This group has been the major support to me in getting here.
Ok - grab a sandwich!!
I'm up really early today 8.15am, I did go to bed at 10.30 last night.
My DJ job was really stressful - equipment malfunctions, long silent intros to songs the lot. Still it's over now! I felt really torn last night, after party, after party then meal with a few friends or the birthday a long way away. Few lovely people I hadn't seen for a while and really wanted to catch up with were going to be at after party. I was totally wrung out, tired, hungry and couldn't decide. In the end I decided that I would just go home.
Then on way home I felt really angry/sad that I couldn't just go and get pissed with the others,that not drinking meant that I would have been missing out on getting to know team better and doing the meal thing. So rather than saying ' f**k it' like i normally would and doing just that, I decided to stay home and come here.
As it happens OH felt ill so stayed in too and we had evening in with pizza and film on tv.
I think i felt lonely as i was too strung out to go to party/meal and if I had gone to birthday OH had by then offered to drive and temptation to drink would have been HUGE.It felt like I could never go out socially again and that I was alone on a Saturday and didn't want to be!!
This isn't a pity party but outlining how I felt - NO WAY was I going to drink.
It's early days so of course being in drinking/party situations feels odd.
I was thinking 'I will miss out forever and not get to bond with team,they will reject me cos I didn't go etc etc' and exaggerating the situation because I was stressed.
If I had gone and drank I would have got very drunk and been slurring,today i would have booze shame and be fretting and feeling awful mentally/physically - none of that would have helped me bond.
I also WILL be able to go out socially again but a danger time is if you feel uncomfortable. Yes I may no longer be the last person standing/staggering but I can still go out and interact and leave when I need to.
Today I can see all this with a clear booze free head and by not giving in it's given me the chance to unpick my reactions. Good day all to come - I am pottering,washing, menu planning. I may skate I'm not sure.
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