Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone: Bella, I hope you will return to this thread & read & possibly get something out of it. Yes, I too felt unique, like nobody understood me or did the things I did...especially regarding alcohol. I found that when I went to AA, there were a whole bunch of people w/the same problem. Somehow, that made a huge difference in my life. Just hearing other people speak about the same sort of experiences helped me to stop trying to drink away all my troubles & difficult feelings. I've now made friends w/these people & know they are there for me regardless of what happens. In my area, there are AA meetings every day of the week. If I wanted to go twice a day, I could do that. I didn't say a word at first. All I did was listen & tried to learn something. I'm still doing that. Good luck.

I hope all is well w/everyone. My daughter is anticipating another smaller surgery on Fri. I'll be helping w/the kids & cooking meals. This is a precaution...the docs are removing the original lumpectomy scar & taking a wider margin around it lest there are some rogue cancer cells there.

I'll be back.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Mary, thank you for getting us started this week. I need you guys. I haven't been to a meeting since last Thursday due to the lasik surgery. I will get to go tomorrow morning and I'm looking forward to it. I will ask Sister to add Patty to the prayer list for Friday. I hope everything goes smoothly. She is a trooper.

DG

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Hi Mary and DG,

I have been having increasing cravings lately and its scaring me abit. I still go to my meetings etc and I've been praying more, I don't know why these thoughts are creeping back grr.... I know they will pass and I will keep on one day at a time as it is so precious.

I have reflected on HALT, hungry , angry , lonely, tired and Tired is the key for me lately! working too much. Why can't the bills pay themselves.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Cher: I've seen that when people stop going to meetings regularly, that can really lead to a relapse. It's hard to go to meetings when you're already tired from working, but I try to remember all the BAD times I had drinking. I don't ever want to go back there.

I forget about Halt. Thanks for the reminder.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Hi Mary and Cher! I too need meetings to keep my head on straight. I don't know what it is, but it works. Cher, I hope you are able to work out whatever you need within your schedule so the desire subsides. Intense cravings are no fun. I remember the corporate days all too well, when it seems HALT was a way of life. Try to take good care of yourself!

The topic for our open topic meeting today ended up being along the lines of keeping our drinking problem (concern that we have one, the need to sober up or slow down or whatever) a secret. Boy that was a good topic for me. I struggled privately for many years with the knowledge that I had a (serious) drinking problem. I didn't talk to ANYONE about it. Not my best friend, not my husband after we got married, NOBODY. Even when I got busted at work with the suspicion that I was drinking on the job (my boss and an HR person flew into town to talk to me) I didn't admit any concerns to anyone. I kept it to myself and fought a very losing battle for control. I didn't want to be an alcoholic because I knew that meant abstinence would be the solution. No way. And as long as I kept the discussion in my head only, I could bullshit myself all day long. That's exactly what I did for many years.

Fessing up the truth here at MWO was a good first step. Admitting my dependence on alcohol to people face to face in AA keeps me completely honest. And I can see how important honesty is in this program when I really consider how much lying to myself I did over the years. (not to mention all the cover ups, hiding, lying, etc. to others)

It was a good meeting and I'm grateful to AA and MWO for another day of contented sobriety.

DG

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Hi Cher, Dg and Mary,

DG- Honesty is so important in winning this battle. It was only when I admitted that I was truely powerless over alcohol that I began my first steps to healing myself.
4th of June I will never forget because it was the day my compulsion to drink left me. And I chase it away with a BIG stick when it comes back to say hi.

But its odd how Cherbear is getting cravings again because my cravings have come back also. We are both around the four month mark...just odd. They are not as intense as before but they are there.

I had my first phone conversation with my sponsor. We just had a general chat about our drinking. She told me to start step one by writing down the triggers and anything related to my drinking. We will be meeting this friday at my home meeting. Not sure what to do next..just go with the flow??

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Go with the flow is my vote rebirth! There is no one "right way" to do any of this. I try to follow the direction of my sponsor and be honest when I have questions or there are things I have trouble accepting. For me, a big part of my journey with her has been learning that it really IS possible for someone who is not family to love me. There are no instructions for side benefits like that! Let it come...

I'm really happy for you that you are starting step work. It can be life changing.

DG

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

DG I really excited to start. Typical me I want to go through all the steps in 24 hours but I have to learn to slow down. Some people take years to go through all the steps right?

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Have you done all the steps DG?

