positives) that I may not have noticed, instead of everything that didn't go right or what I didn't get done. One person said when she telling her sponsor all the things that had gone wrong with her day, her sponsor replied, "but did you drink?" The fact she hadn't was definitely growth, she realized.


To me, growth is often in very small increments, and sometimes not noticeable until a month or months later. I was told others outside us often do see it before we do. She said that is where sponsors can be helpful. I can see that. I know if I'd had a sponsor way back, I could probably dealt with and resolved issues easier (live and learn).



Making an effort to get to know others better, staying after and talking to others, and if no one comes up to me, going up to someone, is growth. Accepting my (dis)comfort level, while still pushing it in increments I can handle, instead of letting it paralyze me, is growth. Knowing it's nothing to be ashamed of if I am still somewhat fearful or if I don't progress in the program at the same rate as someone else. Learning to allow myself to trust, and taking a chance by opening up. Learning that even if I receive recrimination, I still have a right to express myself - though I learned this by the unconditional acceptance I found at AA. I am talking about in other situations outside of AA. Seeing these ladies as real friends, not just acquaintances or faces I see, is growth.


Hope everyone is having a great weekend!


DG - I started this before your last post on relapse. It seems many people who relapse did take their sobriety for granted, one way or another. Either feeling they were "fixed," since it wasn't such a constant of having to think about it like it is at first, or that maybe they could "handle it" now since they'd obviously handled staying sober, sometimes for many years. I appreciate the thread on sober vacations - this is one place even many long terms think it will somehow "not hurt" to have "just one" - like we've ever had just one! Cunning, baffling, and powerful indeed!

That's in addition to the "f*** it" impulse. One time an older man who has a lot of health problems had come back from a not uplifting visit to the doctor, walked by his wife making Christmas cookies, and had an impulse to chug a big bottle of vanilla extract when she wasn't looking. He also had done the vacation thing after 7 years of sobriety, and it took him as many to come back - he has over 20 currently. Today there was a woman who came very close to "f*** it" over a stressful week that would try anyone - fortunately she made it past that. She has a history of getting a month or a few months, then relapsing. Seeing and hearing it in person always hits home. It can be unnerving, but this is something I need to see as a reality check, even when I don't think I need to.

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Good morning all
There are some fabulous posts on here but I have company so I cant stay on the computer for long. I look forward to reading them tomorrow when I am at work.

But very quickly..I went to a meeting last friday and a 83 year old lady did the main share. She is just amazing!! Over 30 years sobriety but will still get the odd days when she misses the buzz from alcohol.

It's a life time commitment eh guys! Have a lovely sunday. It's pouring down with rain so I need to find something to keep my son happy indoors.

At least I can deal with this day with clarity. I am grateful to be SOBER!! Hallilujah.

Have a lovely sunday DG, Phil, Mary, Dance and anyone else who posts today. I couldnt do this journey without your help.x

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Morning all,

I need some advice as i just dont know what to do. I had a falloutwith the BF yesterday in which he decided to drink on it. He went to the pub and came back drunk.I was subjected to four hours of mental abuse till he finally vomited and went to bed.

This is the second time he has done this in four months. I have asked him not to get in that state in my company. Someone from AA told me that relationships cannot work when one partner is still drinking and the other is not.
I feel like ending it. i feel really sad at the moment. x

[Rusty]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Hi Rebirth,

I don't usually post on this site as I am not an AA member, but I learn a lot from this thread and would like to throw in my two cents. I had a relationship once with a guy who sounds a lot like your BF. It was a disaster. Even though he admitted after we broke up that he was an alcoholic, he took no responsibility for his actions. I was heartbroken over our break-up (his decision) but now I can see that it really was a blessing. His drinking has caused him to age and when we were dating, he was happy and fun to be around, and now he is miserable. I'd get out of that relationship ASAP. Let him be someone else's problem, not yours.

xoxoxo

Rusty

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

**sandwich warning**

Rusty, it's great to see you post here and you area always welcome to share - you don't have to be an AA member to do that! All inputs are welcome.

:l rebirth. Mr. Doggy is a "normie" when it comes to AL. He doesn't feel any need or desire to drink around me or in our home. He occassionally has one (something that baffles me! ) with the "guys" after dog training. BUT....he used to smoke pot and anyone that says pot is not addicting has never known a person who is addicted to it. We enabled each other in our respective addictions for many years. When I first stopped drinking in 2007, he was still smoking pot. (a lot - like my old drinking habits had become) It was a real challenge when he would be high and I would...well, NOT be affected by any mind altering chemicals. We didn't discuss him quitting at the time, but it was a problem brewing that's for sure. Then I relapsed. (he was secretly grateful to not have the unspoken pressure, even though AL was killing me - that's how twisted addictions are!!!)

