af daily sunday 3 October

[bear73]

hey all - thank you for all the encouragement on reaching a month - the support and inspiration, and most importantly the when needed butt kicking and straight talking.
This group has been the major support to me in getting here.
Ok - grab a sandwich!!

I'm up really early today 8.15am, I did go to bed at 10.30 last night.
My DJ job was really stressful - equipment malfunctions, long silent intros to songs the lot. Still it's over now! I felt really torn last night, after party, after party then meal with a few friends or the birthday a long way away. Few lovely people I hadn't seen for a while and really wanted to catch up with were going to be at after party. I was totally wrung out, tired, hungry and couldn't decide. In the end I decided that I would just go home.

Then on way home I felt really angry/sad that I couldn't just go and get pissed with the others,that not drinking meant that I would have been missing out on getting to know team better and doing the meal thing. So rather than saying ' f**k it' like i normally would and doing just that, I decided to stay home and come here.

As it happens OH felt ill so stayed in too and we had evening in with pizza and film on tv.
I think i felt lonely as i was too strung out to go to party/meal and if I had gone to birthday OH had by then offered to drive and temptation to drink would have been HUGE.It felt like I could never go out socially again and that I was alone on a Saturday and didn't want to be!!

This isn't a pity party but outlining how I felt - NO WAY was I going to drink.
It's early days so of course being in drinking/party situations feels odd.
I was thinking 'I will miss out forever and not get to bond with team,they will reject me cos I didn't go etc etc' and exaggerating the situation because I was stressed.
If I had gone and drank I would have got very drunk and been slurring,today i would have booze shame and be fretting and feeling awful mentally/physically - none of that would have helped me bond.

I also WILL be able to go out socially again but a danger time is if you feel uncomfortable. Yes I may no longer be the last person standing/staggering but I can still go out and interact and leave when I need to.

Today I can see all this with a clear booze free head and by not giving in it's given me the chance to unpick my reactions. Good day all to come - I am pottering,washing, menu planning. I may skate I'm not sure.

[papmom3]

af daily sunday 3 October

hey Bear-great post to get us started today!! you did great! Your working through your feelings and actually recognizing how AL would have altered your perceptions was brilliant!! I hope staying in with OH (other half?) was a cozy comfy nite and one that you will want to repeat a many times. there must be other ways you can bond with the team besides going out late late at nite when you are tired/hungry/stressed and there is lots of booze around. Do they do nothing but party?

Lav-what great news about YB (he may be losing the FH status!!)!! He has obvioiusly been working very hard with his therapist and has hopened a window to his soul and brain finally. I know that you will proceed with caution, always keeping your soul and sobriety first and foremost in front of you but I sincerely hope that a new corner has been turned and that your relationship with YB will be stronger and more loving than ever. That is my sincere wish for you in this new month.

Busy busy here today. I just put the rest of the items on my front lawn very neatly and organized. I put an ad on Craig's List and Freecycle so I hope it is all gone by this afternoon. Last nite one of the freecyclers came by to take her first choice. I gave her preference because her hubby is coming by again this afternoon to dig up my perennial garden and take what I hope is loads of plants back to their garden. They have a very large yard in the next town over and are trying to start a wildlife backyard sanctuary. They are the cutest young couple with the most adorable 2 little girls I have ever met!! You know how you know when someone is just so very genuine? They are it. Very religious-you could almost see the aura around them-but not sickening so. It turns out she works in the same vet clinic as one of my agility classmates! I am constantly amazed at how small a world this is!! They were all enamored by my dogs and cats in the window and the fish in the pond. I'm looking forward to working side by side with him this afternoon. He is bringing another couple with him who are just starting out in home ownership and gardening so this should go very fast.
My dad is also coming over so we can hopefully get started and finish installing a platform in the back of my Outback that will allow me to utilize the space under for more storage but still give me head room for the crates. I'm hoping we can get this all done today so that it will be a breeze to pack for my bar harbor trip. Speaking of that, I put myself out there yesterday and emailed the one agility person I know that lives in Maine to see if she was going to the trial. Not only is she going, she is a member of the club putting on the trial so I got all the inside scoop (we talked on the phone for about 30 minutes after she got my email) AND I can set up my stuff on her camp site that is right next to the agility ring!! She is so excited I'm coming up!! She has had the only papillon to compete in their trials for a few years now so now there will be 2!! She's going to introduce me to all her club friends and I know I will be well taken care of during and after the trial. There's going to be a costume contest after the trial and before the pot luck on Friday. Mickey will be wearing his Maine Lobster custume :H. Koby and Guinness will go as varsity football players if I didn't give away those jackets. I'm so excited now to make this trip and I know it will be well worth the $$ I'm spending. I'll just work as hard as possible to find another job after this is over.
So, gotta zoom zoom as I have to fit in laundry, shopping and trip a few miles away to look at a TV that might work when I shut the cable off.
there is no more ice cream in the house and it better stay that way!! that is all.