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

DG: I loved the topic you discussed & am going to bring it up at the Sat. night discussion meeting. I was a closet drinker & lieing, hiding, covering up, etc. became a way of life for me. It did greater damage to my self-esteem than anything else...even the humiliation of the last OD that I had. I shudder to think about the self-loathing & shame I lived with daily. Honesty is very hard-fought for me. I have to examine my motives & actions on a daily basis to make sure I'm living above board at all times. I too admitted here at MWO for the first time that I'm an alcoholic. However, it is different than going face-to-face w/others & saying: "My name is Mary & I am an alcoholic." I didn't do that right away when I first started at meetings.

Rebirth: In the old, old days of AA, people went through the steps quickly...I'm talking days. Nowadays, sponsors tend to allow people to linger over them. However, I did a whole set of the 12 steps within the first year of my sobriety. My sponsor's philosophy was that I needed to get a real idea of the "why" of my drinking. I also needed to make amends to my family as soon as possible...mainly because so much of my drinking was hidden (see the first paragraph). I've just started a very leisurely path through the steps w/a second sponsor. I'm still working the first step. But, for me, I needed to work the steps right away withing the first year. I do know people w/good sobriety who have never worked the steps formally. There are all kinds of ways to do AA.

Mary

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Mary I briefly told my sponsor that I am fairly desparate to change my old way of thinking and am eager to get started. I say this because I nearly drank last weekend..That shocked me. Maybe I do need to do all the steps within the first year. Even if its just to get an idea of why I drink...

You mention self loathing and shame. Sometimes I see or hear something that triggers an old memory that I had conveniently forgotten.Infact I had a flashback a few minutes ago of me being out of control on one of my birthdays. It should have been a romantic weekend with my BF.Plan was friday -check in at a four star hotel, theatre and drinks later. Saturday- a table at a michelin star restaurant. Sunday - breakfast at a waterfront cafe, then a sauna and then home. What really happened was friday -check in and straight to the bar,then theatre and then to another bar. Got drunk on tequeilas and cant remember getting back to the hotel room. Saturday - hungover, depressed and ill. Stayed in bed all day and just barely made it to the restaurant. Too hungover to enjoy the meal but still drank more. Sunday- too tired and slept till we had to leave.

And I didnt think I had a problem!

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

I remember my last birthday because I was sober. It was the best one so far.

I am so grateful to be sober. I really am

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Rebirth - On the flashbacks - for whatever it's worth, when I started going to AA, I started to remember long forgotten drinking events (in great detail). Maybe it was part of being honest, and my mind let that stuff come back up into consciousness. Maybe because I was able to look at clearly and non judgmentally (at myself), just see it as it was and face it. I just know it happened a lot - not surprising, since there were a whole lot of them.

On the topic of shame - where I feel it the most is about the hiding, the secrecy, the outright lying, and the fact that I would stoop to that level to protect my drinking. Maybe because that's more recent. I did plenty of bad stuff when I was younger. I suffered the consequences - lost relationships, burned bridges that could never be repaired, and knowing it was no one's fault but my own. I felt plenty of shame and self disgust. At some point, I let it go in that I had to to move on with my life. Basically had to accept it was what it was, and I screwed up big time, and it was the past and I had to let it go. I beat myself up for years and years. Interesting though how I still wasn't ready to give up drinking. I knew that the irreparable damage only happened when I was drinking.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

Rebirth: I too have those flashbacks (as Dance mentioned), & as painful as they are to recall, I try to use them as examples of NOT ever wanting to go back there. I can remember my niece's wedding at which I got throwing up drunk. It was embarrassing & unnecessary. I now know I would have had a much, much better time sober. I can only say that we don't have to do that anymore.

This discussion of the dishonesty of drinking is so interesting. Many of the people I know in AA were out-in-out drunks. They weren't able to hide their drinking (for whatever reason). Their families were constantly trying to get them into rehab, detox, programs, AA, etc. I was so skillful a liar that my family didn't realize how bad I was. Yes, they saw the occasional bender when I was over the deep end. But, most of my drinking was alone, & I really learned when to stop before I got really sick. I had plenty of black-outs but managed to function through them...I'm not sure how I did that.

When I think back, I try to remember the part of the promises that says: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I still have regrets, but the more sobriety I accumulate, the less I feel the sting of those experiences.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24

I'll be a little out of commission over the next couple of days. My daughter's having a surgery, & I'll be holding down the fort w/the little boys. Mary