Anyway...8 months of hell and misery later, when I was finally ready to surrender again, he decided to quit too. It was such a blessing because I cannot imagine living with someone who is "high" on anything on a regular basis. I am so grateful that we share a sobriety date and are in this together.

I know that lots of people are in relationshiops / marriages where drinking continues - even abusive level drinking. Somehow they work it out. I personally just can't imagine doing that, especially if we weren't entangled yet with marriage, children together, joint assets, etc. If I were single, I would absolutely want to find another sober person to spend my life with.

"Sober" does not have to be a recovering alcoholic. Normal drinkers like my husband have NO attachment to alcohol and if the relationship is important, can easily choose not to drink in a way that affects your life in a negative way. Fighting fueled by alcohol, whether it's physical or verbal is just not acceptable to me. It's abuse.

I have made a zillion mistakes in relationships in my life thinking that "things will change." Either that *I* could change it (hahahahahaha) or that somehow magically *it* would change. Well, that didn't work. People only change for themselves (as we are examples!) They do NOT change for others or for relationships. Find one that is not broken is my suggestion.

:l

DG

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Rusty and DG,
I was certainly verbally abused last night and I dont want to go through that again. We have not spoken since the incident as i have rushed off to work and he is probably at home feeling gulity and very hungover. I will have a heart to heart and see how he reacts. He will either say that he will try or justify his behaviour.
But no this relationship is not good for me at the moment

[Cinders]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Hello!!

Well, I haven't been to an AA meeting in forever, so after my last weekend binge that ended up in incredible withdrawals, hallucinations both visual and hearing, DTs. I went to the Friday afternoon women's only meeting.

It was very comforting. I cannot begin to express the love and compassion I received there.

The topic was Complacency. It was fascinating to hear about that from members with 10+ years sobriety. They said that it is the most dangerous time for them. When things are going very well. I listened very carefully. Of course when it was my turn to speak, I told them I couldn't wait to get to some complacency!! But I was glad they shared how it can be a time to cause relapse. I love AA. I can't believe I let myself go without. Talked myself into it because the Chicago groups were a bit, umm, different. I didn't feel comfortable there.

Rebirth, I would never tell another person what to do in their relationships. However, I do know that you must put your sobriety first. No matter what. I didn't and look where I am. :-(

This putting ourselves first is tough for us alcoholics. We tend to think we can take care of everyone else. At the same time, we think we are not good enough. A strange dichotomy but true of most of us.

I have the same issue in a different way. I have kept working at my job because I make the most money. I have been adamant I could not quit until I had another one. Well this economy has not allowed that despite much effort on my part.

But, despite the fact that others here have been able to travel and get sober, I cannot. I am an alcoholic that needs and craves routine. I explained to my husband last week that what I need is a job that I get up, go to an office, have coworkers I know and can develop a relationship with (not possible in my current position) and the ability to come home everyday to my husband and be with him. Routine. Friends. Family. That is what I need.

He has finally understood and agrees. Once I am out of rehab, my focus will be finding a position here where I live, whether it pays well or not.

My sobriety must come first.

In the meantime, I am working on staying sober until I go to my eight week rehab on Oct 15.

After that, I WILL got to AA while traveling, if I must travel with this current job, and work diligently on finding some position here.

I guess what I am saying, Rebirth, is it doesn't matter whether it is a relationship, a career, friends, whatever. Sobriety MUST come first for us. We must turn our selfish thoughts from drinking to sobriety.

Otherwise, we will lose everything, anyway.

Much love to all here.

Cindi

[momof3]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Cinders,

I am so happy that you made it through your relapse. That must have been very scary. I am sending you lots of love and support. I am most happy to hear that you are going to stop traveling. I think this will be a very positive and necessary change for your sobriety. Other people in your family are just going to have to step up to the plate.

M3

[Cinders]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Mom3,

Exactly. It is time for them to do what they need to do to take care of themselves and their family.

Thank you for your support. I so appreciate it.

Love,
Cindi

[Rusty]

Weekly AA Thread - Sept. 27 - Oct. 2

Hi Everybody,

I'm back! I love the people on this thread....so positive and knowledgeable about recovery techniques.

Cinders, I am sending you lots of love and support as you await your stay in rehab. You must be so relieved after you suffered during your last relapse. I also wanted to say that I can empathize how your sobriety is tested with your travel schedule. I have the same kind of life....I travel all over the world, and because I have so many travel points, many times I am surrounded by free booze....in hotels, in the airports. I am also alone all the time when I travel and I know what you mean about having a place to go to every day, with co-workers, and being able to come home to your family at night. I have had to change my routine as well......no going to the bars after work, but working out instead. Sobriety is a lot of work but I think it's worth it.

Sending you extra strength and support,

xxooxo

Rusty