:l

[greeneyes]

af daily sunday 3 October

Yo Bitches!

(I needed to get that in just in case YB gets a real name soon )

Bear, I love your post! It's just brill the way you thought it out and you should be really chuffed over showing your strength and resolve! (like my britt words?) I have a question about your OH offering to drive. I'm not clear on that - did it really happen or is that what you THINK would have happened. Anyway, that sort of team bonding isn't really bonding. Husband #1 used to use that as his excuse to drink excessively after every sports thing which was several nights a week. You WILL be able to socialize appropriately and you may find you decline those sorts of things because you choose to, not because you need to.

Lav, I tried to find a "fainting" smilie thing for you. Wow! Can't wait to see what today brings. I guess the jury is still out on the cake?

Meeting GF and dog at the river shortly then going back this afternoon for an art event there. I'm not much of a symphony person, but I'm interested in the juried artists' displays.
"A Nature-Inspired Celebration of Art. Experience the creative process as artists share their talents in a natural setting. The afternoon features painters, sculptors, poets, dancers, and musicians creating and performing along the Park?s trails. Unearth concludes with a concert by the Lake Murray Symphony. Please remember to bring blankets and chairs!"

The Blues Festival was fun yesterday. It's like homecoming for lots of us as that is where we see each other every year. I noticed men "checking me out" so I must look alright. Maybe I'll have a date-date before I leave this earthplane. :H It got chilly when the sun went down so I did a French Goodbye and went to my fave resto for a cup of tea and some soup. The bartender looked at my ticket and she said "Wow, you must have saved a shit-load of money since you quit drinking." :H I'd downed dozens of her martinis. I said I was embarassed to admit to how much money.

Well, off to the river in this gloriously cool fall air!

One thing is for sure!!!

[Lavande]

af daily sunday 3 October

GM bear & all Abbers!

Good for you bear......do what you have to do right now to maintain your sobriety. That's got to be #1!!!!

Awaiting the arrival of YB with a replacement ceiing fan for the one that croaked last week.
I hope he's still feeling better - yesterday was a surprise, that's for sure

Wishing everyone a terrific AF Sunday.

[papmom3]

af daily sunday 3 October

X post greenie and lav!!

[greeneyes]

af daily sunday 3 October

X-post P3! I'm SO EXCITED about your trip!!!!

Fingers crossed for a positive interaction day with YB lav

[Determinator]

af daily sunday 3 October

why good morning AB-a-woofers across the fruited plains......

it's actually raining here which is most odd, and welcome. not sure if we'll be taking out the little boat now, but that's ok...lovely to have the rain.

Greenie, how fun you got to a blues festival. haven't made it to one in yonks.

must chop some garlic for breakfast.....

be well friends

[Pride before Fall]

af daily sunday 3 October

Hi all,

Bear, you're so right that being drunk and slurring would not have been a bonding experience. They would've had a false impression of you from the start. Sober, they're probably going to see you as the wise woman you are, and be the one they go to for advice and support. Plus, the hungry and tired was a bad combo, and going home was the best thing you could've done for yourself. I'm impressed! : )

Greenie, Det, and P3, you're lives are way too full and interesting. Festivals, martials arts pow wows, agility competitions, and trips to the coast must stop immediately, lest I drown in feelings of inadequacy (no great stretch for me). I might go for a walk this afternoon--take that!

I had the first struggle with the urge to drink I've had since quitting in July yesterday. I went over to my former house, which I still own but rent, and tons of work needs to be done, which we really don't have the money for. On the way home I just wanted to stop at the liquor store, get a six-pack and drink. I didn't get near actually doing it, and it's gone this morning, but it made me realize how much I drank to avoid that "I can't possibly manage all the irons I have in the fire" feeling. I am a textbook avoider, and that is going to be the hardest habit for me to break. I'm role-bound, with too many roles to do any one as well as I'd like.

I should really just go to an Okra Festival, shouldn't I?

Have a lovely Sunday, Sober Bitches (and Bastards)! xoxo Pride

[papmom3]

af daily sunday 3 October

Pride, me thinks you should join me in Bar Harbor and screw the repairs on the old house. .
No need to feel inadequate-you have a wonderful family and a fiance. Just a different type of life and one that I envy a lot. It's not easy being single and taking care of a house, animals and myself!! So sometimes the housework gets avoided so I can feed my soul.

Good job on doing a GOOD avoidance with the beer!! Those few minutes or that one hour of feeling that heavenly numb feeling is NOT worth what you will feel later on. I know you know that. One thing I'm trying to do is find a substitute for feeling numb, just for a little while. Vegging out but without the AL. It might be reading, it might be the CDs, it might be walking. After next week it will be sleeping :H !!

Well, pretty much got just about everything done today I set up to do. Shopping-check. Laundry-half check. Perennials dug (not by me and he didn't take enough in my opinion LOL!!)-check. Free yard sale-check. Some stuff left but I won't feel bad throwing it out. It's pretty much crap.
Platform for car-wood bought, cut and almost put together but my cordless drill died. Dad took it all home and will have it done by tues when I pick my car up from him (we're switching tues morning so he can take it in for a new battery and an oil change). So, half check. whew! Now to go to sister's house for some pot roast!! Yummmmo!! And yes, right now I DO want a glass of wine but as soon as I get there I will fix my mocktail and the feeling will pass. Thank god!!
Have a great nite all!!
:l

[Gaia]

af daily sunday 3 October

Yo Bitches!

Bear great job on keeping it together this weekend. You can do it, I know it.

Lav interesting that he's being nice the weekend before his BD. Glad that he's talking and getting help from the therapist. That's a good sign. Maybe he will realize what he really wants! His life back!

Hi Papmom you've been busy. Hi Pride aren't you glad you didn't stop at the store?

Weekend already gone and it's my TV night.

[Lavande]

af daily sunday 3 October

Good evening all (bitches & non-bitches) :H

The new ceiling fan has been installed & is working but not the lights on it. But that will have to wait because YB had a date to watch the football game with some of the guys - whatever! I did not mention his birthday & there certainly was no cake! He had agreed to have dinner here today along with our daughter & SIL. But the football game was apparently more important.

Greenie, sounds like you had a good weekend. A blues festival is usually a fun thing

I had a visit today from a very good friend, godmother to my daughter. She's experiencing similar difficulties with her husband, He was fired from his job several months ago & has been sitting around doing nothing but getting in the way. She's a VP at a large insurance agency & busier than ever. Sigh......we all went to high school together - never figured these guys would end up so goofy.

Well, I'm calling it a day. The chickies are all tucked in & I'm dying to put my feet up.
Wishing everyone garlicky, sweet dreams
Lav

[Doggygirl]

af daily sunday 3 October

Yo Babes!!!!

So excited for you Bear and all your good decisions.

P3 WOW :yougo: You are going to have SO MUCH FUN!!!!! (I'm :upset: because you and possibly Pride are going to have Lobster!! Pride, you should go with P3!!! Don't let that invitation get away from you!!! When does boot camp start? Mine at Curves starts tomorrow.

Lav, sounds like one step forward, one step :b&d: for YB? I hope that all in all it is progress. You are fabulous and your family sounds so terrific (and growing with more EBs on the way!). Your home sounds so wonderful...what is he thinking???? Hopefully his shrink will :b&d: him back to sanity.

Gaia, what are you watching on TV tonight?

Good going Pride turning away from the liquor store and also for gaining some important insights!

Deter our friend in garlic, I thought of you today. Made Kale for the second time. This time I added garlic. It was a great addition!

Wow Greenie - your weekend sounds FABULOUS. And clearly there are men with AWESOME taste in women at the Blues fest! Yes, I know there will be (more) real dates in your future!

Hi to Marshy, Uni, Pamina, rebirth, M3, G, PAGuy (where have you been????? How's the foot?????) and all other fabbies. Sorry my brain isn't working too good right now!

Did the 5K walk with Weight Watchers today. Glad I did it! I power walked it and must have burned at least 4 points worth. But I'm NOT going to eat ice cream so maybe 4 points will come off my butt. That would be good. Got some other stuff done getting ready for another whoppin' busy week. Life is good. Now I'm going to go wash my facial mask off and watch the Bears.

I am so incredibly grateful to be sober, I can't even describe it today. I adore all of you too. Mush mush mush....:h

One thing is for sure....

DG

[greeneyes]

af daily sunday 3 October

Well Lav..... feck's sake he can be a pill. I bet you planned a really nice dinner too. I want to give him a haircut for his birthday with my special arsehole design on the back. I'm amazed how graceful you are about it. I'd be snarking all over the place. In fact, I'm holding back. :H

I did have a good weekend. I went back to the river with my GF and had a really good time. I'm glad to be picking up our friendship again. I love sober life.

Almost time for Masterpiece Theatre.

Hi DG! Funny, I have the same mush mush mush sober lovey feeling today! :H

[Cinders]

af daily sunday 3 October

Hello, Abbers,

Lav, wtf? Damn.

Greenie, Good on you for having such a good weekend. You deserve it, girl!! :l

Bear, Wow, fought the noise and didn't get into the ring with the beast. You would have lost that fight, you know.

DG, I am looking at Skechers Shape Ups, kind of ugly but could use a good butt workout just walking around.

Hi, Gaia, Pap3, Det, LVT (where are you?), Pride!!

Well, team, I had a bad one last weekend. Huge binge. Withdrawals were so bad. I had DTs, visual hallucinations and auditory hallucinations (boy was that weird!!). I was monitoring my bp, it got high but not so high I had to go to doctor. No seizures because I take massive anti-seizure meds, I guess.

I am going back to rehab (third time a charm?) and am very excited. I chose one in Iowa. It is non-12 Step all women and only about 15-20 women at one time. I chose non-12 Step purely because I have done 12-Step rehab twice. I wanted to find other tools to use.

G-d I feel like such a loser. :-(

Mostly, I know it is my mind. This last detox scared me silly. You can't imagine. And, I know the next binge would be even worse. One of my friends at AA told me to hang on to that feeling. I am hanging on. The thought of taking a drink right now is anathema. I may not really need rehab at this point but feel it can only help.

I don't think I have many more sobers in me,, if any. I have to do this now.

I know I am the Queen of Relapse, but I just can't give up. Thank you all for being here. You help.

I am so proud of all of you and can't wait until I can be proud of me.

Love,
Cindi

[Lavande]

af daily sunday 3 October

Ah Cindi,
Sorry to hear about your relapse but glad you are OK. I can't possibly think of you as a loser.......you are choosing to do the right thing for yourself, another rehab. Maybe this is exactly what you need, the one that sticks. Afterall, you deserve to feel better & to feel proud of yourself. Think of those grandkids :l

DG, Greenie - I'm afraid to let myself feel snarky..........I'm afraid it would kill me. When I get seriously pissed with YB my B/P goes way too high. I'd rather push him off the edge of the earth that risk becoming a cardiac cripple or worse :upset:
I'm taking Colin Tipping's words to heart greenie.......everything is OK as it is right now. I've felt all along that he just needs to live out his drama. I need to not get myself sick. He's down to 3 weeks now.........it's his choice.

THERE WILL BE NO BIRTHDAY CAKE TOMORROW :H:H